Good enough.

So it will be another 2 weeks at least until I can return to my own home with my girls. It is beyond stressful and I can't help but feel like a burden to my dad. Not only that but my sister started to text me today asking when everything is done because she's giving me her old furniture. She than guilt trips me by saying they can't let their dogs roam (I don't see how the house is huge) bc they have the couch they are giving me stacked in one corner of the room.

The stress of it all is really getting to me. It sometimes becomes overwhelming. So glad I can talk to Him about it though :) 

But on to a different story. My oldest daughter got Luigi's mansion 3 for xmas... I asked her if I could play it because it's one of my favorite games... well I beat it... completely.... in 3 days.... now what am I going to do with my time? Lol. That also doesn't include reading 4 books and cleaning both girls rooms at my house so we can just move back in when we return home.

I also got to use tools (whose idea was that anyway?!) And used a sledge hammer to destroy an old captains bed. God that felt good and got out some of my stress and anger.  Than I got anger again putting together my toddler's new bed. But I haven't felt this productive in a long time and I am getting stuff done that has been needing to get done. :)

As always be kind.

PandaBear

Usually I love this time of year. I love all the pwetty lights and the colors.  But this year for some reason I'm having trouble getting into the season. I'm putting on my happy face for my kids. Pretending all is okay.. when inside I just want to throw a tantrum and give up. And yes I mean a literal tantrum. Like throw yourself on the ground and kick and scream until I feel better.

I obviously can't/won't do that. But I want to so bad. It was supposed to be our first Christmas in our own home and that got ruined by the flood that happened the Sunday after thanksgiving. So my girls and I are still staying with my dad at his and my mom's house.  It's quiet the adjustment and it's hard.

We just did my mom's Christmas for my kids on Saturday before she headed back up to new York. I got a new stand mixer that I've wanted for years but was always told I had to have my own house first.  

I'm just stuck in a funk I can't seem to get out of. I'll be okay. I always am.

Remember always be kind

PandaBear

So my house flooded completely Sunday night down stairs. There was a clog in my.main drain pipe outside that caused yucky water to back up and flood everything. All I have to say is THANK GOD FOR HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE. 

If it wasn't for that I wouldn't be able to return to my own. It's already starting to mold in my carpet and my kitchen floor/cabinets and dishwasher are completely  destroyed.  

Company is coming out tonight to clean up/dry out the rest of the nastiness that is left in my house. It's disgusting and I hate it now. 

Currently staying at my father's house with the kids to keep them away from the disgustingness that is my house currently. A contractor will be out tomorrow to see everything that needs to be replaced... which is almost everything I own downstairs. 

But that's okay! At least the pipe wasn't broken and my insurance covers it!!!

As always be kind!

Panda bear<3

It's only 10:55 am and the day has already gone to shit. My kitchen sink floods often anytime we do wash the laundry in the washer or drain the tub too quickly. To accommodate for this I've learned to only do small loads of everything. Including bathing (shower is currently broke but will be fixed soon). I asked for some help with the laundry today (my mistake I know) bc my toddler wanted to hang all over me. 

My ex came downstairs so proud that he got everything into the washer (should point out it was 3 large loads of laundry so at least 5-6 small/medium loads). I made the statement that the sink will flood and he told me to shut up it won't happen...

Well needless to say... 10 minutes later we hear the sign of the sink flooding. I rush into the kitchen trying to control the damage as he strolls upstairs to stop the washer/get towels. He makes his way back downstairs and is so busy in his phone that I'm trying to rush and do everything. Toddler wants to play in the dirty water so I'm constantly moving her back into the living room whole grabbing the towels from him to mop up the water. 

I'm getting frustrated and angry.  What the hell is so important on the stupid phone that he can't seem to help me?! (Hint it's a game!!!!) So I make the statement "seriously I could use some help!" As I move our toddler away again. He gets pissed.  Starts screaming and yelling than throws, yes THROWS, his phone across the room putting a hole in the wall in the hallway. My only response is to throw him out for now..

I unfortunately will have to let him back in as he has no where else to go. And I have no way to pay the bills other than him and his job for the time being.(the way he demanded it be!) 

Come the new year my mom is helping me get my CDA for childcare so I can try to get a job at a day care. Somewhere I can bring my toddler with me. All I have to say at this point is honestly thank God my oldest child wasn't home. I don't need her thinking this behavior is okay or acceptable in any way shape or form. 

I needed to vent and get this all off my chest. Stress levels are high. Yesterday was amazing and I actually went into little space (something that happens so rarely it actually surprised me) for a little bit. Granted it was at night and alone in my room but it still happened.

As always spread peace, love and kindness. You truly never know who might need it...

I've been wanting to paint a clack board wall in my house since we bought in back in April.  Well today the urge finally kicked in to get it done! 

But what's the best part about painting?! Getting to be half naked while doing it!!!! Yes!!!! Lol. Can't get black paint all over my clothes...

Plus painting brings out the little in me and I'm a very giddy happy girl right now :)

I've debated long and hard about making this post. But I've decided to do it. 

If you've read all of my blogs you'll know I was once with a "dom". I haven't seen him since a few years after high school. He had gone off and joined the military and upon his return he searched me out. But I'll say this again and again back than I was young dumb and thought it was love. 

I should have learned from when him and I dated in high school that it wasn't normal. We used to play bloody knuckles all the time (holding a fist on a flat surface and letting someone fling quarters into your knuckles as hard as they can. First person to draw blood won.) Well obviously I was terrified to even try and play this game with him... he used to have his friends hold my fist onto the table to hit his mark. This is just one example of many things that had happened back than.

But anyway back onto the main part. Well I had seen him since he was my "dom" all those years ago (8 years ago). Well the other day my mom and I went to the local taco bell and low and behold who was there... him... working the drive through window...

It seems every time my life is getting back on track, he magically shows up with his stupid smile. I think the entire worse part of even seeing him, was him acting like nothing had ever happened and showing me pictures of his son... 

I guess the reason this bothered me so kuch is bc the last time I had seen him "I was an idiot for getting pregnant and having a baby. How could I be so stupid". He had cussed me out in the middle of my street bc I was being him to stay (again, young dumb thought it was love).

I don't like that seeing him has an effect on me at all. I thought I was over this when I saw him dating my cousin years ago. I thought I was over this when I saw him across a parking lot. I thought I was over this all together.  I didn't except that I would have to put on a happy face in front of my mom and act as if it had never happened.  I didn't except him to openly say, in front of his coworkers who were interested in who he was talking to animately to, that it's okay I'm a good friend from high school. Last we talked he hated me and never wanted to see me again.

He even threatened to kill me if I had ever called or texted again...

I guess the reason it affected me so much... is because I never thought I would see him so happy and sure of himself. I guess I just didn't know how to handle it. 

But I can honestly say... I'm still scared... that taco bell is one of my favorite places to take my kids for a cheap lunch and I'm terrified to return there. What if he suddenly remembers his threat to me? What if he thinks I'm stalking him.  

My God I'm so scared... but as always I'll be okay. I have to be. I'll be strong and work through this like I always have too. Even if it means we don't go to taco bell for awhile.

As always be kind and enjoy your lives.

Today is supposed to be a day of thanks. So I am thankful for my children and my mother. I'm thankful for all the good in my life. 

But on the other hand I'm so tired and fed up. I was nice and let my ex sleep in until 9 this morning considering I've been up since 5 this morning to get everything done and ready for this afternoon (we do lunch in my family). Instead he wakes up and it's instantly hell from the minute he comes downstairs. Add this to the hell he gave me last night at the grocery store and it's been a fun freaking day!  Constantly fighting with him while havin to put on a happy face for my family drives me crazy.

But today the truth of him came out to my family. They've told me several times I was crazy and that there was no way he is the way he is. Well my mom has been at my house since 6 this morning and witnessed everything. She told me after the fact that shed never seen him like that and she couldn't believe how he was acting. Like a child she said! Made me feel so validated that someone else finally saw it all!!!!

But that's just how everyday life is for me currently. Cannot wait to be standing on my own 2 feet so I can get on with a better and happier life for myself.

Wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving. Remember to enjoy your peace and keep kindness going!!!!

It's amazing how calming baking can be. There I know everything has to be exact to give me the results I want.  What's currently baking is a cookies and cream cake I'm making for my mom's birthday tomorrow. I've never made one before so here's to hoping it goes right. 

But once again I find myself stressed about things I cannot control.  I was hoping making this recipe tonight would help calm me but instead it has just added to my stress. Idk how much more of all this stress I can take. I end up not sleeping at night (not that my toddler let's me anyway) than get maybe a 3 hour nap in during the day. And that's if I'm lucky.

But this time I can honestly say I did this one to myself. And I just have to own it. Whatever the consequences are, I have to deal with them. It's just how life works sometimes and I need to put on my big girl panties and get over it. 

I'll be okay. I always am. But until than, happy thoughts and remember kindness always.

I'm at a birthday party for my best friend right now and my social anxiety is at an all time high. I can't help it. There is too many people here I don't know. And there's only 8 of us! This is out of control. My little keeps trying to come out but no one here knows about her and I'm terrified. Ugh.

Dare I Hope? Dare I dream of better things? I'm hoping things will get better. I'm hoping things won't be so broken within me. But it seems the more I hope the more things just fall apart.

I always try to see the bright side and try to look towards the best but lately I've said "f*** this" and thought nothing good. I've gone from being a hopeful person to someone who is completely hopeless. I don't like being this way. It's happened once before and the amount of help I needed afterwards was insane.

I want to be hopeful. Hopeful of what the future might hold. Hopeful of being happy. Hopeful of being in love again. And yet anytime it seems to be happening here comes the negative thoughts. I try to fight them I really do. I try all the things my therapist says to do. "Put a positive spin on it." She says. But what do you do when you can no longer see the positive side of things?

I'm still hopeful to be in love again. I'm still hopeful for better things to come. And I'm still hopeful altogether. That's just something I need to remember. I am hopeful.

(Sorry for my silly rambling tonight.)