Splashes of Sparkle

As i woke up this morning, my eyes barely open to the wonder of today, I realized something. I DO NOT do sexy very well....if at all. In fact, when i try to DO sexy, i can only picture something like a chimpanzee in a tutu dancing off beat and badly to rap music while singing a lullaby. Good times 🙄

***I can hear certain people in my life already lecturing or kindly pointing out "you are better than this." "I'll not participate in you tearing yourself down" Trust me...keep reading 💗***

Now that the chimpanzee is dancing around in your head, let me explain. I do not DO sexy very well. It is awkward and i just don't seem to get it. But the reason is because sexy isn't something that you DO. It is who you are. It is a frame of mind. It is believing what your partner says about you being sexy and embracing it. It is an attitude! 

I am not in any way tearing myself down.

The very best sexy a person can be is to be authentic and to be themselves. Be authentic. Be you! 

Yesterday was so awesome. It was my one year anniversary of going locally to the Dungeon to play. If I look back over the last year it often feels like its been a lifetime. I am so very happy I stepped up and took that time to go there. 

Yesterday was also awesome because I met another Cage friend...in person. She has been a good friend almost since I joined last year. I have always admired her love for all ropey things.  So not only did we get to meet in person, she came to the Dungeon with me :)  AND we had a scene together! And she did Ropey things to me.it 

It was such a great evening. We laughed. We played. We had fun. I'm fairly certain I talked her ear off. I am so thankful to have her in my life. 

The rope and knots on my shin----ooooh 😍😍 the knots on my shin. The rope that held my hands behind my head. The wooden paddle. The flogger. Your drum set skills. Playing this Little Piggy. Hahaha that was all great (hmmmm Yes Please) all of that was awesome. I cannot wait to do it again, but the most important knot is that friendship. That is the knot(s) that really knits it all together. Love ya Ropey Lady! Thanks again

This morning I wanted to send a greeting to someone. I like doing that, to bring a smile to someone's face. I like letting people know that they are in my thoughts. A small gesture that can mean a great deal. 

However, I realized something minutes after I sent the greeting.  

 "Good morning. Happy Thursday"

...except its NOT Thursday! At least not in the timezone I live in. 😂 

  It was a reminder to me that I need to slow down. I dont know about you, but I can easily get ahead of myself, allowing my brain to spin in unnecessary circles of worry and axiety that zoom into the future. I need to stay in the moment...this moment. Today. Sometimes I have people in my life to help me with that, and I am thankful. I still need to remind myself too.

  It is also a reminder for everyone to slow down. Don't get ahead of yourself. There is no hurry. Slowing down may mean less hurts and also more meaningful connections with people. That submissive you seem dead set on catching (ewww...but that's for another blog), that Dom you so desperately want to be with (Here's a secret....that kind of desperation is not a good color on you Darling)...slow down. That feeling of missing something because you don't have a partner doesn't mean you should rush at the first one that wants to swoop you up.  I have learned, for me, the best connections are the ones that happen organically.

Happy Wednesday, friends!

I will be back to writing and sharing soon. But this made me smile :)

deep breaths....find the rainbow....there is always a sparkle, sometimes it is just harder to see.

my feelings lately....fish out of water here at the Cage.

Not "thin enough"

Not "sexy enough"

Not "smart enough"

Not "strong enough"

Not "open enough"

Not "thinking about sex enough"

Not "kinky enough"

Not "caring enough"

Or "good enough until better comes along"

Too strong, too modest, too controlling, too fat...too happy, too positive

And on and on and on

Not enough yet too much. 

Who knew?

I am a very caring and passionate person. I have a depth that most people don't get to see. I love deeply and I care deeply. I carry the weight of the world sometimes on my shoulders. I have a heart that was created to be submissive. Having said that, I am also fiery and passionate, protective and crazy. Don't let my sweetness or my naive and innocent sides fool you. Poke the dragon too much and FIRE will and does come out!Yes, friends, even now I am frustrated.

Today it was suggested to me that i am not submissive at all. That people who wait for things to go their way or they just pick up the ball and go home are not submissive. That perhaps i needed a submissive to call my own... -

I suggested that a wise Dom once told me if a submissive isn't doing, or acting, or responding how you want her to act, then take time to teach her to be who you want her to be. She isn't a mind reader, she doesn't just know. (Even if you think said things are universal and just expected) I was told "that is advice I give baby Doms". I was called a smart ass. I was NOT being a smart ass, i was simply trying to make a point. It didn't work.

Of course there is a longer story behind this, but I am SO frustrated right now. Sparkly frustration is not pretty. Yes perhaps i should be more like a duck and just let it roll off my back, but instead at this very moment i am fired up.And I am not a duck....and those words are not rolling off! Instead i keep hearing them over and over and over again. I don't need to defend myself. I know i make mistakes too. The whole situation just has me irritated. I would not be any good to have a submissive of my own-I am not Dominant. Yes, I am strong willed and opinionated-yes my life has many unique pieces of the puzzle to make this work-Yes, I am not like all the other girls....but Dominant i am not.

I could let my brain loose down the rabbit hole and ponder the thought that I am not submissive either. That maybe I just need to throw the towel in....but, I know several people here who love me dearly that might have a few strong words to say about that.*sigh* one day these things won't bother me like this. but today is not that day.

I go to the Dungeon tonight, perhaps I will find some stress relief there...

P.S. trash-talking my former partners will not bring the respect you're looking for

Today is my One year Cageversary. 

One year ago I set up an account here at Cage. I was so innocent, so sheltered, so wide eyed. I made a decision that I wanted to pop into the chat room fairly early on, I wanted to learn and get to know people. I am so glad that i did as some of those people have become such dear dear friends. And I have seen many highs and lows, walked through quite a bit with some of them. 💖 I have laughed until I cried and then laughed more. 😂

I think about the people that have come and gone in that time-so many. So many relationships and velcro collars. So much life. I wonder how some of them are doing in their life, how things are going. I came into Cage with a sense of wonder and a naive outlook that allowed me to believe the best in and of everyone. I quickly learned that was far from the truth as not everyone has the best in mind. Yet, even now, i still try and want to believe the best in people. People are important. People before Kink!

I know that in this process my own insecurities have waved their sparkly flag. I have hurt some. I have been hurt deeply by some. I have cried more tears than I would like to admit. I have been blocked by some. I have blocked others. I allowed my insecurities to be the filter that i responded from regarding blogs. (being blocked I cannot even write an apology or even open communication with the blog poster) I am truly sorry to anyone that I have hurt or offended in this process. I love people too much and i never want to be hurtful. I really do want the best for everyone. I run from drama. It hurts my heart to think that I have hurt anyone or caused distress, but that is all a part of life, isn't it? People on people on people...life on life....iron sharpening iron.

I have had some wild adventures here at Cage as well. NEVER would I have imagined that any relationship would come out of my being here. I didn't come here for that, I came here simply to learn more about BDSM and kink and try to figure some things out. i did quickly find a home, a community full of humans. If last year at this time someone would have told me I would go to Italy because of a relationship connection made and formed here at Cage, I truly would have laughed so hard. Truly. Yet, last month I was in Italy with him.

I have learned that because I am a relational person, it can give a false sense of connection. I am easy to relate to and connect well with people, but not all of those connections lead to giving my submission. Not at all. In fact, i have learned to be even more careful. I am always afraid I will give a bad impression or lead someone on, when really all i am doing is having a conversation and sharing my thoughts on a particular topic(s).

Though some would say I am still 'adorably innocent' (and others would say I am annoyingly innocent...or just annoying) I have definitely grown in this year. Due to conversations here in chat, I got brave and went to my local Dungeon. Now, I can be found there almost weekly. I'm not sure that i would have ventured into that had i not had the encouragement of my friends here! I still have so much to learn and experience, and there is no hurry. I know i don't see things the way "all the other girls" see them. I don't experience (or have the same experiences) as all the other girls. And sometimes, I allow my head voice to be stronger, and convince me that because i do not instantly think with 'gutter thoughts' or even always understand what is being said...or..or...or...that I am somehow 'broken'. (I'm not. Neither are you!) Sometimes I even venture down the rabbit hole thinking perhaps this isn't the place for me. But, you know what, it really is ok. I am unique and sparkly...I am me. And even i can have a place here too. Everyone enjoys a different flavor of pizza or ice cream, and I am certainly a flavor all of my own 😘 and in the eyes of the right person it will be the perfect flavor for them. In the hands of the right teacher, I am teachable. 

And i hope that I have contributed to this community in some sparkly way <3

I still have so much more growing to do.... learning about myself, learning about others, learning about kink.....guess I will stick around for a while :)