Good enough.

I'm so tired and frustrated today. I had a plumber come out last week to fix the pipes from backing up in my house. Turn around today as I'm leaving to take my oldest child to therapy I notice a shit ton of water in my drive way and going down to the street. Get out to investigate if it's coming my my ex's car or were it could be coming from.

Nope my entire front yard is soaking wet. Every time I take a step in it it's soaking wet. Had to change from my sneakers to flip flops bc it's that fucking wet. I think a drain pipe might have burst in my yard.

When will I catch a break with this stupid house. I'm starting to regret buying it. Ugh.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a replacement. Like all I've ever be good for is a stepping stone to fix a heart break or loneliness. Like no one will ever want me to keep me. Just as something to use and toss to the side. I'm tired of feeling this way but it just seems to keep repeating.

I get attached. It's who I am. I like to have that connection and need it. But sometimes I fear it's going to get me hurt. It's a valid fear considering it's happened more than I care to admit. I even get attached to my friends.

It's the connection I need. It's just something that happens. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can take getting attached to anyone (friend or otherwise) to end up hurt again and again.

I know I'll be okay. I always am. I always fight to make it through but sometimes I just want to throw in the towel.

What do you do when your mind w ont stop running and your in a baking mood? The answer for me is very simple. You make cookies!!!! All the cookies you could ever want. Peanut butter, m&m's and chocolate chip, and sugar Cookies! I love to bake!!!!

I want to keep baking but sadly I've run out of sugar and now my mind is running away with itself again.  But that's okay. I'll be okay. I'll get through this like everything else.

So the other day I felt broken and not good enough for anything. Today i feel amazing.  Like i am floating on a cloud. Its probably because i got disney+ and am watching all of my favorite movies again and again. It also makes me a very happy little to be able to enjoy it. I even made a fort! But shhh don't tell anyone that I did! It was nice to let my little side out for a little while and just embrace it. I think that has made a huge difference in my mood.

And yet I know when the tough gets going the going gets tough so I'm here. I'm standing on my own 2 feet and damn it I will fight to be strong.  I'll fight to be happy. I'LL FIGHT TO BE ME!!!!

My spirit is broken. I feel lost and confused. A lot happened yesterday that has left me in this state. So what do I do when I feel this way? I bake... well I made cake batter cookies with a homemade buttercream frosting... and I cooked steaks and a pasta for dinner. After finishing I still felt lost.

Yesterday my ex threatened many things he was going to do to himself if I didn't take him back. (Yes we still live together for the kids). He threatened to harm himself on many different levels that I had to call someone else to help me. Thank God his dad can talk him out of anything.

But today? I feel so broken. Just destroyed. Was life with me really that awful that someone should make such threats? I didn't think I was that bad. So now here I sit trying to find a job that isn't seasonal so I can get back onto my own 2 feet. I just feel crushed.

This marriage has been so emotionally bad for me that I don't know if I'll ever get into another. It's literally broken me. I do know I'll probably never be able to fully trust again and that scares me. How can I find what I want more than anything else if I can't trust? 

I have a long road ahead of me. I need to continue my therapy and refind myself. It's going to take awhile but I am stronger than this. Even if right now I'm broken beyond belief.

My spirit is broken. I feel lost and confused. A lot happened yesterday that has left me in this state. So what do I do when I feel this way? I bake... well I made cake batter cookies with a homemade buttercream frosting... and I cooked steaks and a pasta for dinner. After finishing I still felt lost.

Yesterday my ex threatened many things he was going to do to himself if I didn't take him back. (Yes we still live together for the kids). He threatened to harm himself on many different levels that I had to call someone else to help me. Thank God his dad can talk him out of anything.

But today? I feel so broken. Just destroyed. Was life with me really that awful that someone should make such threats? I didn't think I was that bad. So now here I sit trying to find a job that isn't seasonal so I can get back onto my own 2 feet. I just feel crushed.

This marriage has been so emotionally bad for me that I don't know if I'll ever get into another. It's literally broken me. I do know I'll probably never be able to fully trust again and that scares me. How can I find what I want more than anything else if I can't trust? 

I have a long road ahead of me. I need to continue my therapy and refind myself. It's going to take awhile but I am stronger than this. Even if right now I'm broken beyond belief.

So self care is always something I have been bad at. I usually forget to drink water (almost the entire day) feed myself amongst other things. Well I just had a big scare because of it. I was upstairs with my toddler when I suddenly felt extremely faint. I sat down took a couple of breaths and it still didn't work. Well shit... how am I supposed to get downstairs to my phone? I crawled across the hallway entirely too scared to stand up and made it to my bedroom where I happen to keep a bottle of water. I drank the entire thing than went to my oldest child's room while crawling and drank her bottle too. I finally felt well enough to go downstairs so I slowly made my way down and drank 2 more cups of water. When I finally sat down again I was trying to figure out what had happened. Than I remembered... all I've had to drink since 7 this morning was a sip of water and a little bit of milk. Well no shit I felt like I was going to pass out! I was dehydrated as anything!

Sometimes (90% of the time) I get so caught up in my kids. One is in a walking boot right now with a severely sprained ankle and a possible fracture to her growth plate and the other is 3. So I never seem to stop going.

One of the biggest things I discuss in my therapy is self care. Her favorite statement? "You have to take care of the cow for a healthy calf." I honestly don't like the cow part of the statement but it makes sense. How am I supposed to be a good mama if I let myself get so bad that I almost pass out? It was only my toddler and I home. I could have been seriously hurt if I passed out where I had been standing. 

So just remember to make sure you take care of yourself and I'll try to remember it too! As always be kind and have a good day/night!

I had therapy today. To say "I'm okay" would be a lie. So instead I will say I am trying and eventually I will be okay. The incident that happened last week still weighs heavily on my brain/heart. We talked a lot about it. We said forget our usual therapy sessions (honestly it wasn't far off from the usual) and discussed it in full details.  All of it. I am not okay. I will get better.  

On of the hardest things for me is trust. All she kept saying again and again is do I trust and believe what I was saying. Do you know how hard it is to trust something when you don't trust yourself? Let me tell you... It's FUCKING HARD. It is exhausting.  It is something I'm learning to do but it's hard. It really is hard.

I've had numerous people in the past ask me how I could trust others so easily but never trust myself? Back than I was a teenager and just laughed it off. But when that was brought up today I shut down. Why do I trust others so easily, but can't trust myself? Than it hit me. I can trust others so easily because if they betray me it's right there. Black and white. They fucked up. They did it. But when it's yourself? And you're the one to break your own trust than what? To me I end up sitting in a gray area. Like I'm locked in a room.

I remember one time, back when I did trust myself, how devasted I was when I failed to be true to myself. I honestly don't think it's ever been the same since than. But once again, I was just a teenager.

These are just the thoughts on my mind today and I ready myself for bed. But I'll be up for several more hours. I hope everyone has a good day/night.  And please remember to be kind. <3

The other day I was told that I am entirely too nice. I questioned what she meant and she just shrugged saying I'm too nice. So I sat down and starting thinking about it. Her statement came after I comforted a total stranger in the street who was in tears over the shooting that had happened. I couldn't stop myself. My youngest was in her stroller and I knew she'd be safe so I walked over and hugged a random person giving words of encouragement. She thanked me over and over for helping her and trying to comfort her. But than as I said afterwards my neighbor told me I am too nice. 

I never thought showing compassion and sympathy (on top of my empathy) meant I was too kind/nice. But that I remember I've been told before that I am too kind. The last time I was told I was too kind was after someone took advantage of me financially. They gave me a sob story about their kids needing medicine (story ended up not being true.) So I gave them my last $20, which meant i ended up without a doctor's appointment, so I was too kind.

Since when is being nice and caring about people being too kind? When did the world turn into this? I didn't have the greatest of upbringings. Was tortured everyday. One of the things I live by is; try to make someone smile because you never know what they are going through. A little kindness can go along way. 

So I leave this blog tonight with it's okay to be too kind. I could tell you thousands of different reasons as to why someone would call me too kind. But kindness is something this world needs. So be kind and share a smile, you never know who's day you might brighten up. :)

Why am I like this? Always get somewhere I want to be than have to go and fuck it up? Seems like it happens everyone. I think I'm finally getting to where I want and getting what I want than i open my stupid mouth and mess things up. When will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut?... But wait.. if I keep my mouth shut how will others get to know me? How will others know how much I care? How will others know how much of an EMPATH I am... 

The other night I heard something horrible happen in my neighborhood. Someone was shot and killed... I heard everything...the. gun shots the screaming the crying the begging for help... than I heard the ambulance arrive... I heard the cops... I watched people all over my neighborhood gather all together to see what was happening. The emotions that happened and surrounded my home that night was overwhelming sadness. I cried for someone I've never met before. I cried for his family and friends that are hurting. I cried from the pain everyone was feeling. 

Being such an EMPATH is hard... I'm physically drained today and opened my stupid mouth and said something I shouldn't have. I messed up an amazing friendship I had just bc it is so hard to understand all these overwhelming emotions. I just don't get why when I get this way I try to explain how things feel I get angry and mad that they don't seem to understand. "Get over it" or "there's no way you could feel all that" and my favorite is a point that I already made "but you didn't even know the guy". 

Sorry for this post. I needed to get it of my chest and out of my head. I will be discussing this all with my therapist on Tuesday. I'm just having a hard time adjusting and I know it. Please forgive me if I seem snappy or rude. Hope everyone has a good day.