A week or so ago, on my way home from a 1 day adventure, I wrecked my truck at about 65 mph. The officer on the scene was astonished that I was "walking around" instead of being hauled off by ambulance... or hearse. It has become one of those life defining moments that force us to review and evaluate all aspects of our existence. Now it comes to my search in this lifestyle, and what realities my search must contain. There is no clear cut direction afforded to me as of yet, but I must explore it, and make some decisions. Our time here is fleeting, and can be gone in an instant, and wasting that time .. well... simply unacceptable. Blogging here has always been somehow medicinal in my past, so please forgive and understand my predicament.
In the beginning of this journey to find her, she was so clear to me. I could sense her presence in my waking hours as I searched for her to no avail. I could feel her soul beckoning to mine, I knew instinctively that her heart was out there, beating in time with mine. She was there, you ARE there, you must be there.
In my resting hours, I hoped and prayed to be able to dream of you again, to gaze into your eyes, to hold you, protect you, keep you safe, and help you grow. To be able to embrace the power we forged together, daring man, beast, or demon to risk intervening at their own peril. It was all I could have of you until my dreams could be forced into reality by finding you at last, and this gave great power to my search.
But in these times, the dreams have become more infrequent, and when they do come, while I can still sense you, it is a far far weaker signal, and I wonder if it is just my own folly that I should continue the search. The playroom lies dormant, just another closed off room now in a house I begin to wonder why I keep it.
"There is no fool like an old fool" perhaps this is the source of my misgivings. Perhaps the world does not share my belief that I truly am not old, that there is so much left to see, to feel, to explore. Or perchance could it be truth that I am simply proving to the world how foolish I really am, by standing on a field for the young, refusing to accept the realty of my existence.
