Plain Jane

So I was swindled again. Because I don’t know when to stop believing. 

I believe everyone is good, or at least there’s something good about everyone. You just have to look hard enough. I am not going to stop believing because that’s what my whole world. And my whole world  is based on that belief. 
not going to say I wasn’t hurt. But once again forced to do things I don’t want to do. My intentions were pure. But I was mean. Some people only respond to mean and ugly. It’s soooooo sad. 

so I wrote a pome not many will get. 

My problem is I read people very well it’s supposed to be a gift yet it always feels like a curse. People who truly know me have used this gift. Asked me to sit in on things I have no reason to be. I give my reading and then leave. I should sell this but really I’m just a problem solver and I’ve learned I’m very,  very good at it. Well other people’s problems anyway.

Silence falls on feather white ears. 

I had someone tell me it was ok to come out of my walls.
My walls were beautiful and sparkly. With small reflections of myself. Just enough to know I was still alive and real but I didn’t have to feel. They tore those walls down till they found out that in my fort of walls built high and strong. was silence and the small reflections were ways to read lips. The music played loud to hear the happy tunes. The captions were on for a reason well known. With one that stands in the background can hear the lips sing with praise, or the voices with blades as sharp as diamond, cut others down like unprotected Forrest. 

grammar is awful, spelling atrocious. Sounds fall on silent winter leaves. There’s no place for deaf ears near or far. 

does silence kill or is it the hearing of the sounds that kills the world.
When spring comes does one listen to the singing birds. Or is that just the play of sounds in ones head, or the sound that one might imagine.  Do blinkers make nose or just a flash of light?  When dogs bark do they all sound alike? What is the sound of a kittens purr? 

deafness is a silent world where one does not fit in either world. Vanilla or BDSM. Either world is just the same.  Those in silence do not belong theirs is a silent World.
Deafness is a silent world we’re one does not fit in either world. 

Today was supposed to a perfect day. I had left over PTO “use it or lose it stuff” I had the day completely planned. I was going to play baseball with my grandson he’s 2 1/2 and I think he’s the greatest player of all times. But I woke up I couldn’t talk my throat was just raw. Yup I spent the day in urgent care. Got a shot in my butt that hurt. Had to text everything to the doctor and nurse. It probably took longer because of that also. But I was giving my paperwork and sent to get my prescriptions.

but as I sat in the waiting room I listened to everyone around me complaining about something I was no different complaining in my head. I was right with them. Then my son sent me a picture of my grandson wearing his little baseball outfit saying I hope you feel better grams. And that’s when it hit me. “Not everyday is a good day but there is something good about everyday”. That simple picture made today a great day. You see my grandson son doesn’t care I couldn’t run after the ball for him when he hit home run after home run. While I do. I should be the size of a feather with as much running I do for those balls. 🤣 he just wanted me better so we could have another day. His free will of love is so unconditional it really has no end. 

then I thought about a few things from my past. And why I couldn’t forgive myself for them. I had no control over some and I did what I did with no bad intentions. My heart was in the right place. Just bad people that were put in charge did bad things. Yes I allowed it. But again I did do what I did with good intentions. I can’t be responsible for others actions only mine. I want to thank maxstern. He knows what I’m talking about. That is enough. I’ve always known I wasn’t responsible for the things out of my control but I was ashamed of the way I handled them. But then realizing  today I handled them the very best I could and with no bad intentions I’d like to say no bad thoughts but that wouldn’t be honest. But my intentions were pure and to the best of my ability at the time with what I had to work with. I don’t need to feel guilty I don’t need to be ashamed and I most importantly need to one let it go. Two forgive myself. And three be happy it is in the past. These are easier words spoken than lived. Something good came of today I forgave myself. If even for a day or a moment. Now I can work on doing it everyday. Something good came of a bad day. 

Yesterday has been and gone. 
Tomorrow will I find the sun,
or will it rain?

everybody’s having fun
except me I’m the lonely one 

I live in shame

i say goodbye to romance, yeah

goodbye to to friends. I tell you

goodbye to all the past

i guess that we’ll meet 

we’ll meet in the end

ive been the king. I’ve been the clow

it won’t be me this time around

to live in pain

i say goodby to romance, yeah

goodbye to all the past

i guess that we’ll meet 

we’ll meet in the end

the jester with the broken crown

it won’t be me this time around

to live in pain. 

I say goodbye to Roman, yeah

goodbye to friends.

I tell you good bye to all the past

i guess we’ll meet

we’ll meet in the end.

I can remember where I was when I first heard this song. 

The angel and the devil secretly get along. 
sitting up

there with me in the middle from dusk till dawn.

I get so confused by which way to turn looking at me like decide which bridge to burn. 

if I’m wrong or right, you stand by my side Devil never knows, devil never knows. Listen, listen you’ve forgiven me for the thousands time

looking over my shoulder, looking out, looking out for me. 

Devi never knows, the devil never knows, angel in disguise. 

ooh. Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh 

oohh oohh oohh oohh 

looking over my shoulder, looking out, looking out for me. 

oohh oohh oohh oohh 

oohh oohh oohh oohh 

Looking over my shoulder, looking out, looking out for me. 

oohh oohh oohh oohh

oohh oohh oohh oohh

looking over my shoulder, looking out, looking out for me. 

It’s a long way down. 
even longer way back up. 
when the chips fall down. 
you would always back me up. 
when the shit goes down. 
you would always back me up. 

Have you ever felt weak or insignificant like, the Who’s from Dr. Seuss? Yet at the same time your as big as Horton the elephant. People always say size doesn’t matter. Do you think that’s true? can a Who be the size of an elephant? Or does size not matter? 

do you think that that maybe we should be judged by the size of our of our hearts not our body? Maybe we should be judged by the size of our brains? Maybe we shouldn’t judge at all. 

just random thoughts. 
sweet dreams.

What can you wish for. Is there a limit? Dreams, is there a limit on those also? I can bet a penny right now that 90% of you said that there’s no limit. But I am sure there is. Or maybe god doesn’t allow some people to have them. 

why do we wish or dream? Do they ever come true? And why can they only come true for certain people? Is it like one in a million chances of winning the lottery? 

as of today I will no longer believe in wishes I will no longer believe that wishes and dreams can change anything or come true.  For me life is better to sleep it off. Because reality is not better than the empty bliss of sleep. Reality is lonely and cold. I wonder if this is hell. I can’t imagine hell being any worse than a life with no wishes or dreams. I find it just the way you see hell in the movies except no flams just empty cold land.

loneliness takes us to a new level. Some of find peace with gardening some read books some cook. But what if you don’t anywhere to garden. What if you have no one to cook for but yourself.  What if reading is all you have. 

why do keep dreaming with your eyes open? Why do you keep throwing your pennies in the wishing well. I ask myself these questions today. 

the biggest question I ask myself is will I ever be enough for myself? Or anyone else? And what is being enough? 

yes I’m having one of those days today we all have them. I won’t be ashamed. We all have these days. What if I’m to fat, skinny, to short, to tall? Wishing we were what we are not. But in the end we have to accept what we are. And if that means being alone then accepting it is our first step. 

How do we accept that though  being alone is not easy. Accepting who you are is the first step maybe in finding yourself. I don’t know. What I do know is I  won’t dream I won’t wish. I will have faith that my dreams that I’ve dreamed and the wishes I have already wished will come true. But faith is all I have left. I have not lost that yet . But believe, dream, and wishing I can’t do it anymore.

why is there more outside  in this world. And do I want to see the outside world. I have seen the news and it’s awful  outside is there a community of just good heart people with smiles and rainbows? My world inside my walls wants to expand but it’s held down but the reality of this world.

So after my blog about abandonment I read all the wonderful post. Thank you all. But someone sent me something and it made me realize something. And this something is something  that maybe some of you all need to think about also. Yes Doms, subs and everyone. We all know what abandonment is and a lot of us know what it feels like? But what did we learn from it? What were we blessed with from it? 

let’s look at it from these questions. I for one have very few friends like maybe three that truly know me. Why is that? Because I built walls and I hide in the shadows. Now is that a bad thing or a good thing? that’s for me to decided, And I like it.  because the few true friends I have I know I can count on them. God blessed me with true friends not fakes not loaners not temporary only when the good time are around friends. True omg what can I do to help let’s celebrate let’s figure it out let’s “DO THIS” kind of friends. These are rare to come by and I treasure them. No they don’t know everything about me but that’s ok they still love me. This I call a blessing. 

now this blessing came because I have the strength to stand alone even if I don’t like it. I can fight my own wolf at the door because I have had to do it my entire life. I have no body strength so I’ve had to call upon what I do have and that is quick wit. Let’s face I’m about as dumb as they come and I barely graduated high school and no college so my skills are limited. You would think. Not the case I mange to work 70/80 hours a week balance a checking account and take on the health care system. I fought for everything I have and own which is not a lot like it all fits in my car. But I did that I accomplished that.I have had the strength to carry on through all the trails and tribulations life has thrown at me. Would I have been this tough without being abandoned? No being abandoned has made me the person I am today. And I am here to tell you I am proud of who I am. 

to all of you who have been abandoned you should be proud of where you are.  you have had the strength to move forward grow and let’s face it if your on this site you’ve learned to be honest about what you like don’t like and how much you can take and still survive. Apocalyse be damn we will be the survivors. We have been through hell and raised above it. Embrace your past and adventure to your future my friends. We are the ones with emotional strength we are the ones that can endure and move on. ❤️❤️❤️ 

Abandonment, what does this word mean? Well to Webster it means

1a: left without needed protection, care, to support

b: left by the owner an abandoned car:

 left to fall into a state of disuse an abandoned fieldabandoned propertyan abandoned factory

c: no longer held or thought of : given up abandoned hopes/dreams

WHOA!!! Now as a sub I look at this and think was Webster into kink?
Butt 😁really when I read the definition I lost a few tears down my face. What a sad word. Yet we’ve all done this word, abandoned someone or something. “BUTT😆😂 I really tried not to laugh it’s still my favorite word and makes me smile” Anyway so what is the emotional part of this word? I believe C says a lot hopes dreams. Webster didn’t have anything that describe the emotional part in there and why may I ask? Is it because it’s to awful of a word to  describe? Or because there are to many words to describe? 

abandonment is a powerful word. And watching on this site I notice a lot of Doms and Subs doing this to each other. “Ghosting” I believe is just another word for abandon”.  Now everyone has their own opinions but this is mine.

now my next question is how do you really give an opinion of someone while texting. Because I will tell you on here I can text in my space or I should say a Doms space. BUTT😂😆 in person I’m a whole different person I will hardly say a word. I’ll answer but ask a question no way. I just sit watch and observe. “Invisible”. Now as far as ghosting I won’t no one ever deserves that. Not in text or person. I do understand that some people get carried away or maybe the word is attached. Maybe infatuated could be another word. Anyway they just need attachment. To feel. Isn’t that why we are all on here because we want to feel. Maybe come out of invisibility once in a while. Be able to talk about our dark desires needs and wants. Maybe feel protected once in a while.

I for one have never been protected. Not as a child or an adult. So I very much understand that need want desire. I understand the feeling of abandonment as a child and an adult. Which of us hasn’t felt this emotion? It’s horrible and awful so why would you want to do that to someone else? 

I really do have to learn to toughen up I just made myself cry with my own blog. I’m a nerdy dork.