Sarah’s world

Helped touched and inspired by this music today, Istvan Sky is such a profound and gifted healer.  Grateful when the right music can drop me down instantly whereas I had had resistance.  Gets me moving physically, emotionally and I can feel JOY as I am meant to. I let my little girl out!  Thankyou Istvan!!!!!! This is going on repeat.  Incredibly settling and deepening.  Especially when it builds to the 11:05-ish mark, it’s like - yes!!!!!!!!   Joy!!!!  I had had a few days of being in a severely self hating state(I realize it’s a part and will maybe pursue further parts work) and it finally lifted yesterday after an expression (God Thankyou for the isha system and the incredible facilitators).  The joy of it leaving, man, life opens up and feels so good again, I am grateful.  My daddy was amazing through this process, I’ve never had a man be so willing to go in there with me. I am grateful to him, so glad for his direction, support and perfect balance of calling me out when neeeee while also appreciating and really learning me. Yay, life is good❤️❤️❤️

It was too late.  She had done the damage before she got well.  And so did I.  

I cried because the coaster worked well ha

under threat of death do we live, it’s a gift 

to stay open when I feel hurt?  When I was left alone to (burn alive) to suffer and suffer until I choose differently.  Then to feel the racking sobs mine alone and see the beauty.  I didn’t know - it’s so mysterious.  Unplug my head and let it float away I want to live in my heart I want to come into my body. Sometimes it takes me.  I don’t have to find it it comes.  It is okay.  What I am hurt by I have done.

I am that 

I loved fables as a child.  I liked this one in particular. I will ask my daddy if he will read to me:)

*in my writing below when I say I’m ready my lord, I’m thinking from Leonard cohens you want in darker (I posted this song below too).  To me this song has always felt erotic. So I’m ready my lord could be I’m ready master or whatever. But in this case a dark master..  anyway, I’m writing about the choice between a self destructive reaction or a healthy one when triggered.  

I’m ready my lord 

I tried

It wasn’t enough

I am not enough

The terror of no response 

Spinning out and finally 

Floating in space 

Just let go and float it’s whatever everything bad and ugly can just be there it’s fine like lying in your own filth but you don’t mind 

So I’m ready my lord just take me I will sell my soul for whatever price you give me

Like a junkie just take my pain away 

Or:

could I care where he didn’t?  Could I be curious?  Could I let go of the self bashing for a little while?  Could I find tears? I am so grateful to this piano music it is the only thing that is reaching me.  Going in my ear and pulling out my sadness 

There was a lot of pain on the underbelly of that high.  I choose something more constant and real.  The illusion was dangerous because I almost acted on it and I did risk losing it all.  The real thing was there the whole time, I only needed to learn and grow into it.  And I did:)

“I am so happy!” my daughter turned and shared today as she drove the four wheeler at the farm for the first time.  And I felt so happy too!  Out in the cold under blue sky and sun, later petting the various horses as I cleaned their stalls.  They’re starting to say “hi” to me I think, we seem to be checking each other out now that my energy is more settled around them.  I admire their color, their softness and how big they are.  Anything difficult in the day is tolerable because we were there this morning and we have that.  

It’s not the things we put inside ourselves.  It’s not the food or the sliver of soap I used to cause pain there 

It’s the things we listen to and feel.  The music and the strangers’ hands I put on my swinging hips

I think I’m in a better place already.  The best place.  And I feel a connection to this music, my bare feet moving in my kitchen.  

Hold the pink rose in the palm of my right hand.  Send all my doubt there

I kind of hate nighttime, it can go fuck itself maybe:) Let’s just start fresh tomorrow and call it.. or is there something there I’m meant to feel?

I need to find a rock to paint.  Where will I find it?  I want it to be as much like the one I painted as a child as possible.  My little little girl, who hadn’t been broken yet, and was joyful, asked me to follow through with this and I will!!  I look forward to it!  I WON’T disappoint her, I WON’T.  How sad to have been shoving her down all.. these.. years..  I will watch for how it affects me, I feel there will be meaning in doing it as well as such pleasure in present moment focus, appreciation and exploration of color and design..  

My sister wants to deny the bad memories but me, I find that unbearable.  To pretend all is well when it isn’t?  Or wasn’t?  No way, not anymore.  But I can connect with the joy of my little self though:) I can let her come out to play.  

My tea has kindly brought me a needed reminder today:) ❤️

In my childhood I was not encouraged to know myself, love myself, definitely not to trust me and being me wasn’t always important either.  I am so grateful to be a match finally to a program where I’m told such different things: there is nothing wrong with you, trust you, give love to you, be your authentic self…

Really happy where I am in life - hard won, hard to get past those ingrained patterns- but totally possible.  Super grateful for the help I’ve had, I hope to pass it on someday and maybe a little now by being in my greatness, striving just to just love me.  May sound selfish to some, but actually I find I have wayyyy more to give once I’ve given to me❤️ And actually it’s already a profound positive effect on my parenting and I suppose it emanates everywhere when I’m in a good space.  Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou 

A white thing (dresser), a black thing (shelf), and bright color everywhere surrounding. The pain when I realized he was dating HER. And then I later dated her for a few moments.  It isn’t even a thing, I just need rest..

Some men can be so TENDER.  My daddy’s hand on my heart, his lips on my forehead lingering transferring- love energy..

Puddle at my feet. Rain and rain and rain, one of the best things- rain.

Will you hold my shame daddy?  Can I bury my head into you?

last night I walked willingly into Dream World…

and today I was allowed to commune with a majestic thick legged white horse who was SO CALM and still - not like her..

and RIGHT NOW I don’t have time to hate me (!) and this realization helps me to quickly and fully RELEASE the stress with dancing movement and from my core a waterfall of bubbling up tears.  I know that I’m trying SO HARD - in fact I can relax a bit!  But I wish I could induce myself to throw up..

I SEE that it’s a blessing.  Being pushed over the edge.  Really this IS like throwing up. Emotionally.  The same relief comes afterward

I will grow in this.  With this challenge if I choose for love I will learn grow and become MORE

thanks again Aphrodite for this song that helps me so much now on repeat 

My wildly beating heart.  I feel it ping around in my chest like a ball in a pinball machine. Why does it do that?  I feel fear

RECEIVE my pain (a gift

EMBRACE my sadness with pink love bombs.  Then finally we walk to the river.  It is always Larry who offers me a hand up from the ground (a healer he is

Sit in sun, warm, placing wet sand on my limbs

Reveling in belonging❤️