The Culture that has been here all the time

Hey My Good Friends,

What if I knocked on your door at five AM and wanted to visit with you? What would your reaction be?

Hello Friends,

When I awoke and sat at the edge of my bed, I realized immediately something was missing. I could not detect emotions within me.

I looked under the bed and in every upstairs room and closet. I went downstairs and looked in every room. I looked down in the basement. Nope, no emotions in the house. I went and looked inside my car. Nope, no emotions there either.

Fed the dogs and cat, and they seemed absent of their usual emotions, too. I took the dogs out for their morning walk.

The sky was emotionless, and the green grass and trees had no apparent feelings. It was then that I grew concerned about this.

I thought I must have died during the night and was unaware of it.

Of course, I had to ask for a great source of knowledge about this: Google.

People who have difficulty identifying or expressing emotions are known as alexithymics. The term comes from the Greek words a, meaning lack, lexis, meaning word, and thymos, meaning emotion. People with alexithymia may experience:

Difficulty with introspection
Confusion around bodily sensations connected to emotions
Difficulty communicating their emotions to others
Lack of the capacity to feel joy, sorrow, or love
Feeling detached from the emotions of others
A "conscious disconnect" that prevents emotions from breaking through into their mind ¹ 

 

 

 

1

Hello Friends,

Secrets do more harm than good.

"At first, a secret may feel like a form of protection, but ultimately the anxiety, fear, shame, regret and guilt take a toll on our body and mind. Secrets come in many forms such as trauma, unhealthy behavior or even negative beliefs about oneself.

Secrets Make You Sick - Caron Treatment Centers
Caron Treatment Centers
› Blog"

 

Screenplay plots capitalize on the complex issues between humans when secrets are discovered. For example, who the parent is, the actual circumstances of a breakup, lies, and misappropriations are found. Not truthful about education and jobs, too.*
 

*Recent example: George Santos

Revealing secrets can be a tricky business, too.

Hello Friends,

When I gaze into a mirror, I see a man living through one big mistake after another all his life. How did I make it this far? Some say someone was praying for me. Some say ignorant bliss. Some say blind luck.

No one says I knew what I was doing with this life of mine.

My academic success and my creative success are all accidental or an undeserved gift from the Universe. I claim nothing. And hell, I am not even nice to hang out with. Sure, I was a jolly alcoholic who could become menacing on a dime, but that mainly ended forty years ago and totally for about a decade now.

Most of my ideas about the future were nebulous, incomplete, and inconsistent. I could manage self-discipline, but it was a fragile truce with my demons.

Truth has it? I never really envision a future with any clarity: I stumble from the past through the present and wind up in an unplanned future.

I do interact with people and muster a smile and an odd sense of humor, but I feel most at home alone with my thoughts. My wife was my anchor, and I was her anchor. Now, we are both adrift, and her cognitive disorder ends my chance to have any happiness in the future (if I even get there).

Hello Friends,

I know I am living in a role like a play or movie. Each episode of my life has a new script, milieu, location, plot, and cast. I must learn the vocabulary of the lines, maybe an accent, and even adopt a persona. As the scenes roll past, characters interact, and settings change, I must do my best to keep the audience engaged and believe that the character I portray is a real person. In the final, just before Fine' I hear "exit stage right," and never am I sure I will reemerge on some stage left or in a new scene. Jim

Hello Friends,

I have been having numerous dreams at night lately. Some of them I remember all the details, while others are parts. A common thread has seemed to become evident in all or most of them:

In each, I am on a mission to rally people to combat some negative force represented by others in the opposing group(s): war, disaster, famine, or some situation where the odds for success are not good. I wake up with a sense of incompleteness and anxiety.

(I get on with my day, and my life moves along as usual with the primary concern of care for my wife). 

Hello Friends,

All the assumptions about who you should allow yourself to like will go "out the window" when suddenly you are face to face with someone who likes you and that you like. Relationships are not beauty contests, muscle contests, talent contests, or even compatibility contests. It is an incomplete science, and data can only scratch the surface. It is probably unexpected, like a bolt of lightning out of the blue. The feelings could creep in or flash "go" instantly. What have I learned from the kink community? The big one is one size of anything or one preference of anything that doesn't fit all.

Two partners make their own decisions and live the way they agree to live. There are no archetypes or stereotypes. Only people decide what is suitable for themselves and the rules they choose for themselves.

Yes, I am totally imperfect. I even tumbled in a wind storm at Tucumcari, N.M., like the weeds that dented my car hood there, and even caused friction like the sand that blasted my car finish when I was there. I often am solitary, even in a crowd. It is like I am sitting on top of Franklin Mountain overlooking the lights of El Paso on a cool night. Or at Twin Lights State Historic Site* in N. J. scanning the ocean horizon, Long Island Lights, or the Narrows bridge and the City beyond. There are so many people out there, but only one inside of me.

* There were very many days as a young man I went to think there, especially when I was swamped with blues and purples.

Some of you my friends most likely know this already:

"Cuckoos are brood parasites, which means that they do not actually raise their own eggs. Instead, they will sneak onto another bird's nest and lay an egg in that nest. Female cuckoos target the nests of specific bird species. In the UK, this is usually the reed warbler, the dunnock and the meadow pipit."

"Cuckold
Wikipedia
wiki › Cuckold
In biology, a cuckold is a male who unwittingly invests parental effort in juveniles who are not genetically his offspring. A husband who is aware of and ..."

Hello Friends,

When we make an assumption, we risk a lot. It is not wise to base our plans upon assumptions. The most significant assumption I have made at the age of 76 is I will not be able to find a soulmate on par with what my life has been with my fading spouse. That is logical, and I have been trained to be rational. Yet, I also have had extensive enlightenment with romantic idealism. My situation is a handicap concerning this ambition. It has been relegated to the furthest back burner in my mind.

I saw a Mourning Dove standing by its beloved mate lying on the street, and it made me extremely sad. Mourning Doves mate for life. I could not stop wondering if they ever seek and find another mate. That seems like a metaphor for some people, but it is unclear if it will apply to me when the time comes.

I want to assume out in the cosmos is a woman who will be as much in need of a soulmate as I and if we will ever meet. There are billions of people on Earth, and it seems this possibility surely must exist. Or am I making a futile assumption with this thought?

Yes, Friends,

My life is what it is, no one else's fault or blame. If I want to keep everyone at arm's length for my own reasons, that is okay. I will not fake it or pretend it is good. I have always accepted the consequences and honored my commitments. I have not always been a good boy, polite and keeping a smiley face. I can be complex, but not intentionally. It just happens that way.

So, I still care for my wife because that was a promise made on our wedding day. She can not be replaced, and I have acted like a fool to even think I could. It isn't right to seek someone to replace her while she is still living, and I won't have enough time to start a new life with another woman after she is gone.

What I have learned in this BDSM culture will probably help me in my next life if I get another life, that is.