A Dom's Tale ~ The journey there and back again

          Fifteen years ago, give or take some time, (not that it is relevant now, but I sure wish I had some of it laying around I could use). a little squirt runt of a cat was born to another cat we had at the time, he was one of 5 kittens born that day,  and unlike the others, he was pure black with a small, very small white speck of fur on his chest. Unlike the others he had no time for humans. He did not try to engage us or interact in any manner, His one and only interests were with his mother, and his siblings.  

    As they grew and were weened from their mother, the other 4 would attack shoelaces, chase laser dots, playfight with each other, and generally begin to explore the house. My 11 year old son at the time named them all 1 by 1. When he got to this one, he took one look at him, and named him after his favorite tv character of his younger days - "Count von Count". So "Count von Cat" entered our lives that day. When the litter was old enough we began giving them away 1 by 1, but my son insisted that Count remain with us, so it was done.

    He continued to ignore humans completely, and time marched on. About the time he was 6 months old, still extremely tiny, I began repainting the lower part of the house. As I worked my way around and through the rooms, Count followed me and stayed with me the entire day, smelling the fresh paint at every opportunity. Did he get mentally altered from the paint fumes? No idea, but from that day forward, he was a 100% people kitty. 

     He would wait by the door in the morning to say goodbye to each of us, and be there to greet us home later in the day as well, naturally extracting a 1 pet toll from each of us both ways.. He required to be allowed to sit on my shoulder for at least 10 minutes each night, and no other cat was ever allowed this. If anybody, stranger or not, paid any attention to any other animal in the house, he required to get the "last pet"

   I won't bore you with a 15 year history of the little guy, I'll just say he was as easy going, well mannered, and affectionate as any cat could ever be. A week ago we noticed some weight loss, over the weekend it became extreme.  He still visited me each day, but seemed to lack the strength to go up the stairs.  I made him a special bed, and made special arrangements for his needs, as I feared the worst.  This morning, those fears were confirmed, The vet diagnosed him as terminal kidney failure. He said he was in pain, and while I could extend his life by perhaps a week or so, it would not be a good or easy, or painless week for him to go through.

     Yes People, I know I am a Dom. And to some of you that label means "unshakable required", but I wont dishonor him with such lies. He was more to me than a cat, he was intuitive about my moods, and never faltered in his loyalty to me. To be perfectly honest, the decision to end his suffering this morning was one the hardest things I ever had to do. I will miss my little four legged all black furry friend more than I thought I would, and I thankful to God for having had the time we had.

   It was forever ago, a month ago, a day ago, an hour ago. I know chronologically it was some time ago, yet my heart and mind do not see things the same. My mind, ruled by aspects of my Dominant nature is positive that it was some time ago, that there has been a definite absence of its presence.
My heart on the other hand remembers it completely differently. It recalls the soft feminine scent of her body, the gentle sighs and moans she released in reaction to my softly binding her body with the rope, her body shifting with each pass of the rope, and the gentle shivers and quakes she underwent as I tied her to the bed…… and it feels like it was a moment ago.

    So, those of you who read my blogs, know I like to reference songs, I have always related to music on a deep personal level. So now I have moved toward a new dynamic with a person I thought to be lost to me, a rekindling as it were .. to reignite a fire long since thought to be extinguished…. I have reentered a dynamic, and we are back at the beginning, with just enough history between us to eliminate the usual get to know you stage ……

Today feels like …

Cygnus X-1
by Rush

In the constellation of Cygnus
There lurks a mysterious, invisible force
The Black Hole of Cygnus X-1

Six stars of the northern cross
In mourning for their sister's loss
In a final flash of glory
Nevermore to grace the night

Invisible
To telescopic eye
Infinity
The star that would not die

All who dare
To cross her course
Are swallowed by
A fearsome force

Through the void
To be destroyed
Or is there something more?

Atomized, at the core
Or through the astral door
To soar…..

Rarely does a poem encapsulate the power of the BDSM Dynamic, but IMHO, this wonderful piece of literary magic from Maya Angelou does that very thing ... tell me if you agree, and why, or disagree, and why   :)

In and Out of Time

by Maya Angelou
 
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.

I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.

When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.

You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.

I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there...
Mmmm... God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.

I screamed to the heavens... loudly screamed...
Trying to change our nightmares into dreams...

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.

I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out...
in and out...
in and out...
of time.
 

     Ever set yourself a goal? Of course you have! Might have been to save “x” dollars, maybe to visit your parents more often, we set goals all the time, though sometimes we don’t call them such, So After my vanilla marriage came to ruination, I discovered this life, BDSM.

     After much reading, studying, learning, and talking, I put a toe in the water. Little did I know at the time what I was really getting myself into! A little play here and there, then I began reading, studying, and talking even more.

     So I finally began to be a student of the BDSM Dynamic, I marveled at it’s pure nature and infinite depths that two can share, and that’s all it took. I set my course for what can only be vocalized by me at this point as …Xanadu,

Excerpt from "Xanadu" by Rush

To seek the sacred river Alph
To walk the caves of ice
To break my fast on honey dew
And drink the milk of paradise

I had heard the whispered tales
Of immortality
The deepest mystery

From an ancient book, I took a clue
I scaled the frozen mountain tops
Of eastern lands unknown
Time and man alone
Searching for the lost,…. Xanadu

 And in doing so, like all Aries are prone to do, I am singularly focused upon finding this ever elusive dynamic. Little did I remember at the time what a throw away. Instant gratification, disposable culture we have become. But that cannot and will not dissuade me, I cannot allow it to, if what I seek is truly a needle in a haystack, so be it, I will endeavor to persevere…...but until I find it....

Solitary Man
By Neil Diamond

Melinda was mine 'til the time
That I found her
Holding Jim
And loving him

Then Sue came along, loved me strong
That's what I thought
Ya, me and Sue
But that died too

Don't know that I will
But until I can find me
The girl who'll stay
And won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
Solitary man

I've had it to here
Bein' where love's a small word
Part-time thing
Paper ring

I know it's been done
Havin' one girl who'll loves you
Right or wrong
Weak or strong

Don't know that I will
But until I can find me
The girl who'll stay
And won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man...
Solitary man...

Definition of futility
 
1: the quality or state of being futile : USELESSNESS His speech focused on the futility of violence.
2: a useless act or gesture

Definition of perseverance
 
: 1. continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : STEADFASTNESS

   Which word describes your search for a Dynamic? Which word will you embrace as the sun comes up on a new day in your life?

   Everybody always talks about how hard it is to be alone. Guess what? It's not hard, it's the easiest thing in the world to do, and you can justify it in your mind with an endless dialogue of self talk and reassurance, and that's all the effort that is required to maintain it.

   Finding somebody, that takes effort. But sadly, alot of us use the million and one excuses to eliminate potential partners instead of trying to find one. They're not cute enough, there's "just something", OMG! They showed interest too fast!. You name it, if you use them, they are your easy to use, ready built in parachutes back to the safe, yet totally unfulfilling,  place of being alone. I often times wonder, if we did not have certain things, how would we react to these potential partners?

   What if we did not have the benefit of sight? Are you overlooking people that could make you happy beyond your wildest expectations by looking? Are you decorating your house or trying to complete your soul? I am not saying they should not be attractive to you, I am saying that there is more to attraction than finding the guy from 50 shades, or the playmate of the month.

   What if we had never been hurt? Are you really not interested in somebody because they showed interest or moved too fast? Or was some deep nerve hit,  some old wound deep inside akin to Lancelot of the round table, and you got scared and ran off to be alone instead of communicating openly, and carefully? I mean, after all .. God forbid somebody should like us immediately, that's just unthinkable!

   What if we never had birthdays? This one is the most common I think. How many of us are searching for somebody with the qualities of an older/younger person, yet discount and discard the entire age group that has them,or maybe somebody who is YOUR age,  because they are in that age group? If you could find, right now, a happy and totally fulfilling dynamic with somebody, but God himself (or herself as you see fit) told you that you would would experience joy beyond measure, be fulfilled as you never thought possible, but he was taking that person from you in exactly 20 years? Would you spend those years searching and hoping, or embrace the gift?

I don't have all the answers to these thoughts, just the thoughts.  But I can tell you, be careful what you throw away, it might be your future.....

Ever feel like the hamster in the cage (yes .. pun intended!). That's how it feels here sometimes to me. I started to get to know a couple ladies, (yes I chat with multiple people until I find ONE, but if I find her, will politely bow out of all other chats... just like casual dating IRL). 

So it got down to chatting with 3 ladies.  ...

One decided she was not ready to get back into a Dynamic (or perhaps just didn't feel it, and got out politely)

One got mad that I was talking to others I suppose (I had high hopes for this one, but never got a sign that she wanted it to be more)

One I am still chatting with

So there sits that damn wheel, I got on it again and wrote a new personal ad.  Maybe I am doing this all wrong, maybe I am doing it right, hell who knows... but at least I am doing it!

~ID~

It's s beginning to look alot like Christmas!!  Got a ways to go, but the new toy is coming right along!!

     While driving to work this morning, across the radio came the song “Ben”, an early on hit by Michael Jackson, also the title song from the movie Ben, about a rat. But, it surfaces and entirely different memory in my mind….

     The year was 1975. The Vietnam war came to an end, Opec started robbing the world for oil, VHS Videotapes were released, and I was 12 years old, awkward, and entering a new life as an Army Brat.

My folx had been divorced almost 4 years, and my mother had married a career Army Officer who relocated us to Fort Story Virginia. A remarkably unremarkable post on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean, where I knew nobody, and nobody knew me. He was a 2 time Vietnam vet, and his mind was sadistic. The man was an excellent officer, and a pathetic step father. His idea of equality and fairness with children often included moderately savage beatings with the 4” canvas canteen belt from his closet. His idea was to beat you until you confessed to whatever crime he had accused you of, but this is not his story…

     Needless to say, I spent very little time at home. A 12 year old boy wandering about an Army post for hours on end daily, hoping that when I got home, he would be passed out. The youth center on post was not an option either, as it was widely known with the army brats that the man running it was a homosexual pedophile. It was then that I met my friend, David Cox.

     David was abandoned by his mother at an early age. He had been through many foster homes, and eventually wound up at Fort Story, David was a loner, tough as nails outside, and constantly in fear on the inside. He wanted a home more than anything else in the world, and would do anything to have one. He was socially awkward I suppose, because all people could see was the end result of his life, not the person cowering inside…but I did. I suppose I have always had an ability to see people as they are, to read past the lines, see past the projected image, but this is not my story, it’s Davids….

     So he became the foster son of an Army Sergeant who was very much like my own stepfather, with one exception. He liked to torture the children mentally before beating them black and blue, taunting them with what was to come. And somehow the child services of the day let him have David, and two teenage sisters from another family, who endured more than David did, but I will not go into them, this is Davids story…

     As it happened, David and I met and became fast bonded friends. With so much in common it was frightening. We would walk the beaches, sneak out to watch the soldiers during maneuvers, and with no real money, we would swipe fishing gear from the PX so we could fish down at the oceanside occasionally. School let out, and we were inseparable. Safe from our own nightmares, we would travel the post until darkness fell each night, and get up early in the morning and do it again. Life wasn’t perfect, but it was ok for a change with a friend.

     School started again in the fall, and we both attended the same school. David was an avid reader, he loved to learn and live vicariously in the imagination of writers. David had heard about the book “The Outsiders”, and desperately wanted a copy of the book, as we both very much identified with some of the characters. He made the mistake of trying to steal a copy at the book fair, and got caught. The judgement was “3 days suspension”. The school tried to call his parents to inform them, but there was no answer. David was given a slip to get signed (which we conspired to get forged) and bring back to school, and he felt he had escaped a certain vicous beating, all we had to do was hide him out during school hours for 3 days.

     As he walked into the house that evening, the foster person (I will not refer to him as a parent) began taunting David with questions such as “how was school”, “Did you go to the book fair”, “pick up anything good today”, “hope you were a good boy today” etc etc etc. It was obvious he had learned of the days events, and had an attack planned, but what was in Davids terrified mind we will never know. The sisters began to intervene, and a household fight erupted. Something deep inside David broke that moment, something he could not fix. He ran upstairs, placed a gun to his temple, and took his own life at the age of 12.

     The sisters were removed from the home, and an investigation was undertaken, but my mother shipped me off to live with my Dad again, and I do not know or recall what followed. All I know is every now and then, when the song “Ben” plays on the radio, I remember my friend, and pray to God I might see him again someday, when It is my time to leave this world.

     When that day comes, I will thank my friend for being my friend in a time when I so desperately needed one, for without him, that summer and into the fall, it is uncertain what may have become of me. But together we were unbeatable….
As Rose said in Titanic… “Now you know there was a boy named David Cox. and that he saved me... in every way that a person can be saved”

“Ben”
by Michael Jackson

Ben the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own I'll never be alone
And you my friend will see you've got a friend in me
(you've got a friend in me)

Ben you're always running here and there
(here and there)
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
(anywhere)
If you ever look behind and don't like what you find
There's something you should know you've got a place to go
(you've got a place to go)

I used to say "I and me"
Now it's us now it's we
(I used to say "I is me")
(now it's us now it's we)

Ben most people would turn you away
(turn you away)
I don't listen to a word they say
(a word they say)
They don't see you as I do I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again if they had a friend like Ben

Like Ben
Like Ben
Like David…..

     We all have them, those devilish imps that live in our hearts,  you know the ones, they are the ones that are there "to protect you", to "keep you safe" to stop you from ever feeling again as though somebody just ripped your soul into shreds with a rusty fork, and laughed maniacally as they sped from your life, leaving you wounded and heartbroken on the battlefield. 

     They are a necessary part of survival. They protect us when we are most vulnerable, when one more straw onto the camel's back may end in disaster. And it is then that we need them most, not to occasionally be productive, but sometimes just to exist. So we form the front lines of our battleground with our evil imps surrounding our heart, and we get behind them, into safety. Any who cross our path at this time that make us feel the least bit vulnerable will pay the price, it may not be what we want to do, but it is certainly what we will do.

     Yet on the other side, in the part of us that is all too human,  live our other imps.. they have a voice too, but much quieter and soft spoken, harder to hear from all the yelling from the front lines. They remind us that we are yet still human, that we still yearn for human comfort and human touch. That despite the scars of war, our heart yet beats beneath all the rubble, and one day we must free it if we are to continue onward.

     So we take the time to heal, to rediscover ourselves, to heal and reform our very soul. The imps, good and bad, tend to lie down their arms at this point, and we begin to relax. And then it happens... you begin considering a new relationship again. It is awkward, lets be honest. You are so used to defending and surviving, and suddenly find you are meeting people again, considering them one by one, and it feels awkward and vulnerable.

     There are only 2 outcomes here, you move forward or you move on. Either can happen, lets face it, its a crap shoot at best, this meeting and meeting and talking and talking. Now consider our little website here ... we text and text and email and email. In our search for the ultimate relationship (and yes, I believe the D/s dynamic is the most powerful and rewarding relationship on Earth) , we use the most cold and callous method of communication possible. We do not hear the voice tones, the inflections,  the sincerity or lack thereof. We do not hear the subtle joy in the others voice as they hear it is us, We cannot look into their eyes and see what may be seen through the "windows of the soul", or hear the volumes of words that a simple touch or gentle caress can speak.

     I tell you now that it is in its best summary, difficult.  And when you meet somebody you are truly interested in, you do not have the benefit of the time you would have in person. So we type and type, and somewhere in the midst of all that, if we have found a kindred spirit of sorts, we attempt to communicate that we are interested, without seeming pushy or awkward, because who knows if you will chat again, and you convince yourself the risk of seeming too forward is outweighed by the possibility of not chatting again. 

   Who knows what tomorrow will bring to you, but for today at least, you remembered your humanity and caged up the protective imps long enough to at least get the message across, and in doing so you have done that thing you probably swore never to do again......you have taken a chance. I am not saying it is instant love, or "a just add water and mix perfect dynamic", I am merely saying that through the fog, a glimmer of light has pierced your world, if you both see it, embrace it, the gamble is worth the gain if you win.

I am strong,

(so do not challenge me!)

I am SUPER caring

(you just take it the wrong way)

I always know what is best

(when in doubt, ask me if I am right!)

I demand your submission even before you message me

(hey baby, whats the hold up!)

I am into every kink there is

(and MASTER of all!)

I can read your mind

(so why do you want to talk?)

I always say the exact right thing

(you just thought it was wrong or cold or uncaring)

I never make a mistake

('nuff said?)

I am so hot, I CAUSED GLOBAL WARMING

(but I am fixing it as we speak, and too busy doing it to send a pic!)

I attract subs like I am made of catnip for subs!

(I know how lucky you are to be here..do you?)

I have but one weakness ....REALITY.

(as long as we avoid that, you will be mine forever!)