So I was recently in a dynamic. However the Dom didn’t want anyone knowing about us. Including a mutual friend who has a history of mental health issues. I agreed to not tell anyone.
This mutual friend sells knives and had made it known he had been put on short term disability. He was saying how his knives make great gifts. My Dom had ordered one from him but not paid as of yet. So I had the dumb idea to buy the knife for him. I messaged our mutual friend offering to pay for the knife. I didn’t even think about this putting myself in a bad position of getting questioned as to why I wanted to. I didn’t want to hurt our friend by omitting or neglecting to tell him about our dynamic when it would definitely hurt him knowing we hid it later on. I made the judgement call to tell him. I’m not good with secrets and hiding and dishonesty. But I was coming from a good place with both telling him and buying the knife as a gift.
I told my Dom as soon as he was accessible. I was open about what happened. I knew I had made a mistake. Or two. He was furious. Told me I had no right. I made choices that weren’t mine to make. That I was no sub to him. That I betrayed his trust in that I would do as I said by telling our mutual friend. He released me. Said I was free to do whatever I chose with whoever I wanted to. I begged for another chance but he said no.
Fast forward to days later… he made it clear that he was punishing me with releasing me. He was annoyed that I didn’t figure out I was being punished and that he still expected me to act and talk like his sub.
I’m newish to the lifestyle. I asked him to help guide and teach me teach me how to be his sub. But he says he can’t teach me. That I should just know. I asked for a specific set of expectations or rules but he said I should just know.
I feel like he would be thrilled at the opportunity to help shape me in the lifestyle. Yet… he seems annoyed by my lack of knowledge and understanding.
I feel like a submission should never be treated so carelessly as to use releasing it as a punishment. That’s so damaging. A punishment can’t serve its purpose if it’s not understood that it’s a punishment and without a dynamic in place… it isn’t even enforceable.
I also feel it’s completely inappropriate to send one’s submissive out to seek knowledge and guidance on their own. I’m sure my need for structure and learning is very appealing to many dominants. Real and fake.
I’m so confused. I don’t know what I’m doing. 😩😭 Please help me put this in the correct perspective.
