This morning I turned off all of my usual stimulants, music, the TV, the computer. My downstairs naybers are a little bit noisy, but not too much. All I can hear is cars in the street, people talking, a pigeon having a melt down (I can still hear him but he seems to be further away now). Do I like to be alone? It would be more accurate to say that sometimes I need it. I do not look like a week delicate creature. I look like a cross between a gargoyle and a rugby player, but inside I am a dresden tea set. One day I must forgive my self for not being a proper bloke.
Even the slightest (from the other persons point of view) attack on my delicate senses, leaves me sitting here quietly trying to recover.
Am I selfish? Maybe, but it is the only self that I have got.
With the world as it is, will it engulf me and make me a part of its toxic chaos? Yes I think that will happen in the future but for now I am allowed to be whatever I am.
I have listened to a few tapes by an Indian philosopher, Jiddu Krishnamurti, His main argument seems to be that the problems of the world stem from us being split or separated by belief, religion, skin colour, and so on. Simple so far, but I goes on, the word alone literally means all one. I struggle a lot with his meaning. Does he mean that by each being alone, we can become more hole as a species. If you form a group then, sooner or later, your group becomes antagonistic towards another group and then you get separation. This seems clear enough, but surely the answer is not for each person to be alone?
(Back to talking about me now): Even if I found the right person could I make room for them in my lonely world. My sister and her family shout at each other from room to room. It does not seem to matter where in the house they are. If they want to say something they they just shout. I am very close to my sister, but when I visit I always come back a little bit depressed.
So, conclusion: Could I make room for a second person. I do not know, but I am corshusly keen to find out.
PS. Please excuse spelling. I should use simpler words.
