A Dom's Tale ~ The journey there and back again

    We go through life, sometimes alone, sometimes with another, but we go through life.  And when something dies that we thought never could, be it a loved one, or what we felt was a lifetime relationship, or any other cornerstone of our world we find ourselves lost...adrift in a stormy sea alone. The waves pounding on our heart, the wind seemingly trying to rip apart what is left of our soul after the wreckage.left us there, broken, battered, alone at sea. This is also when predators seem to prefer to strike, appearing underneath us from the blind side, circling, plotting, whispering those oh so tempting promises of safety and healing, when what they really want is to use us for whatever pleasure or gain they may be able to get, not knowing or not caring that it may spell the end for us if we give in, yet all we can think about it what was lost.

    Friends try to console us with words, but words are never enough. They are like whispers on the wind, barely audible, faint glimmers of sunshine peering through the distant horizon, and so very far away from where we are now, that is seems unlikely we will ever reach that peaceful place, and escape the storm.

    So we hold on to the wreckage, surviving minute by minute at times, unable to picture escaping the stormy sea,  only trying to survive this minute, this moment, until the next moment arrives and we repeat the process again. Over and over the process repeats, the minutes tick by, the hours pass unnoticed, day turns to night, and night into day, days into weeks, and weeks into months.

    Suddenly, we find the sea a bit calmer, the wind just a bit less brutal, and we know it is time to begin to heal. We have endured the pain, survived the barrage, and the edge of the storm is just a bit closer. It is now that our minds overpower our hearts, shutting them down, encasing them in a very necessary impenetrable shell, unreachable, protected, safe. With clarity of mind and purpose, we begin to paddle, working our way out of the storm, until we are in calm waters, still alone, but in calm waters.

    So we start to plan our ultimate escape, and in the distance we see an island, and we make our way toward it. As we wash up on the beach, still tattered and battered, we at least know we have found some security.  We build a shelter, find food, lick our wounds and continue reinforcing the hardened case our heart was placed in out at sea. Once we are certain it is safe, we begin looking for a way off the island, back to civilization, back to our life.

    This is the decision point people. This is when we must decide if we are going to uncase our heart, and become a whole person again. Or will we allow the previous experience to prevent us from any chance at finding happiness again? We are in the rebuilding stage, the stage where we are laying the foundation for our future.  Yes, we can rebuild completely and keep the heart safely encased, but it will mean a life without the possibility of a true love, the True Dynamic. Because you see, we need our heart to get that, we will have to trust it to another, as they trust theirs with us. If we want to be able to give and receive love, we have to open our hearts here at the rebuilding stage, so it gets stronger and healthier with the rest of us.

    I know alot of people will disagree with this, they will say "until you are fully healed you cannot give to another", but I respectfully disagree. I believe that if you have rebuilt enough of yourself where you are done grieving and pining away for the thing lost, then you are capable of once again entering into a dynamic. But you must be careful, do not just jump on a ship because it is passing by. Take your time, learn about who it is you are talking to. Get to really know them, and for Gods sake, do it on the phone or in person. Alot can be learned that way, from inflections, tones, and body language, and best of all -  predators don't have the time they need to edit and rewrite their bullshit.

    The True Dynamic, once found, will not only heal your remaining wounds, but it will surge a level of power into your lives that will enshroud you both, keep you and protect you, you will fill their valleys, reinforce their weaknesses, as they will do for you. And each of us must remember, the other will have some protections in place, or maybe even just need to learn how to trust you, be patient, be kind, be understanding.

Anyhwo, just my 2 cents on healing and moving forward, take it for whatever you will.

   Now you may or may not find this hard to believe, but after repeated failures finding a sub, I decided my approach was ALL WRONG!  There I was, just being myself, the person I was born to be, laying it all out there and waiting for one of the many, many contacts I have initiated to produce "her". Then I got it!! 

  So (and follow this through to the end now!) I booked a fast flight to Transylvania, and met with the one and only Dr. Frankendom! After a few days of deep deep counseling, he told me I was ready for the procedure! So here was this ancient looking theater room with 3 operating tables laid out in a semi circle, giant electrodes everywhere,  and a ferocious storm brewing outside.  He strapped me to one of the tables, gave me a mild sedative, and then strapped 2 more beings onto the other tables.

WHOA! To my shock what was on the other tables?

    Why none other than Christian Grey and a giant gorilla! The electrodes buzzed, the tables spun, and the room twirled as I fell out of consciousness! When I awoke, all my former personality and traits had been replaced by a combination if the two others!  Frankendom was smiling broadly as he released me from the table. I spent the next few days exploring my new personality, I had become ....

Suave to a fault! I was so smooth silk worms wanted to take lessons from me!

Powerrful and indestructible, nothing could affect me, nothing could hurt me, I had no weak moments or moments of insecurity!

Literally everything that came out of my mouth was right,  and anybody that doubted that just had to ask me

I held the power to accomplish anything, to dominate any sub with a mere glance, or my overpowering presence in the room, 

And ... I was sooooo damn good looking "I" even wanted to date me and submit to myself!

   So out into the world I went, everywhere I turned subs were falling at my feet, begging me to dominate them.  Naturally, being all powerful and hotter than Bill Clinton stuck in a monastery, I ignored them one after another, looking for the perfect one, the one I had done all this for. But as time went on, I began to realize these were not subs after all, well at least not any I wanted.  These were just superficial people looking for a thrill, the perfect match for any insta dom that may come around ....

   So back into the lab  I went, Dr Frankendom was waiting for me with an all knowing smile.  After a few moments, he began to speak as he fixed me back to the table.  "My boy, you came to me to become the perfect Dom yes? And I gave you all the things you thought you were missing, made you the picture of perfection for a Dom, and sent you out into the world. And yet you came back more unfulfilled and less happy then when we first met. That is because what you sought does not exist, it cannot, and if it did, it would not get you what you wanted. So now you go back to being you, but that is far better than what you became, Somewhere out there, there is a sub for you. Maybe younger, maybe older, maybe shorter or taller or thinner or larger, but she is out there, be patient, find her, she is searching for you too.

   I asked about the sedative for the process, and he smiled and told me, "becoming you was a mixed path of pain and joy, successes and failures, becoming you again can be no different. The agony was excruciating as the Gorilla and Mr Grey were removed, and my original self restored.  I left the lab, flew home, and opened up my blog here on the Cage, and once again began the process of searching for her...

   My trip had reminded me of one thing, to believe in the search, to believe the "True Dynamic" is out there waiting for me to find it, to never give up on her, because somewhere, she is waiting and searching too.....

With the exception of accessories or toys upon request ... I think I finally have it the way I want it!! Now to just add a sub! All freestanding toys are built with the capacity of 1,200 pounds limits, yes .. overkill, but yes .. SAFE!!!

One of 3 mainstays! This multipositional bench allows no less than 14 positions, including built in stocks,and a kneeling bench on the backside . has tie downs EVERYWHERE, the cushions have 4 positions, and I added adjustable arm holders for all toys to accommodate vibrators, or other toys!

The backside of that toy!

The newest addition!  once properly bound to it, the sub can be placed as shown,  flat and level, slightly inverted, or totally inverted! Has attach points for the all the toys in the playroom as well,  the legs adjust to 2 positions, and the amrs to 3 (straight up, straight out, or angled down as shown)

same toy in the level position

The St Andrews, was going to repurpose it, but whats a playroom without one?

the stand, many fun uses!!!!

The ceiling mounted padded cuffs, fixed with marine quality anchors to the wall studs, and 800Lb pulleys up top

the hand held impact playtoys!  (and 2 adjustable toy holders in the middle)

Mainly vibrators, a lush device, lubricant, toy cleaner, and other various toys

A new toy! Power stroking sex machine, lots of attachments, stand makes it available for the other toys at the same time  :)

And finally - 4 smart bulbs, endless color possibilities   :)

Well thats it for now! A 7 month labor of love ... now to get to use it lol!

So my bottle came back this afternoon (see blog below), but, I apparently misread the situation entirely. Seems all there was in the bottle was a "Hello" from a friend, but having friends is a good thing too! . But thats ok, I got some new bottles today, and and furiously writing out more messages to toss out into the ocean of BDSM.  I know I will find what I am looking for, I just have to persevere, and remind myself that if the journey was simple or easy, most likely the reward at the end would be to.

So on we go!...

...

I remember as a young teenage boy, living in Virginia Beach on an Army base, how the thought of a "message in a bottle" seemed to encapsulate the most romantic thoughts that were available to me at the time. How I wrote a simple message out, telling a little of myself, and how to reach me, and then placed it inside a carefully cleaned and dried wine bottle and headed to the beach. Now on Fort Story, there was a place where some old landing craft were beached, and at high tide, if you were standing on one, you'd be 40 or 50 feet out in the water. So I boarded her, and sat and waited for the tide to come in, daydreaming all the while about who might find it, and what reply I might get. 

Once the water was up around the edges, I stood up and hurled the bottle as far out in the ocean as I could manage, took my seat, and watched the bottle drift off into the vast ocean with my dreams inside it as I waited for the low tide, to get off the craft and head home.

For months I waited for an answer, but, as I am sure the majority of bottle wishes wind up,  no answer was ever to be received. 

Communicating here on the Cage is alot like that. We find some reason to contact somebody, and then we wait to see if there is a response. Sometimes we are lucky, and we get a reply, and a short, brief, communicative exchange takes place before it usually vanishes off into the vast ocean, never to be seen or heard of again. Other times we simply never do get a reply, or even an indication that it was ever received. and sometimes, yet very rarely indeed, our bottle crosses the ocean and we get a reply much much later than expected. 

I found a bottle awhile back, and became more and more excited every time a new bottle from her arrived, and I answered as much as possible, but.... for some reason it seemed the frequency of bottles landing and launching diminished over time, and I thought it might just be another lost cause. Then out of the blue, another bottle has arrived on my beach .. only tomorrow will tell what message there may be inside... I wonder what it will bring, so here I am, same as I was as a young teen, daydreaming the possibilities and headed to bed with a smile on my face, at least a bottle arrived .....  

FAIR WARNING: THIS IS NOT MY NORMAL TYPE OF BLOG

     This morning was started about the same as any morning. I got up, sat down at my computer, brewed a cup of coffee, paid my attention dues to my 2 furry roommates, hooped in the shower, got dressed, and stepped out of the house and into another day on the way to work.

     I climbed into my Silverado and started backing out of the driveway. Now note, nothing here is changed from any other morning in my routine, but as I placed the truck in drive, I happened to notice my next door neighbor was outside, raising the flag on his flagpole. Then it hit me.

     All I had been thinking about this weekend was I was going to be off, the 4th of July weekend, 2 days of rest or project time, but my time! But seeing that flag headed to its position at the top of the pole, I started thinking about what that meant, and what it cost.

     The Boston Tea party, Patriots revolting against tyranny, standing up for what they believed in, risking their very lives to do so. And the war that followed, men, boys, children fighting hand to hand, molten balls of lead exploding in their bodies as they were struck by enemy shots. Cannon balls weighing up to 42 pounds each tearing through masses of soldiers at breakneck speeds, dismembering people, shattering their bodies as they ripped through the line.

     Then the civil war, brother killing brother, father killing son, American killing American, while all the while foreign powers assisting one side, or even both, trying to help this country destroy itself.

     The Alamo, 190 men going to war with up to 6,000 enemy soldiers, their deaths a forgone conclusion, only the manner and meaning of those deaths to be decided/

     And all the wars, battles, and skirmished that have followed over the course of our country’s history, far too many to write about and keep your attention, but important all the same. The price for freedom, the price for independence, the cost of my weekend off.

     And yet, as I think about our country today, we are still fighting, fighting wars across the seas, but far far worse, fighting American vs American. Some of us, in the name of peace and humanity, incite others to destroy our neighborhoods, to loot, plunder and pillage, and to kill our neighbors. I am not talking about the people who protest the wrongs, I am speaking about those who piggyback on their movement, taking advantage of a group exercising their constitutional rights, in order to commit multiple scores of felonies for personal gain.

     So as we enter this 4th of July weekend, and celebrate our nations independence, and our personal freedoms, which includes our ability to live in this lifestyle we have chosen, and the right and civic duty to protest the wrongs to try to make the right,  let’s remember those who paid the price over the last 200 years so that we can celebrate this very special day, and perhaps in the near future, we will also be able to find a way to prevent riots, burnings, pillaging, murder, and looting in the name of humanity.

Call it what you wish to, me, I prefer to call it the relationship roller coaster. Let me tell you why….
There we are, making a decision as to what park we want to go to this time around. There are several choices … we can go to the Vanilla park, the Not-so vanilla park, or the park most of us have chosen to attend, the BDSM park. But why? How did this come to be? Lets look at them 1 by 1. So first, the vanilla park.

Safe, Sturdy, with traditional values, no risk, no judgements, nobody thinking you are “different”, and definitely the easiest to find a partner to ride with… But …. Boring as hell, and totally unfulfilling. You wait in line to find a partner to ride with, and when you do, you better really enjoy the person, because In the world or roller coasters, its basically the bland and boring kiddie ride with no thrills and no chills. So most of “us” just pass it by.

Then we have the not so vanilla ride. It has a couple twists, one small hill, but few if any thrills for “us”. It APPEARS to be a thrilling ride, and the people on the platform are making all kinds of noise too! Now, for some who have never been to this park, they enter it just to get a glimpse of what other parks may offer, As they wait in line, once they get to the platform, the SUPER DOMS,and PERFECTO SUBS (insta Doms and insta Subs) are eagerly waiting to be your partner, to “help you” explore, but as we all know, in the end most likely damage or destroy your will or desire to come back to the ride again, or maybe even make you hate going to parks at all.

     Then, if we are lucky or brave enough to enter it, we find the BDSM park. The coaster is.. to say the least, terrifying to the inexperienced rider. With mountainous hills, deep valleys, multiple twists and turns, and it extends as far as the eye can see. So we enter the park, and look about patiently to find our partner to ride with.
But this is just beginning .. unlike the other parks, where you just get in line and jump on the ride, here we have far far fewer potential partners to choose from. And our friends told us we need to be careful who we get on the ride with too, so we take our time in selecting a partner.
Once we find them, we get in the slow moving line, and start the process of getting to know them. Sometimes, while waiting, we discover this is not the person we need to ride with, so we exit the line and go back to the entrance and search again.

     If we are persistent enough to find another partner, and lucky enough to make it through the line, we gradually make our way to the platform. Once there, we are given a choice of which track to ride, but we are each asked to choose individually. And If we do not choose the same track, we get sent back to – you guessed it, the entrance to start again.
Hopefully, we get to enter the ride! As the ride starts, we notice a little red button in the car, one for each of us. It is activated at the beginning and end of each turn, twist, hill, valley and spiral. At each new experience, we have the option of hitting that button, knowing fully well if one does and one does not, our car will be separated from the group, and we get returned to the entrance to start over.

     We have to be careful about that button! You don’t want to hit it because you have never been on this part of the track, you only want to hit it if the other insists on exploring it, and you insist on never exploring it. With each new section of the ride we experience, comes a new found bond with our riding partner. A new level of trust in the ride, While the Loops TERRIFY us (in a good way), our riding partner is there reassuring us and getting us through. Some sections we both are thrilled with, sometimes we ask our car to avoid a section all together, but that’s the whole point, we are making the journey together, joined, and far more powerful than anything the ride can encounter….

.  ..........................

     So when you are looking for your partner, be sure the person you select is one that can make the whole ride a lifetime experience that will never end, and not just a fast thrill. Oh, and make sure they aren’t wearing a cape. The Super Stud Insta Dom or Perfecta Sub you may be measuring every potential partner against, may have you overlooking you own happiness …..

     I have posed this question before, and will do so again now. If God told you he/she would gift to you the True BDSM Dynamic, but in 15 years would take one of you from this Earth … would you pass the offer up or embrace it? Find the PERSON you can live this with, not the picture in your mind….. they may be older or younger, taller or shorter, near or far, but I promise you, the ride is worth the effort …..

Just good old oldie, but a damn good one, and one that I personally find uplifiting!

 
"Somebody Special"

By Rod Stewart

How can you say life's getting you down
Get yourself out go along with the crowd
You're all dressed up got nowhere to go
You feel left out cause nobody showed
listen babe

When you think you're the only one
Who can't find love in this world
Tell yourself there's another one
Who's waiting for you, somewhere

Somebody special is thinking of you
Somebody special is dreaming of you
Somebody special is longing for you
Somebody special, special

Magazine dreams are easy stuff
But heaven knows they ain't good enough
Picture yourself from reel to reel
And get your hands on that driving wheel
And you know what

When it's hard to satisfy
A simple simple fantasy
Somebody somewhere is on your side
Waiting for you, crying

Somebody special, is looking for you
Somebody special, is searching for you
Somebody special, is waiting for you
Somebody special, somebody special

Maybe your heart's tormenting you
Why should it have any reason to
Wipe off that negativity
Put on some positivity

And when you think you're the only one
Who can't find love in this world
Tell yourself there's another one
Who's waiting for you, somewhere

Somebody special, is dreaming of you
Somebody special, is looking for you
Somebody special, is waiting for you
Somebody special, somebody special

Found this song tucked away in one of my MP3 folders from long long ago. Forgot how much I liked it back then,  and today, as my journey toward the ever elusive True BDSM Dynamic continues...  it seems even more appropriate, because when I first heard it, all I ever knew of was Vanilla, and this world didn't even exist to me...

"I Need Love"
By LL Cool J

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove
for the first time in my life, I see I need love

There I was giggling about the games
that I had played with many hearts, and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occured, tear drops made my eyes burn
as I said to myself look what you've done to her
I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels
all I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal

Playing make believe pretending that I'm true
holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amor kissing you on the ear
whispering I love you and I'll always be here

Although I often reminsce I can't believe that I found
a desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
one half of me deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half needs affection and joy
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy

I need love
I need love

Romance sheer delight how sweet
I gotta find me a girl to make my life complete
You can scratch my back, we'll get cozy and huddle
I'll lay down my jacket so you can walk over a puddle
I'll give you a rose, pull out your chair before we eat
kiss you on the cheek and say ooh girl you're so sweet

It's deja vu whenever I'm with you
I could go on forever telling you what I do
But where you at you're neither here or there
I swear I can't find you anywhere
Damn sure you ain't in my closet, or under my rug
this love search is really making me bug

And if you know who you are why don't you make yourself seen
take the chance with my love and you'll find out what I mean
Fantasy's can run but they can't hide
and when I find you I'm gon' pour all my love inside

I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you hold you never scold you just love you
suck on you neck, caress you and rub you
Grind moan and never be alone
if you're not standing next to me you're on the phone

Can't you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I've got money but love's something I've never had
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who's 10 feet tall

I'd watch the sunrise in your eyes
we're so in love when we hug we become paralyzed
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal
you're as soft as a pillow and I'm as hard as steel

It's like a dream land, I can't lie I never been there
maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet
I swear to you this is something that I'll never forget

I need love
I need love

See what I mean I've changed I'm no longer
a play boy on the run I need something that's stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration
this whole experience has been such a revelation

It's taught me love and how to be a real man
to always be considerate and do all I can
Protect you you're my lady and you mean so much
my body tingles all over from the slightest touch

Of your hand and understand I'll be frozen in time
till we meet face to face and you tell me you're mine
If I find you girl I swear I'll be a good man
I'm not gonna leave it in destiny's hands

I can't sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I'll search the whole world for that special girl
when I finally find you watch our love unfurl

I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin in my room all alone, staring at the wall
fantasies, they go through my mind
And I've come to realize that I need true love
and if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen

I'll be waiting...
I love you

"Darkness"

     I recall as a young child, I never really feared the dark. Yes, it was an unknown, and perhaps living in the protected world of my parents and family, I  instinctively knew that if something were to come from it, I would be protected and preserved.  As time marched on, I learned that you cannot always be protected, and despite best intentions or efforts, sometimes... the darkness wins, and exacts a toll of varying intensity or cost, depending on what was at risk when it found you.

     And yet, still, despite all known encounters with it, the darkness remains unnamed, undefined. It comes as a thief in the night, to rob and steal, to defeat and destroy, to damage and defile.  It does not manifest itself at times when we are strongest, it waits until we are weak and weary from the battles of life, bereft of energy to resist it.

     Such is a time I find myself in now. I have always been self sustaining man, proud and composed and together, strong of heart, mind, and soul.  Yes, I have had my share of demons visit me from the darkness throughout my life,  but was always able to cling to what light remained, battle back the darkness, and reclaim my post in this world. I have always rediscovered my center, my source of power, and each time I did battle with the darkness, I have come back stronger.

      But now, I can sense the darkness drawing near again, I smell the foul stench or rotting torment ever so lightly on the winds of my world. I know it is coming, and I must prepare myself to have the will to defeat it.  But... this battle is different, so many things have changed in my world, my center is scattered upon the winds of time.  My children are grown now, so that role is gone. My Father and Mother no longer walk this Earth, and that role is gone.  My marriage of 30 years  has come and gone some years back, and that role is gone.  In fact, it seems all the roles I have held over the years have now become either extinct or obsolete. For the first time In my life, there is only me.... nobody to protect, no rally cry to reforge the strength of years gone by. No purpose ....no role

     But, I also know that I am not the type to lay down and take a beating either. I will rally to this fight, I must. I cannot and will not allow myself to succumb to  the darkness... it is not a natural thing for me to do.   Perhaps it is this that draws me unto the BDSM World, has me searching for the grail, a new purpose, a new role.

     The role of Dominant in a BDSM Dynamic, to once again be needed and to need, to love and be loved,  to care and be cared for. To pour heart and soul into the raging inferno of a power exchange so intense that it's mere existence causes the darkness to tremble. Regardless of the outcome,  my trip in this world has done this for me, I have come to know myself far better than I ever have before...