Ev's kink corner

If you have a partner and you say to me, "I'm poly," and you want to play with me, I will want to talk with your partner. In person, or on video chat. 

I will do this to establish consent.

I will do this because, in the past, someone I knew for years, whom I trusted, who had a sterling reputation in the community we were in, told me "my wife consents to me having other partners, she just doesn't want to know who or hear anything about it."

This turned out to be not at all true.

I do get that some people DO have consent from their partners to play with others, but they DON'T want to meet the person. Honestly, that's fine for some people, but to me it doesn't seem like the couple in question is really ready for polyamory. That thought aside, if I cannot talk to the partner, I have no way of really knowing whether or not it is this sort of "out of sight, out of mind" version of consensual polyamory, or a liar who is cheating.

You might know that you would NEVER lie about this sort of thing. I am not you. I don't actually know this.

After having been lied to a great many times about stuff like this, even by people I knew quite well, it is a universal policy of mine. I want to meet your partner. We don't have to become best friends. I just need to know they consent. 

If you flip out and say "well don't you TRUST me? You shouldn't play with me if you won't take me for my word!" I will wonder why you would be unwilling to verify this. 

It's like STD tests. That is a rule everyone in my poly group follows- we have a 4 person fluid bond. Me, my Master, his secondary, and her husband. I have sex with my Master, he has sex with his secondary, and she has sex with her husband. That's four people I'm protecting the health of, including my own. In order to be fair and as safe as we can be, we both discuss STDs with prospective partners (and require full disclosure) and also need to see test results. 

If a person has money, has insurance, or has access to something like Planned Parenthood, they can get tested. If they refuse, that's kind of a red flag. Have a monogamous wife I don't know about who can see on your family health plan that you got STD tests? Have an STD you don't want me to know about? Hm.

So, getting cagey about things like that make me wonder why. They aren't unreasonable requests at all. I absolutely LOVE when a prospective partner of Master's checks in with me to make sure everything is ok. I like and respect them a lot more for it. I feel more comfortable with them, and trust them more. I am more likely to be really flexible with scheduling so they can have time with him when their schedules match up. I am actually poly, and actually okay with being poly. I would rather know who my Master is with, because I want a sense of the kind of people they are. I love and care about my Master, and want him to be treated well by others. I also want to be sure we will get along, if things get really serious. 

My orientation is polyamorous. I naturally love and deeply bond with more than one person at a time.

The relationship model I practice as a poly person is also one that involves deeply bonded relationships. I have a couple friends with benefits, whom I care about quite a lot too, but what I am looking for now is someone who, if things go well, may eventually become a part of my leather family. This means a partner who isn't going to hide me away like a dirty little secret, only to be seen on lunch breaks, in a hotel room, or on a business trip, without the knowledge of their other partners. That's not being family.

"Poly" doesn't mean "cheating on monogamous partner." If you are poly as an orientation, you need to be honest with yourself about it and decide whether you would rather stay with your mono partner and suppress that part of who you are, or break things off with your mono partner and live as a polyamorous person, with the informed consent of your partners.