MsNevermore's ramblings, observations, and thoughts

Some of these quicker than others:

1. That I have a voice and to use it.

2. That ignorance is not an excuse for lack of knowledge. 

3. If I don't know something find those who do and learn BEFORE following blindly

4. My flaws and imperfections do not make me less just imperfectly flawed which is a beauty all its own.

5. Fear is not something to run from but to face head on proudly and defiantly.

6. Make sure that actions match words and that time is given so that can be seen.

7. Distance does not always make a heart fonder or loyal.

8. The only one who should bring up pushing a hard limit is me.

9. Real life community is far less scary than what I imagined in my head.

10. Less talk more listening will open more doors and eyes.

11. No means No No matter who what or where says it. Period

12. Being a friend means hurting feelings sometimes.

13. Frenzy never ends well. Take a breath, step back  and breath.

14. I can't save them all. 

15. Revenge best served cold is still a cold meal

16. Let go of the past and wish it well.

17. Never settle for less or lower than my worth.

18. The one that is right may be the last one to be noticed.

19. The Golden rule isn't always golden.

20. Some bridges are meant to be burned. 

Today hasn't been a bad day all things considered. So sitting here and suddenly feeling a ton of mental and emotional bricks hit me. Any given day, I am use to one or two trying to make there way at me and I have gotten pretty good at dodging or deflecting them. Usually just a change of surroundings or activity and I can shake them off. I see them coming or can anticipate the direction they may come from and proceed to prepare process the cause of their arrival to lessen the impact on my mind.

Today, was not such a day. Maybe because today had turned out better than I had made the above preparations to handle. Either way or whatever reason I sit here completely blindsided by the emotional wave of bricks that have descended upon, within and encased my thoughts. 

I have already thrown and slid some back and out of my mind. But a few more than usual are still there weighing me down. A few of them I recognize as ones that I have deflected before. I realize now that in deflecting them I didn't actually deal with them and now they have returned wanting their due. The problem is I still don't have the answers to put them to bed or the strength to deflect them. So now they are here trying to cement themselves into the wall of doubts inside myself. 

There is a new one though, and together with the others I find myself in the rock and hard place of that quickly forming wall. The leverage I need to move the rock requires more room than the wall allows but in turn the wall requires the same to gain the space to deal with either. So I am mentally stuck. Emotionally drained. 

On the positive I am not rock bottom, just stuck in limbo between what I need and where I need to go to move forward. So there is that. 

So I will continue to process this dilemma one brick at a time. Cautiously keeping an eye open for more bricks looking to further weigh me down. 

Yeah, there is that. 

So pulling from a writing on a different site I am hoping to open a dialog or at least a thought for us to chew on for a moment.

The gist of the writing was more about how just because someone is 21 doesn't mean they should be told they are to young to claim a Top role (Dom/Master etc). 

And basically IF they have the KNOWLEDGE and have put in the effort along with that knowledge, I agree.

Example being if a 21 year old entered the lifestyle at 18 they potentially have 3 years of knowledge in being said Top title. 

Unfortunately the majority and yes, even myself, have automatically assumed (hate when I realize I fell into that ass) that they are less than they claim based only on the information of their age and role.

Two problems I realized I personally need to address and was reminded of tonight. 

"Wisdom does not come with age but with KNOWLEDGE"

So back to our 21 year old Top with 3 years of WISDOM. 

Why do we mock or question them but give pass or not blink an eye when its (lets say for discussion sake) a 45 year old. 

Even more so and where I really want to take this is why at ANY age it is only a topic or concern for those in a Top role? Knowlege or Wisdom in the role of choice or lifestyle.

Why are we not holding those of us in bottom roles (sub/slave/pet/lg) etc to the same standard? We should. Holding accountable and verifying that the knowledge of what it is and ability or skill to submit/bottom.

Why do we not question a 18, 21 or even 43 year old bottom role how they can claim that title or verify their knowledge level in what they claim to need it want? In my opinion we should. 

Knowledge is NOT for just a certain age/gender/role. It is also NOT just one sides responsibility either. Not saying one has to know EVERY thing before claiming a tag/title BUT some knowledge and responsibility toward knowing the why and how of what one claims to be.

Actually, in some sense, with all the topics of "Fake" or not "true" Tops, you would think that bottoms would want to have the same or more so knowledge than the top side. If nothing more than to know if the wool is being pulled over your eyes. (Safety)

Also, to be responsible and enlightened enough to know the why and how of your level of submission or such. 

Again, the 21 year old bottom tends to be seen as either easy prey or inexperienced. But are they truly? What if they have gotten up everyday over the last 3 year's and put the effort in on learning and practicing their bottoming role? What about that 43 year old bottom? Do we question or verify that they have anymore or less understanding? We need to.

Don't you think it to be as important that a bottom role knows exactly the why and how of their chosen role? I do. I think because we haven't that we see so many miserable, broken or confused bottoms. The ones who keep claiming they can't find what they need but can't define what why or how they need or are able to submit. 

Knowledge is the responsibility and accountability of anyone and everyone. No matter role, age, gender or time in the lifestyle. We need to stop the assumption that starts when we hear nothing more than an age and top role of those we meet.

Do I think we should just blindly stop questioning young(er) as to there skill set and knowledge? Hell no. I just think it need to be across board and not continued as the double standard. I think anyone should be asked and be able to discuss the level of knowledge whether by number of years or skills learned.

Would love to hear your comments on the matter.

What do you do to verify the knowledge of those you engage in ? (top/bottom role)

Do you think there is a reason we  give bottom roles a pass but not toward top roles?  

Finally what knowledge and length of time do you require of the opposite role of yourself? Example: how long should a role be learning/gaining knowledge before sticking to a title of either side of the coin? 3 years, 19 years, instantly?

Disclaimer: I am an analogy whore. Take this with a side of humor as well as equal part of seriousness. These are my experiences and observations and should be only taken as such.

Floaties to the left and body bags to the right: Swim at your own risk.

Water depth and temp varies please check before diving in head first:
 

Seems of late that there is a new cry of alarm that there are sharks (predators) in the waters of our slice of the world. Here's the thing and yes feel free to disagree or debate but the truth is this: they are in every "body of water", always have been just as there have been those of us who have tried to educate those new to the pool of how to spot them. At some point each individual HAS to take responsibility for when where and how deep they then decide to jump in.
 

Just as any other there are types of sharks. Let me start off with the worst:

The Abuser:

The type that in reality isn't what should be known as a species at all but has come in and desigused themself with an alpha experienced persona. Yes, they are here and it is a risk we all take in swimming in this lifestyle. Then again, they are in the world in general so why are we debating the why of how they are here? More on the How to protect ones self from them later.
 

Next Shark in the water:

The Predator

Yes, there is a difference between them and the Abuser. They are even now known as such by title. They are usually known to be the harder players. Doesn't always mean pain but also mental and discipline desires. Most of the ones I have encountered will tell you as much and its up to one who is tipping their toes in to fully educated themselves as to the level and compatibility of themselves as to how to proceed.
 

Lastly in this generalization of species is the most common of them all:

The Frenzy

They outnumber all other types and in some cases can or will evolve or reveal themselves as one of the other two. When first encountering them they will not seem shark like at all. They will say and do just about anything to prove they are anything but a shark. Their "feeding" pattern is what will give them away if one just waits but a minute before jumping in head first. They are the first to surface around one new to the shore. They will claim to be exactly who one needs to navigate into the current, all the while being the one stirring the current. They usually mean no harm but they are usually new to the waters themselves and have no experience in the depths of the water they are encouraging one to follow.
 

So yes, there are Sharks. Ones that mean to destroy, Ones that are deliberate and Ones who are overstimulated by the scents of the water. So how do we as swimmers or life guards get them out? We don't. Not even the Abuser will ever be able to to fully eradicated and the Predator and Frenzy are just part of the evolving depths.
 

I want to point out, in case you missed it, not one time did I term any of the above toward one gender or title. This is important! Any gender or title is just as likely to be a shark. First mistake most will make is in thinking they only need look for a certain gender or title to be dangerous. A Shark can destroy with submission just as easily as Dominance. If you don't understand that statement you need to.
 

And here is your first lesson: One must know the basics of swimming before diving in. First is knowing who and why you are and want to swim. If you skip this step and just jump in without checking the depth one of two things will happen. You will drown or you will drown another in the attempt to find your way back to the surface. You will be that kid who thought it was okay to belly flop off the high board because there were lifeguards on duty to pull their ass out. So please, if you want to be taken seriously, know how to at least doggie paddle the basics. No one is expecting you to be a good medal swimmer your first time in. Just don't think those of us who have been in the waters to be your personal coast guard service.
 

Learning the different strokes is its own blog entirely so for now lets return to swimming with Sharks.
 

We have identified their presence and their types. Now all the rest is actually nothing more than utilizing proper protection for identifying exactly what type you encounter.
 

See we are at the point that it doesn't matter they are there IF one takes the steps in personally.
 

When encountering any of the many species in the water be sure you take time to get to know them. Talk talk talk! This is not where you get to get to take a little breath and then dive 20 feet into the dark waters. The longer you will need to hold your breath under water should be doubled by the time you take to get your breath before diving. How far how fast will you be going? Don't know...don't dive.
 

Once you have that down look around at the species they ate swimming with. Are they part of a bigger school of fish that can vouch or at least act, appear, or identify the same as the one before you? Yes, there are some that swim alone but if you've taken the proper breaths above you should have an idea as to why.
 

The first time you decide to start treading water have a swim buddy. Even if its on line only! Let someone know where, who and how you will be swimming. Safe calls are your safety net and anyone who tells you you don't need them is exactly who you need to swimming AWAY FROM!
 

If you find that you are over your head do ask for help. We are here and at one point or another have been exactly where you are. We don't mind helping you back to safe depths....just for the love of all that is common sense...don't immediately jump right back into the exact place you just got pulled from! Insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result. Don't be that belly flopper....hint...it hurts the same the second time too!
 

If you encounter a shark. Identify it! Be sure of what type it is though before screaming Abuser. A Predator shark may seem scary to you but there are many that like a hard player, that alone is not an abuser. The distinct difference is Consent! And that goes both ways, fyi! If you don't know what depth you are consenting to DONT dive!

If consent is broken then let others know! Don't wait to see if it happens again, to someone else. 

If a Frenzy is bothering you. Either block them or educate them or point them to an area of the pool they can get a few swim lessons themselves.
 

This is no different than going to the ocean or diving into this lifestyle pool. The creatures are within. Its up to you to decide the how when and who you will swim with. If you don't want to encounter sharks....you will need to stick to kiddie pools. And even those tend to have leaches....
 

Happy Swimming
 

When looking at Roses many look for the color Some take time to appriciate the the scent, Few caress the petal I reach for the thorn. I see the sharp point, I appreciate the hardness, I respect its sharp edge I take the time to carress its hidden pain.

Some look for only the pleasure in its petals,
I look for the torture in its stem. Some seek only to feel the pleasure of its beauty I seek to feel the beauty in its coarse spine

Never taking for granted that it's beauty was easily given, For the price of its bloom was thru Toil and Grief.
For the life of a rose is foreborn in strife and hardship Fighting thru ground so hard Fighting to reach the air that feeds its leaves Protecting itself only by thorns closely resembleing claws.

Anyone who is careless and distracted will feel its bite and cry and morn at the sting. Those who respect that in its beauty comes with it a hidden pain will always come away a sense of awe and joy.

So take another look at the Rose before you ... and take comfort in its hardend tears.

""We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."" — Abraham Lincoln

Its that time again! Resolutions of promises we are going to get done "THIS Year" that we didn't follow thru with or get around to in the past year. I'm guilty as any of it.

Here's the thing that I learned this past year when the resolution I made to go and see family "this year" suddenly had an expiration date before I was able to finally "get to it". All the "maybe next year" or "I swear this year"s came down to hours to make it happen when that call came in. And it didn't happen fast enough. Just hours from them enroute to give that final good bye...they were gone. 

All the "they knew you were coming" didn't stop the regret and guilt of knowing I failed.

So 2018 No Resolution isn't because I don't have goals, a plan or lists...it just that it will be a daily resolution. 

To do the most I can for the day I am in lest there isn't a tomorrow.

To make the call and not wait for the holiday

To be the best I can be but still enjoy who I am as I am.

To hold the door, lend the hand and find a way between each 365 sun rises and sets to leave the world a better place for at least one person outside of myself.

Here's the thing, I know I will have failures. I will have successes too. I will daily find new weakenesses as well as new strengths. And instead of waiting til the next year to say "This year" I only have to wake up the next day and say "Today" I will try again, do better and not quit til I succeed"! 

Happy New Year! Day 1!

This is a fast blog meant mainly to get the words out of my head. This is personal, my battle of will of within myself. 

I feel it there just under my skin, I've felt it before. My fingers curl and bend thinking this feeling it can mend.

Just scratch off the surface and let break free. Open the door with that well guarded key.

Two sided coin held in my palm just toss it, call it and see where it lies. 

I think I may have been foolish to think I could submit...or is that just the itch trying to bitch?

I honestly think I'm just tired of trying, sitting so patient and quietly dying. I can't stand the silence up on this shelf. Just take a stand and come down myself. 

That itch has a plan and just wants a voice. But once it begins it won't be stopped twice. 

As nice as I've been this itch tips the scale. It pain and chaos that puts wind in its sail. 

The years is about over and a new one begins. So tired of fighting this itch that is crawling up out of my skin.

Ascorpiess went to sleep to awaken Nevermore...what name shall we call this if I open that door? 

Preface: Yes, there are those who are strictly here for the sexual aspect of BDSM. Bedroom only dynamic. Not to discredit their style of Kink but for this blog will be further refered to as the Wang Bang. Contact is made and end result is that sex is the primary goal with either little intent or substance for it to progress beyond one or both being sexually gratified.

Many of us however are not looking for the Wang Bang. We are here for the full course meal. No, not saying that we don't want sex but that in of itself is not primary to the D/s lifestyle we either are looking for or engaged in. Its one part of the whole and isnt, at least for me, what is primary for a successful D/s relationship. I love sex but honestly I can get that anywhere. Finding a compatible D/s dynamic, that turns into a day in day out, in and out of the bedroom lifestyle is another story.

The Wang Bang negation is pretty straight forward. Where, when, how, who, limits and safeword; good to go. Its a single scene or moment that is planned and played out. Meet at XYZ do ABC and done. If it was mutually satisfying in needs and wants it may or may not repeat again. 

For lifestylers its quite a bit more in-depth. There has to be a commonality and communication that takes place before proceeding. Most aren't going to respond to a random "wanna suck my dick/spank my ass". The online scene included. If within your first three messages you want a nudie pic or talk on Skype 90%of you will fall into the Wang Bang category. Feel free to debate this but given a choice of instant gratification or getting to know the person for a while to actually know who you are literally or virtually undressing and you choose sex....you are a Wang Banger. Don't fight it own it. If that's your thing, do it and do it well. I will digress enough that if your having to repeatedly throw out new lines for new fish, you might wanna rethink on that do well part. 

Back to topic: I am not a Wang Banger. I along with many others are not into Wang Bangers. We are either happily content in our D/s relationship or are seeking one that is satisfying beyond an hour tie, flog and grind session. Sex becomes the desert not the main course. And just like any great 8 course meal, it takes time to shop, prep, cook and consume those courses before serving up the pudding. 

The main dish is trust. The meat of the meal. Everything else compliments or enhances that trust. Communication is the seasoning and the fetishes are the sides. But sex is desert; sex is pudding.

How can you have your pudding if you don't eat your meat??? 

Well you can. Ask any Wang Banger. Pudding can be its own delish. But is that all you are wanting out of all this? Or are you looking for a lifestyle? 

If so, I wish you well. Don't knock me however in your messaging how I am a waste of time to talk to because I choose to prepare the meal rather than skip to your watery pudding. Yeah, even pudding needs to set. 

Awe, how cute you stopped at the box that said submissive and thought you found your next kitten to kick. 

Some of y'all need to just stop. You know who you are. The ones who look at a submissive title like fat pig looks at mud. A Pig sees Mud; all Mud is dirt, its wet and Piggie can flop its ass around in it. Pig is happy. Yeah well good for pigs and mud but you missed the mark on submissives.

You see a box with a kitten inside and think cute and weak. You don't stop to think of what species of feline you are encountering. Same with Submissives. Don't you dare lump us as one and as alike.

There is just as big a difference in submissive as there are types of cats. Awe how cute you tamed that tabby cat but can you tame a tiger or handle a lynx? Until you know exactly what type of submissive you are encountering don't assume your curiosity is the right bag of tricks to be opening. 

Of course you might actually find out that instead of what you thought you were going to get was a purr comes put as a bark...but I digress youre probably still trying to figure out the mud.

Just a sarcastic rant today....

Not many of us have the ability to be open books to our family by blood or who were are and what we do. Not to make light of it but at times I think it would be easier to tell my family that I was a serial killer and that I had ten bodies stuffed under my bed. I'm not, just to be clear. What I am is "Kinky and a Freak". My adult daughter ran across my toy box and asked questions. Without getting to detailed it ended with thinking its "gross" as she tags friends on Facebook about the new trailer for 50 shades. She gets it but I'm "mom" ; mom isn't suppose to be kinky or a freak.

So I have my second family. My family not in blood and genetics but in kink and lifestyle. Well no, not exactly. None of us have the same kinks and we live our own lifestyle a bit differently but we understand and accept each other because and in acceptance of those differences.  Well, most of the time. Just as with an actual family, we at times have drama and that one or two crazy "uncles or aunts".

Some we see or talk to on a daily basis. Some its just once a month or year at those "family functions" (munches and parties). But its always great, for me anyway, to reconnect and renew spirits with those who share not genetic traits but ideals. To share both sides of our life freely both vanilla and lifestyle without fear and judgement. 

Everyone needs people. And as great as the online community is, there is something that face to face and actual human contact gives, that a computer screen can't give. To see the look in ones eyes that they understand and empathize, or the hug of caring arms. It's just not reached with clicking keys or the blinking icon. 

I truly feel for those who by location, circumstance or fear feel like they can't engage in a local community to find a family. We are out here and in many cases closer than you think. Always willing to accept another sibling, cousin and even crazy Uncle Al. It may not be a large family you find and it may not be exactly what you wished for but what family is. You don't get to pick your blood family but you love, accept and support them. Same here when youre willing to do the same. 

I encourage you to find your real life kink and freak family. I'm signing off this blog to get ready to get ready to connect with mine. 

Much love from this crazy Aunt Nevermore.