Poems and more from the Heart, Soul, Mind and Spirit

When I first heard this song in the early 90's, I felt connected but didn't realize in what aspect. Not until later on in life, when my world was turned upside down (2015).  When i realized the person I loved didn't love me anymore. All they had to do was say so and not keep stringing me along for their own needs and ego.  I wanted them to let me go so I can live the way i needed to live, have freedom and not feel like I'm in a cage with no way out.

In a way, I finally received that freedom and was able to start living for me to a certain extent.  I didn't feel as restricted as I do now. This song starts playing (not in any of my playlist)  Now I'm thinking I was never free to truly be myself 100%.  I accept the blame and consequences for it, I didn't realize then the decisions I made would have such an impact on me becoming someone I need to be.  I have lost so much more of myself that I may not recover. I may not be able to fully be ME. I have to accept responsibility for the loss of not only myself, but others in my life that mean so much to me.

So once again, I'm trapped, no longer in a cage but a room with 4 walls and a door. I can open the door any time I want, but what for?  I lost so much, what is there left for me to gain? What is out there that would make me want to venture out?  I'm afraid to accept love from others, I know that eventually leave. Almost everyday someone in my building is always telling me they love me, it's a love i don't want 'or need. For awhile I thought maybe this was God's way of saying, you're future does not include who you desire.  We speak, vent to one another and that's it. I refuse to go there with him. I may be alone for the rest of my life and I have to be at peace with that (i don't see peace happening anytime soon).  

I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of overthinking, depression, anxiety etc. Too old for this shit lol  I made this bed and now I lie in it alone. It's what happens when I think about others before myself. Everyone experiences their happiness except for me. I'm not ok with it, hopefully someday I will be.

FRIENDS ?

FAMILY?

UNIVERSE ?

GUARDIAN ANGEL ?‍♀️

JOKER 

Reaching for the ultimate high

Feeling no pain

Having no worries

Takes you to a place where you feel love and respect

Taking you away from the world of hopelessness

Where no one cares

A place of false friends and false hope

Floating on cloud 9

Living the life of luxury

Surrounded by all you desire

Talks about getting clean

Friends walk away

No love or support shown or given

Being brought down by the continued use

negative and hopeless words and actions

You run far away

There's no escaping, addictions all in your face

in your surroundings

no where to hide, it's all around you

you're fighting a losing battle

wanting to give up

Wanting to give in to the drug that had consumed your soul

The drug that will once take away the pain, the hurt, the fear

The drug that made you feel loved, respected, and hopeful

The drug that makes everything better

No longer having the will to fight

To stay strong

Everything has been lost

This morning I became emotional while getting my daughter ready for school.  The thought of the upcoming month which is also the month my son passed due to an OD.  I tried my best not to let it get the best of me, my daughter knows when something is wrong.  A little while later i received at text that made me smile and the tears went away.

As I'm doing my best to keep busy and not think about anything that would make me cry. Just my luck I see a segment on GMA  about an actress and the parody video she made for Mother's Day. That was it!!!  My ex asked me when mother's day was, i told him next week and i really don't care about it anymore. He had a confused look on his face, then I walked away.  This will be the first Mother's day without my son calling and making me laugh almost making me piss my pants. Ever since i haven't been able to stop crying, even as I'm writing. I just can't stop. I guess I have pretended long enough that he's still here, when I need to realize that he did all he could to stay clean. This fucking covid didnt help. Everything shut down and he lost all support that he needed.  I feel that I should have done more to keep him focused and motivated to stay clean.

Last night I saw a message that related to how I feel and broke down last night. I'm unable to remember it word for word, here it goes, in short i shouldn't blame myself for not doing enough or not being able to do more.  There was nothing more that I could have done to prevent his untimely passing.  It really it me.  I blamed myself, because i didnt see the signs that he relapsed or that during our last video chat that he was high.  He hid it well, and i understand why. He didnt want me to worry or find him any help even though everything was shut down.  I really miss him, he kept me going when i wanted to give up more than once, and was the only one of my children proud of me for coming such a long way on my own road of healing and recovery from alcoholism.

Damn!!!!!

Thinking about the times we spent dancing under the moonlight

Love and laughter in another world

You saved me from myself

I was a tragedy waiting to happen

You grabbed my hand and pulled me to safety

Showed me love and kindness I never knew existed

Feeling safe

Feeling loved

Kissing your chest

Biting your erect nipples

You mumble don't stop Queen

I'll be your faithful servant 

Just let me......

I smack your.cock as a reminder

Please have mercy Queen!!!!

I... I....

Piercing your nipples

HAVE MERCY!!!!

Piercing the tip of your cock

QUEEN!!!!! I'LL OBEY!!!!

WHAT IS THE RULE!!!

NO ASKING FOR QUEEN'S SWEET NECTAR!

I belong to another, remember that!!! 

Removing the chains that bound you

Leaving you in a heap of.your own tears

Never again will.you call me into your dreams

When i first heard this song,(earlier this month I believe)  I had chills from head to toe and I still do. The more I listened the more i realized that no matter what life threw at me. I got up, dusted myself  off, told life you hit like a bitch and try harder next time.

I guess life said ok bitch, fuck you and take this.  smh I overcame alot of shit that others didn't expect me to overcome. The joke is on them( they can kiss my big bodacious ass) . Even though I became humbled, I also became weak. I didn't like being weak (i still don't ). I had to keep fighting for my kids, my sanity, hell practically everyone and everything in my life.

I may not understand everything that has happened to me these past few years, but i do understand this, i need to keep being the fighter that I have always been.  I know i need that balance of being a fighter and a peace maker. I'm unable to find that balance, i don't know if i ever will.  It's like i need be one or the other, not both.  I lost alot of myself and trying to find and replace the broken pieces takes more energy than allowing the new me to emerge.  That's where the fear of rejection comes in again, why would anyone except the new me when they don't accept the old?  It doesn't make any sense, idk if it ever will, but hey.

A few instances in my life, i put upon myself because of my kindheartedness and compassion for others.  Fuck me life again, I guess this is how I am and becoming a bitch is not within me. The compassionate fighter is who i need to be,  not one or the other. where both can live in peace and harmony within.

Anyone who has spoken to me, read my blogs, or have met me in person has seen or will see the struggle.  Hell, I cursed quite a few people out in my life and felt bad afterwards.  I've cut relatives out of my life and still wish them well, say happy birthday etc. who fucking does that? Ms. Softee over here, idk why I'm built like this, but it really needs to stop.  I don't know if it ever will, hey, at least at tried.  I know this has affected alot of moments in my life, I have tried to change, I really have, i just can't be the bitch life has been to me or the bitch that raised me.

one part of this song that really hits me  is " i rather die than give up the fight" is dying giving up the fight?  or does dying bring out the fighter?

I've been there numerous times especially 3 yrs ago.  It felt like someone was shaking me, telling me to wake up, I can't leave them.  It felt like someone was sitting me up, helping me out of bed, No one was physically there. I always wondered was that the fighter in me, my guardian angel, or a passing spirit that wouldn't let me go out that way?  Whatever or whoever, I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

As you the door you see me kneeling

Awaiting your.commands

You come closer and caress my face

I stroke.your manhood, unzip.your trousers

You enter my mouth without a second thought

I slowly take every inch.down my throat

Mmmmmmmm

My tongue slowly.goes up and down the vein on your manhood

My.tongue playfully teases the tip

You shiver from.the sensation

Moaning asking for more

I obey, like the good girl you need.me.to be

Tickling your testicles with my tongue sends chills up and down your spine 

I look into.your eyes with smirk on my face

Knowing that you are closer to releasing 

Once again take.every.inch down my throat

You grab my head, I take.your testicles as well

F******CCCCCKKKK!

You can no longer hold back 

You release into my mouth 

I drink every drop of your essence 

Another flick of my tongue 

You drop.to.your knees

Now the real fun begins ?