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Good Girl… Lost

I’m struggling. I need. I want. I’m so lost in a sea of sharks who smell the blood of a submissive seeking her way.
2 years ago. April 9, 2023 at 7:06 PM

So I was recently in a dynamic. However the Dom didn’t want anyone knowing about us. Including a mutual friend who has a history of mental health issues. I agreed to not tell anyone.

This mutual friend sells knives and had made it known he had been put on short term disability. He was saying how his knives make great gifts. My Dom had ordered one from him but not paid as of yet. So I had the dumb idea to buy the knife for him. I messaged our mutual friend offering to pay for the knife. I didn’t even think about this putting myself in a bad position of getting questioned as to why I wanted to. I didn’t want to hurt our friend by omitting or neglecting to tell him about our dynamic when it would definitely hurt him knowing we hid it later on.  I made the judgement call to tell him. I’m not good with secrets and hiding and dishonesty. But I was coming from a good place with both telling him and buying the knife as a gift.

I told my Dom as soon as he was accessible. I was open about what happened. I knew I had made a mistake. Or two. He was furious. Told me I had no right. I made choices that weren’t mine to make. That I was no sub to him. That I betrayed his trust in that I would do as I said by telling our mutual friend.  He released me. Said I was free to do whatever I chose with whoever I wanted to. I begged for another chance but he said no.

Fast forward to days later… he made it clear that he was punishing me with releasing me. He was annoyed that I didn’t figure out I was being punished and that he still expected me to act and talk like his sub.

I’m newish to the lifestyle. I asked him to help guide and teach me teach me how to be his sub. But he says he can’t teach me. That I should just know. I asked for a specific set of expectations or rules but he said I should just know.

I feel like he would be thrilled at the opportunity to help shape me in the lifestyle. Yet… he seems annoyed by my lack of knowledge and understanding.

I feel like a submission should never be treated so carelessly as to use releasing it as a punishment. That’s so damaging. A punishment can’t serve its purpose if it’s not understood that it’s a punishment and without a dynamic in place… it isn’t even enforceable. 

I also feel it’s completely inappropriate to send one’s submissive out to seek knowledge and guidance on their own. I’m sure my need for structure and learning is very appealing to many dominants. Real and fake.

I’m so confused. I don’t know what I’m doing. ?? Please help me put this in the correct perspective. 

 

 

 

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female)​{🍕+☕}Verified Account - Excuse me??? But is he expecting you to be able to read his mind?

Perspective? He is an asshole. Be GLAD he released you! Doesn't want acknowledge your dynamic? Why? I personally take deep issue when people hide that they know me, are friends with me, or are in a dynamic with me. I know some people prefer to hide there kink, that's different but to know you AT ALL??? I call bullshit! You shouldn't be treated as a secret.

Tell him that him that he needs to get his head out of his ass, treat you as a woman of worth and value and invest time in your education....better yet, tell him to go fuck a mule.
2 years ago
AdamDragon​(dom male)Verified Account - In My personal opinion :
Wow. Open your eyes and see the red dripping off this flag! Any “Dom” who uses a release for punishment is not a true and educated Dominant. Run like hell! And don’t look back, he’s not worth it. He knows nothing and is a picture of fake.
?
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - Were my actions deserving of punishment though? I was very open with my mistakes. I didn’t hide them or even attempt to. I’ve never lied to him or mislead him. I’m honest to a fault. He never saw any good in my intentions.
2 years ago
I'mME - Ohhhhhhhhh,sigghghhh.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - I know ?
2 years ago
AdamDragon​(dom male)Verified Account - Absolutely not! If he freaks about that, imagine a couple years of that. I would have welcomed the surprise and as far as speaking of your dynamic, I’d want the world to know you were collared. You were fine.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - I wasn’t collared. Not even close. We had just started the dynamic.
2 years ago
AdamDragon​(dom male)Verified Account - Understood. However I still don’t see how trust came into this… I don’t see the harm in anything that you’ve stated.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - He wasn’t the right “Dom” for me… and I use that term very loosely in this case. Had he been right for me, then he would’ve seen my intentions and not just what he viewed as my misstep.
2 years ago
AdamDragon​(dom male)Verified Account - Exactly!! That was no misstep, I feel you did fine.
2 years ago
I'mME - Uhhh there were some other things that should be in that column .
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - Please share them… I need my eyes fully opened. ??
2 years ago
B L O N D I E​(sub female) - Scream and run. Hiding a relationship is red flag #1. Dumping you and calling it a punishment is red flag #2. Blaming you for having friends to talk to? No. Get out now and don't look back.
2 years ago
GiannaRay​(sub female) - So many red flags here….why keep the dynamic a secret? And why get so furious when it’s made known? Keeping it a secret is a huge red flag to me. I can maybe understand not “advertising” your dynamic while it’s still new, but to me that’s different then keeping it a “secret”.
And I agree, unless you’ve got a crystal ball, no one just knows what someone else is thinking/wants/needs etc. and add onto that that you’re new to the lifestyle in general. So if he wants a sub that doesn’t need to be trained, then it is not your fault that he chose to take on a sub that is admittedly newer. Doms have responsibilities also. Besides, even an “experienced” sub would have to learn him, sort of speak, because not every Dom is the same. Just like not every sub is the same. And as for releasing you as a punishment and then reneging on it? There’s just all sorts of confusion there! My head was spinning just reading this! And I agree, he did you a HUGE favor by releasing you. He has already shown that he’s unable to or doesn’t want a dynamic fostered through communication. So IMO……..RUN! And be thankful he showed this side of himself sooner than later. Hugs to you.
2 years ago
PurĕVerified Account - *points up *
what all above said !

Why hiding a Dynamic ? RedFlag !
Releasing a sub as punishment ? How Cruel and disgusting.

Run Girl! Don't even think once You did something wrong.

Feel hugged
and happy BunnyDay ?
2 years ago
Master Rob - I totally agree with many of these statements that others have made to you. Your so called DOM is not doing anything for you. I believe the first obligation for a DOM is to protect and guide his submissive. Where is his protection and guidance. Each dynamic is different and should be negotiated by both parties, to both of their satisfactions. I did not see any negotiation, protection, and guidance in your explanation. Further any one who releases you immediately after an unintentional miscue and then comes back and says, no, i am using it as punishment is just playing with your emotions and feelings, which is part of a fake dom’s behavior. Say good bye to this fella, thank your lucky stars that it was early in the relationship and find your self a true Dom who will encourage you, protect you and guide you in this exciting endeavor. Hold your head up high, really high , and be proud of who you are.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - Easier said than done. My brain agrees with you in totality… but my heart is dumb. I’m having trouble resisting his pull. I’m scared he’s gonna lasso me back in, and I’ll be stuck.
2 years ago
PurĕVerified Account - sweet Girl,
be strong. You deserve better.
And everything is always easier said than done.

You got this,
and You got Us here behind You
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - He specifically told me to seek out a collared sub to help me. To not talk to Doms. ??
2 years ago
PurĕVerified Account - He sounds like, I would want to meet him. he's a total sweetheart hm? *sarcasm off
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - ?? I appreciate that y’all have me. I know I’m not safe navigating this lifestyle on my own. I keep finding fakes. Or they find me. So I need someone guiding me properly.
2 years ago
I'mME - "HE will lasso you back in"
Why would that be? Because he treated you so well?
He is so dreamy? That YOU would let someone treat you like you like you are disposable ?

You have free will, said you two weren't together that long. You have to take some self-responsibility .
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - He was dreamt and treated me well until I offered my submission. Then it all changed. Oh I agree that I have some responsibility in this. I’m just not great at standing up for myself.
2 years ago
PurĕVerified Account - the fakes are everywhere. sadly. im a magnet for them too. not sure why. :(
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - I don’t know what I’m doing that draws them out. I’d like to kill that part of me off. But I’m not sure I’m even capable or recognizing a real Dom now. ?
2 years ago
I'mME - I don't care who does or doesn't like this .
This guy is not a Dominant at all. He would not have had to release ME.
He is hiding something and it got fucked up jand that is what they were upset over.
You are not a dirty secret in the closet. ..

I'm sorry this happened. Please look at a list of potential red flags, now you can do your own research, and please don't be in such a hurry. How long did y'all spend chatting before ?

2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - Two months.
2 years ago
I'mME - Okay, and there was never a time where you said to yourself, well that didn't feel right?
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - Not until after I submitted. He changed after I did. Like Jekyll and Hyde.
2 years ago
I'mME - Aww hon. I'm sure the other ladies here can give you some better advice along those lines than I can.

I'm just blunt and cussing a lot today. Lol, nobody wants to hear all that, even though everything I would say would be DA TRUTH. So e would be towards you also, bc it sucks to be used.

?
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - Blunt I can handle. I don’t filter. I don’t like sugar coated. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to not be used in an unhealthy way. So many wants and I’m just having trouble getting there.

I appreciate you and your words. ??
2 years ago
PurĕVerified Account - I hope he's a user here and reads all those replies here...
maybe he learns his lesson.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - He’s not on here. It’s why I felt safe to post a blog here without him yelling at me.
2 years ago
I'mME - Nope.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - He won’t. He views me at fault for all of it. Nothing could be him. Something I see now… not then.
2 years ago
B L O N D I E​(sub female) - Yelling is another red flag, even if he did it in a normal tone of voice. If he wasn't 100% supportive of helping you through dealing with your mistake (which this wasn't) then that's not acceptable dominant behavior. The best dominants will consider any mistake you make to be their mistake. It's a sign that they didn't communicate their instructions clearly enough. A sub should not be punished unless they knowingly broke a rule they knew was a rule and they broke it anyway. If there was any confusion at all, then the fault lies with the dominant for not being clear enough beforehand. Even blatant transgressions should be dealt with in a loving, supportive way. Ask any of the dominants involved in this discussion. They'll tell you the same thing.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - That’s on me. Because I’m new and I’ve only been around fakes it seemed. I did research but let them influence me regardless. I hold blame in this as well. Now I’ve gotten myself in a position where I’m more invested than I want to be. I’m trying to break free but he still has a hold on some dumb part of me. This blog was me reaching out to hear what I kinda knee deep down.

Honestly… part of me expected some Doms to tell me I deserved punishment. But no one did. Surprisingly.
2 years ago
Master Rob - Ok, i was not going to comment, but ur last comment did it for me. I dont agree, with you. You don’t deserve punishment, for not noticing the red flags, for not saying no, or whatever reasons you give to your self. Nope, i do not agree. Dont punish ur self for being new, and not noticing. People see or hear what ever they want to. Learn from this and move forward. And dont allow him to get into your head. If you do, then he “wins”. And thats just not right. Make yourself happy.
2 years ago
B L O N D I E​(sub female) - I was on the fence about saying this as well, but I agree with Master Rob. You shouldn't blame yourself for not knowing. You couldn't possibly know. It's up to him to teach you, train you, and help you gain that experience. I would also add that you shouldn't allow your feelings for him to sway your decision to leave. He's deliberately manipulated you and those feelings of loyalty and hoping that it will work out are working against your best interest.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - This… ?!!!

I need honest and real. Be it brutal or not. Be supportive in my journey, but help me keep myself and my sights straight.

He’s already in my head. He’s been there. I’m trying to kick him out so he doesn’t have residence there anymore. He senses this and doesn’t want to let me go. If I’m being honest… a small part of me likes that feeling, but that part is getting smaller and smaller.

I’m finding strength in you all. Every comment. Be it easy to read or not.

So don’t filter or hold back. Don’t think I only need consoled. I need the help to fight him and myself. To walk away from this stronger… better… smarter.
2 years ago
Master Rob - I totally agree with Blondie, and wonder if this is gas lighting
2 years ago
B L O N D I E​(sub female) - Totally agree. All that come-here-go-away-come-here-go-away bullshit is pure gaslighting.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - I don’t even know what that is. He is so hot and cold it’s maddening.

But… I started making myself not message him as soon as I woke up and saying good morning. Call on my way to and from work. Give him my good nights.

The moment I started pulling back… he started trying to pull me back in. So I’m sure you both know much more than I do.
2 years ago
B L O N D I E​(sub female) - It's a narcissistic behavior where the person makes you question your sanity by twisting your perception of reality. Do some research on narcissistic abuse.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - Googling it now. Thank you. ??
2 years ago
B L O N D I E​(sub female) - I think it's time for you to cut him off cold turkey. Go no contact. This whole interaction is bad for you.
2 years ago
SirsBabyDoll​(sub female)​{🍕+☕}Verified Account - Having experienced it, I would say it is. Yes.
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - Definitely what he’s been doing.
2 years ago
TigerBDSM​(dom male)​{looking} - Comment deleted by poster.
2 years ago
TheAnt​(dom male) - Comment deleted by poster.
2 years ago
TheAnt​(dom male) - GoodGirlsAlwaysWin,
I just read your blog and two things jump out at me:
1. You were attempting to pay for a knife that your former Dom ripped someone off due to the fact he got the knife and then did not pay for it.
2. He released you because of this "as punishment."
Ok... so the guy is dishonest and thus untrustworthy and because you exposed this aspect of him he released you...my goodness, the guy sucks!
He sounds like a con artist from his reaction to being exposed which embarrassed him. He was no Dom. He is an asshat.
Once you find a real Dom, you will truly see a difference.
1. True Doms don't hide away subs, we are proud of them and proud that they gave us a chance to be their Doms.
2. A true Dom is honest and is someone you can trust with all your heart.
3. A true Dom knows the purpose of a collar and cherishes it.
This guy is an excellent example of a fake wannabe Dom.
-The Ant
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - He didn’t rip him off. The knife wasn’t even ready yet. I just had the idea to pay for it as a gift. Not that I thought he wouldn’t. He said it wasn’t my choice to make.
2 years ago
TheAnt​(dom male) - GGAW, Thank you for the clarification on the knife, HOWEVER, the fact you chose to do a nice thing for your Dom that irritated him to the point of punishing you with a release from your collar, is a huge red flag that should indicate he is an instadom. A release from a collar is permanent. He should no longer be chatting with you in any fashion that is Dom/sub related. The release is not a punishment to teach you a lesson OTHER THAN the fact that you two did not have a healthy dynamic.
Any advice set aside, your choice to continue to desire his positive affirmations is not uncommon. You committed to the dynamic, he did not... likely because his level of knowledge on being a Dom may have come from reading BDSM erotica, BDSM porn or some other less than realistic form of how to be a Dom.
-The Ant (?)
2 years ago
goodgirlsalwayswin​(sub female) - I agree wholeheartedly. I was invested. He was not. A hard to digest truth but one I’ll gladly stomach because it saved me from so much damage down the road.
2 years ago

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