I'm back!!! 😈
I just want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who sent me messages. Thank you for everyone who checked in on me. ❤
Update:
I am enrolled in college!
For those of you that know me a little bit, this is a big thing for me!
I put off college in 1999 to find myself and have kids. I was a straight A student with a 3.8 GPA.
I've been told more than once I should have went. I just wanted to find myself and grew up with ptsd. I found myself and sewed my wild oats. It was a needed thing. I just didn't expect to have 3 kids and put it off for so long!
I start in August! I'm majoring in Geology. (what a surprise, lol)
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A lot has changed in the past few months! I've been busy for most of it, cranking out accomplishments here and there, trying to get my home ready for the summer/fall. I had a lot on my plate to get done, deadlines that if I didn't concentrate on would have made everything that much harder.
Alpha and I have had a spring "adjustment," we find as the seasons change (or things happen) there's always a phase of missed signals, re-calibration, another storm before another norm. Taking a year that almost took both of us out, and taking it out, looking at it, and then letting it be a lesson learned.
We're still not out of choppy waters, that's where in the past I showed my grit and felt useful, if my life taught me anything it was how to take shit and polish the hell out of it. This time though, it's different. I'm getting treatment. I'm being trained to not always prepare for another turd to come down the line.
Always needing to be prepared for the worst (however smart it may seem) has at times stolen the trust out of my relationships, taken the joy out of something wonderful, and rendered me unable to be on the same page with the majority of people I encounter.
I'm learning that instead of always preparing for the worst, I should see that people deserve the best things that can happen to them, and everyone deserves to be happy and not live in a world where the darkness is just around the corner at every turn. What a self-fulfilling prophecy that can be, especially for an intelligent person like me.
However, I can still do what makes me happy. I can still help others.
I found myself needing to check out a few weeks ago. Adulting was becoming a bit too much.
Needless to say I needed my little space and found it and have been here since, playing video games, sitting on my bed snuggled up under my soft, fuzzy covers (covered up and hiding or sleeping on the really hard days).
Someone important came back into our lives, and I needed to gauge this new dynamic. Do I want to see it through eyes that prepare for the worst? Of course!
What good has this been for me in the past? It's either:
1. Made me unable to enjoy something wholesome for fear of it being taken away, and
2. Made me actually manifest the worst of my fears out of my own need for ignorance.
This was my mindset, with all the stress, and seeing cascading failure before something even happens.
Whatever way a person chooses to challenge the shit that is happening in life, I don't judge you. Just know you're a badass for challenging it in the first place.
So back to my fuzzy covers. I needed to check out. To not see deadlines coming. To relieve some of the stress of life.
So I've been taking some downtime, not worrying about much, in a kiddish way, fight or flight for my little brain. Letting the extremities of life go a little and caring for the guts, taking time to refind what it is I live this life for. Allowing myself to re-learn and understand my importance and purpose.
Which is where it comes full circle. 💞💞💞 I need to help people. I need to be able to be a submissive, helpful, humble person in service. It's such a huge part of who I am. For so long I didn't serve healthily, surrounding myself with users and narcissists. 😞😞😞
Now I'm learning healthier boundaries. Being able to take a break has allowed me to look at the whole of things from the outside, consider it, challenge my unproductive thoughts, and help put the dark parts of the past year and put them in a place I can look at them and learn, without judgement.
Now I can be helpful again. I can help someone, but in a way that isn't co-dependent. I can let others guide me, instead of preparing and telling everyone what it is they truly want and should do.
It's ok to help others, as long as they help themselves. I hold myself to the same expectation.
But it's time for me to stop 'topping from the bottom.' I can't want to help someone so much that I forget to take care of myself.
People need to decide for themselves what they want, and then ask for help. Letting myself have those boundaries has made some of these self-fulfilling prophecies crumble away, and allowed me to be more honest with people in my life.
Learning this has been one of the most helpful things I have ever learned.
💕💕💕💕
Now!
I can get back to sharing and helping! I can get back to what I love! And I can start blogging and journaling again. I can start helping other subs again! I can be a little and still be a guiding light.
And most importantly for me, I can start serving again. I can start helping Daddy help me. And together we can't change the world, but we can be a positive influence.
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Okay! Now you've been half-ass updated. Hopefully I can find my new 'norm' (such ironic word usage, I know, lol) on the Cage, and get to know some of the wonderful people that I know have been joining in droves as of late.
Maybe one of you wonderful submissives is the "Unicorn" 😍 👨👧👧 Alpha and I have been waiting and hoping to meet! One of the many reasons I love the Cage: You don't come here for the porn. You don't come here for the sex.
You come here for the PEOPLE. The people here are amazing, and we've made friends for life!
The potential for true love exists here. 👩❤️💋👩👭 👫 That's special.
Have a good week everyone! See you around. 😊😊😊
