It is finally here. Seeing as I booked this trip in July 2018, there has been plenty of build and anticipation leading up to this moment.
I remember when i booked this trip, we all joked about it being like a pregnancy. (Or at least almost that long.) And just like pregnancy there have been many moments with more questions than answers. Many many growing pains along the way.The time felt like it was never going to arrive, yet...here we are.
I have had MONTHS to prepare for this- yet I am SO nervous. Unbelievably nervous and scared and worried and antsy and excited. We BOTH are. We have grown to know each other on a very close, intense, personal level. Thanks to modern technology and video calls we know facial expressions. We know when the other is shutting down, know hurt in each other's eyes, when we are holding back or hiding something. We know the good. We know the crap....yet, even knowing all these things we still have insecurities popping up like crazy.
"Will you still like me after you meet me in person?"
"What if you think I am ugly?"
"What if we don't click?"
"Can I actually do this?"
And a whole host of other things. And honestly, its ALL normal. And exciting. And frightening. And happy. We are both excited and giddy to finally meet...in person....without the computer screen. To finally get a hug...a forehead kiss...to hold a hand...
All day I have felt like i am walking through a dream as I completed my packing and boarded a plane. In moments I will board the next plane....and then tomorrow we get a new chapter. 😄 I will close my eyes and hopefully sleep. And dream....
Thank you friends for sharing this with us. (Some of you have been in our corner since the beginning....still blows my mind) Whatever happens, I am so thankful. I know so many on here dream of being able to do the same-sometimes possible, and sometimes not. I don't take this big huge leap of faith for granted. Be happy in and enjoy what you DO get to experience and feel. I celebrate where you are. Your grass is yours to water and mine is mine....i hope my grass comes out sparkly. I don't care if it is greener 💚
Well folks, boarding has started... See ya on the flip side 💖 for now...i must remember to breathe ☺😉
****I have SO many songs in my head right now, and for so many different reasons. At least one one level they all feel different, yet, like so many things in our lives they are intertwined and intersect in strange ways. Instead of many different blogs, you just get the random shuffle of my thoughts and even some dedications go out tonight with the tunes. So sit back and enjoy the show! ****
Let me also simply address that for those of you who have gotten to know me, yes, there have been some changes. Centi is still in my life (I leave for Italy on Monday to see him...holy moly!), but we have made some big massive changes. IT IS OUR STORY AND IT IS WHAT IS RIGHT FOR US AT THIS TIME. Please don't go bugging him asking him about it! Having said that, what you are about to read isn't about him. I don't want the assumption train to derail there. Remember, there is ALWAYS more to someone's story, to their journey, than meets the eye.
To start, i have been singing this song all day. I was with small children, so i sang the clean version! This song is dedicated to a Treasure among us. You are valuable. <3
It can be so hard, believe me, recent events in my own life have this song in my mind as well. I don't always believe this about myself. I often need reminders. (And even then I have trouble always truly believing) Deep down, I know I am amazing. I really do. Sometimes though, being amazing and being perfect (or any other lovely descriptive words you want to add) to someone is simply not enough. What a weird situation! Welcome to a different variety of mind-fuck! 🙈
Like Cinderella's step sisters, even though they tried, (and i would go to great lengths to try!), some things just don't fit in this moment, in this time, in this space. And you can't make them! No amount of tears, no amount of heartbreak. Or pleading. Or desperation. Or lack of understanding. Or...or...or...
*This isn't a dig against myself, I know I am an amazing woman. I am NOT downplaying my importance in general or in the specific situation. 💗 *
But back to Cinderella's sisters, of course, this came to mind:
Now that you are done laughing, at least I am😂😂...*please note, i don't think of ANYONE like that. I see beauty in everyone no matter who they are 💖
So moving on to the next tune through my journey in my mind, when I am hurting, as i know with many of you, the range of emotions can just be an exhausting roller coaster ride....its true.
I wish i could say I was always ✨ sparkly, but raw and real isn't always sparkly. raw and real is simply that....from my heart, from my gut-often unfiltered and brutally honest.This song definitely hit close to home, although really it ISN'T about winning or losing. (I'll get back to that in a bit.)
This next tune is part of the emotional rollercoaster as well. The highs and the lows. And I just like the song.
Now that I have given you a recent tour through my head, I close with a final song. This is the song that truly summarizes my feelings in all of these situations. I am TRULY thankful for the gifts I have been given, the relationships I have in my life, what is yet to come. I am so lucky to have lessons learned, lessons I am learning, and ones I have yet to learn. (And the ones that are just on a repeat loop because I haven't quite conquered them yet!) My heart is big and feels emotions (both mine and those of others) in really big ways. And YES, I may go round and round about feeling like I was/am less than, or not enough, or wonder what I could have done differently...but at the end of the day it DOESN'T matter. It ISN'T about winning or losing. It's not about what I feel. Not really. Yes my feelings are valid and real and important- of that there is no question! But I love, give and serve sacrificially. This is NOT meant to be the cry of a victim nor am I trying to play the part of a martyr, it is simply the REAL cry of my heart:
And I chose this version because I LOVE her sparkly dress. I know...total shocker!
It's true. To See you Smile 💗, To know you are happy.... 💗 and I would do it all over again! I wish you well. 💗 I can't wait to see what is up ahead. 💗
I think i shall end the DJ Sparkalina shuffle for now. It's been an emotional time writing this (and rereading and editing and reading AGAIN...repeat...i have probably done this 25 times tonight!) Maybe another installment of Night Serenade with DJ Sparkalina will come after my trip to 🇮🇹 Italy 💖
Friends, thank you all for being a part of my life. Thank you for showing me reflections of myself. Thank you for sharing bits and pieces of you. Thank you for a space where I can be me. Keep your head up, add positivity and be uplifting where you can.You never know who your kindness will reach 💖
I am usually the eternal optimist...for everyone else! I try to be that for myself too, but lately I feel like I am weighed down in a sea of "what if..."
***My crazy work schedule is also a contributor, and I know this. People around me have learned the difference between me and tired me. Sometimes I need to remind myself, or be reminded, to not make decisions or allow myself to navigate the What ifs in these moments.***
Back to the what ifs...
-what if I am not able to do it? I think I can but feel like I am failing and will fail miserably. I hate failing. Yes failure is inevitable sometimes...and it is a launchpad for growth.
-what if the bottom falls out of my plans?
-what if I get to Italy and.... (Too many what ifs here to list....talk about insecurities flying high! this blog is NOT just about my upcoming trip to Italy)
-what if I really am selfish and only thinking if myself?
-what if my choices hurt someone else?
-what if something better comes along?
-what if...WHAT IF....WHAT IF....WHAT IF....and the what if becomes a loud screech, piercing to the depths of my soul like the 6 year old I nanny when she screams at me that "SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE KIND!!!"
And then I want to just retreat....pull back. Build walls.
Protect myself....but from what? Or from who? From myself? From my fears? From other people? But will that help? No not really. Yet in the same breath I don't want to burden others with it....I know these are fears and I am not really thinking rationally. Yep, I am a beautiful and amazing hot mess.
My days aren't always crashes of what if waves that threaten to pull me under. Sometimes the what if waves are beautiful and refreshing. Today they feel more like the waves that will take me down and knock me out-the waves that beat me into submission.
I am thankful that I have people in my life who aren't going to let me drown. People that will stand out IN THE MIDDLE of the waves with me-together. (Even and especially when from their perspective they can't see why I would be feeling the way that I do.) They love me anyway...love me through it. And I am thankful .
And even in the state of overwhelm right now, there is a quieter What If pulling me along....
"What if I fall?
But Darling, what if you fly?
And that hope of flying pushes me on....one foot in front of the other. Moment by moment.
Friend, if you are overwhelmed I hope you have people to walk through it with you. If you don't, I make a great friend. I'll lend my hand to walk through it with you. Truly. 💖
For now I just want to put some headphones on and drown it all out in song (and sing along at the top of my lungs) And perhaps I may. Perhaps there is a safe Harbor I can run to before the worst of the waves crash. Perhaps my safe Harbor will have a towel to help dry my soaked self off....and dry the tears from my eyes. Perhaps...
Some blog posts are harder to write than others. As I always write with my heart, this time is a bit harder.
I don't know about you, friends, but when someone is disappointed in me, I take it very personally. Well, that isn't completely true either. Lets try that again.. When someone IMPORTANT to me expresses disappointment in me, I take it very very personally. It hits me hard. And I HATE the feeling. It is a punishment all on its own.
Yesterday, I learned that I disappointed someone VERY dear to me. I am thankful they respected me enough to be honest with me, even though it hurt like hell. I had a pit in my stomach and tears in my eyes. (And down my cheeks) I always tease that my eyes are prettier when I cry because they look like the ocean, but there wasn't anything pretty about the tears or my eyes. Not this time.
You see, I wanted to defend myself. Even tried to, but the evidence was not in my favor. Don't get me wrong, what happened was not intentional and not meant to hurt, but it was still terribly wrong.
Loose lips sink ships- and my conversations with another friend got shared with someone. (Again, not maliciously or with intent to hurt.) And then the conversations came back to the person I hold dear. Either way, it isn't about the conversations being shared, it truly centered on the fact that I should NEVER have shared what I did. Sometimes experiences are meant to be shared with others and sometimes they are not. The devil is in the details.
While I am still very sad, I remain hopeful. Hopeful to restore what was broken, hopeful for what lies ahead. And I will take it and learn from it-grow from it. Become a better person for it. I have said and truly mean my apologies, and in time things will be better.
If you have read to the end, my friends, if you are wanting more details then I am afraid you missed the point. Completely. 🤦and please don't make assumptions that you know the what and the who.
Find someone to encourage today. Go forward with integrity that sparkles. Move in that direction that brings out the best in you. 💖
NOPE, this is not a sex thing giving me a new nickname because of moaning 😂😂😂🙈🙈🙊🙊 oh my gosh...ha!
now that I have cleared that up, 😂, back to why I am Moana. Moana's safe place, her calm, that ongoing pull calls her to the water. She even sings about it...
"But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try..."
yep. That is me. 100%.
2:30am- I am listening to the ocean waves. If I take a deep breath and close my eyes I can almost feel the waves washing over me. (Talk about a perfect example of power exchange! Mmmm yes please!) Oh how I wish I could push the pause button on the rest of the world right now....areas of growth bring out the "best" of my insecurities. That is where I have spent a great deal of time most recently.
Truthfully, I feel like this would be a more accurate song when it comes to my feelings and insecurities at the moment:
My insecurities really have been getting the best of me recently. I repeat truths, facts that I know to be true, and cling to them like a lifeline. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it does not. Sometimes I turn things around so much in my head that the very things that are meant to be grounding and freeing are actually really causing more anxiety. And then I operate in and from a state of overwhelm. Maybe some day I will rest in those anchor points and people...someday.
Somewhere between a Disney Princess and Blue October you will find me....confident, fun, sassy, playful, determined, outgoing, and yes, even sparkling in my insecurities. You see, in order to find the diamond you have to dig deep and go through the fires to get to it. :)
Now, earlier I said if I close my eyes I could ALMOST feel the waves washing over me.
Well... it's hard to be near the ocean when I am sitting in cold Snowhio. I can go to Lake Erie, and do so often to watch the waves, but not usually so early in the morning :)
No, no...the waves I am listening to are on the Baby Sleep App. (I work overnight as a postpartum doula taking care of babies)
You see, the waves are simply white noise.....its all about the perspective.
Yep, I know, you are totally surprised by this revelation....Or not! I really hope you fall into the "or not" category. I certainly am not surprised that it happens, or shouldn't be-it's almost just expected. Yet, even in that state of expectation, I still get caught unaware at what happens.
Perhaps, even though my own trips around the sun have proven otherwise, I simply expect more. I expect that people will have higher standards. I expect more from people who claim to be well versed and experienced. I expect other people not to be dragged through mud or given a scarlet letter to wear when you talk about them to other people.
I expect that personal issues with or against someone will not be passed on to the next person who mentions their name! (Or the next, and the next, and the next)
***please do not misunderstand, I absolutely think that vetting people is necessary and wise. There are those who definitely are predatory and up to no good. I have had my run ins with this type as well. In fact, almost coupled up with one. I kept our conversations private, but thankfully did share concerns with someone who I have grown to trust. They were able to explain more to me and that helped me make a better decision. Thankfully! ***
I mentioned talking to someone that I trusted. Chat is a great way to get to know people. It hurts my heart and I cringe, however, when people misuse their reputation and high esteem that is given by others to talk badly about another person. No one should have to hear "I have been warned about you" each time they make a new connection.
Honestly I believe we all should have warning labels of some kind. 😂
*doesn't play well with others in the sandbox
*gets hangry because they forget to eat
*has a dry sense of humor or humor that I don't understand because I am not from the same country as them.
And so on....😂😂😂
Let me leave you with MY warning... I state in my profile that I am fiercely protective. I can go from zero to 60 on the "mama bear scale" in no time at all.
And for the love of mud..seriously enough mud slinging! (Mud wrestling, however....) The people others are being "warned about" are PEOPLE....people who live, Breathe, eat and feel. Just like you and me. It is exhausting to have to start new communications by defending yourself!
Put the Burn Book away! didn't you ever watch Mean Girls?
You didn't ACTUALLY think I was going to single people out, did you? Yuck! Doesn't seem like a very ✨ sparkly ✨ thing to do, now does it? 💖
Sometimes journeying into the wilds of Cageland can feel like watching Animal Planet or a National Geographic Wildlife Edition. A combination of majestic (and not so majestic) creatures from across the globe.
Sometimes through chat, blogs, and private messages we can find the animals tearing into each other, sinking their teeth in to devour their next meal. Carefully calculated attacks on the weaker ones can often destroy them and they are never heard from again. Other attacks leave deep scars.
Today's episode, however, is about those sneaky moves and maneuvers by those who cannot be happy for others. The smoothly (or not so smoothly) calculated moves to encroach upon the territory of another. The poachers. It happens BOTH ways- Doms trying to poach subs and subs trying to poach Doms.
***Definition of poach
(Entry 2 of 2) intransitive verb
1: to encroach upon especially for the purpose of taking something 2: to trespass for the purpose of stealing game
Thank you Merriam-Webster for the definition***
I don't know about you, my friends, but I think this is ridiculous! There is no respect that comes from poaching. It's not something anyone should be proud of. You don't see news articles praising the poachers in the wild, and you certainly won't have your praises sung in Cageland!
In fact, it makes me want to go Little Bunny FooFoo style on you-scoop you up and Bop you on the head!
Life is already so full of drama, it amazes me that people like to cause extra drama. Why can't we be happy for others? From the time my munchkin was little, (he is 7.5 now) we taught him that even if you lose in a game, be happy for the person who won. No crying or throwing a fit. Be happy for them, afterall, we want people to be happy for us when we win.
The same principle applies here in Cageland. Stop trying to rain on someone else's happy! You may just poke the wrong bear- the one that turns into a "mama bear" and protector. Watch out!
If you are that hungry, I politely suggest you go poach an egg!
You are all humming, singing, or casting curses on me because this song will be in your head most of the day- now we can begin. 😝
I don't know about you, but as I read through the blogs and talk with people, occasionally I find myself thinking, or even saying out loud :WHY OH WHY CAN'T I?
*Why can't I talk "dirty" as easily as others seem to?
....truthfully, I don't know. I get brain hiccups when I try. Oh that and my conservative upbringing too.
A couple weeks ago, I was sick. And a byproduct of that sickness was a beautiful rich deep voice. I teased that I could make some serious money and run a pay per minute service with my voice like that. I also teased though that I would have no clue what to say, and that I would actually be a sadist's best friend because they could torture people by having them call in and I would do what comes naturally - sing kids songs 🙈😂😂
*Why can't I have an insatiable desire for sex like others seem to?
....perhaps with the right partner? Even then....maybe it's a learned thing. Maybe it is getting past previous hurts and experiences...
*Why can't/don't I worship my Dom 24/7 (like others seem to...) Or at least want to worship his body 24/7?
...He is a great guy and all. I am quite fond of him. I even love him. And I DO think of him in one way or another most all day. I also think about my kiddo, and my work, and...and...and...
*Why can't I fathom the actions/positions I see in the blog stories?
...well, all bodies are different. I feel like my body composition-extremely extra fluffy, I would have to be a contortionist. Also means things I read, even with a partner, wouldn't work the same. Ha! Sometimes as I'm reading these blogs, I stop and literally try to figure out how these things are even possible . 🤔 Trust me, I know my body!
*I am not body shaming. In fact I believe my body is pretty incredible.*
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Now, before you all start to think that I am about to crash and burn on the HOT MESS EXPRESS....breathe! Those thoughts and questions are not the problem, it's what I do with them. Honestly it is healthy to question things. If I were to dwell on them...thats where it gets sticky. Dwelling can lead down the rabbit hole wondering what is wrong with me. The answer is simple-NOTHING! I am not any less valuable as a person. I am not any less valuable as a submissive in this crazy, yet awesome and amazing, world of BDSM.
I have been told many times that my submission is special because I serve with my heart. 💖 THAT is not something that can be made up. Its not found over the 🌈, it is simply ME. It is who I am. Its my sparkly outlook on life. It's the way I genuinely care for people and want to be there for them through good and bad. It's the way I can turn anything into a song. 💖 and it is many many other things ☺🙈😏😂🤗💖😇🔥💅👡👗💄👣 (a lady has to have some secrets afterall)
*and equally as important-when you pair with someone, choose wisely. Wait for the one who understands when your brain freezes or hiccups. The one who gets to know you for YOU.
And, friends, I happen to know that I am not the only one who experiences this. I know that we may not be asking the same questions in our comparisons, we may not completely be on the same page, but it is the same idea . Comparing is rarely healthy. Not to mention that the blogs are what people WANT us to see, how they WANT to be perceived, and merely a highlight reel of a (much) bigger picture.
The treasure isn't found in some elusive and unattainable place in a fantasyland society over the Rainbow. Nope....it is YOU! Who you are. Your gifts, your challenges- no one always has ALL their stuff together, nor is their relationship always perfect!
If your response is not "YES/YEAH"- may I borrow your ear? Yes folks, I am talking about enthusiastic consent! I don't care how much you want to do a particular something with someone, if they don't get excited about it-just stop. If they seem uncomfortable-just stop!
Now before the pitchforks get sharpened and the lynch mob comes after me, hear me out! I am too sparkly to want to attack, I mean who wants to clean up all of that glitter? 💖 😂
Early on in this Cage adventure there was one who really wanted to be my Dom. Said all the right things, did all the things that captured my attention. Yet, some things just seemed-well, let's just say they were "off". In talking with other members of the community in chat, I learned to find and trust my voice. I learned that if I didn't want to jump up and say "hell yes" to a certain activity, that I should really take that pause. Feeling pushed into something is not enthusiastic consent. If I don't enthusiastically give my consent, am I really having fun?
My wings grew and I started frequenting the Academy in Cleveland. (Come visit if you are in the area!) I play...hard. I have learned (and am still learning) many lessons, yet keep coming back to the need to listen to my gut when it comes to consent.
I urge you all to listen to your gut. You can even enthusiastically consent to the scary or uncomfortable things (defined differently for each reader I am sure). **Even those who are saying "BUT WHAT ABOUT CNC?"...if you or you partner are not enthusiastically both jumping into that boat together, the same rules still apply.** It's all about finding and trusting the person/people that you choose to play/engage with! Take your time, be choosy. You are worth it!
I expect that personal issues with or against someone will not be passed on to the next person who mentions their name! (Or the next, and the next, and the next)