the grassy knoll

from myself mostly 

I tend to be too intense for my own good 

fully devote to whatever flight of fancy I have latched onto for the day

week

month

next decade of my life 

all the ideas and turmoil of feelings 

I tend to keep things out in the open

in an attempt to depersonalize the most intimate parts of my life 

so that the fear of experience does not overwhelm 

and terrify me 

I miss the connection

Shared obsession

Even in the midst of the emotional upheaval

I need and will take space 

I have matured past the 

all or nothing adoration of fools 

into a space where I am able to take material responsibility in the 

midst of passion.

The denial is sweet. 

Denying him is sweeter. 

You do not need to choose within yourself to be one way or another. 

You are multitudes. Malleable, fluid and changing constantly with each passing mod or moment. We all are and to deny we are is to deny our inherent humanity. Which many do. 

You do not. Self awareness comes at a great cost to our sanity and the cost is greater and greater as society strays farther from "god" or whatever you want to call it. Other people do not see. They do not understand. There is no depth to who they are because there has never been a reason for there to be. 

Feeling weakness within yourself does not make you weak. It makes you aware of your own facets. Even if you don't understand them or what you may be trying to subconsciously communicate to yourself. You're aware of it happening that in and of itself is strength. To look within and see someone you don't recognize is terrifying! It's fair to be in turmoil over it. 

I don't think you will ever understand.

Even if all my plans hold true 

and we end up

as a me and you

There such a force within you 

that drives me quite insane

Sure, you make my stomach churn

with the various things you say

causing me anxiety

scared of chasing you away 

Diving head first 

in my pillow

I pretend I don't care 

But in reality 

I want someone to show me 

That I'm worth the despair

Spreading anxieties 

Talking way too much 

Never knowing how I sound 

Or when to shut the fuck up 

I see myself from a distance 

Far too aware of how I am 

Dissociating from myself 

Is the only way I can 

Make it through the morning 

afternoon

and night 

without silencing myself completely 

after being such a fright.  

I have no idea how I feel but I feel that it is building up within me at an increasing rate. Distracting me from the rest of my life and what I need to be focusing on.

Everywhere I look, I feel there is nothing for me here. A few meager connections. Simply not being alone. But nothing that whispers of permanence or significance lasts. Nothing gold can stay, as they say. I want to love people, friends or lovers or both and all in-between, with much more conviction than people are generally comfortable with without a life long connection. I don't care I don't care, I want to jump in feet first and start running as far as I can into the depth of their hearts. Push aside insecurities and fears of failure to see who they crave becoming. Embracing and nurturing our inner children and running wild and free through love. Not haltingly as though we may trip or break a brittle bone. 

I know I am capable of forming an immediate and passionate connection with someone but I don't know that I am prepared to take that ride. I want to be. I feel in my heart the overwhelming sense of the few who have garnered this reaction from it. Their essences etched into the fabric of my reality permanently. Constantly conscious of where they may be and how they may be faring. It's more exhausting to have no one and wonder if there is anything meaningful left throughout humanity at all. The empty spaces that most provide in place of human interaction is stale. 

My greatest desire is to be understood. 

fuck me...

stretched taunt and trembling 

nerves alert 

All of my thoughts go to you

Your hands on me 

Moving me as if it were an afterthought 

Grip wide and sure across my hips

My back

My tits 

My ass 

The marks you leave are a sweet reminder 

Of the strength of your desire 

Swallow me whole 

Wriggling and alive 

Like the little worm I am 

Groveling at your feet and begging for release 

Remembering myself 

Occasionally 

I stand straighter and taller and 

Scream my power to the wind 

Announcing my needs 

Volaclizing over the crowd and calling 

Out only to you 

Who satisfies 

And destroys

Held like a doll 

Limp and powerless against the force of your presence 

And the size of your lust 

I give myself completely to what you bring to the table 

And am devoured. 

Lay me down and waste me away

Melted beneath the pure lust of your skin

Velvet

Underground

Burrowing like the little piggie I am

Nestled up

In your sweetest spot

Sacral

Sacred

A fulfillment in the core of your being

Right between the heart

And cock

Eagerly awaiting my turn at your altar

Alluring power

Of your magnetic spirit

Has caught me fully

Choked on my own ambitions

And who I thought I could

Muster

For my own selfish

Toxic treaties with myself

The next step

Has an equal opportunity to leave tumbling through space

Deep dark space

Fully enveloped within the endless emptiness

Some how there is comfort in the plush void

Denial can be a sweet respite from the endless banality of instant gratification

But I am exhausted operating under

My own battery power

Grips grasp and fingers

Sweet sweat and fluids flowing through me

Everywhere on and around me

Swirling in pleasure and lost

Not just in lust and desire   

But a promise of love

Electric shock through fingertips

Skin aflame with

Unspoken promise of

Mating for life

Remaining flightless mighty birds

All I can think of

Is yours hands all over me, finding every curve and soft spot that hasn’t been touched in years. I want to feel you tremble beneath me with desire, shaking and lustful for the promise of a long deep wet fuck. And denying you.  As much as I want it too, denying you the pleasure that seems so sure would be too sweet to pass up.

Allowing all other pleasure and denying ourselves the act itself. Could be fun for once.  The gentle caresses and soft whispers of what may soon come.

A distraction like none I have experienced before; I am concerned that you have poisoned me. Maybe I poisoned myself. One last poor judgement call.

Every word from you sends a flame across my system, skin alight and flush. Sex slicked and dripping from the promise of proximity. Simple attention.

You are still withholding and my fear tells me that it can’t be withholding if there is nothing there.  It has been a decade since the desire to draw someone into myself has prevailed so ardently.

I can tell you now that I could spend my life exploring you. Open and fluid and tangible I want to memorize every inch of you. I have already lost all desire for anyone but you and it’s driving me absolutely insane..it’s irrational and and childish. Lacking in emotional maturity, really. But I don’t think that I care as long as we can be mutually insane.  I need to hear that you want me. What you think of when I cross your mind. You are holding back. Teasing me. Being careful. Taking your time,  or again. Maybe nothing is there.   Or less than I hope. Too little to matter.

All I can think of is what if you don’t feel the same way. How fucking foolish I am to think that there is a chance.  Hanging my hope on another beautiful boy who somehow has taken ahold of my heart strings. I didn’t think that it would be so easy this time. The sweet song of commitment and devotion is apparently all I need to hear before my hips quiver and I simply melt in the hands of an unsuspecting soul. The exclusivity never mattered to me before I realized that you were everything I could have wished. Perfect in every flawed and derelict way I could hope. Maybe Irish boys are born with eternal youth and the devils mischief.

I would marry you, illegally and recklessly. As soon as I could. I want to be yours and only yours, purely naked and unashamed of the pure obsession and worship of love. The wife you desire.

All I can think of is how impatient I am. Maybe you could be the one who is finally patient enough for me. Who lies in wait of better timing. Brighter days. Shines through the darkness and fills my plate with the ecstasy I crave. Burning desire to consume all that you are settles like a coal in my belly. I should have passed you by and left you to a more peaceful life I would never touch.

All I can think of is that I am a silly little fool.

everything has always felt like an elaborate trap 

growing up, the only examples were narcissism and manipulation

it does often feel as though I am teetering 

on the verge of collapse

should I have known from the start that all my choices were damned? 
that the curse is carried within my heart

not my actions 

no matter what I say 

how I feel 

or what I do 

the safety of singularity 

soothing my frayed feelings

and exposed nerves

is all that I can muster

there will never a part of me 

that he has never touched 

7 years

14

21

it is impossible to scrub each molecule 

free of flame 

bound 

and bonded 

the love we share 

has shifted

into a placid state 

of comfort

safety 

understanding 

of our mutual fate 

at the whim and whimsy 

of some little sprite