"It is said that 'a Top is for tonight, a Dominant is for as long as she is submissive, a Master is there until she is no longer a slave, but a Daddy is forever.' Daddy may have to give his girl away to a husband. He may eventually run out of things to teach his little girl. She may ultimately not need his sage advice and his experience any more. Hopefully he will be too old by then to have to deal with it, because when there is nothing left to teach, no need for a confidant, no discipline needing to be meted out, when his little girl no longer needs her Daddy, that’s when he will die inside. The need that Daddy has for his girl is every bit as potent as the need she has for her Daddy." ~ WizarDavid
So, I poked my nose into the forums and saw some things about DD/lg. And even said a little bit of a piece there about my thoughts on the topic. However, I (as usual) couldn't stop pondering.
Well, for whatever it may be worth, this is the randomness that has been occurring to me.
To me, I should be her biggest fan. I should be her cheerleader. I should know not only all of her triumphs but what she attempts to do that is beyond her. And I should cheer just as loud, if not louder, for the attempts that she makes to better herself. To reach beyond her grasp. Because it means that she is growing. That she is beginning to see herself as I do, how much more she is capable of beyond her fears and insecurities.
To me, I should be her biggest confidant. I should know more about her than anyone. I should know the embarrassing things. Those which she feels are shameful. I should know her secret desires and longings. I should be the one she first thinks of when she needs an understanding ear.
To me, I should be her protection. Her shield against threats that would harm her, both real and perceived, that she is not quite ready to tackle on her own. For her to shelter in the embrace of someone else, even if it is a circle of friends, means, to me, that I have failed in my most important duty as a Daddy. I have failed to be her safe place. The place where she knows that nothing can harm her unless it comes through me first.
To me, I should be her mentor. I should constantly strive to teach her everything I know. Or, when I run out of things I know that she doesn't, I should push her to learn more and be more. As much as she can. Even when that means I have to shut the hell up and let someone else teach her. And, yes. Even when it comes to protecting herself, without a need for me as a shield.
Even once I have nothing left to teach her that she doesn't already know, I should still serve as a guide. As a counselor. I should be willing to go to any lengths I need to support her and nudge her back on the path when her own fears and insecurities scream in her beautiful brain, "I can't do this!" Even... or perhaps especially... when that guidance means directing her to someone else who can teach what I do not know.
To me, no matter what happens, I should be her anchor. Her stone shelter that she knows she can come back to and be welcomed with open arms, no matter how far and wide she might venture and leave me behind. That I will never turn her away. Never turn my back on her. Even when she doesn't need me anymore.
Where I admit I have always struggled is with discipline. My temptation is going to be to spoil her. To love her and accept her whatever she might have done. And it truly does hurt me worse than it hurts her for me to have to call her down for doing something she shouldn't have, and that she knew better than to do. But, it also makes me wonder and look over my own actions and inactions that she might have felt like that was a good idea, or I might not have cared. And, maybe it's a mistake. But, I don't get angry with her. And I make sure to tell her that, each and every time she begs me not to be mad. That I am not and have never been angry with her. That my disappointment, my frustration, and even my anger are directed at myself that I didn't do a better job, that I didn't head her off and keep her from doing such a thing.
I don't know. There are times when I really question just what I am. But, I think it's because a Daddy is only a Daddy when he has a little. And, when she comes to me and those feelings wash over and through me, I know in my blood and bone that this is what I am. I am her Daddy. For as long as she needs me and is willing to allow me to be.
And, yes. When she doesn't turn to me first to have a need met, and I find out, a part of me withers just a little bit. It breaks my heart just a little bit. And I feel like I have let her down.
But, maybe it's no bad thing for me, or for us.
Because I think if I actively want to be all she has and needs, if I actively object to her protecting me from her trigger responses and not letting me see her as she really is if that is what she wants to do, if I actively try to stop her from dealing with things herself without telling me rather than sharing them with me in a timely manner, then maybe I'm not being the Daddy I should be, that I want to be. Maybe I've given her chains instead of wings. And if I can't grow large enough that she doesn't have to shrink in on herself to continue being my little, then perhaps I have served my purpose and it's time for this stone shelter stand empty except for memories.
I don't know. The only answer I have been able to find for myself is that if I am somehow forcing her to be smaller than she wants to be, then I am not helping her so much as controlling her from my own selfish desires and it's time for me to "step the fuck off."
I have no problem with being her shelter in the inevitable storms. I very much desire it in fact.
But, when the skies are clear and she needs a perch to launch herself from to spread her wings and fly, I want to be that too.
And still remain the shelter for her to come back to when she's done spreading her awesomeness for another day.
I don't know. That's probably all about as clear as mud.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that she can choose to be a little to me, but if I am somehow making her become smaller than she wishes to be in order to fit, then I need to spend more time growing larger. However large she needs me to grow.
