I’ve been involved in BDSM for 20 years. Over that time I have come to believe that if you’re attracted to BDSM, there is trauma in your past.
You may not remember this trauma. Some of us may be in denial. Some may not understand what trauma is or how it affects us.
For myself, I didn’t realize how traumatizing childhood experiences were. I was never sexually abused, never went hungry. And yet there were things in my childhood that affected me more than I knew.
For those of us involved in BDSM, we need to make sure that we are working on our mental health. Even if everything seems fine, everyone should get professional counseling. This is not a judgement— we all have issues. We all need perspective. Sometimes, we all need help. It doesn’t make you broken or hopeless or weak—literally everyone needs help at some point.
I’ve had my fair share of subs. I can tell you that seeing a professional counselor made me a much better dom, my subs agree. Even though most of my larger trauma has been addressed, I continue to see a counselor at least twice a month. I also now mandate that all my long term subs see someone as well (different from mine. I don’t want conflict of interest there.) I see it as essential to my role as a dom to ensure that my subs have someone they can talk to in confidence.
For those of you still not convinced I’m going okay to say it in no uncertain terms: When pain and control are our playthings, we owe it to ourselves and the ones around us to make sure that we are talking to a professional about our mental health. It is something we all MUST do.
The good news is that in the long term it is worth it. Better dynamics, better sex, satisfaction in ourselves for changing to be better.
If you’ve never seen a mental health professional, do it. It’s a good thing. Just don’t be afraid to skip around until you find the right counselor for you.