Sarah’s world

I sleep in a storm, in my new grey blue storm colored flannel sheets - oh the COMFORT I feel while a thunderstorm rains down all around me through my earbuds.   

A blue and yellow bed now - I am stunned as I realize I’ve subconsciously chosen the colors that I tried to pick for my childhood bed.  Imagining the coveted white lattice sandals on the ground here I know that if ever I find a similar pair I will buy them on the spot.  

My Daddy sang to me last night!  What a VOICE?Speaking and singing, I could listen and listen eating that right on up.  And He read to me this poem!!!  which I LOVE which he wrote - years before he knew me and yet- it is for me.  Undeniably.  Uncannily.  What a beautiful exchange (my murmurs as words hit and hit..

This is TOO GOOD to fuck up ha - I, Sarah, will not fuck this up.. I, Sarah, WILL not fuck this up..  I Sarah will NOT fuck this up….

?

*cellocasters post on Eva Cassidy made me go look at my daddy’s rec’s from early on when we crashed into each other, as he loves Eva Cassidy too and considered her a hero for not selling out.. and I am currently enjoying his spotlight on Foy Vance

Thank God!  My energy had dropped scary low after my session with my daddy on Wednesday. I wondered could I be dying.  But finally today (lol bc it’s actually only been a couple of days) - I feel my energy emerging again with the help of music that gets me dancing hard.  Now, Larry told me to move physically in my isha Mtg Wednesday night ha but I felt I had to crash. I will note for the future that he was RIGHT.  Interesting to learn when to trust my gut and when to allow myself to be pushed (by the right people).  

I always feel the contraction will never end haha.  And then the expansion comes and I rejoice!  Thankyou to butterfliesandcuffs for some music choices to get my energy going and then I ended on a song I’ll share here which got me moving and also touched me - the pleading lyric “don’t give up on me” is for me about one part of me pleading to another part of me to please not to give up on me.  Does anyone do parts work?  I’ve done some and it’s been amazing - I’d like to do more.  Below I’ve included left handed writing from my self hating part.. 

So my pattern is that if more is touched than I’m quite ready for- I panic and try to shut down (eat and sleep a lot - my body literally loses most of its energy).  My goal then will be to move physically sooner, and to push myself to let the facilitators in (I probably need help then when I LEAST want it).  Also to remember that it WILL end 

I cling to you but you set me free.  We both like the rope.  Why when I look at you do your eyes pierce into me and I’m that girl on the toilet seat.  Eating chocolate to feel better, not knowing another way yet.  Bite after bite to numb the pain.  It’s not my fault, I didn’t do it, it might have been the bad boy down the street.  If only Mr. Blace would’ve complied.  If I could’ve snuck out of the house to see that boy.  If I was allowed to sit at the bar for several minutes longer before being retrieved.  These aren’t memories I want right now.  My pain consumes me, I must surrender.  If even death comes I won’t fight.  

My caterpillar brows

my beak

rubbing the oil into my skin, making little circles and pulling.  It feels SO good over my yellow bed.

Pressure on my eyeballs now, and on my jaw, warming my nose 

Creating HEAT now - I can feel my bones!  

Giving myself warmth I hover over the steaming chai tea in my glass pitcher

Praying to Istvan please Istvan touch me, please help me move 

And pacing pacing in my now good room, resisting feeling 

My zoom session with my good Daddy yesterday was STUNNING but it stirred up some things which I must look at and feel..

Meanwhile I have added PLANTS to my room!!!  This is something I have wanted.  Now there is a bonsai tree by my bed and a lucky bamboo plant on my dresser and if you go very close the smell is of the earth and Thankyou for THAT!

I open my heart and say YES to physical pain, yes to panic, yes to doing “nothing”

High ponytail, dresses that I hated and were scary going over my head, being restrained too long in a hug, bad breath 

Smell of throw up, peed bed and sleeping between the wall and the bed having fallen out.  Dreams of being happy and having a boyfriend, hiding, stealing my sisters Halloween candy

last night opening then shaking sweating happy but something else too and then very cold and NEEDING to eat.  They held me back a little and then I ate in front of people for the first time 

Chai tea chai tea, healing aroma, sweetness and heat, I can go on with my day having you inside me 

I feel deep appreciation for: 

1. Teal helping a woman that actually spoke directly to me- an incredible self rejecting pattern from childhood, sad, but super empowering to understand and know what to do.  And give empathy to me and why I am like this.  It’s understandable I would be given there was never a YES to me (feel)

2. my breakthrough in my isha mtg yesterday - not needing to spout my problems, I had released many tears naturally before the mtg and could then GIVE- this feels very exciting! I would like to do the 6mo and become a facilitator one day!

3. being a match to self loving music- feeling Shiva invocation (below) in my bones.  Allowing love IN

4. my time for a lovely bath before my zoom session w my daddy

5. myself helping my daughter find a life that feels good to her, as I wish was done for me, even tho it will be challenging for me to have very little alone time and I’m a bit nervous!

6. The Isha system and even Victoria who hurt me because she led me there and I probably wouldn’t have chosen it myself without someone just thrusting it upon me

7. MY DADDY-  ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

8. reaching out to my ex husband yesterday just to say hey, I see I really caused you pain and I’m so sorry, when I could really feel and see that:(  Telling him he did not deserve it, and that he deserves everything good.  God please give him a good woman and connection with himself and his passion in whatever way is right for HIM

9. supporting my son in seeing the male therapist that HE likes (he is surrounded by women poor dear) and appreciating how he said it went great, that he scheduled it himself, and drove both ways omg I can’t believe my boy is driving me!  Very impressed by him!!!

10. standing up to his gf lol (she is a powerhouse!) so that he could get some alone time.  Being willing to be the fall guy for my kids

11. knowing what I like (the isha system, teal, and a certain bdsm dynamic) and making friends there, realizing I really do fit there

12. exploring here, learning as I go

13. having love to give, feeling my energy come out from my heart into the world once I have allowed it in for myself 

14. being safe to open, isha facilitators giving me that super safe space, how my feelings were not too big for them, the realization that I’m actually normal and there is nothing wrong with me 

15. What my physical issues are showing and teaching me, the understanding that the pain is there for a reason and it’s is not against me, its actually trying to protect me.  Because look what I do when I feel well- I take risks!!!

16. my KIDS- I understand my daughter better but I’m so grateful for my son and what he is teaching me.  So cool to see the male perspective from my view as a mother.  Makes me try harder.  Makes me understand.  My mom didn’t teach me

17. BLANK (mom lol- not ready yet, but I can tell things are flowing in this direction 

How is it that I am well?  How did I make a jump when I didn’t know I was about to? Life is wonderfully mysterious!  I greatly appreciate Francesco who led the isha meeting, who pushed me in practicing facets and being present giving to others.  I have something to give!  In this group it is wanted!  I feel joy.  I frequently believe I’m alone and yet Karolina is my friend, and we with Janze have our writing group..  ah how good it feels to focus on the good things.  There are so many!  Since my divorce I’ve learned to mow the lawn, ride a four wheeler, build furniture- I’ve come far!  AND, per my Daddy’s direction I went out and bought ROPE today, I chose rough kind.  I spoke too loudly perhaps ha in response to “can I help you find something?” Two older men, and me “rope!!” Haha.  In and out phew!  A friend lover had shown me how to tie my ankles together years ago and I used to sleep like that alone.  I am interested to see if I still like it and if I like this rough feel rope. I like the color, the normalcy of it (just plain tan?) I don’t like fancy colors or satiny textures I like REAL stuff. But I’m waiting to hear back from my daddy because I wasn’t so good last night and I’m anxious to reconnect?

I lay on my bed and cry and cry and cry and cry, the tears running down my cheeks onto the comforter.  I am resistant to loving me- please let me choose it.  It hurts to let it in because I KNOW I am bad.  Sneak it in as a poison gas that I can’t help but breathe in once I can no longer hold my breath.  I have always played with my breath, in the pool, on my driveway in my fantasies, on the streets walking, with others.  Oh god I don’t deserve what I have.  It isn’t a helpful attitude, it doesn’t serve, but I cling onto it because I’m addicted to suffering.  I could choose differently.  I just want to be held by my daddy and cry.  I want to stay open to him.  Last night I closed and now I’m paying the price.  Yes to that.  Yes to not sleeping.  Yes to my beautiful room and getting things done today.  Yes to judgments against me. Yes to these tears.  Yes to floating in space until he comes to pull me down to earth.  Come into my heart all, I have no need to defend.  Thankyou for feeling 

She wasn’t supposed to shoo the dog away if it tried to sniff her crotch.  Not even to move away but just to stand there and let it happen.  She felt humiliated by this, as though she smelled.  But he thought it was funny and liked to watch her mortification.  One such time he came and pet the dog “good boy” and then went behind her and held her wrists together by her butt.  Did the dance of how good it felt for her to be restrained like that, he let her slip them up and grasp her own forearms near the elbows.  Keeping there he reached on her front up her shirt and onto her breasts she started undulating her hips aching from the humiliation. He kissed her neck brushing her hair to one side.  Stopped to give the dog food so it would leave them be and picked her up to sit on the kitchen counter her arms came to her sides.  He pushed her shirt up she didn’t wear a bra and licked her nipple and bit lightly.  She closed her eyes and opened her mouth.  Standing up he looked at her, she kept her shirt up holding it for him and pushing her breasts out a little, writhing slightly on the countertop parting her legs slightly. He saw and pushed them apart much more reaching under her skirt straight inside her she gasped. “Wet” he accused. She touched him his chest his shoulders she needed him closer needed to smell him feel him but he slapped her face hard “did I say you could touch me?!” I’m sorry! she said and despite the pain from the blow blurted “can I please touch you can you please hold me?”  No he said and took her down placed her on her belly over the kitchen table.  She had her hands to the side and up and left them there. Listened to him remove his belt and snap it, lift her skirt and pull her panties down to her ankles.  Ahhh! she cried as the first blow struck. Then another and another and she almost passed out but she took it and it was strange it began to feel good and she imagined the purple and green marks she would get which would allow her to keep him with her for days, a week or two if she were lucky.  Finally he stopped, panting a little and she felt him press his hard cock against her ass and cunt.  She didn’t know which hole he would use when bam he shoved it into her dripping pussy but after a few thrusts removed it and brutally raped her ass.  She felt she would rip open and bleed but she needed to please him.  When he came she felt like she liked it A LOT pushing back into him and welcoming him fully taking him all.  He then made her stay backwards to him but climb on all fours on the table.  She heard the vibrator go on and he put it straight on her clit kind of hard and she came within seconds.  She collapsed on the table and he covered her with a blanket.  She was told to fall asleep while he got their movie ready.  She touched the table and reviewed things in her head and dozed.. 

She wasn’t any good at it but she whispered to the gods to help her.  She had to please him or there would be hell to pay.  Down on her knees, scrubbing the floor earlier, she had thought of something which could help her.  It was a trinket from when they played jacks. She thought if she squeezed it hard in the palm of her hand whilst she serviced him then it might help her to focus on the job at hand. She wanted to be good at it.  When the time came she noticed that he had placed a bucket of water beside him.  It was also to help her he said.  Don’t be afraid to choke on my cock because it is worse to be held underwater.  Her eyes widened and she imagined that his scare tactic would work better than her focus charm.  In fact she did do better this time and as a reward for her progress she was allowed to sleep in the bed with him that night..