Good enough.

Yesterday my toddler had allergy testing done due to a massive hives outbreak that has been going on for months. Made the appointment to be seen back in March and of course the first available was yesterday. Come to find out my toddler is extremely allergic to my 4 cats. The allergy scale goes from 0-4. 0 being no reaction and 4 being an extreme reaction. Well I own 3 cats... and guess what came back as a greater than 4 reaction.... that's right you've guessed it.... a cat allergy... my toddler is extremely allergic to my cats and om devastated. So now I'm revoking them. The kittens will be going back to the women I adopted them from and the older one I'm hoping this lead follows through. I'm just so heart broken about it but have to do what's best for my toddler.

In my quest to make friends and become more of my true self I have had several people commenting on my size. I'm a BBW.  It's true. The last thing you should ever do, especially the first time we speak, is say "You'd be prettier if you lost weight." Or "I can help you lose the weight and have the body you always dreamed of." Oh and my all time favorite is "it's not rude to tell you that you are fat and bring nothing to the table". If this is all your going to say keep your darn comments to yourself! 

I personally have struggled with my weight since 3rd grade, so it's not like it's something that just happened.  It's been a life long battle! And on top of that WHO SAYS I'M NOT HEALTHY OR HAPPY THE WAY I AM?! I can say honestly I am a healthy person minus my weight. Yes I am a Little out of shape but if my own doctor doesn't have a problem with it why should you a complete stranger have a say in it? Oh that's right, YOU DONT!! So just take your nasty and mean comments and shove it!

Sorry for my angry rant it's just this has happened to me now several days in a row and I feel it's getting out of hand. No reason to bring my size into it if you cant handle it. Plus no one said i had "wanted" you as a dom. You just assumed it. 

Hope everyone else has a fantastic day.

So I have had a very hard time accepting I'm a little.  I don't know why I am but I am. I struggle with it often and try not to let it show but someone today asked me "are you sure you're not a little?" Which of course took me by surprise. How can something I've been fighting so hard be so obvious to someone else. He tried to encourage me to embrace but for some reason it's just so hard. I am a mom with responsibilities, how am I supposed to embrace it with open arms? 

But than I see a lot of you posting about your little side and it really does encourage me to try and embrace it. So I just want to say thank you to all you littles out there who make it look fun and okay to accept. I'm sure I'm still going to struggle with it for a little while but here's to embracing who I am.

Isn't is interesting how we can mean so much to someone at one point in time than nothing at all? How they can be on out minds 24/7 and how it would be amazing but now if they even cross it sometimes it can kill a good mood. It's also interesting how they can swear they care and all these other things just to turn around and hurt you. 

I had someone the other day call me the "c" word. It's one word I will not tolerate to be called. He called me it because this past few weeks I have been a bit of a "brat" in his eyes. To me it was just me expressing my concern about certain things. I didn't know that saying something is bothering me or asking questions was being "bratty"... since When? I was respectful the entire time I was asking. Never once showed disrespect. I just don't understand how I could be a "disrespectful c-word". I was called this because he said "you are a good sub but one day when you get your feelings under control you'll be a great sub." Now if you have been following my blogs you'll know I am insecure and suffer with depression... my reply was simple... "sometimes I disagree Sir." I never expected it to take the turn it did. I didn't expect him to call me the one word I told him no too. His response when I said he went to far? "Well what do you want me to call you when you've been a c-word these past couple of weeks." 

It totally shocked me. I stopped replying and refused to again today. Am I wrong in thinking I didn't deserve that? So what if I said something was going to far? I was never disrespectful during it. Maybe Im just crazy. I just don't know anymore. He knows that word brings up past traumas for me and yet he stilled called me it. I just don't get it.

So at today's therapy we talked all about self love. Needless to say I was in tears for 90% of the session. It's a long road ahead but it will be worth it all to feel love towards myself. Something I haven't felt since I was 10 yrs old.

I'm a stay at home mom. While it's a joy to be able to do this it is also very draining. Adult conversation is not something I get very often and when I do finally get an adult to talk to i tend to go overboard... I'm just very lonely. I am separated in my marriage but we do not want to upset and disrupt my children, especially the oldest who suffers from anxiety and depression just as I do, so we still live together.(Yes she's getting help for it.) It just So lonely sometimes. We do everything in our power not to upset them but sometimes him and I just don't get along. It can make me feel like an outsider in my own home. Life is complicated and hard. And honestly exhausting. But I will always do what's best for my kids. Even if it means I'm just a lonely person.

For most thinking is a normal thing. Never get to caught up into the what if's or what could be. The should've, could've, would've type deal. But lately that's all I can think about. I have bad anxiety and sometimes it can keep me up at night. Literally just asking the what if. 

Well now as I am laying in bed for the night I'm wondering what if I left the cage for a little while. Maybe I should leave all together. Maybe I should stay and continue to do my search. But than I think what if I leave and never find what I am looking for or what I crave the most.

Life can be interesting to say the least. Things get jumbled up. Things don't happen the way you thought they should. Things fall apart without you understanding why. Yet here I stand after having gone through everything I have and wondering what if.

This post is like my usual posts so please forgive me.

So I have started seeking therapy to help me with my past. I can honestly say so far so good but than again it's only been 2 sessions. 

But before those sessions started I learned a very important lesson, even if they seem to be the one, if they don't care for your feelings or your opinion on a matter than they don't care about you. It was quiet the eye opening thing  to notice but so glad I did. So here I stand again ready to start taking my steps forward and to keep moving on.

Today I have been told I am a horrible person. I do not like to think I am but I have been told it enough lately to believe that it is true. I do not want to be this way. I do what is best for my kids. Do everything I can to make sure they want for nothing while also making sure they are not spoiled rotten. I try to give every chance I have and when I can give no more I apologize. Does that make me a horrible person?

Maybe it's the fact that sometimes I wake up in "moods" as I call them where I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything except for sit in my misery. But I always make sure to let people know when they message me. Sometimes I just need my space. Does that make me horrible?

Sometimes I lose my temper. I know that well and for a fact. Sometimes I get mad and see red to the point that I scream and yell. But that usually happens in reaction to something.. Does that make me Horrible? 

I don't quite understand why I am a horrible person but apparently I am. No matter how much I tell myself I am not it seems to keep coming up. 

I'm sorry I'm so horrible. I honestly do not try to be. I try to be such a nice person. But sometimes even nice people have a bad day...

(This is in reflection to something that happened r/l. I don't often feel this way but needed to express myself somehow.)

Do you want me? Am I worth it? Should I give up and try again later? Am I pretty enough? Have I been hurt to much? Am I worthy of love?

These thoughts penetrate my mind every waking day for months at a time. They come and ago as passing waves but when they come they tend to stay. I can't help what my mind says to me and what it makes me think. 

Too fat. Too ugly. Too clingy. Too possessive. Too hurt. Too much of something. But not enough of everything.

It can really take a toll on someone who lives with these thoughts day in and day out. Yet I try. You'll often see me with a smile. If you get to know me well enough you'll notice it's a sad smile. The only time I really smile is for my kids. But than of course that starts the other thoughts.

Am I good enough for them? Am I doing a good job? Am I a good mother or a failure by far? 

Often people tell me I'm doing amazing and how I can I agrue that? And yet I always find a way. Because these thoughts are often. Never leaving and always with me.