Master and the Sub

My lioness has my heart and soul in her hands, the distance between us is like the darkest hole I have ever been in. I know it wont be this way forever but my demon is impatient. Like me he want's to feel her love up close, touch her soul so we may bond in a way that is only know to us. The days are long until we meet and my demon tells me that I am dreaming. My lioness is so much better than I will ever be, she looks past my faults, my scars, my demon. She can see something in me I have never found. I envision a day that I can hold her, tell her how much I love her, protect her from the demon that haunts from her past, she can fight my demon and I will fight hers, together we will be happy. For now we wait until the day we walk together in this life.

As I awake from the short rest I notice she is is lying beside me. I watch her sleep, watching her chest with every breath she takes, smelling her scent.Her eyes open, could she feel me watching her or did a nightmare from her past wake her at that moment. She saw me and immediately jumped to her feet backing away from me seeing if I would react. I didn't move, still lying there not moving making no gestures that would make her feel threatened. She kept her distance, continuing to study me with intense observation. She looked at the expression on my face, looked in my eyes,I wondered could she see the darkness I felt, the pain, the hurt, could she she the love I had to give. She gazed long and hard before moving a little closer, she laid down near me but kept a distance between us. She could see the scars on my chest, deep scars that told a story of part of the life I had, I have many scars some only visible in my mind. I gazed into her eye's I could see pain, hurt, distrust of me being near, I could sense her wariness to get closer. I never moved from my spot as I laid there for a moment I realize I can show her my trust, I rolled over on my back, exposing my heart, giving her the opportunity to rip my heart to pieces.I wanted to show her I trusted her and when she was ready I would be here. 

As I walk through the darkness it is lonely, sometimes depressing in my thought's as a walk along this path.  I stop cold I can feel someone watching me I sense a presence in the distance. I slowly scan the path I'm on my eye's have been blinded before so I use caution. I move a little closer I can see a figure in the distance, as I get closer I can see her, we move closer but keep our distance. She seems hesitant, I am wary of being hurt I can see her claws, mine are out as well. We circle each other, my scars are visible to her, I sense a fear in her eyes, our eyes are locked as we access each other. I move back putting some distance between her and me, I find a place and lay down keeping my eye on her. As I lay here I am tired, my journey has been long and the pain in my heart heavy. I can see her sitting a short distance from me still watching me, she seems to be sizing me up, wondering my intentions. I can no longer keep my eyes open and lay my head down, entrusting her not to hurt me when I am defenseless. As I lay there eye's closed I sense her presence near me, I worry a bit then I can feel her lie down close to me I drift off to sleep.

As I sit here writing this, I am conflicted with how I was raised and taught how to be as a person. First let me say that I have never just had random sexual encounter's they have always been in a relationship except once after my first divorce, 5 years later. A one night stand that I enjoyed but it wasn't meant to be on going. It was year's later my sub walked into my life, I found a side of me I knew was there but though the things I was taught , the life I knew it was hard to accept for the  guilt at first. Once I let myself be me I found a life I enjoyed and felt happy with, can't imagine living without it. But since it's been awhile since I have had that, I miss a women's human contact, I miss the feel of a body next to me, I miss the sexual energy when two souls are combine in pleasure of body and mind. As the days pass, I lust for that, I have thoughts of it, being a man and human I also have thought's of betraying all I was taught and finding a random stranger to fill the physical need. I know this goes against all I believe in and all that I was taught but it's a craving, a want to feel something real right now in the moment. I am sure the feeling will pass as sleep beckons me, responsibilities, life just happens, but in those time's my thought's are not in a good place. I ask am I wrong for wanting what I want, will I be judged for a physical act void of feeling's just a strong desire at this place in time. My body commands my mind at time's I am guilty of listening to it, knowing it won't end well.

So yesterday was Father's day, I got a call from my youngest son, A text form my oldest and went to see my father. I miss talking with my middle son for the ex has kept him from me for over two years now. I am not sure what to do, I can drag her into court, spend lots of money and hope that I can get to see my son on occasion. But after spending a year and a half and over 20,000 dollars just to get her to sign a piece of paper so I could have my house, I am mentally not ready for that battle. Hopefully in the near future, I can pull my demon out to stand in court again and get my son at least once in awhile. For now I have to focus on me, It's been a bad last two years. Every day I push the doubt away, gather my self esteem, find the Lion that is inside to fight. Today he is awake and starting to look to the future.

Master has been thinking a lot about life lately, the past, the present and the future. Things are beginning to change and I am hopeful but scared of change. As I look in the mirror now days I see me but not the person I once was, strong full of energy, capable of fighting the world. Now I can no longer do things I used to, I have the mind set but my body has been beaten , damaged by the life I have lived. As I look in the mirror I see a man that has raised his kids to be strong and independent like me, I never ask for help even though every fiber in your soul want's it. A person, that loves to the point his heart has been damaged more than the bullet that ripped through this body, taking out organs and leaving scars that will always show the life I have had. As I stand here looking in the mirror I question why would anyone ever want a scarred, broken person like me? I know this is the wrong attitude to have because I am surrounded by family and friends that care and love me but the life I have had makes me question my own thoughts. I have plenty of love to give, but my mind wonders why would anyone love me, this has caused me to push people away, those who may have loved me. I ask myself why do I do this, because I still listen to those voices that have been stuck in my head since I was young. I must fight harder against the demon I created to protect me so I may feel love like I have always wanted. One day at a time is what all of the wonderful friends here have said so I will listen not to him but to those that care even though we have never physically met. To my friends here, I want to say this, thank you for all you have said, thank you for not being like those other's in my life, and thanks for the love I have always wanted to feel.

Good night my wonderful friend's It's another day and another day to reflect on the mistakes I make. I wish you all the best that life can give.

As I sit here in front of the computer, bourbon coursing through my body just so I can sleep 6 hours without pain or nightmares I ponder why I exist on the planet? As I have told a few friends I have been at death's doorstep many times and by all count's of physics should be dead and a past memory for anyone who has known me. I have been told I have a purpose to fulfill but for the life of me after all the hell I have endured in this life why or what is so important to make me suffer everyday, alone and no one to talk to about the thoughts and fears that consume me on most days. I have not a brother anymore, my friends have there own lives, and I can't talk with my parents about the things that concern me, alone I must face the day. I have hope in part of me and a demon that pulls at me to leave this place, I only hope to win the battle against him. My battle goes on everyday, for as long as I have walked this wonderful world, someday I hope to find the happiness i have seek all my life or at least feel that my life has been worth something to someone. As the song says do you ever feel wanted, do you ever feel needed,do you ever feel happy or are you just like me. Hanging by a thread, a rope a noose around my neck cause every time I fall in love, love falls out of me.

This road I travel has not always been my choice, as a child sitting in the backseat while someone else picks the destination for you.Some of those roads were hard, painful and have left a lasting impression that not only have shaped the person I am but have also caused the nightmares of my sleep. When I was old enough to drive I picked carefree roads, roads with curves and danger, never thinking about what was at the end, just feeling free. As I got older  life caused me to pick the safe roads,ones where the scenery never seemed to change much, roads that always lead back to the same place, an unhappy place, one that ended in a detour I was not expecting and didn't see coming. I was forced to pick a new road to travel, this road is long, quiet,and the only cars I can see are in the distance seeming to fade out of site. As I travel this road,  I wonder will I find that companion to fill the front seat again, windows down, music playing, not a word spoken just enjoying the road the feel of happiness, waiting to see where this road takes us,

Only being on here a short time I have made many wonderful friends all with kind words and the same problems we all seem to have. Which is good it shows were all human and life is better with friends. What I have also gather from some conversations and it being posted on profiles is how many Dom's think you can just start demanding someone to be your submissive. My past Sub was already train to a degree, but we spent long conversations about many topics and went back to have talks about more things before it was agreed by both sides what we both enjoyed from the relationship. I do know there are those that want and enjoy that kind of arrangement but please have the curtsy to ask first before assuming every sub is the same. Just my opinion I'm sure some will have different thought's these are just mine.