MsNevermore's ramblings, observations, and thoughts

So for those of you who found your way here by way of watching a movie, reading an erotic tale, or being curious of all those funny tickle toys in the back of your local Spencers: 

I truly do understand how it feels to finally be sitting in the Willy Wanna Factory of Kinkland. So many questions and wonders of All the bright and shiny wrappers of new delights, All the new packaging of characters to choose from and mystery favors from the far of land of Taboo.

Now what? Now you want the secret to finding that perfect Lifestyle that brought you in.You look and look but its just not quite like you pictured in your mind.

Here is what I would suggest, humbly, you consider as you cash in your Golden ticket here online:

Check out the sights, sounds and aromas. Observe the what and how those around you are partaking in their chosen treats. Look beyond the costumes and flair of the characters with their temping treats. 

Those characters in that movie, that plot in the story and that back shelf display just went from the fiction of another persons mind and your fantasy to a harsh reality. Underneath all the glitz and glamour of that shiny ticket was just a plain piece of truth. The way you get into the lifestyle and find your way is no different than normal life.

Want to know how to be a good Dom/sub? Well guess what Jimmy/Jane, its the same as being any position in life. It takes researching, learning and perfecting the recipe of your particular kink.

It takes more than just  jumping in and throwing all the ingredients in the Kink mixer and hoping your favor is going to be the same as everyone else's lollipop.

It requires removing those rose colored glasses so you can clearly see that this isn't a cookie cutter lifestyle. That the aroma that brought you in is just one of the many chocolate chips in the batter.

So please please please stop asking where Christian Grey is, how to be the perfect Gorian Slave or Why you can't get anyone to make you feel that tickle the feather flogger promised.

Youre on this sight so I know you know how to read. Pick up one of those NON FICTION books on the lifestyle and Find YOU not Christian or Beauty in the knowledge you gain. 

Try researching the information on this site as well as a deluge of other sites. Where you can find those who have paved and shared their wealth of knowledge. Take the facts and knowledge you gain and find your own unique ingredient to add to the candy bowl.

I am not trying to pop that pretty balloon of hopes and dreams you brought with you. I do hope though that you can start to realize that the fantasy that brought you here is not likely to be the reality you find if you fail to look beyond the fiction.

I can tell you this though...what you can have once you find that reality can and will be far better and beautiful than any fiction or fantasy. 

So we all have hopefully heard about S.S.C:

Safe Sane Consensual.

The idea that in doing what we do will adhere to those 3 ideals. But there are flaws or short comings in just thinking that as long as one agrees to SSC no harm can come to them and if harm happens that means the other party is to blame. That is not the case at all but the short coming of thinking SSC is fall safe to keeping one well safe and sane.

Now if we are talking about just feather pillow or toss and tickle D/s then SSC is going to probably cover your bases just fine. You've done your negoations (right?), have your limits and safe word (duh) and have a basic knowledge of the person you are putting/receiving control?(Oh, shit).

But if you're like me and delve a little deeper, harder or darker; Sane starts to be questionable. I mean lets think about this a minute: You want to string someone up and then jolt electricity through them and they agree that's a great idea, there are going to be others saying your fucking insane and its not safe. Oh shit that's not SSC!!  OR Maybe you were the one who at first thought it was a great idea until that first jolt knocked you back 20 years and left you a drooling blubbering mess in the corner crying for your wubbie. Damn that means SSC was ignored right?

No. Its just that both of those are examples the one thing that is not addressed in SSC. Where was the consideration of risk over the idea of safety or sanity? That's the elephant in the room that comes with just about anything we do in this lifestyle outside of feathers and pillows (allergies to bird feathers?) Even then you easily could pass into the realm of R.A.C.K

R.A.C.K 

Risk Aware Consensual Kink

The glaring differences between SSC and RACK is that what is mentioned in one is clearly not in the other and vise versa. 

Safe is replaced with Risk Aware. In RACK you acknowledge that there is a Risk that it may not be entirely safe and that injury (physical or mental) is a possibility. You are Consenting to that. I have at times explained it in replacing the K in Kink to Knowlege. You need to have the knowledge of that particular kink to be able to be Aware of the Risks. (Play that record backward and hear a different lyric)

Sanity is no part of RACK. Not because its not important but because it demands a general definition of sanity. I tend to think people are bat shit crazy in some of their fetishes but then again I know for a fact people think I'm certifiable in some of my ways to play. Get it? 

The only common idea in either is concent. Period. Concent that all parties involved are on the same page and understanding,at the beginning and in perfect world the end.

But shit happens. Shit that SSC doesn't address and if that is what you are depending on to protect you; will leave you wondering what the hell happened. I've seen it happen to both ends of the title scale. I've seen it destroy a Dominants/Sadist reputations and send subs scurrying away never to be seen again. 

If you put all your trust in those two words safe and sane, you are settling yourself up for a fall. Ropes slip, whips cut and the mental place we go in this sometimes isn't always the same path back o reality. 

You can tell yourself all day long that it won't be you...until it is. All I would encourage anyone to to is take another look and maybe start looking more at the Risks to be Aware of and Concent of those involved that they have not only the Knowlege of the Risks but also that things may not always end up Safe or Sane. 

I am not saying that SSC is not important just that it isn't the gospel, perfect or the only true way.

My own definition of RACK when approached by those who want to preach the gospel of SSC:

RACK because my Sanity will never be viewed the same as others and what is Safe for me may not be the same for another. Consent comes down as agreeing on the definition by which two agree on what is Safe and Sane. Morals tend to be used in the ethics of what one views as Sane or Safe. I am not Moral in the traditional sense. If at the heart of all we seek is to enhance, promote growth and even through mental or physical pain, pleasure, there is no harm, no foul. Only in the Knowledge of what we are asking to give or receive can we make an Aware decision as to the Risk and Consent we are willing to give or receive.

This one time at band camp..

We all have a story. A history of where we have been, things we have done, how we became who we are.

And for some reason there is always that person who has to have done it Bigger Badder or Better than anyone in competition for the air in the room. Seriously, if that is you, shut up.

Not to step on anyone's toes (I am aiming for arches) but its got to be said, its not becoming. It stinks like that week old 3 inch fish you've been hiding in the cooler so no one finds out it wasn't really 12 inches! 

And just like that itty bitty fish;  the stink is gonna come out, someone who actually went to band camp is gonna call you out and you'll be picking ego wedgie out of your ass for months.

So maybe you really do have a 12 inch fish you caught bare handed at band camp and taught it to sing the Lord of Acid's song "The abc's of Kinky Sex". Good for you. Here's your cookie. If someone is telling you something about themselves just shut up and let them have their moment. Trust me, you'll get your time to shine.

For you who are new: Be you. Don't think we are looking to see if you have super skills or know somebody that knows somebody. We just want to know your cool and trust worthy. Lie about having some ultra top secret job and run into that one person who knows your lying...its gonna get around, it won't be cool and you won't be trusted. Trust me. 

Worried that you won't have anything interesting to say? Then just listen, learn and wait. You'll be surprised that you will actually have a lot to talk about once you stop trying to come up with your next tale and keeping your stories straight. 

You want us to like you, bring you into the fold or be accepted? Be real. Be you. Leave Bigger Badder Better to be another fool. Really.

This is going to be a two ended rant. So either buckle up or pop the popcorn, extra butter please.

Do you even know how you come across? Did you ever stop to think that that first message is not only the first impression but also so telling in your over all character? 

Exhibit A: Message from XYZ

Hi I want to chat tell me about u.

Does not give one fig in this exhibit as to what side of the power grid you identify with, you have shown me two important insights to yourself. 

1. You are unable to tell me why you think you want to chat with me (more on that later)

2. You have given me nothing in which to interest me in wanting to chat with you.

But alas, yes I can use MY time to go look at your profile to see for myself.

Exhibit B: The profile of XYZ

80% are under 50 characters and of that 80% 50% are not filled out at all. Yes, I can see your age, location and self designated title. Beyond that most I would find the profile of a slug to be more enlightening or informative. (Hard limit: Salt)

So again the tells into your game

1. You are looking to put in little effort or no desire to showcase who and why anyone should bother.

2. You really do have the personality of a slug.

The first two I understand can be really good signs some one is new or nervous about how to message or what or how to describe themselves.  I can forgive and over look that to a point, for newbies.

But then we move on to: 

Exhibit C: My profile.

I spent a lot of time and effort in putting my profile together. I update it as needed to inform of changes to limits, relationships, fetishes and what who and why I am on this sight.

I have very specific details in there along with ways to gain brownie point with me too. I am not a hard read and I would hope you could find one thing to bring to the initial message from it to start a conversation. 

So when you don't (see I told you we would get back to it) 

That in itself after seeing your profile, or lack of, is the final nail on the character coffin of any interest wasting time in a reply.

1. You are either just tagging online opposites to your given side of the D or s at random.

2. You are to lazy to even scan a profile to see if you actually have an interest.

3. You are looking for the tug and tickle and the initial message is just to get to the real question your wanting to ask. "Do you cam, skype or send pics".

Ultimately that is all I need to know. You can stomp your foot or go cry in a corner that I misjudged you or am being a bitch (tighten that buckle cause you would have known if your read my profile).

But to start chewing at the other end of my rant (as a submissive to all you Dominants). Is that really how you want to show as your strong suit? 

You are wanting to impress on me why I should want to become your submissive and let You have control over me?

Yet you can't, won't or don't feel its worth the effort to do the work just in a proper message or profile?

Just to be fair, submissive stop the cry baby pouting about not finding you're "One Twue Dominant". If you're not reading profiles or wasting time on one that has clearly at least now been shown to not the energy to put into themselves let alone you, you ARE getting what you are asking for. 

So am I impressed? Clearly not. Now where's that popcorn? Pass the salt! 

So my profile says I am a Submissive. Then it goes on to show I am unattached and lists who I am looking for and what I claim to be (dying to try out that lady by day shit). Words of warning for those who stopped reading there: No where in the rest of it does it state the words "desperate" to be just anyone's submissive.

It does state I have no problem looking anyone dead in the eye. How unsubby of me, right? Wrong! How pathetic that some one who look to a word or title and think that another can't stand up toe to toe and be in control of their own life. I am in control, mostly, of all aspects of me. I ask no ones permission to do just about anything in or out of this fickle lifestyle. I am in possession of my own Dominance. But that doesn't mean I want to be, just that no one yet has proven they are ready or able to handle what powerful possession that is.

I crave, long, desire (grab a damn thesaurus) to put this in some one else's hands. Whether it's total or partial control of my life. But I know it's worth and my worth. I have given it away before and had it used abused and betrayed. I keep it deep inside very thick walls now. I wonder if it will ever see the light of day again?

No mere chest pounding, whip cracking, self declaration of Dominant title is going to crack through. I love to observe people, see how they tick. Its very telling of just how much control and character they posses in the realm of all of this. So I doubt their domliness? Only in how it pertains to me and how it would never work.

I am not a brat, love my bratty friends, its just not me. I am difficult, opinionated and strong willed. I know what I NEED to see in someone to even think it could work. Maybe its been to long that the Dominant in me wants to just take over. But that isn't me, as amusing as it sounds, I would be miserable. I need a strong (not abusive) hand, I need a authoritative voice to calm me down, and I need eyes that will stare into my soul.

I am tired of being my own Dominant. My hands are shaking, my voice is cracking and the mirror fails to reflect any light anymore. But I am not weak just waiting albeit impatiently for some one so I can finally say I am not my own Dominant anymore. Again it won't and can't just be anyone so until then.....

And no, absofuckingly not looking for an online Dominant, before you ask...

So continuing in dealing with these bones (see previous post) I am quickly realizing they still have a little meat on them. They still have power to crack my shell and tear open old scars.

The problem is now that the skeleton is out of the closet the demon is now in my head haunting my thoughts.

I hear the evil doubt laughing 

"Did you really think you were ready, strong enough, over me?"

I let the skeleton out to try and prove one thing only to realize that it would roll out a tidal wave of memories that I am struggling to put to rest.

Today I am battling the skull ? and this one may take a while with its evil laughing mandible and haunting soulless eye sockets. 

Does duct tape work on skeletons? Just curious...

Here's the thing I have found about keeping skeletons in closets.

When we first realize that we need to hide something way its not a skeleton at that point. It still has its ugly skin and muscles holding it together. I can prop it up way back in the corner and foolishly think it will just stay there until I have the time or courage to deal with it. 

But then it comes time to clean it out. Here's the problem. Unlike all the cartoons in which it stays all in one piece, it is now a heaping pile of 206 different bones. 

You can't just push it out and be done with it. You can't just think you can sneak one part out either cause the rest just keeps rolling out the door. And you can't change your mind because its not as easy as it was at first to just prop it back in the corner. 

So the dilemma is you now have to deal with each part of that damn skeleton. How it got there, which part it was in going into the closet, how to get it to finally have its resting place. For each of those 206 fucking bones.

A skeleton came rolling out of my closet today...now to deal with the bones. 

Another older writing of mine...

The inspiration comes from 

Listen to the Mustn'ts
By Shel Silverstein

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
then listen close to me-
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

Whether by self doubt or by inexperience, many times we go looking for advise from others. So many of the replies start off with all the Nots, cants and shouldn'ts.

There is wisdom in listening to the reasoning behind them for what they are worth. They will come with a history of why those words are valid. For the one who speaks them that is. 

Many before have started paths never traveled. They saw an area that wasn't or possible told shouldn't be explored. They did it anyway.

For some, the path ended before they found what they were looking for and will pass on that it can't be found.

Others will tell you of all the pitfalls and injuries inflicted along the way and say it shouldn't be done. 

Many will say unless you have or are xyz that you mustnt be based on their idea of xyz.

Listen close to me: you can have what you desire, need or strive for. Yes, there will be times you find a dead end, a pitfall or new definition of self but that is part of the journey. That is the joy in the final destination. The map that came from you forging your way in spite of the roadblocks of Can't, Shouldn't and Mustnt. 

Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

So I read read your ad today or maybe it was your profile, can't say there was much of a difference between the two.

You know, the one where you say you're looking for________ to ________. 

Usually it is followed by some fantasy wish list of desired physical traits.

To often it is missing what in the end really matters for a compatible match to reach out and find you. 

More alarming though is the lack of information either requested or revealed as to the knowledge or experience one has in what is being offered or requested. I mean the point is to actually be alive and sane when you finally find/experience it, right?

So you want to find someone to experience _________. Great, but if you're new to it, I would hope you would request someone who is experienced in it rather than take the risk you are the their first test subject.

So you say you want to _______ another. Great, but where is your list of what you have done to be qualified to say I should even think you even have a basic knowledge of what you say you are/can do??

True story, I comment that I like needle play and have someone running back with dull rusty sewing needles and a bottle of nail polish remover to "clean them up a bit" Yeah, no....moving on.

Maybe I am just showing my age, maybe I have an overactive self preservation gene but I know that I did make it this far and plan on living quite a bit longer by making sure at least one of us knows what the hell we are doing.

 I do get a chuckle out of some of the ads and profiles while rolling my eyes, muttering "Be careful what you ask for"....so thank you for that.

Just my random thoughts on the matter. Am I even qualified to speak on it? I'll leave that for you to figure out. 

This is a writing I did years ago...still as true now as then: enjoy.

I sometimes wonder at how my mind works. All morning, I have been trying to wrap my mind around what I am trying to say. Put on my stereo for some background music when this song started to play. It has always been a favorite of mine and today in its own twisted way told me exactly what I wanted to say.

White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane

"One pill makes you larger

And one pill makes you small"

Decide what or who you are or need. (Dominant, submissive, sadist, masochist, etc)

"And the ones that mother gives you

Don't do anything at all"

Going against your natural self will do nothing for you.

"Go ask Alice

When she's ten feet tall"

Seek out people who have the experience and reputation to guide you and learn from.

"And if you go chasing rabbits

And you know you're going to fall"

Know that you will make mistakes but that you can learn from them.

"Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar

Has given you the call"

Take responsibility for your decisions and mistakes.

"Call Alice

When she was just small"

Know there are others that have been where you are at and can help you find your way.

"When men on the chessboard

Get up and tell you where to go"

Many will tell you that you have to go or do a certain way but you need to find your own way and what is right for YOU.

"And you've just had some kind of mushroom

And your mind is moving slow"

If you don't take the time to know what you need or want it will take you that much longer to get to where you need to be.

"Go ask Alice

I think she'll know"

Take advantage of all resources. Read, go to munches, join groups and participate in discussions. DON'T walk blindly.

"When logic and proportion

Have fallen sloppy dead"

If it doesn't sound right or feel right to you or for you....use your gut, your head and common sense! Take time to figure it out before going forward.

"And the White Knight is talking backwards

And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"

Just because something is right for another doesn't mean it is right for you. Just because it is wrong for you doesn't mean it is wrong for another.

"Remember what the dormouse said;

"Keep YOUR HEAD""

Be Safe. Take responsibility. KNOW YOURSELF......KEEP YOUR HEAD!!!