stephen

My Confidant, at least that is what I call her.

I have been chatting with  this person on line here for a while now 2 or 3 months, she lives in Belgium me in fl. Crazy don't you think. ?, now I know what you think. ,, ,, right  , cuckoo,, 

You see I am basically a sub, bottom, and she is too, it'not sexual for her, but it is for me in a different way for me,

Just a thought I'm getting a message from her or messaging her excites me so much like nothing I have experienced before. It is the intimacy that I feel with her  that I have never felt anything like this in my life. I have told her stuff but I have never told anyone, strange part about it is I want to tell her, I feel a compulsion to tell her, a need to.

Now I have never seen a picture of her before, I know how old she is much younger than me, I have read short storys she has written,and put on  wattpad. so she is real, right ? at least I think so. Lol,, I share so much more then she does ,which I don't mind, actually I feel guilty about,  she says it ok share what you feel,  so I do.

I try to get her to share more but she's somewhat reserved, which makes it all more  exciting , maybe as time goes on she will.

What I feel with her somebody who I've never seen  A picture of before or really know her and her real life, A intimacy that I have never felt before, it is scary and exciting, thrilling, I feels like the moment you get on a roller coaster, except consistent excitement that doesn't stop. Actually as I write and think about her I am full mast ,, even knowing that she does not feel the same way about, she has a daddy that she belongs to. which is fine by me.shes happy so i am happy

So I am going to ride this roller coaster have fun feel good and connected.

Thanks to my confident.

Well it has been some time since I have shared here,or written here as such.

As I make my way thru my journey with this thing or lifestyle ,connection with feelings that I have had for a l o n g time, decades in the acceptance of what I feel , and what I want.

Yes I am a newbie to the lifestyle and yes I need to learn alot..I have been attending Munch's, and meeting new people, I was told to this ,So that is what I am doing.,as newbies should do. so that being said.

I should be patient.  Period. Though in the mad  rush to rush into this , it became a obsession to fit in and join , of course it was hit with rejection , no answers, and looks like that I was crazy.

A little bit about me, I am a 58 year old, white bisexual, masochist. There are the majority of the internet filled with men like me. And somehow I think I'm special. Well I am just an average Joe in the boat.

Also I am sober member about Alcoholic Anonymous. 5 years, and my connection with God as I call him and my recovery are the two most important things in my life. You want to talk about slipping through the cracks in this yes.

In the last few months I recognize the obsession that I was doing with this lifestyle, thankfully I recognized it. I know if I keep doing what is right oh, that I will be placed where I should be. Not where I want to be. Not when I want to be, and not with who I want.

A good internet friend chat person told me not to settle for less period sounds like good advice   have a good night.

As I sit in my big bubble bath at home, I think it's okay.

Well here I go again, just some ramblings and thoughts and feelings maybe some advice too because God knows I need it.

Me being new to the this lifestyle, inpatient and wanting everything to happen right away, even though I know patience and time are required to start something as a total lifestyle change, or  is just the kink I want?I know for sure that I definitely Want the kink,:) ,Who doesn't.

But I know by rushing into something that it may  not turn out so good, it could be dangerous as well. Or it could turn out to be something wonderful just what I needed. I am not sure, I know that A good rule in life is to air on the side of caution.I think. lol 

It is just all confusing because I am impatient oh, and what what I want when I want it. I am a middle-aged man oh, so the offer to engage are not really forthcoming. And I understand.

This brings me to another thing, in my rush and inpatients  to embrace all of this, I was told to go to Munch's , which I have been going to some more. The first one I was scared to death and couldn't go in. The second one I was still scared but I went in and enjoyed myself immensely.

I signed up for a group, lifestyle explorers, which is swingers club, from my understanding, what got my attention was they had a event listed, A BDSM event  invite only. There are going to be very few people there. 3 couples and 5 single men, I do not know any of these people, and I'm anxious and nervous about going,  NOT TO MENTION the fear of rejection,but on the other hand , it could be a lot of fun.

My first impression and thought is ,if it doesn't feel good in your gut   dont do it., or if you have to think about   don't.

Anyways it is in  few days and I will pray on it to my higher power and go from there. I will definitely write about the outcome on my next blog.

Once again the  blog that I have been riding helps me with my thoughts and will be in nice record for me to go back over down the road.

:)

My first munch.

I went to my first munch  the other day, what a roller coaster ride of anxiety/nervousness, please let me explain  some more.

This is coming from a newbie to the lifestyle of this . I think that I am a average male in to middle of the boat. Iam 58 years  average ho hight, weight , hair's a bit long for my age. you get it just a normal guy.

I was told by many to go to muches, to get to know people and to meet people.So that being said . I can take advice and instructions. and follow thru.

So Saturday night munch in st.pete fl., at a bar , outdoor patio was where we where to meet at.

For the whole week I was feeling anxious, nervous etc etc. I was going to by my self going there. I tried to find someone to go with me oh, but it's not like you asked someone at work to go, or in your Social Circle, since I am a newbie, I don't want to go around saying hey would you like to go to a munch a BDSM gathering . I guess you could say I'm in the closet LOL.

So Saturday Night Comes, I am more nervous than ever. I have texting  with my confidant, all week, the one person I can tell anything to,who is in the lifestyle,as well. She lives in Brussels, so I couldn't ask her to go. Unfortunately she did not have much experience with it so told me to make the best of it, she said dress nice and be yourself oh, very good advice. It still did not take away the nervousness and anxiety.

So  Saturday night I drive  down there and check it only driving by just to look so after Two  times around the block   I say to myself Park the car  and go in. So I walk up and, fear takes over , fear of social rejection, what if they don't like? What if they think I'm weird? What if they don't like the way I I'm dressed? What if they don't like what I have to say? What if we don't have anything in common to make small talk about? Excetera excetera excetera..

I chock and go the bar and order some food. even know I'm not hungry. So I sit there and eat my food , then leave feeling sad and disappointed in myself.

So the next day I text my Confidant and Tell her what a failure I was. She said that's okay oh, she says how about if I order you to go would that be easier? I said yes thank you it would be easier, because then I can say that I was ordered to go  to a munch, 

This is where I feel happy ,the happy, content feeling of  having someone tell me to do something that is good for me, and listening to them even if I don't want to do it.

So the next day on Sunday there happen to be another munch of sorts, it meets every two weeks and it's called Sunday fundays,

So I tell her I am following her instructions and going. It took away some of the nervousness and anxiety, it felt good because I was following instructions. That feels good 

I feel I have a intimate connection with this woman even though we never met, and it feels good to follow her instructions

So I show up at the bar oh, it happened to be one of the organizers birthday as well. I had text the organisers earlier I told them that I was feeling anxious and nervous ,they said just  ask for us and we will show you around. They said get there at 2 before it gets too crowded, so once again I did as I was instructed.

I get there and there is about 10 or 15 people  whov knew each other. they introduce me quickly, There were a bunch of games and pinball at the bar, so someone suggested we play a game so about six or seven of us started playing some dice game , it was  avgood fun way to break the ice. I ended up meeting a bunch of great people and after a little while felt comfortable in my skin there. Later there were some new people that came in ,I could tell because I was just like them a hour ago. I went over and introduced myself. And welcome them just as  the other people have done for me, after a few hours of hanging out laughing and having fun, I went over and said goodbye to a bunch of people especially the organizers oh, they said thanks for coming oh, and did you have fun. I replied yes It  was the best I afternoon I had in a long time. And and it was the best afternoon I've had in a long time.

All my fears and  expectations  had been replaced with good  feelings and comfortability.

I Can not wait for the next one

So please bear with me on this blog oh, I'm a newbie going through mental gymnastics, every one who is new most likely have gone thru it, I mean I am just your middle age bisexual white guy. Average , sub  bottom, in the middle of the boat. So if I am doing this I imagine other people are doing  it too. And everyone was new at at some point.

So I have written about patience, Action among other things. Now is the time to put them into action.

I have signed up for munch, this is what everyone says you do to learn and grow and meet new people , my issue is being that I'm a old man, though very having a young mind ,

So I have this big fear of being  rejection.May be  I have  a low  self-esteem, but rejection is the biggest thing. I have tried to get people on line to go with me but to no avail.

I am really going there to meet people, become friends, then after Friendship and

God will put some one in my life  not when I'm being a big baby, impatient and self-centered. But when I am ready.

But I am still scared as poop, luckily it is outside on a patio at a bar St Petersburg Florida. So I will walk up there on my own a charming and outgoing  and be Myself for better or worse.

I am sure I am going to blog about it

 I found some one online  this site to chat/text with these last few days.A very nice woman  I don't her name  excep  what   her screen name is.I asked her what I should call her she said what every you want. I liked that.

We have shared  some  fantasy inter action  chats , I shared thing that I would not tell any one even my self. it was intense and exciting and freeing , I actually believed I only had those kinds  of   thoughts. I hope to  do it again.

My point is that with out this medium  I would have continued on thinking I was alone or abnormal.  My hopes is to meet some one in real time to do that with  some one to trun those over to and except me and embrace me.

 I have taken some action and found out where there is munch  ,so I can put myself  out there and meet some friends in real  time.

action and patience  

Well here I am again the Newbie, just writing because it's good to express some of this out loud. I have been searching 4 people on the web for friendship. Of course being a newbie I want everything all at once. I want a domme I want a domme right now.. well life experience has taught me that never happens. Things that I want right away now are not what I need. I need time to feel myself out and talk with other people about how I'm feeling and what they have gone through. Patience.

Let's face it I'm no catch a 58 year old bi male and a newbie , people like myself come& Go off these sites , I mean newbies as a general rule. Patience, patience.

I need to get off my butt and take some action, go out to clubs where are the lifestyle Hangout. Not looking  for domme,but to make friends to interact as friends. And then and only then will meet someone who can bound with me. Patience patience patience

Newbies are not very good at that I know I am one. I am just going to turn it over to my higher power and pray for it, don't laugh it works, I will find someone when I'm supposed to not when I want to, patience patience

At least that has been my experience in life.A leason  that i have learned  much later in my life.

I was chatting on line yesterday with a woman about the lifestyle. And I found my self telling a complet stranger intimate things about my life.Things that I have  not told  any one including myself or realizing my self .

One time I was fighting with a ex and she was yelling and spitting in my face and I felt sexual aroused I mean a complet hard on..though I was to offended and angry to put two and two together.

This was a realization that know I had not shared with anyone . Now I know it is okay to have those feelings.

 Well it is the journey and not the destination that is the joy.

Well I chatted with someone online for your messenger for a while. It felt good to speak with someone even though it was through messaging, not quite sure I'm the protocol or how you go about getting online domme.

I guess time will tell anyways it feels good just to talk about it.

Well here I go, I am new to this and older in  age 

Just just looking around for Dom female to take us thru thing hoping real time local but may have start on-line

No great insights, just the way 2 start this off. I figure Why not start a blog and Chronicle my Journeys