The Phoenix - Eros' Rising

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿

*Munches handfuls of extra buttered popcorn* Damn! This is a great movie! *Slurps an extra large sprite*

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} - no butter on the couch!!
LOL

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Don't worry....I never spill a drop. 😉😈

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } - Eros, I couldn't have said it any better.

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} - Thank you. enough is enough in my humble but honest opinion.

dollMaker​(dom male) - There are a lot of varying groupings out there, and to a degree on here, and as such a fair variation of approaches, ethos and etiquette, no unified way of doing anything, and as such those from other groupings need that little thing called consent to be in play in order to agree to do anything. I for one have said that respect must be earned, I will not blindly, just because someone follows a tradition, or belongs to a group, claims a title because I have not consented to be under their lifestyle choices. I will not use Sir, or Madam, Master etc because someone is part of a group that do do that. What may be consented to by those people does not apply to me, nor do their rules or rituals, whatever, because I am not part of whatever it is they are, nor do I wish to be in most cases. Its important, I feel to take this into account, consent is required, and as in everything else must be willingly given.

People forget this, though loudly proclaim that no sub should ever address any random dom with an honorific (rightly so) if they are not theirs, but try to force titles and rituals to those not part of their grouping. This has happened on here, and I have pushed back. There was at one time a few people here I did respect, and did, but alas they outed themselves as being people not worthy of anyone using a title. I called their shitty behaviour out, and these occurrences and others on here seriously soured my thinking on all of this. Also there is a definite cultural clash here as this sort of stuff is more common among Americans, and much less common where I come from. I stand by that my respect for others must be earned, particularly in online spaces where I am very sceptical of everything coming from peoples typing fingers. I know that annoys people.

However in saying all that their are certain things that are givens, collared people, unless in polyamorous dynamics, where the agency of the said people is open to them finding play partners themselves, are out of bounds. Though for myself those in dynamics where they are not allowed to talk to people, everything must go through a partner, worry me. I have never, ever required anyone to talk to me first, those I am involved with retain their agency regarding matters like this, so reading such, strikes me as maybe being controlling, and not an outworking of a healthy dynamic. This sort of thing, being presented as 'this is the way,' like true Mandalorians must never take off their helmet, well often this sort of thing forms a way of isolating, and this is part of abusive dynamics, and this worries me. I don't think anyone should hand over the right of who they can talk to - this is something that sits badly with me. When I see it on peoples profiles, I wonder are they actually ok, or are they being abused.

To those claiming old guard status (has happened on here), well unless you are gay, in your late 70s you aren't, and those claiming universality regarding what the forerunners did, it didn't exist. Frankly I will take the word of people like Guy Baldwin over your attempts to peddle myths, as facts.

The problem here, and its not just an old guard mythology issue, is there has never been one twue way, sure I get why some people want it to be that way (uniformity has an appeal), but it never existed, among anyone (except maybe among small location centric groupings) and kink is a continually evolving, organic thing, new people finding their particular ways, maybe adopting some ideas from the past, more traditional, high protocol stuff, but many don't, and as far as I am concerned that's perfectly ok. Its ok to do your own thing, follow your own ideas, rituals and beliefs. It means that groupings will clash, particularly in online spaces, old traditional folks (well their idea of what is tradition) pushing the superiority of their way over newer folks less formal ways, which are just as valid as theirs. In saying that, I am saying that on the basis that all involved are well educated and skilled at doing their thing, and most definitely not endorsing ignorant do whatever approaches that are dangerous.

I know people on here don't like me, particularly among the more traditional old ways folks, mostly Americans, but I am mostly ok with that, a counter to their oft pushed 'this is the way' stuff is required, so that people can see all the options regarding ways to live a kink lifestyle, their ideal lifestyle, not some writ in stone edifice called the, 'lifestyle'. In the past the hill I oft died on was regarding the horribly disrespectful way people talked about those doing kink online, you know that's not real, its fantasy games etc. Currently I don't have any online involvements, all in person, but I do not for one minute feel the online involvements I had, where any less valid or special that those I have in person. There are different ways to do things, and yes I get why you are venting regarding those that don't know how to do anything, and rely on swagger and clever BS, but there is a degree of 'this is the way' in what you are saying too, and I don't think that's a good thing. Those that chose to do things differently are not bad people, just different.

I agree with you on many things, but I don't agree with you on others.

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} - dollMaker, I value your opinions and agree that there in no "One Way". I wrote a post on that very subject. What I am talking about are Insta's and Wannabe's. It is not that they do things differently. It is that they come in and think because they watched YouTube and or a movie that they are automatically a Dom or Master. You and I both know that is not the case. I am totally fine with different ways of doing things.

As far as the respect thing goes, I think you misinterpreted what it was that I was saying. There is a certain amount of respect that is due to certain things within our lifestyle. These are Universal in nature. That respect, first and foremost is that we are dealing with other human beings. So a certain amount of respect is due when dealing with others. Collars is another as it signifies that that person is taken/owned, etc.... I would not approach a submissive that I have issue with that is known to be collard. Out of respect for the collar, I would in turn got to her Dom who collared her. If I know they are protected, then to their protector. This is a common respect thing. In this instance, when the other person was being hostile, I told him that he needed to speak directly to me and he decided to say "Fuck you" and went after her again. This is complete disrespect and is not becoming of anyone that call themselves a Dom. This is a RED FLAG. The other part of respect that is earned with people is built on character and respect of the person as one get to know them more thoroughly. This is the part that I believe you are speaking of when you say that respect is earned. In that, I totally agree with you. Respect like that comes with time thru trust.

The other thing you brought up was "Old Guard", I never said Old Guard, I said Old School. I am very aware of what the Old Guard refers to and that is not at all what I was referencing towards. Being Old School just means that I came from a time where things were respected and that there was training and mentorship when you came into the lifestyle. This should be a given, like Drivers Ed. you are not going to hand someone the keys to a semi without teaching them how to drive it first. That is the way we learn. Training, Mentorship Studying. Not watch a movie and here is your certificate and you are a Dom now.

The Titles thing, I understand. You may and I may not call these people by their titles that they earned within their direct community, and that is find. I know a few people that have earned the title "Master" from their respective communities that I do not use their title when speaking to them. I am not in their community and most, if not all Master's, understand this and is not expected if you are not in their community. Exception would be if you are announcing them at an event that is being hosted where they are speaking, teaching, or putting on a display. This would be a common curtesy in this case. The point I was making, is that they did earn those titles in the respective communities and when someone comes in and just takes the title with no credentials and uses it is doing nothing more then trying to hype themselves as something they are not to manipulate whoever into thinking that they are more important then they are. Hence the comparison to someone wearing a Military Uniform acting like the served when they never did.

Depending on the dynamic and the if there was Informed Consent, I have no issues with a "You have to go through my Dom first" or a Sub needing to ask permission from their Dom. To each their own with this. If the submissive releases that power knowingly under informed consent, then that is up to them. I personally want Hekate to interact with others. She does not need my permission. That being said, I will step in if I deem it to be necessary and have all conversations directed through me. This is not a control thing but, this is a safety and well-being thing that her and I have discussed at length and have within our contract. I am never one for abuse and will be one of the first people to stand up and say something about it. Our lifestyle has become inundated with abuser's and the such under the guise of BDSM. My point with the post is to bring it to the forefront so we can all come together, no matter what your particular dynamic looks like, or your favorite flavor of kink is and say enough. This is about calling out those that are a danger to others because they are not safe. Those acronyms are there for a reason and it is up to all of us to practice them. Not only for ourselves but, on behalf of others who do not know or who are unable on there own. This is community. We look out for one another.

Again, I think you should know as both of us have been on here for some time, that I respect others view points to a certain degree. But when those views are predatory and/or abusive in nature, it needs to be called out and address. If we as a community don't do it, then who will?

I respect your input on this blog and value your opinion. Thank you

Hekate He Near​(switch female){Eros} - I apprecaite the concern about abuse and control. That's exactly the vibe I was getting from the Forum post I responded to. I was in an extremely abusive and controlling marriage that I couldn't get out of for several years. I wouldn't wish that kind of horror on anyone.

It never leaves you and I am still healing. For me, BDSM acts as desensitization therapy on certain aspects of the abuse and control I went through, and Eros is sensitive and experienced enough to help with all of that. I am not the safest toy in the box when it comes to intimacy, to say the least.

Now I am extremely sensitive to red flags and often but not always correct when I see them. I will call it out when I see those traits, which gets and outsized response when I am correct and hit a nerve. Eros, my husband, knows this, and steps in when I am uncomfortable dealing with it due to dealing with it in an inescapable way in the past. It is in our contract, plainly explained in my profile, and an important part of our dynamic.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } - Dollmaker,
How long have we known each other?
I know that that there is no disrespect between us even though on many things we see as different. And that is fine ,for we ( humans) all have different values and insight on things.

Now you stated " Those that chose to do things differently are not bad people, just different."
Is is true in all things. But as I read this posting I saw as a Dom doing the same thing as I do (,just from a sub point of view). Trying to watch out for the safety of others. When we see something that is truly dangerous we stood say something. I can't honestly remember if you and I met before I was with Wulf. But incase not,and for those that done know. Let me share, I was once with a dom ( lol) ages ago that controlled everything from what I ate to how much, ( on a normal was about a total of one meal a day which was mainly 4 Oz of veggies and if I was lucky a price of 4 Oz meat. ) along with acagealy (?) A small bowl of grapes. And exercising 3 hrs along with walking 6 to 12 miles a day everyday even when I worked an 8 hr shift and it didn't matter if it was raining or snowing was still expected to follow rules or face the punishment. I was not / am not a BBW ( by any means in my opinion) I dropped 4 pant sizes and about 30+ pounds in about a month to month and half. .
So in fear of punishment I did these things because my " dom" said so.
It wasn't until I joined the cage looking for friends and walked into the chat room a few months later ( took that long because of fear of saying the wrong thing and him somehow finding out) before I saw ( not that I didn't know already , just didn't really think he would/ could do ) how dangerous this truly was. As I said fear of punishment was keeping me from seeing what I knew. Make sense? But it was once I started actually making friends and talking to them about it. That I allowed myself to truly open my eyes to the situation.
* oh punishments could have ranged from actually having a rope tied around an ankle all the time ( anytime at home , even when exercising, to not being allowed to eat or go to bed, or having to eat moist can cat food)
I know , wat the fuck alawey . How could u allow your self to get into that type of situation. One day at a time , and the slowly shirk of my circle all because he said this or that wasn't good for me or this or that person didn't know anything, and as his I should only listen to him.

So my point is that I don't see it as "gate keeping" or " one true way" by trying to help other not fall into something like this or something dangerous.

I'mME - Alawey my friend, anyone who said,
"How could u allow your self to get into that type of situation."
would not be a friend. In fact they would be someone w/ no critical thinking capabilities.

💗

Midnightkit​(sub female) - I couldn't have said it better myself. Everyone gets offended with I say there is 50 shade of grey wanna-be doms out there and they have no clue the harm that they are causing. While I am all for people learning their kinks these types are looking to learn they think they know it all. That's the problem. Then you have these new young subs who are eager to find themselves and feel safe falling into their crap and getting hurt because of it. I completely agree with you!

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} - Thank you. It is a problem that we have in the community. We need to welcome those that want to come in, no matter their flavor. But it seems at the same time the abusers and such want to come in and use BDSM as a cover for who and what they really are. We are Kinky. We are perverted. But all we do is with informed consent. We need more people to stand and say enough. We are lacking in this and it is showing more and more as time goes by.