OraclePollon(sub female){NotYours}

A Demi in Isolation

Whimsical thoughts. Never wrong and never right. Not an artist or a writer by any stretch of the imagination. I am just, me. I have stopped questioning it.

When Co-Dependency is the Blame Game

4 years ago. November 7, 2020 at 7:42 AM

To be co-dependent. It has been, harshly, vocalized in this community. I did not know what it was before I came here. That there was a word for it... but there is a word for everything I am finding. I am just bad at words. One word can have so many meanings, so many intentions... but that is another blog. One I am not prepared to write.

I felt shame. Someone said co-dependent to me and I knew that was me. How could it not be? Isn't it the job of the submissive to be dependent on her Sir. This was my initial, defense mechanism. Coupled... or you could say, 'co-ed', always trying to rely on my Dom to be that force I could lean on, that I knew could make decisions. Instead, being not independent enough, was a big, or more so final (since it was my first time hearing it towards my last ending relationship. I remained ignorantly unaware... again... another blog) attack to my relationship. So of course I thought that was me. So much so, I hissed. I tried to defend being co-dependent.

I wasn't. I know that now. I will agree that I was not the fierce, witty, excitably independent person I had been when I entered into that relationship. I was being submissive after all. The funny thing is... as soon as it was over, I went right back to that person. Then I did what I do... and wondered why. Why I couldn't be that person in the dynamic as well.

I was. That is the conclusion I have made. I was that person, waiting to be. Something I now remember, I had mentioned. Asked for. Permission to be that person. But it took work, planning, routine. All things that I have for myself when I am at my happiest. I specifically asked to be told when I was not needed, when I could stop doting, when I did not have to perch on the precipice of service. To spread my wings and take flight, knowing that I would return to my place with the faintest whistle from the one I cherished. Funny how you don't always remember these things in the moment.

That never came. It was never granted. Mostly, I know today, because it was never understood. In the end, still it was turned and used against me. But what I did get from it, is I know today I was not co-dependent. I was simply locked away. Here I am, and I am soaring.

So in fear of leaving this thought underdeveloped. Where I would have fought against the idea that co-dependency was a bad thing. I know now, that it is just another of these terms used in BDSM that can be misunderstood, or worse, used to hurt someone. Not to say it doesn't exist, and is not toxic, from what I have learned since, trying to learn more about what I thought was myself. But it is easy to think you are something you are not, especially when there is a presence that keeps telling you, you are. Do your research, and enjoy learning along the way.

Thank you for flying with me,

~Oracle.

SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Co-Dependent is NOT a BDSM word. It is a Psycology word and it is not healthy or anything related to being submissive. You can be a Dom and be "Co-Dependent".....

You are describing a Master/slave dynamic, not just a Dom/sub dynamic., And certainly NOT a Co-Dependent relationship.

Talk to Karyn for more information. This is a topic she is better qualified to discuss.

4 years ago

OraclePollon(sub female){NotYours} - I honestly look back and think a lot of this particular Dom's accusations were just projections of his demons onto me to make me the bad guy and then attack me. I don't resent him for it, just glad he is gone and hope to never talk to him again.

So I agree when you say that a Dom can be just as co-dependent as anyone. You can see it in some controlling mechanisms that the unhealthy ones promote.

4 years ago

Morley(sub female){Max Sterne} - Thank you SBD... I read this and all shit ton of alarms were going off.

OraclePollon, SBD is correct - Co-dependcy has NOTHING to do with BDSM, I actually wrote a post on Submission vs. Codependcy. Being codependent is extremely UNHEALTHY... And makes any relationship extremely toxic. Knowing the difference between the two is very important.

Also, What every person should strive for in a relationship is INTERDEPENDENCE... That is a Healthy relationship, that is what I believe, a healthy M/s D/s etc. dynamic should be.

I am happy to read that you are self aware and free to be independent! That is such a great place to be, and healthy! A co-dependent person doesn't set boundaries and doesn't know even where their needs lie to that of others. When I read " I specifically asked to be told when I was not needed, when I could stop doting, when I did not have to perch on the precipice of service." That to me is nothing of a co dependent, because you knew what you wanted and asked, just not granted.

If you ever want to chat, I would be happy to. 🌸💕🌸

4 years ago

OraclePollon(sub female){NotYours} - Allow me to correct. Not a BDSM term, I heard it only when I came to this community.

Thanks for the offer! I am where I want to be in life and I was never confined by the accusation, it was just something I had to live through.

But I like that thought - Interdependence. I think that is what Evolved may be talking about above.

4 years ago

Mama Bear JJ(dom female){koa} - I can't speak to co-dependency, since it isn't something I've experienced. Independence is both a natural part of my personality, sometimes to a fault, and something I have had to be more often than not because the people throughout my life whose role it was to care for me and protect me never did.

Like you, I struggled with my independence when I entered a dynamic as a submissive for the first time, I honestly think most submissives do ... it's not something to feel bad or guilty about. Submission is a learning process just like everything else. I thought independence was something you gave up, that you were meant to be dependent on this other person for everything. The first mistake in that thinking is that they aren't always going to give you everything you want and need, whether it is just everyday life or outright neglect. Sometimes you are going to have to take care of yourself and tell yourself what you need to do. And the second mistake in that thinking is something else new (and sometimes long-time) submissives struggle with just as much, not thinking they have a voice ... that they can't ask for what they want and need, that they have to wait for it. We are all our own person, whether we consider ourselves independent or not, and we always have the right to ask for what we want and need, especially when it is something that has been established and we aren't receiving it.

I was fortunate enough to learn, or rather remember these things, within the first six months of my first dynamic as a submissive. We separated, I remembered my independence , and we came back together with my wants and needs clearly defined up front and the knowledge that I would use my voice if I didn't get them and take care of them myself when he couldn't ... and that was okay, we were both better for it. The right Master/Dom/Daddy will not only understand that these things are okay, they will generally support it, because it makes their job a hell of a lot easier and their slave/sub/little or middle much happier, and the wrong one will deny you these things, your independence, your voice. That is never okay. If those kind of red flags go off, run.

You should never lose a part of who you are (a positive part) or lose the ability to care for your own self and your own well-being because of someone else, submissive or not. You are ultimately responsible for you, not someone else. It is okay to "depend" on someone for those things, it is not okay to become "dependent" on someone for those things. There is a huge difference, an important lesson to learn.

4 years ago

OraclePollon(sub female){NotYours} - `So in fear of leaving this thought underdeveloped. Where I would have fought against the idea that co-dependency was a bad thing. I know now, that it is just another of these terms used in BDSM that can be misunderstood, or worse, used to hurt someone. Not to say it doesn't exist, and is not toxic, from what I have learned since, trying to learn more about what I thought was myself. But it is easy to think you are something you are not, especially when there is a presence that keeps telling you, you are. Do your research, and enjoy learning along the way.`

I can see that in my attempt to clarify, I actually screwed up xD. So apologies to everyone. When I said "When I fought against the idea that co-dependency was a bad thing" I still meant it is a bad thing... for some reason that came out wrong and my attempt was to say "I am not co-dependent - because it is toxic and it exists." I was more trying to reiterate that "I was not this Co-Dependent person" and of course this is not a BDSM term - I only just had it thrown at me (By my ex and people in this community) when I was in BDSM. But that is likely because of the amazing knowledge that everyone here has, and sometimes people only look for the research they need to provide them the ammunition they need to accuse, then stop reading.

Thank you for pointing it out. <3 <3 Very lucky for this community!

4 years ago

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OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours}

A Demi in Isolation

When Co-Dependency is the Blame Game

OraclePollon(sub female){NotYours}