If you want to understand this post, you are going to have to read it all the way to the end, it is about my lifes twisted little journey this week .. one where I could not see the path for the pain until I reached the end of the path....literally
So Monday morning I said a very unexpected goodbye to "Count von Cat" - my loyal cat and unwavering friend of 15 years. It was tough, having to let the local vet take his life for his own good and ending of suffering. All day Monday I was somewhat moody and depressed a bit at work, and Monday night (though thank God I cannot remember it) I had some awful dreams. I woke up Tuesday to a day off of work, somewhat tired from a night of restless sleep, yet committed to pulling myself "up by the bootstraps" ... and doing what I always am able to do with a bit of concentration, weather the storm, hit the waves head on, pass out of the eye of the storm, and come out stronger and more determined on the other side.
Tuesday morning, bright and early, the plan was going well, and yes I know losing a pet is by comparison a gloved punch by comparison to rest of our lives. It stings, but we will overcome it, and I was well on my way. I made a cup of coffee, reminded myself why I had made the decisions I had the day before, gave a prayer to God to take care of the Count for me, and re-entered the stream of life, starting by cleaning up the area Count spent his last few days in, and giving the house a general cleaning as well. I sat down at my computer with an ice tea to do a little gaming, catch up on local and national news, and the the damn phone rang .....
A quick glance at the caller ID revealed it was my brother in Florida. I picked it up, said hello, and after a minute or two of the normal greeting pleasantries and chatter, he dropped the bomb. the reason for the call...... "I am just going to say this straight out, Dad went into the hospital in Tennessee Saturday night, and as of this afternoon he is on a ventilator. the doctors feel he will not survive once taken off, and if he does, they are moving him to hospice for "general organ failure", Heart, kidneys, basically his body is shutting down." I was stunned, speechless, and without a word to utter. He continued ..."He told (his wife) not to tell anybody unless it was looking final."
That made sense, and was just like him too. He had been in and out the hospital many times over the last few years, survived cancer, lung disorders, and heart disease. He was a tough tough man, but he was also 81, and this was a fight he knew he could not win. The sun on the next morning found me speeding through Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, and finally Tennessee at speeds between 80 and 100mph, while my Brother was doing the same from the South. At 2 hours till my arrival, I cut speed and dropped back the speed limit.
Don't ask me how I knew, I can't tell you. But I have always had a sense for things, and I at that moment knew my father had died. Five minutes later my brother called to tell me not to hurry any longer, Dad had indeed passed away. For my brother it was worse, he was a mere 15 to 20 minutes away when he got the call.
So why am I telling you all this? Partially because it is therapeutic for me to do so, to begin to stabilize my world with it's very first cornerstone, the one that was always there, the one I could always count on, forcibly removed from my life by a power I cannot combat. But moreso, to tell you about his last day when he was able to communicate, to give you just a small glimpse of the man the world lost on Weds this week.
The next day my stepmother of 46 years (a wonderful woman he was lucky to find) spoke of him often, and told us some of Mondays events at the hospital. He spoke of his love for her, and for all his family. He spoke of being ready to go, that he had lived a complete life and was prepared to go now. He told her she would not have to worry, that he had taken care of everything in advance. In short, he spent the last day of his life easing the grief and suffering of those he would leave behind, with little or no thoughts for himself.
We went to the funeral home the next day, and indeed, everything but the obituary was already handled. He had it set up so there would be no visitations, no ceremonies, no actual graveside service (by law from the Virus outbreak). So we wrote the Obit as a group and headed to the house for a day of family gathering and mutual support. She brought out some folders he had arranged and organized that would settle all the rest of his affairs, already in place, nothing for any of us to do but move on, as he wanted it, and as usual, he got his way.
So you see, we did not make it in time to see him alive again, but he had been basically comatose the last day, and would not have wanted us to remember him that way, but rather the last time we saw him instead, and with no visitation, no services, and no graveside, that is exactly how I remember him, the only way that was left open to me, as he told me he loved me and to drive home carefully. Everything that happened post death was also at his direction, to take care of his family one last time, to ease his passing for us.
And the following morning, as I headed down the drive to begin my journey home, I stopped short of the winding country road that leads back to the highway, and gave a short prayer, You see, I finally got it, and the understanding gave me peace, and stability. I smiled to myself as I thought back on the week. I actually chuckled a bit as I realized that God is a pretty good planner too. He had planned to ease my fathers passing for him as he was easing it for us.To welcome him to his new existence with a familiar and comforting face, and a memento of his family to hold onto.
The prayer I offered...it was simple, I simply asked God to get Count von Cat to my father, to keep him company, until the rest of us arrive. I believe Count left to be a friend for one very selfless man who might need one, and definitely deserved one. So Rest in peace Dad, and please take good care of Count......... p.s. He loves sitting on your shoulders, and Lord knows yours are more than wide enough for a kitty ...
