Having a really rough time of it the last few days. Trying to set myself straight.
My therapist asked me if I notice that I start putting space between my heart and partners too soon, so I can hurt a little less when the split actually happens? What I’ve had to do throughout my life to stay sane. Once I see they no longer notice me, or what I have given up for them. When they are disgusted and will not accept every part of me just the favorable parts. When I have worked my hardest, but it’s obvious they will eventually leave once I’m no longer of use.
Life is hard, no one can deny that.
Trying to be fair in a world that’s overwhelmingly not fair. Trying to build people up as they tear you down. Trying to build yourself up while you are constantly breaking yourself down. Telling yourself that you are enough for the right person, but you stop believing at times because you only see and hear actions of the people around you who re-enforce that negative emotion. Is it no wonder the darkness wins time and again?
Being alone in the world when you just want to fit somewhere, to be that puzzle piece that fits perfectly with someone let alone within your own skin. Trying to be optimistic in a world that is constantly drowning you with pessimism and negativity. How does your psyche combat the loneliness that you feel even when you have people all around you?
I don’t know…
How do you stave off depression when you’re lost, without a map, and there’s no one to guide you back? You have been here before, and you’ve gotten back time and time again. The climb out of that deep crag almost mind numbingly shreds and scars you with each step up. How is it that your mind blanks every time you fall into that abyss again? Why can’t you remember those damn footholds so you can rise up quicker and easier than before?
I don’t know…
I’ve learned that being hurt repeatedly gets old real fast. How do you get someone to love you in spite of your past? How do you get someone to love you, even if you grow into a slightly new person in the future? How do you get someone to accept you as you are in the present? Maybe it’s when you love yourself, but what happens when you have doubts about yourself?
I don’t know…
While I look up at my ceiling, thoughts wriggle in and out of my brain and my heart is heavy. I’m thankful for the good things in my life. While I wasn’t at the time, I am thankful of the lessons that I learned through abuse of one kind or another. I try really hard to look at things and people in a positive light.
The sun rises each day just as your pain will ebb eventually. I’ve learned as a people pleaser, and an empathic chameleon, not all people are going to like or accept me no matter how many times I say yes to their needed favors. Not all people will appreciate me knowing how they feel before they’re ready to admit how they feel to themselves. Not all people will appreciate me for just being the sweet, silly, OCD, emotional overflowing bucket of me. I want to be cared for and loved just because I am who I am, taboo interests and all. When I show loyalty, I want loyalty in return. When I show trust, love, and honesty, is it too much to ask in return?
