Just me

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ScNNfyq3d_w&feature=share

This song is so me. I'm just a crack in the bigger picture.  I won't break it but I will contribute 

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=CdhqVtpR2ts&feature=share

I'm going under, hmm that line fits a lot of things in life. 

Music can make my mood. It can take me on trips run me around and bring me down.  It's the key to a lot of things with me but the best is it's always my friend no matter if I'm difficult, mad, sad, hurt, what ever crazy thing or place im in. It's always there. 

   I have not been here in a long time so I have missed some changes. But I have to say some changes are easy to figure out.  People will always act the same even under a false name. Eventually your true side comes out. As I wrote that simple statement this comes to mind

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=sf3CevfP-E8&feature=share

And now I must watch the movie so with that said remember you can change your looks or name but you can't ever change who you are....

I see the light at the end of the tunnel
I shy away from the unknown
I found comfort in the dark
The new world distracting me
I stayed in the shadows
I hid from things I use to know
Writing even betrayed me
So I stayed huddled in a corner alone
I started to slowly walk to the light
The closer I got anxiety built
The world I was in chaos and crazy
Had become home
I hesitate with each step
I fear what the light holds
I only know the insanity of work
I only know how to deal with now
The  things that happen in the moment
The last year changed me
Made me withdraw
Looking only to the instant I am in
Another step to the light my pulse races
My breath catches
The smell of jasmine looming
I'm at the edge where the light touches the dark
I stop and look at the natural line in the sand
I hear the ocean waves crashing
Salt water and Jasmin in the air
I hear the cry of the gulls
I close my eyes take a deep breath
I raise my foot and step
Both feet together I feel warmth on my legs
Something I have missed
Eyes still closed another step
Warmth moves up my body
A few more steps and I am surrounded
Warmth from head to toe
I blink my eyes open
The light so bright
My body reacts and I step back
I cover my eyes with my hand
Making it easier to see
I see the world that continued without me
I've missed it
I slowly walk forward ready to embrace it
I look behind me and know
There is always safety if I need it
I will take my time
I will venture slowly
I will find me and meld the old with the  new

I guess in away I am at the start again. I am not a new sub but I am trying to figure out this new me.  The last year and half have changed me. Working as much as I have and seeing what I have have closed me off.  I need to figure out who I am with all the new things.

I must remind myself move slow, all that glitters isn't gold.  So here I am writing a baby step. Please remember also talking to someone a day does not justify a collar or the respect of getting called Sir, I am respectful yes but I will not give you me or a title you haven't shown me you have earned.

Trust is built it isn't demanded, a bond is formed not expected. Take your time and feel the sun before you dive in

Healing comes in many forms for me
It's guilt in the laughter
It's tears in the joy
It's loss in the comfort
And it's nightmares in the light

Now let me explain, I find reasons to smile and be happy everyday. I have 3 little people and a staff that need to know I smile even if they can't see it under this mask, but when I truly have that moment of laughter I hesitate part way and realize it is just happening and not being forced. Then I feel guilty, is it to soon to be Healing? No its not It's my own brain telling me that hurt is starting to get better and the responsive laughter is becoming normal again.... Healing

The tears in the joy can go right along with that. I find joy all the time but accepting it, is what brings the tears. I don't deserve the joy, why would someone like me? I break and cry when I realize I am the one who thinks I don't deserve joy. As I slowly accept the joys I begin to heal. I feel it warm me from the inside, I feel my dead heart beat a little more. More healing..

Loss in the comfort, I find things that comfort me material things but as I start to trust people again I become so lost. I can't navigate my way in the crazy. People are affectionate creatures I am not. If you touch my arm randomly I flinch away if you reach to hug me I step back. Things a normal person would find comfort in I am so lost. It's gotten worse since COVID, but I sure do miss feeling safe in someone's arms.

This last one is the hardest for me. I can be in the best situation sunshine lolli pops and unicorns farting rainbows but all of that will turn into a nightmare. The things my brain makes up has it so twisted that that bright happy place is exploding. This one area will be the hardest for me to heal in.  The scars from the past are long and deep, the recent hurt tore some of those open

The question I have to ask myself is will i stay closed off behind my walls and miss the unicorn that brings me joy and makes me laugh?

I hope not...

I can hear the storm around me
I can smell the destruction in the air 
I know what's coming 
But I stay rooted where I am
I saw the flags waving 
I heard the bells ringing
It was only a matter of time
I wouldn't change a moment 
Not even the emptiness I feel
I wouldn't give back what I know is real
You can't love deep without knowing loss
You can't grow without a lesson 
You can't achieve without trying 
The storm around me is just a new challenge
The flags and bells were the music for the chapter 
My book is being written 
Such a dramatic novel
I see where I was 
And where I want to be
I know now that who I say I am
Is what I am. 
Without your teachings that fact wouldn't be clear
Without your hand guiding me I wouldn't have known who I am
Thank you

So I have come a long way since I started this journey. Many people have guided me helped. Each as important as the next. The last one I let in was an actual real world hands on experience. While I ended up being alone in the end I am so very grateful of the things he taught me. He gave me the cement to build my foundation as a sub, I knew I was but this confirmed it.
    I don't think I say it enough to anyone but to those who know me or have helped talked or even just passed by, thank you. I have learned something from each one of you. Your stories your posts, kind and not so kind words...  from the bottom of my heart thank you.
   May you always be open to the lesson life is giving you and may your journey always bring a smile to your face when you reflect on it.  What ever trials you may be going through remember there is a outcome that will make you a stronger person in the end.

    So I had plans for this weekend. I was suppose to be enjoying time away doing something I love. I was suppose to be finding out more about me and who I am. Needless to say plans changed.

     I am so overwhelmed with a sense of defeat and sadness that I feel myself shutting down. I don't know how to find my place with this change and to accept it. There is nothing I can do to keep the plan I had moving forward because my job is the reason it changed. Yes plans can be changed but when you were looking forward to something so much and it's taken away you hit the ground hard. 

      So empty bags now sit at the end of my bed, a sad heart weighs my chest and a sinister brain plays its games. This is almost as bad a drop

He holds her face asking if she is OK
Eyes lowered she says yes
He asks if a blindfold will be okay
Yes is all she can say
She takes her position
Her back to him
He walks around to face her
Slipping the cloth through his hands
She watches the red and black slide
He places it over her eyes
She leans her head down
He ties the back carefully
He lifts her chin and asks are you okay
She nods her head
He kisses her head
Butterfirs in her stomach She hears him walk away
Moving behind her
She takes a deep breath
She hears his movement
Then a sound
Light tickling touchs her skin
She smells the leather
Then a louder movement
Impact left shoulder back area
She jumps a little
the warmth starts to take over
Another strike right side
The red flogger she can tell
She starts to drift
Letting the impact clear her mind
A few more strikes
The feeling changes
More of a nip
It has more bite
This brings a small amount of pain
But still the calm of the flogger
Instead of jumping she embraces
Letting the pain take the stress away
The blows get harder then soft
Different areas
She is in just this moment
Each contact bringing her close to him
Each sting freeing her
Everything stops
Silence
Footsteps start to move
Going away from her
What did I do wrong she thinks
Where did he go
Was I not  what he wanted me to be
Will he come back
Is this a test
Then she hears him
In the back of the house
She sits up taller
Straining to hear
She readjust herself
Getting comfortable while she waits
He is walking up the hall
She holds her breath
He gets closer
She can feel him in the same room
She waits
Something cold lays on her back
Sucking in air She tries to stay still
It moves slightly Then it's gone
Impact on her butt
That had more of a sting
Bracing for more
There are taps and hits
Some hurt some don't
She slips further into her freedom
He walks away
She waits for more
Hearing his Footsteps
When he comes back he sits
Hand rubbing her tender skin
The warmth intensified
She purrs
Then another strike something harder
The joy of the heat of his hands
The fear of the strike
Taking her futher away
She feels him move
And hears the crack to her left
She inhales and holds it
Knowing this bite will be intense
Light nips on her skin
Intensify pushing her hard
The whip snaps
Pleasure comes from his toy
As the whip brings the pain
Connecting
Falling
Floating
A tear forms
She fights it
Her body shakes and trembles
The tears can't be stopped
The pure joy has taken over
Everything stops
Time stands still
She feels his hands
Releasing her eyes
Tears are now free
He touches her cheek
Holds her face
He gives her fluid
Quenching her thirst
Whispers in her ear
She is floating to far
All she can do is nod
His hands loving on her skin
He comes to cradle her in his arms
She drifts further into the peace
He never let's her go
When she comes back
He takes her to bed
Settles her in
Makes her eat
Let's her drift off
To the best night of sleep
That  she has ever had
In a single moment
He claimed what he wanted
He taught her the joy of being his
He gave her her dreams
Far exceeding expectations
She could only offer
Herself her whole self

Sitting here i feel the breeze
Slowly softly touch my skin
I think of the fingers that will do the same
Closing my eyes to feel the warmth
As the sun wraps my body
I think of the arms that will keep me warm
Hearing the sounds of life all around verifying there still is life
I think of his voice giving me life
I long to feel the safety again
To know he will be the one to keep me safe
That the days will be better
When I can fall apart in his arms
That he will be the one to quiet the storm
To slay the demons and monsters
That his promise is his goal
I have learned to fight alone
To face my fears and stand tall
To stand with pride and honor
To say I was the best me I can be
I haven't given up even when I wanted to
I have not shown weakness
I have survived
Longing to feel him is hard
Wanting something you don't have hurts
Everyday I strive to make him and myself proud
When he finally comes into my world
I will stand with pride before I kneel
when I finally kneel
It will be the ultimate surrender
The gift of all of me
To the one whom I'm  looking for I can only hope you will see that.

The past month has taught me so much about myself. Endless hours of work to save people, staying strong and positive as others fall apart. Being the smile and joy for others or the encouraging word they need. This has all taught me how much I need my rock. How I need someone to let go of it all and just forget.  I genuinely missed writing and blogging I forgot the escape it gave me. I missed some of my submissive rituals I did on my own to keep me grounded. I am trying to get back into the routines of being a good sub for my future whoever. I have been fighting a war against an invisible enemy with my coworkers and its left me battered and torn. It also gave me the gift of learning who I am and what I need.  I lost 21 souls in under a month, watched countless others get the virus and somehow I still have not gotten it. I never thought it would be something like this to show me who I really am.  I see every day now as one more chance.

Phe 💙

Looking back here and realizing its been that long since I wrote is crazy. 

I have a new master or so it seems one that has brought me to my knees daily. Even brought tears and fears out I never knew I had. 

Life has played a game with me and I believe has made me stronger and yet even more closed off and weak. 

This stupid virus came and swept thru my world, it was brutal and seems to be the only thing I answer to. I have pushed limits to the point of exhaustion, confusion, and pain.

I wasn't looking for a master but Covid said eff you and claimed the roll. 

I apologize to those I have barely talked to, or those who noticed I was missing, for not being a better friend. I am so sorry that this phoenix fell but as I lay here tending to my wounds barely able to move I had a moment where I missed my safe place... here

I hope everyone has been well and that you all are happy and safe. I make no promises of blogs to come or stories to share but I will try to stop in more often. 

Much love to the cage family

Phe

Finding your way isnt easy especially in this new world were living in. People throw obsticles at you and you can divert to avoid them. Life gives ypu challenges you over come and become stronger.

Somehow i have become lost. I have been working endlessly for 3 months and its became my sole focus. I have started to hate my job because of the stress and ive started to shut down. I realized today as i was sitting here getting ready to answer yet another work text that i lost me.

I have become the COVID expert, gained knowledge and excelled at my job. I have cared for those around me and fought to make sure this crap stays away from my patients and staff. We have taken 2 hits in one week where staff tested positive and it made me feel defeated. I couldnt protect them. No amount of training i gave was enough.

I actually stopped for a minute today in walmart watching people around me and understood no matter what tools someone is given how they choose to use them is up to them. I cant keep everyone safe. They have free will. So in this moment i also understood that i stopped doing for me. I wanted to rescue others and forgot me.

I havent been a good friend by not checking on my friends, i havent been a good mom by working the extra hours, i havent even been a good me because my smile has faded behind the mask. I am lost.

So now the question i have is how do i find me again. When i entered this site i was scared and shy. I slowly ventured out. I have learned a lot from here that i use daily. So i am going to start there. Live like i use to and make the one that hopefully someday comes proud of who i was when he wasnt here. I will find my pride again and my strenth. I know i can do this because i am a strong woman.

This world of kink maybe hard to navigate but its just like the vanilla world we learn to adapt, analize, grow, and change. So heres to you and i growing and changing. Finding ourselves when the obsticles are everywhere around us.