I was having a conversation with my friend B&C about how hard it can be these days to find a dynamic - or any kind of relationship at all - and how sometimes it would be easier to just grab someone vanilla for some fun.
I asked "And what would 'fun' be?"
She made a joke like "Oh, just going on a date and getting laid."
I laughed. "Hahah, 'Dated and Laid.' Now there's a bad country song if I've ever heard of one."
But it stuck with me. It festered. I went all goofy with inspiration.
That song was beggin' to get written. My heard started up swimmin' and my boots started lookin' for some shit to kick.
And before I knew what had happened, this had happened:
Dated and Laid
Went on a date but I didn't get laid
and not 'cuz I didn't try.
I learnt all the sweet things a man s'posed to say
and even told her she could buy.
I'd dug out the cleanest drawers I could find,
aint been wore for no more than a week.
Slapped on my big buckle belt and cologne,
now she'd definite owe me a peek.
Roll'd up the sleeves on my rodeo shirt,
and unbutton'd it down past my chest.
Showin' the hair I been growin' down there figurin'
that'll make her wet for the rest.
She pulled up all pretty and opened my door sayin'
"sorry I done made you wait."
I told her "fine as you look, and as long as you payin'
I'll try to forget you was late."
With just one glance
she was quakin' and thinkin'
how smoothly my hand had been played
Singin' -
"Wait til my friends hear 'bout
the cowboy I met and 'bout
how I got Dated and Laid"
When we finally got to the place I jumped out,
and told her "darlin' you go park the car."
I strolled in and ordered a steak and some beers,
and sat down to wait at the bar.
I watched her go into the toilet for girls,
to put on her face for her man.
I thought "girl got a serious look like she's ready
to give up to me all she can."
She walked out all red like a bright neon sign,
and found her a table to stay.
I could tell she was strugglin' to hold herself in
'cuz she never stopped glarin' my way.
Surely by now
she was glowin' from knowin'
how grateful she was that she stayed
Laughin' -
"Wait til my friends hear 'bout
the cowboy I met and 'bout
how I got Dated and Laid"
Musta been 'round 'bout and hour or so,
she jumped up and ran to my stool.
I thought it was 'cuz she was yearnin' for me,
but things was about to turn cruel.
She threatened to leave without drivin' me home,
but I'd already drunk a full load.
So I said "slow down there miss, gotta go throw a piss,
you just grab me a brew for the road."
When she got me back to my trailer I said
"Get out and let's fuck on the lawn."
She sassed "Darlin' that dog couldn't even stay up
if it had 3 more legs to stand on."
She went runnin' her mouth
and the whole town heard tell
so I pulled off my hat and I prayed
Hopin' -
None of my friends hear 'bout
this lady I met and 'bout
how I couldn't get Dated and Laid.
- written and performed by Longer Johnny Cash
- - - - - - -
On to the Dated and Laid challenge:
Now it is up to the rest of my fellow weirdos here to make up the worst song or poem you can, any topic or genre, and post it.
And have fun!
(If you want and are able to you can listen and follow along as I read it in a fake shitty country song accent! It's reeeeally bad so feel free to laugh!)
