Sarah’s world

Dreampt it was the day of my divorce.  Met a man randomly very handsome and at first patient but then too aggressive.  Finally extremely aggressive and I had to fight my way out but then wanted him back regardless.  Then my ex husband was there and I was able to make peace with him and give him a nice hug.  I hope he manifests a lovely woman and I can host both for dinner.  I am grateful for him being there and a male influence for my children still.  I can show this gratitude today by paying his overdraft fee I think he overdrew our account which we haven’t closed yet.  Also in the dream I got a job at costco or some dumb shit lol.  Really dream fairies?  I couldn’t have been a fabulous singer or something? I think I am meant to become more productive, contribute more, harness my energies for good, not fuck around too much haha.  Fuck around a little though!

Kinda funny- had an isha meeting and felt silenced but his direction was spot on for me in this moment- I was told EXERCISE, say facets, and that I’m creating drama but I’m actually a-okay.  Actually good. Wasn’t sure but I don’t think Francesco has ever been wrong about me.  He can even channel my parts pretty well.  So I had to swallow my pride and my STORY and try.  And verdicts in- he’s right!  Had a pretty rockin dance party/sorta strip show all by my lonesome in my mirror, workin it in my apartment alone haha.  Worked up a little sweat lookin superfly (sometimes) and like a total dumbass mostly but I’m moving so all good baby 

here’s me.. becoming happy… ain’t fallin down that rabbit hole this time man.  You can just walk around? Interesting.  No need to throw myself off a cliff?  Huh..  we’ll let’s try that then haha

Lol like having a full on hard on?  For me it’s the attachment. Lol and not lol it can cause a lot of pain for many people.  Instant “I love you’s,” oversharing and men thinking it means one thing “we have this! It is special! It is unique!” when it doesn’t/it’s happened before for me.  It’s stunningly beautiful though.  And is it more harmful than having a raging hard on for a gorgeous girl?  I dont know, I fear it is.  My consciousness is beginning to touch on it though which will save pain for everyone.  I am grateful.  I am grateful. I am grateful.  

And, I did an interesting exercise yesterday from one of Teal’s workshops- she had a woman who kept picking the wrong partners write HOME on a piece of paper and list everything/all the words that come to mind.  On mine I wrote COLD angry not ok don’t exist not heard food rice lack of love unhappy false HIDE… and such things.  Then she had us cross out “home” and replace w “love,” as in my association with love, what I think love is, is: cold, angry, not heard etc….  Interesting. She said when you feel MAJOR attraction it might be something to pass by unless you want a “learning relationship” ha.  She said real love or a better match than what you might choose based off of a fucked up definition of love from childhood feels good, it’s not boring, but it’s more like a relief settled EXHALE….   And that it’s possible to both have yourself AND a relationship, I have always struggled with this too since I wasn’t allowed to have myself as a child.  So I felt that EXHALE for sure the other night with my daddy, but then I failed to stay feeling connected.  The disconnection happens fast for me especially when feeling so needy.  Yesterday was amazing with my daughter but then suddenly quite difficult as she brought up some difficult stuff from the past and I was exhausted.  My daddy was so responsive helpful and spot on in his advice re: her.  I really appreciate that though he’s never met my children it really feels I have help with them and he keeps their best interests in mind first.  

Anyway, both the Teal thing and my daddy were helpful and I feel seriously grateful to have found the right help for me after choosing many things that I found unhelpful and even harmful.  But Teal also makes my head hurt haha she is so smart.  Very clear too but for me I just need to feel feel feel.  I am glad there’s an isha meeting today❤️

“Invisible.. do what you want.. do what you want..

ah to lay at the feet of my daddy while he works and just wrap myself around his legs if he lets me just hold on.  If he tries to shake me off I want to cling on like a child does and throw a fit or just mutely hang on.  If he wants something a drink? his charger? I hope he’ll just bark Get me a lemonade Sarah or Go and do the dishes now babygirl, Make us dinner.. Get the rope- I don’t want him to ask nicely.  I can bring it or do whatever it is and then lay back down by his feet, just “take rest” as my yoga teacher used to say.

any Radiohead fans?  This black and white video is cool I like his moves I like to dance like this just weird, just however I feel it

I moved a lot after being judged by several here.  But  I still feel it and luckily it is coming out now with music and in tears.  Feeling.  I can say a facet- love creates me in my perfection.  I ordered two new teal frequency wall hangings I’m so excited, when picking which frequencies these jumped out so clearly and the second made me immediately bawl: JOY (! My mother always said “I don’t care if you’re happy I just want you to be safe”) and AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP (to go right above my head on my bed❤️).  I don’t want to live in self hate, what an incredibly destructive coping mechanism I learned.  Such a program, a rut, but I’ve made much much progress with the isha system.  “I don’t belong anywhere!” I cry out and she says “you belong here, and anyway that’s just an idea.”  I come back again and again to my heart.  My daughter re-did our living room and inspired me to finally clean and settle into my room.  I am so happy about this it is truly magnificent.  To place things here that are meaningful and special to me, to arrange color and meaning, to think I am worth it, and in looking through things I found my dads favorite quotes from his funeral and a book or two I wrote as a very small child!  Interesting they are already about this type of dynamic I believe.  Thankyou for letting me express here.  I have hidden for so long and now want to be out in the world and just move when triggered.  Today my daughter and I enrolled her for online school, I feel nervous about it but really good too. She told me today why she has me sleep by her “because of how grandpa died (out of nowhere in his sleep),” she’s monitoring me so I don’t die “I love you so much mom please don’t die.”  She wants online bc of drama with girls at school, I support her I wish someone had taken me out of school.  And she’s smart we’ll get her work done quickly and spend much more time at the horse farm😀👍❤️🙏

I want live with death in mind each day- to live fully.  

Here are pictures from my book I wrote as a little child and the quotes my dad liked which were shared at his funeral.

Those glass bottles of coke, alphabet cereal, cups of frozen peas, her grilled cheese sandwiches and her stress level energy.  The walk in closet nail polish remover my sister and in my dreams sweet boys hidden amongst items stuffed there finding each other the beauty. White carpet tan plush, stockpiles of expensive flavored chocolate at easter and I binged in the bathroom.  Sadness at Christmas oh the empty feeling despite those beautiful glass colorful candies with jelly centers in the dish on the wooden table he built.  A pain to clean to her expectations with the glass inserts but impressive I felt proud.  The vacuum where you had to reach in and grab the dirt from the water so gross such a pain but it works well! Says my mother.  Corn on the cob with butter in summer on the porch with the green carpet and where Junk Runs occurred when mom was gone.  Bits and pieces palpable memories coming back, before there was nothing now there are some things more and more hopefully placing me there my being now assured of safety in present can go back and see 

My son recommended the movie on Netflix the fundamentals of caring and this song played somewhere in the middle and I had to add it to my Spotify list.  Such a voice wow and what a poet

Please move go! get get!  Where does that come from the movement, I guess I can make it happen at times. Appreciate the movement, move move.  That stillness is so dense so murky.  I love you I say I love you! It is like Thankyou.  Thankyou for helping me both beautiful and oppressive.  Back in the tent the smell of grass the wind it was weird but I loved it.  I don’t miss my house I do miss my neighbors.  I never picked up many people always kept floating down now I try to be a friend so I don’t lose more.  Never thought I’d resonate better than with Teal but I do much more with Isha or her teachings anyway.  I ask for willingness to unify deeply to stop popping out or to be with the resistance 

I reconnected with my daddy last night😀❤️👍🙏

I couldn’t post my dancing vid here so I sent to him just to see- we hadn’t been flirty or sexual in like 6weeks.  He liked it yay and I sent more and I sent him my amazing fantasy story I wrote.  I didn’t post here bc some of my fantasies are about being saved from my childhood by a man.  But my daddy says everything is safe with him and I’m allowed to express everything.  It felt so right.  So good to be attached connected again so sweet and SUCH A RELIEF. He made me feel so good and I could whisper the things I needed to from my heart and open back up to him fully cry to him.  I didn’t want the feeling to end.  He said he would stay with me all night, I could tie myself to him.  Now I have so many things on my mind about my daddy, goodness, super exciting.  We have plenty to talk about still, but I was able to get out many of my thoughts and feelings and confessions.  Whatever happens from here, that was beautiful beautiful beautiful.  I am grateful.  I forget- I forget things and I make things up in my head too- but I can’t deny that felt very right

Really enjoyed the movie the Tender Bar on prime video just now- touching, beautiful, inspiring, painful, true, endearing.. I like the song they ended with: