Thoughts on Life and submission

As you seemed to enjoy my first foray into how my mind works on a kinky level, I thought I'd bring Night Two out for a spin.  I do hope you enjoy!

Blessings,

Calendar Girl

*******

Scheherazade, Night Two

.....Instantly she was down on her knees and pulling His hardness out of His pants.  Opening wide, she took Him fully into her mouth as He'd taught her to.  She wasn't new to oral sex, but had asked Him to train her to His specific needs.  She took Him deeply.  As deeply as she could and used both hands to pull His hips forward.  He leaned onto the mirror with His left hand, grabbed the back of her head with His right hand and began to direct her movements.   

Gathering up the long, red curls at the base of her neck, He pulled firmly, but without pain.  In the mirror He could see her from the back.  If He looked straight down, He could see His faithful servant giving her best.... eyes lowered, hands holding tight to the One she obeyed.  Feeling the wetness of her mouth, the heat coming off of her body, and smelling the rose oil she wore for a fragrance, He tilted His head back and let His little submissive pleasure Him.  The two of them together made the world melt away; their bond was exceptionally deep.  She'd come to Him eagerly, but so delicate and skittish.  She had grown a fearlessness with His guidance; He'd shown her how moral and trustworthy He was, and once those principles were understood, the flower that she was really opened.  It angered Him that other men had toyed with something so unique, and that their gritty hands reached inside of her to do her harm.  Unconditional love is a wonderful concept, and perhaps they'd both be able to give that in the future, but He had suffered hurts and His own anguish.  She worked daily to show Him how her love could allow Him to trust again, and that the two of them were invincible as a pair.  His efforts to show her how honorable He was allowed her to give things she didn't even know she had.  On the other side, her blind trust in Him; her willingness to be shaped and taught let Him open the door to His heart for her to enter.  They each held such power over the other, yet neither would use that power to harm the other.  The dichotomy of D/s was being played out daily, and it was beautiful to be a part of.

Pulling a little harder at her hair, He pulled her mouth away and waited for her to lift her eyes to Him.  The blue-green of her eyes fringed by the long dark lashes rested on His eyes and the small smile at the corner of her lips made Him smile as well.  Bringing her to her feet, He rubbed some of the saliva at the bottom of her chin across her jawline with His thumb, kissed her lips firmly then pulled her into His broad chest.  Burrowing her head into the shirt on His chest, she wrapped her arms tightly around Him and breathed deeply.  It was a contented sigh, but it was filled with heat and need. His own need spoke to Him, but here is where He stopped for the time being.  As He readjusted His slacks and belt, His submissive turned her face up and pouted a little at Him.  He was not annoyed at her for doing this, but returned His expression to something a little more stern, cupped her jaw with His right hand then firmly pressed His thumb onto the pouting lips.

'It is time for you to get dressed.  We are done here' He spoke firmly to her.  

Kissing her forehead, giving her another firm gaze, then turning away from her to get a drink of water He heard her quickly taking off the lingerie and putting the knee length sundress He'd laid out for her this morning back over her head.  While she was putting her feet back into the tall wedges she'd fallen in love with last month, she began neatly folding the garments she'd tried on, made a quick pass over her hair with her hands while returning to His side, then picked up the bottle of water on the table.  She'd seen the glass getting low and the deep desire in her to serve her Master was always alerting her to things He might want or need.  She was happy and smiling next to Him; content to just be near Him.  Her happiness meant she was feeling His own happiness.  One fed the other.  Smiling a little, He checked His watch and held the glass out for her to fill at the same time.

As if on cue, the saleswoman came in as He checked the time, and asked if there were any questions or needs.

'Please wrap both sets up for me.  We're done here for today.  Thank you.' He said, held out His elbow for His submissive then walked her out of the dressing room.  As they walked slowly, He began softly asking her what she liked about the afternoon, pointed out a few garments expertly displayed on store mannequins, and enjoyed conversing with her as they waited for the purchases to be boxed.

In the beginning, she'd been very unsure of when to speak.  In her efforts to be respectful, she'd gone to an opposite extreme and began to close down a little.  This was all quite new to her, and that could be maddening for Him, but she always worked to learn and adapt.  He valued her mind, and she had a stinging wit.  When He decided to take her as His submissive, He'd done so because she was desirable as she was.  Her internal workings were attuned to His own... they shared a sense of justice and morality.  He liked that she giggled when she spoke, and that she never tried to hide her happiness.  After making love one night, He held her close in His arms as they drifted off to sleep.  As He stroked her hair, He told her that He didn't want to change her.  His job was to enhance the woman she was, not break her down.  When He said this to her, He could hear something in her mind shift.  She was an information gatherer.  She loved rules and knowing them.  There were simply areas where she didn't have all of the information needed, and those were areas where the struggle was most obvious.  Feeling her shifting mentally reflected the good work He was doing with and for her.  

Now she happily chatted with Him, playfully commented on a few more pieces of lingerie then quieted when they headed to the register.  As business was being conducted, she rested her head against His right arm.  Her left arm was draped through the crook in His elbow and she let her right hand idly play with the skirt of her dress.  He knew how grateful she was for His excellent provision, and her ability to not have any concern in this area made her infinite trust in Him expand.  She hummed lightly under her breath, payed attention to what was going on around her, was genuinely grateful and appreciative.  Her trust in Him gave off an air of serenity.  Serenity that had been attained by His care.

Gathering the shiny black bag containing the tiny boxes filled with lingerie, they left the store.  He opened the door wide for her, then stepped into the sunshine with her.  She had plucked His sunglasses out of the case in her purse already, and handing them to Him she asked 'Master, are you hungry'?

'I am' He said, pulled open the passenger door of His car and let her settle in.  Walking around the back of the car, He placed the black bag into the trunk, opened His own car door and started the car.

'Would you like me to go to the store now, or later' she asked.

'I have some work to do.  I will drive us home, then you may go to the grocery store while I work'.  He said as He pulled away from the curb.

'As you wish' she smiled up to Him, then began to softly sing with the radio station.

***********

Here is the first in a series I wrote a few years ago..... I just felt like sharing a little bit of my mind fodder with you fabulous people!

Blessings,

Calendar Girl

******************

Scheherazade -  Night One

Standing shyly behind the small dressing rooms' curtain, she cautiously poked her head through the part in the middle and, with lowered eyes, asked 'what would you have me wear Sir'?

He was sitting in a comfortable leather chair that was positioned in the center of a two part, private changing room in a trendy lingerie boutique downtown.  There was a small table to His left, and a tall bottle of chilled water and a crystal water goblet were placed on it by one of His favorite saleswomen.  He had been to this boutique twice before.  He came here to purchase items for His new submissive, but this was the first time she had come with Him.  After each previous visit, He sent His submissive the clothing items He'd selected with strict instructions on how He wanted her to photograph herself in them.  She had not failed Him in the slightest, and had, in fact tried harder to please Him by adding an artistic element to each assignment.  This trip to the boutique was both a lesson and a reward for her; she'd pleased Him, and today He was showing her how she must always trust Him to protect her, and meeting her love of fine and lacy things.

'Are you undressed' Sir asked.
'I am as you commanded, Sir.  Yes.' she replied with a blush beginning to form on her pale cheeks.
'Show me.' He said, and she parted the curtains completely.

Master knew how shy His pet was, and He brought her here to help her emerge from her shell.  He was teaching her how obedience gave her strength.  He was pushing her boundaries by having her stand nude before someone other than Him.  He wasn't doing this to shame her.... He was building something beautiful in her by showing her she could be vulnerable in front of others because He was always going to protect her.  He could see the goose bumps on her pale arms and thighs, and the shivering was both endearing and sexy.  She had just begun serving Him.  Her only Master, and though she was highly untrained, she was smart, and so very willing to learn and to please.

'Turn around' He said, and immediately she turned.  He could see her face through the reflection in the mirror that stood inside the dressing room.  The blush began to spread from her cheeks to her neck.  She dutifully kept her arms at her side, but had lowered her gaze and forehead.  Her shoulders shuddered.  They rose and fell quickly in her tender and nervous state.  Rising from the chair that He'd been seated in, He gently took her shoulders in His strong, warm hands, pulled the long, red curls to the side and kissed her warm and damp neck.  

'This pleases Me' He said, and the shivering stopped.  Immediately her expression changed and the look of adoration for Him from her blue eyes made Him smile.

Returning to the chair, He said nothing further, and His submissive quietly awaited instruction.  They watched each other in silence for about 5 minutes; He at her back, she at His face through the mirrors reflection.  She was smiling broadly and happily waiting for direction.  The saleswoman entered the private room through the red velvet curtains that separated the room from the showroom floor, and carried several sets and styles of lingerie for the submissive to try on.  Deftly setting each piece on a rack close to the submissive she began describing the attributes of each set and how they could be worn.  Rising again, He selected two sets to begin with and they were then handed off to the submissive.  The first set was a beautiful lavender corset with a thong, garter belts sewn in and lavender stockings.  The saleswoman handed the submissive the thong and the stockings then began to loosen the ties of the corset for her to put on.  The submissive knew how to put on a corset, but needed help with the ties.  Wrapping the corset around her waist, she looked at her Sir for permission to speak, then politely asked the saleswoman to stay and help her become presentable.  The submissive quickly fastened the busk, then turned her back to the saleswoman and braced herself against a wall.  Taking a deep breath in, submissive quickly exhaled and the saleswoman pulled the ties quickly to tightened the stays.  Another quick breath in then out, and the stays were tightened again.  One last adjustment, and the corset was at its tightest position, ties quickly knotted and then they were alone again.

He could see she felt pretty in the corset.  She had a woman's figure; rounded hips and a smaller waist.  She was smiling broadly and turning side to side, admiring her reflection and adjusting her breasts so that the cleavage was properly distributed.  Standing firmly on her left foot, she bent her right knee, lightly resting the toes on the soft Turkish carpet, and began fastening the garter straps to the tops of the stockings.  Three straps on her right leg, then she turned to allow Him to see her fasten the straps on her left leg.  Though she looked quite lovely in the corset, He was more attracted to the confidence He'd seen rise to the surface.  Under His strength and guidance, she had begun to truly shine from the inside.  She stood before Him as a living representation of Dominance and submission.  He'd worked hard with her to teach her how best to serve.  The love she showed Him was matched only by her desire to learn and please Him.

'Come forward' He commanded, and she took three quick steps toward the chair, pulled her long hair away from her face and stood with her arms up and hands clasped behind her neck.  She had learned to stand still and ready when in inspection pose.  This pleased Him greatly, and tension began to rise in His groin.  

'Turn around' He said, and quickly she turned.  She enjoyed dancing, and that skill gave her an air of grace and dignity.
'Face Me' He commanded, and another quick turn brought her back to face Him.  'Arms down, and please walk for me', He said.
Slowly she lowered her arms, rose up on her toes and began to slowly walk away from Him and to the left.  She swayed her hips, rested her left hand on her left hip, and lifted the hair up off her back with her right hand.  She was in a playful mood.... the corset seemed to have kicked on her sassy nature, and turning like the next top model, she switched hands on hip and hair, then slowly strutted herself back again.

Her heart was pounding so loudly in her chest that she was certain He could hear it over the soft music playing in the dressing room.  His commanding gaze was on her... it was focused solely on her, and she felt such pride being His.  The pride made her playfulness bubble to the surface, and rather than hiding that little quirk, she let the inner Diva strut the imaginary cat walk.  Swinging her hips wide as He liked her to do, she felt like the most beautiful woman in the world.  The gift of His Dominance was not wasted on her.  His guidance had taken her persona and magnified all of the good pieces of it.  The more she learned and submitted, the more freedom she felt to be her authentic self.  Inside she was witty and sassy, and she gave that part of herself to Him hoping it would bring infinite joy and levity to Him.

'You look lovely my princess' He said quietly.
Standing before Him, she smiled coyly and thanked Him genuinely.  He could have any woman He wanted; she was so thrilled He had picked her.
'Please undress, and put the next set on' He stated.
'Sir, I need help with the ties' she humbly said as she unfastened the garter straps, then quickly knelt down before Him with her back close to His knees.  

Corsets were lovely things and taking them off had a sensual appeal just as putting them on did.  The knot was untied.  He pulled at the center strings and the stays began to loosen.  Distributing the slack in the ties to the upper and lower portions of the corset, the stays were once again loose enough to undo the busk.  Turning quickly to face Him, she rose to her knees, then held her arms out to the side to give Him access to the busk.  His warm hands slowly unfastened each hook, then the corset fell to the floor.  She knelt quietly in front of Him with her gaze lowered and resting on His knees.  Reaching out with His right hand, He lifted her chin, waited for her eyes to lift and meet His, then leaned forward to kiss her tenderly.   A deep sigh came from His submissive, and slowly He drew back, offered His hand to help her rise from her knees and nodded in the direction of the dressing room.  As she turned away, He gave her a quick slap on her right cheek.  Feigning shock, she placed her hand over what would soon be a welt, then bent over to remove the thong and stockings.

Next up was a midnight blue bra and panties set.  The dark blue lace over the nude colored lining would give the illusion she wasn't wearing anything but lace.  Hurriedly pulling the bikini style bottoms up onto her buttocks and hips, she then reached for the long line bra.  It was a beautiful, vintage style set, and she took a quick moment to hold the bra up to the light before putting it on.  Once on, the bottom of the bra would rest just below her sternum, and the vintage nod reflected her own sense of vintage flair.  

This bra had a unique feature that was a silver zipper in the back.   Trying to be self sustaining, the submissive struggled to fasten it behind her back.  Sheepishly and embarrassed she asked Sir for help.  Three quick steps toward Him again, and she returned to a kneeling position; shoulders back and resting lightly on her heels.  There was no room for slouching or half measures in His home, so she didn't give Him any.  Leaning forward slightly, He used those warm fingers to zip her up, then placing His hands on each shoulder He turned her around to face Him.

Up she went into inspection mode, and this time she took a step closer to Him allowing her knees to touch His knees.  Slowly He ran both hands over her torso, then lightly ran one finger along the inside elastic of the silk panties.  A slight moan rose from her throat, and He pinched her playfully saying 'Not a sound'.  

His hands on her made the panties warm with desire.  With her arms raised and hands behind her neck, she felt both vulnerable and safe.  He was here with her.  He was her protector, and she believed fully that no harm could come to her while He protected His property.  That finger just behind the elastic made a soft sound rise to the surface, and she winced lightly at His pinch of correction.  Standing up, He pushed the leather chair back a little with His legs and stood just a few inches away from her.  Slowly He circled her, taking in His property.  She could see His eyes wander over her through the reflection of several mirrors in the dressing room.  The intensity of His gaze increased the intensity of the burn in her crotch, and as His fingers slowly traced the bra cups edges she began to grind her hips a little.  It was an unintentional movement; an uncontrollable response to His gifted touch.  Once again in front of her, He reached behind her head and grabbed both tiny wrists into one hand, kissed her hard then pushed her into the small dressing area and against the mirror.  The heat of His touch and the coldness of the mirror added to the sexual sensations coming to life.  He firmly pinned her hands above her head with His right hand, rested His left hand around her neck and roughly pushed her legs apart with a knee.  

'You will keep your hands here until I tell you otherwise' He said and she quickly nodded in understanding.  He hadn't told her she could speak yet, so she concentrated on communicating with her body.  Of course, He knew what she was feeling.  He knew exactly what He did to her insides.  He worked her over often, and her body responded to His own quite passionately.

Keeping herself pressed against the glass of the mirror, her hands obediently held above her head, He used both hands to cup her breasts.  Oh how she loved for Him to cup her breasts!  With a small breast in each hand, He pulled the lace away from her left breast and leaned in to kiss the curve of skin.  Warm, passionate lips on her skin and her hips began to grind more.  Pulling the lace over the right breast aside He leaned in for another sensual kiss then nipped at her white skin leaving an indent from His teeth that would surely result in a bruise the next morning.  Kneeling down, placing soft, hot kisses on her skin on the way down, He ran His fingers inside the panties again, but this time slowly pulled them down to her knees.

'Is there anything I can help you with' the saleswoman asked firmly.  She had entered the room without the submissive hearing her, and stood next to the chair He'd sat in taking in the scene with both hands clasped in front of her tailored skirt.

'No, thank you' He replied without turning to look at the saleswoman, continuing to place small kisses on her abdomen.  The submissive, however, locked eyes with her, and began to blush furiously and tremble.  

After the woman left the room, He rose up.  With that deep voice of His, He spoke into her ear: 'I am here.  You are safe.  Return your focus to Me'.

Hearing His loving reminder, she was instantly returned to orbiting Him like the moon orbits the earth.  Kissing her deeply again on the lips, He reached up to lower her arms to her side and said 'Touch me'.  The passion from the kiss had made her hands feel greedy.  Gently, she placed a hand on each side of His face drew Him in closer still, gently biting His lower lip.  Groaning softly, He pressed His cock into her through His pants.  Leaving her left hand on His cheek, she reached down to stroked His shaft through His pants with her right.  Biting her neck, pressing hard into her now, there was no room for her hand to stroke Him, so she wrapped her left arm around His shoulders, pulled forcefully at the back of His head, lifted one leg out of the panties and onto His hip.  Feeling that hardness firmly pressed against the need from her box, she pressed harder into Him.... wanting to take Him inside her.

Suddenly, He reached behind her head, grabbed her hair and pulled her head back sharply.  Roughly He turned her to face the mirror, released her hair then placed His left arm across her upper body.  Using His right arm, He jerked her hips away from the wall, bent her down some then began to unbuckle His pants.  'Do you want this My dirty girl' He growled.  Nodding her head as best she could while being shoved up against the mirror, He gave her permission to speak.

'I'll ask again; do you want this My dirty girl'?  He growled.
'Yes Master.  Please may I have You inside me'? she begged.
'You'll have it when I am ready.  On your knees' He barked, and then released the pressure from His arm across her back.  

Instantly she was down on her knees and pulling His hardness out of His pants.  Opening wide, she took Him fully into her mouth as He'd taught her to.  She wasn't new to oral sex, but had asked Him to train her to His specific needs.  She took Him deeply.  As deeply as she could and used both hands to pull His hips forward.  He leaned onto the mirror with His left hand, grabbed the back of her head with His right hand and began to direct her movements.

************

Hello again, my friends!  I must feel quite chatty as this is the second mental gem this week!  Bear with me.... I'm just gonna lay it all out there for you to read and leave things up for discussion.  These are just my opinions based on my experience, and may not reflect everyone's experience(s).  I'll just thank you for your time and energy in advance.  Please remember.... this is what I'm feeling tonight, and I may be in the wrong. :)

SO..... do you ever go looking on The Cage's Personals?  Do you ever peruse Members based on your parameters, and hope to meet like minded people?  Are you ever humming along, checking pages off the list, when something strikes you like a lead brick to the back of your head?  Well, tonight, I had a bit of a lead brick hit me upside the head, and I just got to thinking about 'It All'.  Don't fret!  'It All' sounds ominous, but honestly it's so vast and ethereal, you're just never sure what you're going to get when you put your line in my mental waters.  Tonight's 'It All' has to do with the very tasty, sexual side of seeking another with a like mind.  I like sex.  Nay, I love sex.  Sex is great!  Sex should happen a lot if you ask me, and it should be a really positive experience for everyone involved.  Am I right?  Also right, is that sex isn't for everyone.  Some abuse survivors can't go there, and I honor that truth too.  I think I'm covering enough bases, but maybe I'm not.  Anyway, I was reading through adverts and Profiles tonight when it struck me; hard, in the back of the head, and kind of blinded me.  I'm okay, don't worry..... I'm shaking off the dizziness as I write.  It struck me that too many men (as I don't peruse women's adverts) start listing off all the sexual sides D/s has to offer, and go off on a sexual tirade.  Right off the bat, some men are telling me aaaalllll the things they're going to do to/for me, and basically taking me hostage on their fantasy parade.  Please don't vilify me yet!  This is just my take on what has been processed between my ears as I check out other people's environments.  I should also add that my In-Box gets filled with illicit messages when 'How do you do' hasn't even been established yet.  I may just be overly Old Fashioned, but honestly, when I talk to other women about this form of tack, I am invariably met with agreement: Sex has a significant place in D/s, but gentlemen... it should NOT be your starting point!

For instance, I came across an advert with a very detailed description of a gent wanting to tie me (the reader) up, whisper all the ways he was going to use me, and how 'wet' this was going to make me.  This is so staggeringly common, I can't even...  So, I liked that he used punctuation properly, and as it was an advertisement, I thought 'Why not go check out his Profile'.  Friends, I checked it out, and literally laughed out loud!  His Profile had NOTHING on it.  NOTHING!  After appreciating his grammar, I began to feel dirty, and not the right kind of dirty.  I felt like a piece of meat instead of something to cherish and teach.  It's not all this one guys' fault either!  I can't tell you how much time I spend fending off booty calls, as I try to forget them as quickly as possible.  Each time I decide to look at Profiles (here and on Fet), I have to steal myself up with a stiff shot of tea before opening listings because I'm always going to get an eye full of someone's fantasies, and very little information about what it is they're seeking.  Other than a booty call, of course. 

Some of you know that I took a break from The Cage recently, and have been dipping a toe into these murky waters again.  Tonight's Lead Brick has left me questioning my sanity, and feeling like I need to internally consume half the fresh bottle of hand sanitizer I've got hanging out in my kitchen.  I choose to be thankful to those that show themselves as they are when I come across Profiles that don't match my needs/desires, but honestly.... I feel cheated sometimes because of how MANY advertisements and Profiles share the same, smutty undertone.  Where is it written that The Cage or FetLife are places for others to accost and take hostage?  Yes, these are 'Alternative' websites, and I give a lot of leeway to others, especially newcomers, who are here to answer the call of their sexual sides, but seriously.... do any of you think I'm going to sit down at my device, write you a lovely message and make myself vulnerable to you because you're just on these sites to get laid?  How often is this line of attack really working?  Do you get much attention when you have a d*ck pic as your icon, and ask for nudes?  Has anyone out there thought about how much of an eyeful your penis, as an icon, makes?  Trust me, it hits home in ways you probably haven't thought about, and it turns loads of people off of you instantly. Your penis as an icon is an unwanted, unsolicited d*ck pic, and I, for one, rarely, if ever, open up Profiles or messages with icon pictures as such.  Gross.

Och!  I'm getting worked up, aren't I?  I am old enough to be able to practice Love and Tolerance most times, but tonight.... I am just really frustrated with the onslaught of fantasy hostage taking there is out there.  I usually stop reading after a few sentences, so no real harm is done to me, but I'm just so.... disappointed by the MASSES of men my age that try to get into my pants before bothering to get to know me.  It's disheartening to read all about the sexual fantasies, but little about the man behind them.  I am also sick of all of the one word messages, like 'Hey', and 'Hi'.  I am sick of all of the assumptions that I want to know how big your manhood is, all the ways you're going to use me (as a woman), and no effort to find out if I am actually interested in what you want to do to some woman out there.  Find some damned manners, and for the sake of all of those women who are searching for a true D/s, DD/lg, M/s, or any other sort of kinky connection, Use. Your. Brains.  Think of it like this:  how would you want your mother/daughter/female SO/etc., to feel when they entered a site like The Cage?  Would you really want them to feel like a piece of meat?  Would you want someone to feel degraded and unsafe because you went right from Point A to Point Sex?  Probably not.

I'll go out on a limb and say that most of you would not.  Most of you are really decent folk with a very kinky side, and I find that attractive.  I just felt like I needed to call some men out on the carpet and ask you if you're really getting what you're after by typing the words 'I wanna f*ck u blind gurl' (don't get me started on the major fail in punctuation either).  Or some semblance like that. **yuck**  Maybe save your fantasies for Blogs or Writings... I want you to express yourself, I just don't think it's appropriate in and advertisement, or in a Profile that is designed to entice someone into your kinky lair.  We all need to find out about limits, fetishes, and kinks, but what is it you're really trying to say when you put it on your profile?  What kind of depth are you searching for, and is your message being properly received?  Just thinking out loud tonight!  Thank you again for your time and energy!

Blessings,

Calendar Girl

I am hungry for solid D/s.  Earlier today, I had a conversation (or two) with a kink friend, and I mentioned that I have been feeling overwhelmed and sad.  We all know there is a lot of turmoil and uncertainty happening in the world right now, and that we're all impacted in some way.  I don't want to take anything away from the important changes happening around us, but I did feel compelled to write some thoughts out tonight.  I also spent part of today perusing other people's Cage Blogs and found a really great communication from someone that I can't remember, nor can I find their post again for reference.  Anyway, it had a screenshot of a conversation that basically said we don't need to continually focus on the bad things in life; we can take charge of our lives, and lean into the good things happening around us.  Sometimes we have to dig in order to find 'good things', but they're around us in abundance should we choose to seek them. 

I am guilty of sitting in my warm pile of self pity today, so I'm not calling kettles or pots any color.... I'm just talking about me, and my revelation.  For the most part, I'm a pretty grateful person.  I grew up well enough, but I, like all of us, have scars from childhood.  There were times when we didn't have enough, and had to get creative.  In my house, I never got the 'all clear' signal once the hard times ended.  There were years where I literally felt like if I ate lunch, our family would end up homeless, and I'd have to give my cat away.  In my 20s, I was taught that being grateful for what you have is vital to personal peace.  This is a lesson I have to be taught often, as I do forget to whip out my Gratitude List when I'm feeling low.  In this era of history, there are many, many things that bring me down.  I own my loneliness, but hang it all if I don't feel a bit resentful about it all.  I'm just hungry for things I don't have.  Heaven knows I get attention, but it's the struggle to find "The One" that trips me up sometimes.  Meeting neat potentials is exciting; being friend zoned is less exciting, but at least I get to make more friends and learn more about myself and others.  Today I read a bunch of news articles, and felt even worse as the day went on.  I was about to message a friend and flirt with him, but I felt so crappy about myself that I stayed silent.  That added to the general greyness in my mood.  By 3:00pm, I was feeling downright teary when I came across that screenshot about an 87 year old man being grateful for the minutia.  I was so struck by this screenshot/blog thing that I copied it and sent it to my down in the dumps friend right away, then added my own founded gratitude.  Today, I was grateful for crazy cats and a big fan... it's been hot today, and I'm not only lucky to live in a safe place, I have a fan and air conditioning to turn on should I get too uncomfortable.  I am also grateful that I got to have a Skype conversation with someone I know and trust.  All of this social distancing stuff is grating on my social butterfly nerves, and I forget that I can connect electronically when the social chips are down.

I am not all rosie and chipper just now, but I do feel better because I've taken the time to look for the good things in life and to be grateful.  There is a birds' nest just outside my bedroom window that has baby birds in it.  The momma bird gets quite angry when anyone comes down the path to my front door, but I get to listen to her sing to her babies in the morning and as the sun goes down.  I have mentioned my cats, and I'm lucky enough to have three critters that love me all the time.  All. The. Time.  They especially love me when it's Food o'Clock, but that's just bonus.  Letting them love me makes me feel.... well, loved.  One furry family member just curled up next to me as I type and is purring quite loudly.  In truth, I am loved.  Expanding my Gratitude List, I can include very real love from many sources.  My ex-husband used to tell me that I had 'excellent Social Capitol'.  Don't tell him I said he was right about anything, but..... he's right!  Ha, ha, ha!  He's actually right about a lot of things, but that's not for this Blog Post.  I am loved and loveable.  I will eventually find my missing puzzle piece, and I can absolutely hold on and be happy until then.  I can even be unhappy until then, and still be alright.  You see where I'm going with this?  The world seems to be falling to pieces around us when we look at big pictures.  Today, I'd like to suggest you look at smaller pictures if you're feeling low like I have been.  If you're feeling too overwhelmed to come up with small, grateful images, start even smaller.  All things change, and the low times give way to higher tides.

I'm hungry for solid D/s!  I miss it like I miss nothing else.  I have been hungry, and out of sorts, but I'm not starving to death.  Gratitude and some more patience will fill me up while I sift through the sand, and something good is coming.  Something good is already here.... this place!  The Cage!  I am so grateful that I can come to the table hungry and low, and be accepted and understood.  Thank you everyone for being part of the solution!  I am blessed!  So are you, dear reader!

Until later,

Calendar Girl

Hello, my friends!  Thanks for coming and reading some more of my thoughts and ideas.  Today's subject matter is about disagreements between my 18 year old daughter and me.  We don't argue often, but when we do.... WHEW!  It can get pretty intense if all of the argumentative planets are aligned!  This disagreement is in it's second day of bubbling over.  I spoke with her about dropping a class yesterday, and she took offense because I didn't think she should drop it.  To her, she heard me saying 'I am disappointed in you'.  Isn't it interesting how we can build up lies in our heads about what someone is thinking about us?  I have a saying... 'If you really want to know what someone is thinking about you, go and ask them'.  Today and yesterday, she knew enough to speak to me about what she felt I was implying.  So, I guess it's not a complete failure of a day.  In the past, I have told her that I'm disappointed in some of her behaviors, but seriously.... I spend most of my time building her up, not tearing her down!  Especially over a class she doesn't need in order to graduate.  Her father is a piece of trash, and I made the mistake of referencing him as compared to some of her behavior.  I had also said some things I needed to apologize for, and in fact, had already done so yesterday and this afternoon. The truce is very tenuous right now.

It came to me this evening.... an insight into how we work as mother and daughter. You see, I am a perfectionist.  As an artist, I often obsess over creations because they're not perfect enough to give or sell.  I am a perfectionist about my body, even though I feel like I'm failing at perfection in this area.  I strive for perfection in my work, and my dealings with others.  I try really hard to be a perfect mother, even though a perfect mother doesn't exist.  It struck me that she has taken my perfectionism as a mother as normal, and therefore holds me to a very high standard.  Mistakes I make take on this.... magnification, even if I've apologized or made it known that I was in the wrong.  She begrudgingly accepts my failings at times.  Sometimes, she gets so attached to my poor actions, that she can't see my positive ones.  It can be very frustrating. 

I am also wondering how high of a standard I hold her to if I am the perfectionist I say I am.  While I don't micromanage her, I have tried to raise an honest young woman, and a lady.  She can belch with the boys, and the F-bomb comes out of her mouth more than I think she realizes, but for the most part, she's very cordial and interacts with others well.  She's a really good person!  She works with the public, and is always getting compliments about her attitude and refined nature.  I think I've done pretty good, all things considered.  So.... am I holding her to an unrealistic standard because I hold myself to one?  Friends, I'm pretty sure I don't, but I just don't know tonight.  I feel so.... despondent and sad that I had to ask her to leave the room because she was screaming and crying.  In our home, we have a rule; you can discuss anything you want to when it's presented with respect and an open mind.  Screaming is unacceptable.  She's exhausted, and I'm quite tired myself, so bringing up heavy subjects would probably have been better left to tomorrow.  That's obviously too late, but I wanted to shed some light on our lifestyle.  Tonight she brought up a fallacy that equated to me not apologizing for something I said. For the record, I did apologize for saying something manipulative.  I'm saddened by my behavior, and I've done what I can to make it right.  She's super angry at me though, and no amount of apologies would have been enough tonight.  I tried to stop the conversation there as I don't need to repeat my apologies to validate them; I say it once because I mean it.  As I mentioned, she's exhausted, so I know she's not able to see or hear things in the same way she would if she weren't tired and hungry.  I also said something that unintentionally set her off, and the argument ended with me asking her to leave the kitchen because she was screaming and acting inappropriately.  I feel really sad about where the argument stopped.  They usually end in smiles and hugs.  

It's killing me that she's hurting so badly right now.  It would be nice to have a Sir right about now.  One that I could bring my anxiety and pain to; someone who can lead.  I've been single parenting and single for what feels like an eternity, and tonight.... I am wishing I had a lap I could cry into, and a mediator who loves my daughter too.  I hate that she's hurting, and I hate that I am, unintentionally, part of the problem that is hurting her tonight.  I would love for her to have a positive male role model/influence to lean into as well. I really would prefer having someone to love and give us guidance, but that's not happening any time soon.  Yet.... I'm an optimist as well as a perfectionist, so I feel like at some point, the solitude will give way to a positive and strong connection with a Him.  I guess I'm just feeling the distance tonight.

Thank you guys for listening!  I really am grateful for this outlet, and for all of the kind people I've come across here on The Cage.

Blessings,

Calendar Girl

Good evening my fellow Cage people!  I hope this finds you well and good!  Tonight's Blog post will be on the use of the word 'Dominant', and its variations in conversation.  I don't want to bag on anyone, but when someone posts something with the incorrect usage of 'Dominant' in it, I begin to wonder if they understand what being a Dominant really is.  Let this be a bit of a PSA then.  Let's get started!

1.  Dominant - Webster defines it as this: (adjective) most important, powerful, or influential.  When using this word, you are describing yourself.... you are 'a Dominant'.  You are not 'a Dominance'.  As an adjective, you are using Dominant to describe someone or something.  'He is a Dominant.' , or 'I am a Dominant' is appropriate usage.

2.  Dominance - Webster says: (noun) power and influence over others.  Dominance is more like a thing than a descriptive.  For instance, 'He is filled with Dominance, and I like that about him.'  You shouldn't use it like this 'He is filled with Dominants...'.  That implies that He ate a bunch of dominants, and is now full of them.  Yeesh... what a word picture!

3.  Dominants - This is the plural of Dominant.  You'd use in a sentence like this: 'The room was filled with Dominants!'  (what an exciting room!).  Or something like this 'She wondered where all the Dominants were at the party.'.  Make sense?  Unless you have multiple personalities, you can't be a Dominants.

4.  Dominate - (verb) have a commanding influence on; exercise control over.  As with Dominance, you are not a Dominate.  If I were to say 'Hey!  I hear you're a really strong Dominate...', I would leave the listener confused.  Instead, you'd want to use this verb thusly: 'I hear you're something special, and that you Dominate the competition...'.  

5. Dominated - (verb, past tense) Someone can be Dominated, but you are never a Dominated.  That would just be weird.

I know that not everyone likes to read or study word origins and their usages, but honestly, if you're going to take the time to write a profile, or send someone a message, please know that it gets a little hard to take someone seriously if they're using the incorrect version of Dominant.  That and it can become confusing. I know that typographical errors occur, and there may even be some in this blog and/or my profile.  I do try to get rid of those pesky critters, and I imagine those of you who are writing advertisements and profiles are trying to do the very same thing.  Like I said... I am not trying to bag on anyone or embarrass someone.  I'd like to give you a heads-up about the grammatically correct usages of Dominant and the like.  I want you to succeed, I really do!  

So, thank you for listening to my little war on incorrect grammar.  I really do hope it can help someone.

Blessings,

Calendar Girl

Okay!  So, Winter has come to my neck of the woods!  I do feel like we live in Winterfell at times, and today is one of those frigid Wonderland kind of days.  I actually love snow and cold nights beside a warm fire!  I may not like shoveling snow while icicles form on my eyebrows, but the silence snow brings is mesmerizing, even if we're still miles away from Thanksgiving. 

Today I enjoyed the quiet snow, doing chores, and folding small squares of vintage sheet music into the most adorable petals for a kusudama ball.  I've had some chaos surrounding my daughter that has required me to be vulnerable as well as The Ass Kicker.  Cleaning and/or crafting helps me step out of the darker moments in life, and I've been doing both for a few weeks now... crafting/cleaning and living with dark thoughts.  Some stupid boy put his hands on my daughter, and I'll just admit to seeing red when it first happened.  As many of us know, speaking out about your abuser often makes things feel even worse due to the seemingly endless amount of questions law enforcement and various authorities ask.  It's been really hard to watch my amazing daughter go through the shame and guilt most abuse survivors feel.  Being able to relate to what she is going through has left a profound mark on my soul too; being able to say 'Me too' kind of sucks.  While I haven't said this to my girl, I feel the sexual assault she experienced will be only one in a number of inappropriate things that will happen to her.  I took time to sit down and count the number of sexual assaults in my life, and just stopped counting after I got to five.  It breaks my heart thinking of my daughter's pain, and the pain of so many others.  It's equally as sad to know that most men won't speak out against sexual assaults. 

I have had several moments of 'this world sucks' over the last month or so, and I'm feeling so.... exhausted by it all.  Today my daughter called me between classes and before I answered I said a quick prayer that she wouldn't be in hysterics when I picked up.  I kid you not.... over the last 2 weeks, I've gotten at least 2 hysterical phone calls a day, and have felt so completely powerless to save her!  I won't go into how many times she's cried in my arms over this pain because these moments are numberless.... there have been SO many!  With that call, and in a most tender way, God as I understand Him helped my girl pick up the phone just to tell me that she got the No Contact Order signed and felt really strong and positive about it!  I teared up a little being so grateful for the change in her confidence!  God knows how much she deserves some peace and tranquility!

After hanging up, I pondered how cold I have allowed myself to become since her attack.  In crisis mode, I am cool, composed, and a deadly obstacle to anyone who threatens my people.  I am really good in crises, but fall apart once the initial adrenaline subsides.  Helping my girl get through the police questioning kept both of us feeling like things were just getting worse.  A lot of private information was brought up during questioning, and I felt myself harden even further.   How dare they dredge up private moments without her permission!  I know,  I know.... for the most part,  the police have a thankless job. The police and school administrators had to ask her embarrassing questions because this stupid boy was throwing her under the bus at every turn.  I thanked the Detective who took all of the statements, and thanked him specifically for doing such a good job with such a tender situation.  I even thanked the Vice Principal for his time and effort even though I'm still pretty irritated I wasn't called in during their questioning of my daughter.  She's almost 18, and there are no laws requiring anyone to notify me of any of those interviews.  Yup.... it's pretty messed up.

I remain warm and strong for my daughter, but I've noticed I'm feeling cynical the last few days.  I can feel myself getting colder as I go, and that's.... just.... not who I am inside.  I am definitely not happy-go-lucky, but I am generally lighthearted and happy.  I choose Joy.  I think maybe in the middle of all of this chaos I've forgotten to be intentional about choosing a lighter path.  I realized I was frowning today, and that showed me where I've become a little like the weather today; frigid.  I don't want to be Frozen Girl!  I wasn't built that way. 

Folding countless pieces of square paper pieces into ornate parts of a complex ball really pulled me back to rights today.  It takes 50 petals to make one kusudama/kissing ball.  You need 5 petals to make one flower, and you need 10 flowers to make a 'ball'.  I can fold the petals without looking at them much, so I've taken to watching a series or movie while I fold.  When I'm in 'the zone', I can fold enough petals to make one ball in a few hours. I didn't stop to count my petals today, but I did have enough in the pile to begin forming the 10, five petaled flowers needed to make one sphere.  I got a lot of relief from creating something from delicious smelling, vintage sheet music.  Watching the snow fall from the comfort of my warm living room, I felt a bit of my heart thaw and want to be warm again.  The nature of my solitary condition has also been making me feel cold and detached as well. In a lovely state of equilibrium this afternoon, I've seen where I am headed if I don't alter my thought process.  I definitely don't want to be 'Frigid Girl', so I'm stopping that stuff right now.  I fully anticipate tomorrow being an even better day too!  (Even if we're going to be in the teens for tomorrow's highs) :)

Thanks for listening, friends!  Here's to Joy!

calendar girl 

Morbid blog tag much???  I guess I do!  Here we go!

Last week, I was in the car with a friend, and we were listing all the things we used to do as a play group for our kids, when we drove past a place locals call 'The Duck Pond'.  The ducks are there in bossy numbers and can be quite aggressive when people feed them bread scraps. It should be named  'The Dangerous Duck Pond'!  Anyway... we're driving past the park area, and my friend says 'That's where lifeguard Calendar Girl swims!', and we started laughing about something very scary.

One early summer, we had a pack of kids and some moms come to the pond to play and swim.  I have one child, but there were 5 other children who were regular attendees in that play group. That day, we had 4 other kids with us... ten in total.  The mass of children made the mass of ducks go to the opposite side, and there was a lot of giggling and splashing that brought smiles to all of us.  While playing, one of the floaty toys blew away from the 4th graders.  The moms were very stern about letting it blow all the way across the pond where we could walk over and pick it up.  One little lady didn't listen, and began to swim out toward the middle of the pond.  I stood up when I saw her turn around to face us.  She turned away again and tried to swim out toward the floaty again, but something wasn't right. I am not a lifeguard, but I did get a junior lifeguard certification when I was 12.  I remembered the instructors telling us that drowning is generally silent.  The swimmer tires, and begins to bob under.  Most of their energy is being spent on catching the next breath, so calling out for help doesn't usually happen.  I saw that little girl start to bob, and could see the panic in her eyes.  The other kids got quiet too.  I called out to her that I was coming, and jumped into the water after slipping my shoes off.  It was horrifying to see her struggle!  By the time I got to her, she'd already swallowed a bunch of water, and when I touched her with my outstretched arm, she violently clung to me just like the Lifeguards taught us to expect.  I spoke softly to her while I turned her away from me, and let her rest on me as I floated.  She just needed to catch her breath.  She needed a calm voice to remind her that she was safe, and I just happened to be the mom who got to her.  The two of us floating safely above the surface was almost magical.  The sky looked endless as we floated, and the sounds around us were incredibly clear.  I could hear people wondering if we were okay, and in between softly spoken encouragement to my little duck, I called out that we were safe.  My loud voice seemed offensive given how quiet things had gotten.  We made it safely back to shore, and that little duck rested maybe 15 minutes before asking to go out to swim again!  Don't you love the fearless nature of most children?

I've been struggling a bit lately.  I've been feeling moody, and almost dark.  I've coiled inward on myself, and been silent about it.  I'm not in such dire straits that self harm or other destructive behaviors have surfaced, but driving past that pond on Thursday, and being reminded of my sloshy lifeguard skills reminded me that if I'm not careful, I'll go down in silence.  I don't want to be that girl, so I'm doing something about it.  I'm speaking so that I don't go out so far that I cannot return to shore or the safe arms coming towards me.

It gets a bit dark.  My loneliness, I mean. I am a social creature.  Long bouts of solitude can mold me into a stronger person, but excessive loneliness will take me under.  I know there is a Divine reason I'm not attached to anyone, just as I know there is a Divine encounter that will grow into healthy, loving D/s.  Today I spoke out, and had a good friend reach out to make sure I don't drown in my own headspace.  A fellow Cage-er offered some mentorship as well... it's meant a lot to me that both of these men would help me in my dry spell known as dating failure.  This forum keeps me talking too, and I'm very glad I came across this site all those months ago.  It is painful to be outside of active submission, but I'm surviving it well enough.  Thanks to you guys, and the kink community in general. 

I'm a lucky duck!

All good things come to those who wait.  That's the sentiment at least.  I can be an exceptionally patient person in most things.  I have a teenaged daughter that still speaks to me, and wants me in her life.  That requires inexhaustible patience.  I've earned my place in her heart with consistency and vulnerability.  I can catch wounded animals because I can be still for long periods, and non-threatening.  I have strangers unburden their woes to me in the grocery store too.... in general, I am approachable and, well, patient.  Forward that footage a little, and shine that light onto a D/s connection, and I begin to feel frustration. In my defense, I've been alone for quite some time.  I don't have it down to hours and minutes, but.... it's been a long time!  Well over a year in fact.  I know solitude has it's own form of peace and benefit; I've learned a lot about myself in my solitary form.  I've learned about intentional thinking.  I've learned I am enough.  I can even say 'I'm pretty amazing' without blushing!  Okay, so I still full body blush when I say it in front of others, but I've learned that it's the truth.  I, am a deep and loveable woman, and don't feel overly proud or blustery for saying so.  I am an excellent catch.  I think my issues stem from the ongoing chase.

Last year I tried to pick up dating several times, and quickly put it back down.  My daughter needed more of me, and she's a priority, and a great deal of joy.  I socked away the feelings of loneliness, and figured that when the timing was right, I'd pick up where I left off, and go forward from there.  Let's look at this several months later, and you come to my most recent attempt at navigating the wide world of dating.  Internet dating in particular.  I live in a smallish town, and to say my options for a mate are slim is generous.  I don't have a problem with relocation, so I look for connections outside of my own backyard.  My search is noble and good, so I'm pretty much willing to do whatever it takes to find a worthy Him to kneel before.  I'm on a few dating sites.  That sounds so lame!  Whatever!  It is what it is.  For kicks and giggles, I have tried quite a few dating sites on for size.  I had a really crappy experience on Tinder, and believe that site, generally speaking, doesn't promote what I'm after.  I'm not looking for hook ups.  I want long term returns, not a host of penis pictures in my 'In Box'.  Swipe right and leave me be. Kthxbai!  I have tried some high priced sites in order to weed through some of the faux Dom.  You've got to be pretty serious to lay down $75 a month for connections.  I'm pretty serious, so... there you go.  I'm trying some other sites that friends and fellow seekers have suggested, and have managed to successfully intertwine special BDSM/D/s lingo into my profiles.  I'm happy to say there are people out there that understand the code well.  I may be looking for love in vanilla places, but I'm never going back to a vanilla arrangement again.  

So... this last week has left me feeling frustrated (not sexually).  I'm looking for a needle in a stack of needles, and I get tired of all the pricks.  See what I did there?  Yeesh... nevermind!  I've got a few men in my zone that are interesting and interested.  These are good things.  It's the specificity of my quest that can sometimes leave me feeling lonelier than when I started.  I sometimes tire of the 'My name is this, I do this for a living, I am....', you get my drift.  It can get old pretty quickly.  Trying to help, my sister-in-law asked if there was speed dating in Montana, and I had to laugh.  No. As far as I know, there is no such thing here in the back 40, and I'm not even sure I'd go to such an event if there were.  I know, I know.... how bad do I want it, right?

I want it pretty damned bad!  I let my mind wander a little about how amazing submission is, and I feel my heart quicken.  I think about how different sex is when in submission, and my heart speeds up some more.  I picture myself kneeling by the front door, dinner nearly ready, and me waiting to welcome Him home, and I have to shut it all down.  Sometimes it feels so illusive, that even a light breeze or glance in that direction will spook my chances.  High yields take high energy, so each time I start talking to a man about what kind of D/s I'm looking for, I feel that buzzing or humming in my mind, and.... down it all comes as I go through one more 'number' before I can claim victory!  I've had people try to cheer me up by saying it's a numbers game.  They're right, but when the numbers are seemingly endless, it doesn't make me feel all that great. 

My friends, I am at a place where I'm running a bit low on patience, and yesterday I found myself wondering when it will be my time again.  I appreciate all of the encouragement and suggestions.  I've taken to looking at the Sir sized hole in my heart as an opportunity, not a shackle, and that's helped a lot. But... yesterday I was adulting something painful, and I just got a bit fed up with the whole 'Patience is a virtue' thing.  I'm doing better today, and feel peace about the search process, but hang it all!  I can't help but feel I'd be even more peace filled if I had a Sir's lap to lay my head on, and expel the hard topics on my mind.  Oh my golly do I miss submission some days!

Thanks for listening, friends!