A Dom's Tale ~ The journey there and back again

Call it what you wish to, me, I prefer to call it the relationship roller coaster. Let me tell you why….
There we are, making a decision as to what park we want to go to this time around. There are several choices … we can go to the Vanilla park, the Not-so vanilla park, or the park most of us have chosen to attend, the BDSM park. But why? How did this come to be? Lets look at them 1 by 1. So first, the vanilla park.

Safe, Sturdy, with traditional values, no risk, no judgements, nobody thinking you are “different”, and definitely the easiest to find a partner to ride with… But …. Boring as hell, and totally unfulfilling. You wait in line to find a partner to ride with, and when you do, you better really enjoy the person, because In the world or roller coasters, its basically the bland and boring kiddie ride with no thrills and no chills. So most of “us” just pass it by.

Then we have the not so vanilla ride. It has a couple twists, one small hill, but few if any thrills for “us”. It APPEARS to be a thrilling ride, and the people on the platform are making all kinds of noise too! Now, for some who have never been to this park, they enter it just to get a glimpse of what other parks may offer, As they wait in line, once they get to the platform, the SUPER DOMS,and PERFECTO SUBS (insta Doms and insta Subs) are eagerly waiting to be your partner, to “help you” explore, but as we all know, in the end most likely damage or destroy your will or desire to come back to the ride again, or maybe even make you hate going to parks at all.

     Then, if we are lucky or brave enough to enter it, we find the BDSM park. The coaster is.. to say the least, terrifying to the inexperienced rider. With mountainous hills, deep valleys, multiple twists and turns, and it extends as far as the eye can see. So we enter the park, and look about patiently to find our partner to ride with.
But this is just beginning .. unlike the other parks, where you just get in line and jump on the ride, here we have far far fewer potential partners to choose from. And our friends told us we need to be careful who we get on the ride with too, so we take our time in selecting a partner.
Once we find them, we get in the slow moving line, and start the process of getting to know them. Sometimes, while waiting, we discover this is not the person we need to ride with, so we exit the line and go back to the entrance and search again.

     If we are persistent enough to find another partner, and lucky enough to make it through the line, we gradually make our way to the platform. Once there, we are given a choice of which track to ride, but we are each asked to choose individually. And If we do not choose the same track, we get sent back to – you guessed it, the entrance to start again.
Hopefully, we get to enter the ride! As the ride starts, we notice a little red button in the car, one for each of us. It is activated at the beginning and end of each turn, twist, hill, valley and spiral. At each new experience, we have the option of hitting that button, knowing fully well if one does and one does not, our car will be separated from the group, and we get returned to the entrance to start over.

     We have to be careful about that button! You don’t want to hit it because you have never been on this part of the track, you only want to hit it if the other insists on exploring it, and you insist on never exploring it. With each new section of the ride we experience, comes a new found bond with our riding partner. A new level of trust in the ride, While the Loops TERRIFY us (in a good way), our riding partner is there reassuring us and getting us through. Some sections we both are thrilled with, sometimes we ask our car to avoid a section all together, but that’s the whole point, we are making the journey together, joined, and far more powerful than anything the ride can encounter….

.  ..........................

     So when you are looking for your partner, be sure the person you select is one that can make the whole ride a lifetime experience that will never end, and not just a fast thrill. Oh, and make sure they aren’t wearing a cape. The Super Stud Insta Dom or Perfecta Sub you may be measuring every potential partner against, may have you overlooking you own happiness …..

     I have posed this question before, and will do so again now. If God told you he/she would gift to you the True BDSM Dynamic, but in 15 years would take one of you from this Earth … would you pass the offer up or embrace it? Find the PERSON you can live this with, not the picture in your mind….. they may be older or younger, taller or shorter, near or far, but I promise you, the ride is worth the effort …..

Just good old oldie, but a damn good one, and one that I personally find uplifiting!

 
"Somebody Special"

By Rod Stewart

How can you say life's getting you down
Get yourself out go along with the crowd
You're all dressed up got nowhere to go
You feel left out cause nobody showed
listen babe

When you think you're the only one
Who can't find love in this world
Tell yourself there's another one
Who's waiting for you, somewhere

Somebody special is thinking of you
Somebody special is dreaming of you
Somebody special is longing for you
Somebody special, special

Magazine dreams are easy stuff
But heaven knows they ain't good enough
Picture yourself from reel to reel
And get your hands on that driving wheel
And you know what

When it's hard to satisfy
A simple simple fantasy
Somebody somewhere is on your side
Waiting for you, crying

Somebody special, is looking for you
Somebody special, is searching for you
Somebody special, is waiting for you
Somebody special, somebody special

Maybe your heart's tormenting you
Why should it have any reason to
Wipe off that negativity
Put on some positivity

And when you think you're the only one
Who can't find love in this world
Tell yourself there's another one
Who's waiting for you, somewhere

Somebody special, is dreaming of you
Somebody special, is looking for you
Somebody special, is waiting for you
Somebody special, somebody special

Found this song tucked away in one of my MP3 folders from long long ago. Forgot how much I liked it back then,  and today, as my journey toward the ever elusive True BDSM Dynamic continues...  it seems even more appropriate, because when I first heard it, all I ever knew of was Vanilla, and this world didn't even exist to me...

"I Need Love"
By LL Cool J

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove
for the first time in my life, I see I need love

There I was giggling about the games
that I had played with many hearts, and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occured, tear drops made my eyes burn
as I said to myself look what you've done to her
I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels
all I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal

Playing make believe pretending that I'm true
holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amor kissing you on the ear
whispering I love you and I'll always be here

Although I often reminsce I can't believe that I found
a desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
one half of me deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half needs affection and joy
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy

I need love
I need love

Romance sheer delight how sweet
I gotta find me a girl to make my life complete
You can scratch my back, we'll get cozy and huddle
I'll lay down my jacket so you can walk over a puddle
I'll give you a rose, pull out your chair before we eat
kiss you on the cheek and say ooh girl you're so sweet

It's deja vu whenever I'm with you
I could go on forever telling you what I do
But where you at you're neither here or there
I swear I can't find you anywhere
Damn sure you ain't in my closet, or under my rug
this love search is really making me bug

And if you know who you are why don't you make yourself seen
take the chance with my love and you'll find out what I mean
Fantasy's can run but they can't hide
and when I find you I'm gon' pour all my love inside

I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you hold you never scold you just love you
suck on you neck, caress you and rub you
Grind moan and never be alone
if you're not standing next to me you're on the phone

Can't you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I've got money but love's something I've never had
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who's 10 feet tall

I'd watch the sunrise in your eyes
we're so in love when we hug we become paralyzed
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal
you're as soft as a pillow and I'm as hard as steel

It's like a dream land, I can't lie I never been there
maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet
I swear to you this is something that I'll never forget

I need love
I need love

See what I mean I've changed I'm no longer
a play boy on the run I need something that's stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration
this whole experience has been such a revelation

It's taught me love and how to be a real man
to always be considerate and do all I can
Protect you you're my lady and you mean so much
my body tingles all over from the slightest touch

Of your hand and understand I'll be frozen in time
till we meet face to face and you tell me you're mine
If I find you girl I swear I'll be a good man
I'm not gonna leave it in destiny's hands

I can't sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I'll search the whole world for that special girl
when I finally find you watch our love unfurl

I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin in my room all alone, staring at the wall
fantasies, they go through my mind
And I've come to realize that I need true love
and if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen

I'll be waiting...
I love you

"Darkness"

     I recall as a young child, I never really feared the dark. Yes, it was an unknown, and perhaps living in the protected world of my parents and family, I  instinctively knew that if something were to come from it, I would be protected and preserved.  As time marched on, I learned that you cannot always be protected, and despite best intentions or efforts, sometimes... the darkness wins, and exacts a toll of varying intensity or cost, depending on what was at risk when it found you.

     And yet, still, despite all known encounters with it, the darkness remains unnamed, undefined. It comes as a thief in the night, to rob and steal, to defeat and destroy, to damage and defile.  It does not manifest itself at times when we are strongest, it waits until we are weak and weary from the battles of life, bereft of energy to resist it.

     Such is a time I find myself in now. I have always been self sustaining man, proud and composed and together, strong of heart, mind, and soul.  Yes, I have had my share of demons visit me from the darkness throughout my life,  but was always able to cling to what light remained, battle back the darkness, and reclaim my post in this world. I have always rediscovered my center, my source of power, and each time I did battle with the darkness, I have come back stronger.

      But now, I can sense the darkness drawing near again, I smell the foul stench or rotting torment ever so lightly on the winds of my world. I know it is coming, and I must prepare myself to have the will to defeat it.  But... this battle is different, so many things have changed in my world, my center is scattered upon the winds of time.  My children are grown now, so that role is gone. My Father and Mother no longer walk this Earth, and that role is gone.  My marriage of 30 years  has come and gone some years back, and that role is gone.  In fact, it seems all the roles I have held over the years have now become either extinct or obsolete. For the first time In my life, there is only me.... nobody to protect, no rally cry to reforge the strength of years gone by. No purpose ....no role

     But, I also know that I am not the type to lay down and take a beating either. I will rally to this fight, I must. I cannot and will not allow myself to succumb to  the darkness... it is not a natural thing for me to do.   Perhaps it is this that draws me unto the BDSM World, has me searching for the grail, a new purpose, a new role.

     The role of Dominant in a BDSM Dynamic, to once again be needed and to need, to love and be loved,  to care and be cared for. To pour heart and soul into the raging inferno of a power exchange so intense that it's mere existence causes the darkness to tremble. Regardless of the outcome,  my trip in this world has done this for me, I have come to know myself far better than I ever have before...  

There it is, the eternal image of the thing we all seek, the Holy Grail.  Yet for us it is not some omnipotent chalice hidden deep in some dark cavern, protected by Angels through the millenniums, to be approached only by the most worthy and true.

For us it is the unified power of two into one, the heart and soul tested forging and melding of the "True Bdsm Dynamic".  When two people, Dominant and Submissive, form bonds so deep, love so true, a mutual need so great, that their differences transform into their power. Where age and time no longer have the power to control them, where weakness is turned to strength, loneliness and fear into belonging and safety. And just as in the image above, their power surrounds them, protects them, sustains them throughout time and life, and when they leave this planet, the creator himself will look upon what he has made with great joy and welcome them home.

So where is it? How is it found? how is it formed? The answers to these questions are different for each of us, for each dynamic is an original creation, as unique as  a snowflake gently falling to the Earth. We refer to our roles in the quest as "Dominant" and "Submissive", yet I suggest to you that to find the Holy Grail, we must each be both. I will use "he" as dominant and "she" as submissive from this point, because that is my reality. They can be interchanged in your mind dear reader if it so suits you.

Yes, the main role of the Dominant is to guide, to protect, to nurture, to teach, to love, and to respect. But in the filling of that role come acts of submission as well. He must be willing to surrender his past, accept his future, submit if you will his deepest fears and weaknesses into the care of another, the only things he knows he cannot rule, control, or protect once truly exposed. His Achilles heel if you will... his love, heart, soul, and unending need for her in his life, and he must trust her with all his heart not to abuse or misuse it. He must be willing to expose these weaknesses to another, reveal all there is to reveal, and trust that the dynamic will embrace and protect. The Grail cannot be found without this act of submission in my humble opinion. But what of her?

Yes her role is one of submission, and they both know and have agreed upon what level that will exist upon. So you ask, how must she be dominant? Yes, she has given her submission to him, to hold and protect but she also has been given a charge equally or perhaps even greater than his. She holds in her hands the very heart of the warrior, every weakness in his armor exposed to the core, the very blueprints of how he may be destroyed in the cruelest manner possible. And she must care for it, protect it, nurture it, reinforce it when needed through her own act of submission. In the dark silent hours of the night, when his own fears creep in upon him, she must be there to reassure him of his role, and that he has done his part well, and that his own acts of submission are well placed and safe. Again, I submit to you the Grail cannot be found without it.

And it is through these acts of submission and dominance that the "True Dynamic" forms it's power. It embraces them both, the power flowing freely between them, bonding them equally, surrounding them with an impenetrable shield that no power could possibly penetrate, and no Creator would want to. I do not mean this to be a comprehensive guide to your journey, merely points of consideration for your quest.

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

Maya Angelou

Not saying his character was a Dom,  but I am saying this embodies the power of a true dynamic in my somewhat romanticized opinion.  His need to preserve and protect, and the lack of limits ......

The questions are reflected by the love in her eyes, her soul is peering through these fragile windows, looking at you and wondering if you are going to be the one. She wonders what this future holds, where it will take her, you, us. Nobody can fortell the future, but when I finally meet you, there are some things I can at least promise you... and some things I cannot.

I cannot promise nothing will ever hurt you again, the world is full of treachery, and while I will protect you with all my might and ability, there will be times you are hurt, that no person could have fortold.

I can promise you that when you are hurt, I will race to your side with Godspeed, and scream to the heavens and pray to my God for the strength to shield you from the storm, to fend off the wolves craving your very heart with every ounce of power in my soul, and when the battle is over, and we have won, my main goal in this world will be to heal you, to let the love and strength flow from our dynamic, from me into you until the joy in your eyes returns, the peace in your world is restored, and I know you are safe once again.

I cannot promise to take your submission. Your submission is not mine, nor anyone else's to take. It is as much a part of you as your very soul, so it can be only truly possessed by you.

I can promise to do all that can be done to earn the right and trust to hold it, to cherish it, to protect it, and to prove to you that you can trust me with it, and if the day ever comes when you wish to take it from me, I can promise you that I will release it back to you at your request.

I cannot promise to never be wrong, or make a mistake.

I can promise to admit and learn from any mistakes I make, and to right any wrong or damage to you or us as a result of my mistake. I will listen to your heart, and as our hearts beat as one, I will do my utmost best to let them be my guide in making decisions, with your best interest always considered first.

I can promise to always make you feel loved, wanted, desired, and needed. to let you into my heart as you have let me into yours.To share all that is possible for two acting as one.

Just know we appreciate you....but be careful.... this song will haunt you like no other... in a good way. :))

If you have never heard it, google it on youtube andshut everything else off, and just listen to this song. It is one of the most emotionally powerful songs I have ever heard....and IMHO it embodies the power of the BDSM Dynamic

Meat Loaf – For Crying Out Loud
"For Crying Out Loud (you Know I Love You)" as written by and Jim Steinman....

I was lost till you were found
But I never knew how far down
I was falling before I reached the bottom
I was cold and you were fire
And I never knew how the pyre
Could be burning
On the edge of the ice field

And the now chilly California wind
Is blowing down our bodies again
And we're sinking deeper and deeper into the chilly California sand
Oh I know you belong inside my aching heart
And can't you see my faded Levis bursting apart
And don't you hear me crying
Oh babe, don't go
And don't you hear me screaming
How was I to know?

I'm in the middle of nowhere
Near the end of the line
But there's a border to somewhere waiting
And there's a tankful of time
Oh give me just another moment to see the light of the day
And take me to another land where I don't have to stay

And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do
And I will receive somebody with open arms, open eyes,
Open up the sky and let the planet that I love shine through

For crying out loud
You know I love you
For crying out loud
You know I love you
For crying out loud
You know I love you

I was damned and you were saved
And I never knew how enslaved
I was kneeling in the chains of my master

I could laugh but you could cry
And I never knew just how high
I was flying
Ah, with you right above me

And the now chilly California wind
Is blowing down our bodies again
And we're sinking deeper and deeper into the chilly California sand
Oh I know you belong inside my aching heart
And can't you see my faded Levis bursting apart
And don't you hear me crying
Oh Babe, don't go
And don't you hear me screaming
How was I to know?

I'm in the middle of nowhere
Near the end of the line
But there's a border to somewhere waiting
And there's a tankful of time
Oh give me just another moment to see the light of the day
And take me to another land where I don't have to stay

And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do
And I will receive somebody with open arms, open eyes,
Open up the sky and let the planet that I love shine through

For crying out loud
You know I love you
For crying out loud
You know I love your
For crying out loud
You know I love you
For crying out loud
You know I love you

For taking in the rain when I'm feeling so dry
For giving me the answers when I'm asking you why
And my oh my
For that I thank you

For taking in the sun when I'm feeling so cold
For giving me a child when my body is old
And don't you know
For that I need you

For coming to my room when you know I'm alone
For finding me a highway and driving me home
And you gotta know
For that I serve you

For pulling me away when I'm starting to fall
For revving me up when I'm starting to stall
And all in all
For that I want you

For taking and for giving and for playing the game
For praying for my future in the days that remain
Oh Lord
For that I hold you

Ah but most of all
For cryin' out loud
For that I love you

Ah but most of all
For cryin' out loud
For that I love you

Ah but most of all
For cryin' out loud
For that I love you

When you're crying out loud
You know I love you

     If you want to understand this post, you are going to have to read it all the way to the end, it is about my lifes twisted little journey this week .. one where I could not see the path for the pain until I reached the end of the path....literally

     So Monday morning I said a very unexpected goodbye to "Count von Cat" - my loyal cat and unwavering friend of 15 years. It was tough, having to let the local vet take his life for his own good and ending of suffering.  All day Monday I was somewhat moody and depressed a bit at work, and Monday night (though thank God I cannot remember it) I had some awful dreams. I woke up Tuesday to a day off of work, somewhat tired from a night of restless sleep, yet committed to pulling myself "up by the bootstraps" ... and doing what I always am able to do with a bit of concentration, weather the storm, hit the waves head on, pass out of the eye of the storm, and come out stronger and more determined on the other side.

    Tuesday morning, bright and early, the plan was going well, and yes I know losing a pet is by comparison a gloved punch by comparison to rest of our lives. It stings, but we will overcome it,   and I was well on my way.  I made a cup of coffee, reminded myself why I had made the decisions I had the day before, gave a prayer to God to take care of the Count for me,  and re-entered the stream of life, starting by cleaning up the area Count spent his last few days in, and giving the house a general cleaning as well.  I sat down at my computer with an ice tea to do a little gaming, catch up on local and national news,  and the the damn phone rang .....

     A quick glance at the caller ID revealed it was my brother in Florida. I picked it up, said hello, and after a minute or two of the normal greeting pleasantries and chatter, he dropped the bomb. the reason for the call...... "I am just going to say this straight out, Dad went into the hospital in Tennessee Saturday night, and as of this afternoon he is on a ventilator.  the doctors feel he will not survive once taken off, and if he does, they are moving him to hospice for "general organ failure", Heart, kidneys,  basically his body is shutting down." I was stunned, speechless, and without a word to utter. He continued ..."He told (his wife) not to tell anybody unless it was looking final." 

     That made sense, and was just like him too. He had been in and out the hospital many times over the last few years, survived cancer, lung disorders, and heart disease. He was a tough tough man, but he was also 81, and this was a fight he knew he could not win.  The sun on the next morning found me speeding through Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky,  and finally Tennessee at speeds between 80 and 100mph, while my Brother was doing the same from the South. At 2 hours till my arrival, I cut speed and dropped back the speed limit.

     Don't ask me how I knew, I can't tell you. But I have always had a sense for things, and I at that moment knew my father had died.  Five minutes later my brother called to tell me not to hurry any longer, Dad had indeed passed away.  For my brother it was worse, he was a mere 15 to 20 minutes away when he got the call. 

     So why am I telling you all this? Partially because it is therapeutic for me to do so, to begin to stabilize my world with it's very first cornerstone, the one that was always there, the one I could always count on,  forcibly removed from my life by a power I cannot combat.  But moreso, to tell you about his last day when he was able to communicate, to give you just a small glimpse of the man the world lost on Weds this week.

     The next day my stepmother of 46 years (a wonderful woman he was lucky to find) spoke of him often, and told us some of Mondays events at the hospital.  He spoke of his love for her, and for all his family.  He spoke of being ready to go, that he had lived a complete life and was prepared to go now.  He told her she would not have to worry, that he had taken care of everything in advance. In short, he spent the last day of his life easing the grief and suffering of those he would leave behind, with little or no thoughts for himself.

    We went to the funeral home the next day, and indeed, everything but the obituary was already handled. He had it set up so there would be no visitations, no ceremonies, no actual graveside service (by law from the Virus outbreak). So we wrote the Obit as a group and headed to the house for a day of family gathering and mutual support.  She brought out some folders he had arranged and organized that would settle all the rest of his affairs, already in place, nothing for any of us to do but move on, as he wanted it, and as usual, he got his way. 

     So you see, we did not make it in time to see him alive again, but he had been basically comatose the last day, and would not have wanted us to remember him that way, but rather the last time we saw him instead, and with no visitation, no services, and no graveside, that is exactly how I remember him, the only way that was left open to me, as he told me he loved me and to drive home carefully. Everything that happened post death was also at his direction, to take care of his family one last time, to ease his passing for us.

     And the following morning, as I headed down the drive to begin my journey home, I stopped short of the winding country road that leads back to the highway, and gave a short prayer, You see, I finally got it, and the understanding gave me peace, and stability.  I smiled to myself as I thought back on the week. I actually chuckled a bit as I realized that God is a pretty good planner too. He had planned to ease my fathers passing for him as he was easing it for us.To welcome him to his new existence with a familiar and comforting face, and a memento of his family to hold onto.

    The prayer I offered...it was simple, I simply asked God to get Count von Cat to my father, to keep him company, until the rest of us arrive. I believe Count left to be a friend for one very selfless man who might need one, and definitely deserved one. So Rest in peace Dad, and please take good care of Count.........  p.s. He loves sitting on your shoulders, and Lord knows yours are more than wide enough for a kitty ...