It occurred to me recently how much I abandon myself in a relationship. I come away barely recognisable. It’s made me begin to sit back more and observe. Observe others and how they move together. My last experience showed me signs I can see that are so familiar. I observe the women mostly. We are so absorbent. You can tell a lot about a relationship, and the man a woman is with, by observing just her.
I saw a couple that did make me smile this morning though. Their energy flowed between them as freely as their touch. It was so beautiful to witness. The ease with which their bodies knew each other without thought. I realised how rare that is to actually see. He and I didn’t have that. Our bodies knew each other less than our souls… and our souls hardly knew each other at all. Even after 3 years.
I’ve shifted through so many emotional states in regards to us. But now I just feel sorry for us. We struggled so much. I always feel so naive in hindsight. Looking back, reflecting. So many mistakes that I see now could have been overcome had neither of us been so naive. That’s the cruelty of hindsight. Being able to look back and see where things could’ve been different. A pointless pursuit. It’s easy to say hindsight is a blessing to help prevent mistakes next time… but it just leaves room to make new ones.
The thought of a new relationship is absolutely unfathomable to me right now. And to be honest, I’m perfectly ok with that. I kind of like it. It feels peaceful. I still revel in the beauty of witnessing love, and being able to be happy for those who seek it or have found it. I am just feeling a very strong urge to walk this part alone. I’m tired of abandoning myself. I don’t want to be one of those women I keep seeing everywhere who lives in a perpetual state of… what? Exhaustion. Carrying the weight of those around her. Smiling while she acts like glue, yet is silently falling apart on the inside.
As the lyrics from one of my favourite songs states:
“I will not pretend. I will not put on a smile. I will not say I’m alright for you. For you, whoever you are.”
I may not life as others think I should, but I love my life. After a lifetime of seeking distraction and numbing myself, I love the depth of which I now feel and experience everything. I love that I’m remembering to come back to paying attention. Ignoring things doesn’t make them go away. It simply makes me go away.
