Master and the Sub

So as of last Sunday it's been 41 years since the death of my brother, hard to believe it's been so long ago. My beautiful Hazel was only 5 months old when it happened, I was 12. I remember saying goodbye to him as I left for school and he was going to a wedding for his girlfriends brother, that evening he was gone. Now me and my brother never were close as most kids are until you get older and realize that your both not the ass the other thinks you are. We were starting to get to that point when he and his girlfriend left this place, I never told him I loved him and I refused to say goodbye to anyone after that, always said see you later. This time of year is always hard on my mother, it was hard on her the night I shot myself, later we were talking and she said if something ever happens to you I would kill myself. I couldn't believe she said that, I know I'm the last of her 2 kids but what about my father, her grandkids, great grandchildren are those not reasons to live. My beautiful lioness said something similar one day if something happens to you I don't want to live, I asked why, because you are the love of my life, I couldn't live without you. Ok, I understand that, I love her more than anything but and yes I said but I can't imagine her wanting to die because of me. She is young, beautiful, healthy, intelligent, funny, wicked sense of humor, sexy, list goes on, she has her family and mine that love her more than anything, good reasons to live. Death is hard, not for those that died but for those who loved them and are still here, the sadness, loneliness, heartache, questions of why. I know death all to well, been going to funerals since I was young enough to remember, they buried my grandfather on my ten birthday, I came as close to death as possible without dying the night I shot myself. Buried family and friends some after living a long life, others not given the chance to live life, one thing I've learned over the years death doesn't discriminate and nobody knows when it comes. My perspective of death has been changed over time I got to a point where it didn't bother me, I know it sounds cold but after countless funerals you kinda block out feeling so as to protect yourself from the sadness it can be quite devastating. After my gunshot I have a new outlook on life, I'm not afraid of death but I don't want it anytime soon, now that I found my soulmate I am trying to live a good safe life so as to be around for a long time, not for me but for her, as I want her around for just as long. I would be devastated if something happens to her, because for once in my life I'm more concerned with how much I would hurt the ones who love me over it doesn't matter if I die no one will care. My brother is not with me, but the memories of him will comfort me for all my life. My deepest condolences for all those who have lost someone they loved, my heart aches with you. To all, life is wonderful and short, enjoy family, friends, and the ones you love, make lots of memories so they will always be with you as you walk through life. Love to all. 🦁💖