lambsone's thoughts

In 2018 I found a poem on Memorial Day by Longfellow. It inspired me to write one of my own. Below is the Longfellow poem and mine follows it. I've included the words in case they aren't clear due to the background.

Memorial Day Remembrance

by Melanie T. Campbell 2018

Ye who sleep beneath the sod,

Whose footsteps on the Earth did trod,

Whose arms held loved ones close and dear,

And never had known a day of fear.

You took up arms to end the strife,

And ran towards the fray in risk of your life,

Courage was lacking but duty called,

You answered in order to give your all.

And give you did on that fateful day,

You danced in the theater as if in a play,

Around you death reigned, but you pressed on,

Dodging stubborn bullets and pesky bombs.

You saw your comrades fall at your side,

But there was no time to mourn the passing tide,

Onward you pressed, a deadly job to perform,

And so you advanced far into the storm.

And then in a moment, with a burst of sound,

Your body lay prostrate on the hard ground,

Nothing was left but to end your rounds,

For you were the comrade that had gone down.

Never again will you walk through death's door,

For your mission has ended, you helped even the score,

Against those who seek to tear, shred, and core,

Anyone they encounter and refuse to adore.

Rest peacefully Dear Soldier,

For your duty has won,

Freedom for all who are grateful,

For your job well done.

Recently I was asked to help someone understand what Christian BDSM means. These are some of the thoughts that I shared from my own perspective. It is by no means conclusive. It is meant to be a chunk of the whole to help the person begin to get a grip on the Christian BDSM lifestyle played out in real life.

_____________

I am a submissive so I can only come from that viewpoint. I have no Dominant tendencies in a D/s relationship, though in real life I can be a dominant figure when necessary. Just not in a relationship between a man and a woman. It is not a comfortable role for me to play.

Typically the traditional Christian view is that the man is the head of the household and makes final decisions on all things of major importance. This follows through in D/s as well. The wife is typically a support person to her husband and the rest of the family. She surrenders to his leadership in order for the relationship to stay on an even qeel.

Both make daily decisions based on their individual roles and when something concerns both, then they talk about it and view the possible solutions. Make any changes necessary. Ideally they should touch base at least once a week to evaluate how things are going. If TPE is involved, this would happen more frequently of course.

Their relationship is supposed to be a mirror to society of the relationship that God has within the Trinity. If reflecting properly, this should attract people to God and stimulate a desire in them to know God personally for themselves. This structure is in Ephesians 5 of the Bible.

I cannot speak to male sub and femme domme roles in the home, except to say that this would most likely occur in the bedroom. I have no other reference point than that. And I dare not speak on something that I don't understand.

The relationship in Christian BDSM between two individuals is based on the fact that each one knows God personally. They have accepted the sacrifice that Jesus Christ paid for sin on the cross and have asked Him to apply His sacrifice to their sin. Once that is done, they become born a second time in the Spirit and made alive to God, becoming His forever children. This is something God does inside of them. They have a home in heaven due to what Christ did. Anyone can accept this gift from God. Whoever asks Him for it. He desires all people to come to Him.

The BDSM aspect is a proclivity that some folks have who are Born Again Christians. They crave a need to be Dominant or submissive in the relationship, either sexually or in everything regarding their relationship. You'll find examples of leadership and submission in the Bible, but not specifically bdsm.

Some people believe that Christ's sufferings are an example of bdsm. I do not. His sacrifice was unique and too important to relegate to such a trivial pursuit in comparison to the full implications of what He accomplished. To compare the two would be blasphemy in my opinion. His sufferings could not be experienced by anyone else for the same purpose as His was. His was perfect, holy, fully God and fully man. He brought man and God back together as one and healed the rift between us. The result was the free gift of heaven and becoming a legitimate child of God. No one else's suffering or sacrifice was accepted by God.

As a submissive, I see serving my Master in areas he wishes, in order to not only please him but also please my heavenly Master. We both would maintain our individual relationships with God but the fact that both of us would be Born Again, would give us a greater bond to each other and on the same track with each of us to know and do what pleases God.

Anyway just some thoughts.

Sometimes your body just craves to be restrained in tight, unyielding arms. Surrounded by a strong, solid body that will decide when you are free or not.

Sometimes your mind needs to have images and ideas placed in it that will not be of your own choosing but another's. 

Sometimes your ears need to hear the threats and promises that do not speak from your own mouth but the gruff and frightening sounds of deep lusts and cravings of another.

Sometimes you need to be forced down and splayed embarrassingly while being tied into position and someone heavily breathing at your back.

Sometimes you need to be forcibly opened and filled to capacity, numerous times at the will of another.

Sometimes you need to feel another's hands roaming anywhere they wish and doing anything they wish to you.

Sometimes you need to be told you are there for another's pleasure and not your own.

Sometimes you need to surrender wholeheartedly, unreservedly, in all ways, before you can be fulfilled.

Sorry, long post.

Last Friday I got some blood tests in prep for my oncology followup a week later. It turns out that the previous oncologist never ordered the tests. But other orders were in the system from another doctor, so blood was drawn for that one 3 months too early. I fiund all this out after the fact. 

Anyway, the oncologist went ahead and ordered blood work after my appointment, but he caught something that was strange on the test results that were already available. It turns out that our bodies have free light chains in them. At least two of these work together in the bone marrow. One was functioning normally but a second companion light chain was functioning at 3X less capacity than it should. So now I get to have a bone marrow biopsy and bone marrow aspiration next Friday. The biopsy is from the solid bone marrow and the aspiration is from the liquid in the marrow. Thank goodness this will be taken from the hip bone rather than the spine. It is outpatient and with a local anesthetic only. And I don't need anyone to accompany me.

When the oncologist got some of his own tests back, he called me this past Thursday night and told me to get to the ER right away. It turns out that my blood count was 5.7 when it should be above 7. I was critically anemic. 

After spending several hours in the ER with dumb things developing, I was sent home without a blood transfusion. Why? It turns out that that my blood type A Negative now has 3 minor antibodies in it that the hospital wasn't able to match. So the ER doctor had to consult with my doctors Felliow for a course of action. They found a right match at the American Red Cross but it wouldn't be available until around noon the next day. Rather than sleep in the ER, they sent me home.

I was supposed to followup with my doctor the next morning to get a transfusion scheduled. I called and, no one got back to me. So ... after 30 minutes I decided to sign in at registration and explain what I needed. They got in touch with infusion right away and I was sent up to that area. The nurse was very helpful and arranged the transfusion and the blood transfer to the facility. 

I spent from 9:15 am to 4:15 pm in a chair hooked up to an IV. The good news is that after receiving 2 units of blood I feel so much better. I can function now and even spent 3 hr 45 min in our community garden today. I could only clean out some decorative pots, plant new flowers and mulch. But it was worth it. I also sat down the entire time but I had no problem breathing. And our Master Gardener dropped and we had a good chat.

I hope the bone marrow test shows something, so that this blood loss mystery can be solved and I know what I am truly dealing with. I don't like living with the unknown.

I've been tossing something around in my brain lately regarding difficult relationships, that for a time, folks could be stuck in. 

Here's the idea:

1. Forget what you know of each other and your pasts. The past is gone and done.

2. Think of who they are today, as though you are meeting them for the first time.

3. Forget what you want or need for this day only.

4. For this day focus only on how you can make for them, the best day they've ever had or lived.

It's a tough challenge. None of these steps are to be ignored. You must do them all, and probably repeat them throughout the day as a reminder to yourself.

If you faulter, get back in the game right away, starting where you left off. There'll be quite a learning curve I'm sure. 

This challenge is not limited to whatever role you choose to play in the relationship.

At the end of the day, think about what happened, but do not judge yourself. Just give it your best shot, because none of us knows the right way to do this. 

On the morrow, rinse and repeat these steps if you so choose. 

Share what you did or discovered if you can, or want to. You never know what you can do until you get in the game and do it.

BTW, before you say anything about this idea, try it for a day. No excuses!!!! 

Get started if you have the courage.

Well here we go again. Last year at this time I got anemic and it took me until July to realize why I could hardly do anything. After a bunch of tests (very expensive ones), no reason for blood loss was found. Yay me. 

I did yardwork the other day and got out of breath a few times and had to rest, but got a lot done. My hope was to do that again today. No such luck. Everything I tried to do, even picking up sticks in the yard, just about killed me. Not a fun place to be.

I see my oncologist in a few weeks. But I doubt I'll make it to the appointment before I need a blood transfusion. Every muscle aches when I try to do something, and catching my breath is a laborious process.

I'll be getting a battery of blood tests next week so my oncologist has some data to work with on my next visit. Intravenous Iron has alteady been ordered in case my blood count is low and the Iron pills aren't enough. 

It's a bad time of year for this because I help man our community garden. Many times I'm the only one there and it's huge. Over 40 beds to water. I also have landscaping projects to finish up. We have over 2000 people in our neighborhood and it's like pulling teeth to get anyone to help. 

So, I'll give updates when I know something more.

I had to break in a new Gynocologist recently because my favorite one retired. I haven't seen one since 2019, but since I got interested in bdsm again last August, the possibility of the physical connection at some point, necessitated (spell?) that I make sure all was still functional.

So, she entered the exam room, sat down, then asked what she could do for me. I explained that I was starting to date again at just shy of 72 and wanted to be sure that nothing was wrong that would impede having sex.

She asked why I wanted to have sex, but the tone of her voice seemed to say "Good grief, why are you even contemplating sex at your age." I said because I want companionship and everything that goes along with it. That answer seemed to kind of mullify her for the moment.

Then she asked "Do you even have a libido?" By this time I want to scream "Lady are you here to help or make me feel like a societal cast off?" But I kept my thoughts to myself and answered, yes but not as strong as I used to.

I can still climb the pleasure mountain, but when I get to the top, instead if gleefully sliding down the trail of bliss, I seem to quietly fizzle out at the top. However I get enough pleasure from the climb, that I just accept the fizzle as the new orgasmic experience. LOL! 

I told her that I was having trouble getting a dildo in me. She said, doesn't it hurt? I said yes. So she explained that after menopause the vagina shrinks due to lack of blood flow and also because of lack of sex. I have never had much sex anyway in my life so I was naturally a prime candidate for pain.

I'm also a victim of scoliosis and my research revealed that many women with scoliosis experience discomfort during sex. Yeah me. Now I'm starting to question God and why He's done me dirty all my life. Anyway, I digress.

By the end of the appointment, I was just looking forward to getting out of there and back to my little fantasy world. She mentioned that I should use an oil based lube like olive oil or vegetable oil, instead of water based. So Lover's Lane, I guess you've been replaced by the grocery store supply chain.

In retrospect, I'm glad I don't have to see her for another year. She never cracked a smile and I've had to do some self talk to repair my ego as a legitimate woman since. But I will survive because that's what we women do.

The End.

It's good to periodically check to see how you are doing in the love area. Compare your way to love to the gold standard.