Secret confessions

Five months ago I decided it was enough

Enough of feeling helpless and vulnerable 

Enough of being the one who's always afraid 

Enough of being scared of walking by myself late at night

Enough of being the one who gets punched in the face by an ex with anger issues

Enough of being the one who gets hurt by drunk customers 

Enough on counting on someone else to protect me

Enough of being weak

Five months ago I decided it was time to learn how to fight back

And now five months have passed

Five months of pain and exhaustion

Five months of getting my ass kicked every week by a sensei who always sees my potential and demands for more

Five months of pushing myself and shattering my own limits 

Months that will definitely turn into years, because I'm not ready to give up on something that makes me this happy

So I'm leaving this as little reminder to my future self, maybe 5 years from now I'll come back to this little text and feel as proud as I feel today

I woke up this morning feeling pretty alright, my inner brat was still too groggy to cause chaos, my mood was decent for a Saturday morning, I wasn't even that bothered by the fact that I have a loooooooooooong shift ahead today.

But of course things had to change, and that's why I'm writing this blog so take a seat, buckle up because we're going for a ride.

So as you might see I'm a switch right? I made sure to pick that role myself, it's not a mistake, I picked it because it is what I am. Of course if you read my profile you'll see that I tend to fall into a submissive/brat role more often, but that doesn't mean I'm a full on submissive.

Now judging by the amount of shitty messages I get I think many doms keep ignoring that fact so I feel the need to address this topic, so let's open this can of worms shall we?

But first let me explain why am I this pissed first thing in the morning.

One of those InstaDoms decided to slide into my dms, telling me he enjoyed my profile but he would never submit to me (mind you I never asked him to) but he would ALLOW me (what a kind soul) to have a submissive myself. When I told him I wasn't interested he replied with something like "you're right but this is why I will win" and proceeded to send me a dick pic, because we all know cocks are the only thing that can turn a switch into a submissive -.-"

Anyway back to the point in question.

To me (and me only, I'm not speaking for any other switches) what does it mean to be a switch?

It means that I can fall into both roles and it tends to swing more often when I'm single.

However things work a bit different when I'm in a dynamic, if my partner is a Dom I will offer them my submission, and if they are a Sub I will take a Dominant stance, if I'm with another switch anything goes.

But for any of that to happen I need to connect and "click" with someone, we need to discuss the roles and most of all if they want my submission they need to understand I will always be a brat, a loyal brat but a brat nevertheless, so I am a handful. 

So for the love of whatever deity you believe in, stop assuming stuff about me and stop sending unsolicited dick pics

After reading my own blog and almost cringing myself to death as I slowly realised how dreadfully depressed I was back then I feel like it's time for an update now that I'm older and a tiny bit wiser, or at least I like to think I am.

I'm actually doing a bit better now, time does heal or at least makes the pain a bit more bearable, so that's good. I'm also learning how to take care of myself properly what is pretty amazing for someone with self-destructive tendencies.

Now I drink my water without complaining, I eat healthy, I do sports, I don't drink ten espressos every day and I found healthier copping mechanisms.

I still have a hard time with feelings, I still struggle with self confidence, I still have bad insomnia.

But I'm proud of myself.

So if you're reading my blog and feel like life sucks, or if you're stuck in a dark place I just want you to know that it gets better, and you'll be fine, it might take some time but you got this, I promise. 

Two days ago my grandma died, she wasn't a good grandma though, she wasn't a good mother either, but she was mine. A part of me so to speak. And according to my family I look just like her. 

Today was her funeral, I hate funerals... I hate churches and priests, I hate praying... I hate family meetings... But most of all I hate feeling this empty... 

Everyone cried today, everyone except for me, I was just... Numb and stoic like always. 

Yes she never loved me, not like I can blame her for that, I wouldn't love me either if I was her. But it still hurts.

However I know that she's fine now, she had this bright aura and looked so... Peaceful... The same peace I crave for, and at this point I can't stop wondering if I will only feel like that at my own funeral.

I'm feeling sick

I really hate funerals... 

Has been a week...

A week since he decided to broke my heart into tiny miserable pieces 

What was his excuse ?

"self preservation" he said 

Am I that much of a lost cause? 

Am I that messed up? 

Am I that bad? 

I must be since the person who asked me to marry him just dumped me for something like "self preservation" 

Couldn't feel more destroyed than this 

I had a huge panic attack last night, screamed and cried out for hours alone in my empty room, my throat got so swollen I couldn't breathe

My body collapsed completely, never thought that someone would be able to shake for so long and in such a violent way without breaking a tooth or two 

I'm so incredibly sick and numb my mother took me to the doctor this morning...

I'll have to stay home for a few days, my "condition" is worse than I thought it would be 

I hate skipping work, it feels like I'm failing miserably 

I'm terrible and a failure  as a lover

As a worker

As a daughter 

As a human being 

And he couldn't care less 

How pathetic am I? 

The good thing about self-consciousness? 

You always know that you won't be good enough 

But you keep trying 

Keep giving your best 

Keep being loyal 

Keep hoping to find someone who appreciates your efforts 

Someone to see the good in you 

It doesn't matter how broken you are

How used and destroyed 

You keep dreaming but you never trick yourself with the idea of being good enough 

Because you know that you are not 

I am Not

And that's sadly beautiful 

My first post... Who would say... Writing was always a passion of mine, the way we can play with words and create something magnificent.

However I'm pretty sure that I won't be writing anything like that for some time.

I want this first post to be about me and unfortunately there's nothing magnificent about me. But allow me to start...

Daily Masks

What a terrible name for a first post I admit that, however if you knew me you would understand how hard it is for me, how hard it is to share my weaknesses.

All my life I tried to hide my fears and deepest feelings, because it would make me weak. I've learned to dominate the environment around me, to create an aura of self confidence just to avoid talking about the Real Me. 

I think that's the reason why I always craved for that warm feeling of submission, my own submission...

I never gave myself like that, I never let anyone touch that part of me, I tried once though...it ended up being a mistake, he was no Dom, he was an abuser and it was traumatic and degrading to say the least.

Not that I would be a good sub anyways, I definitely am a switcher who needs to hold the reins from time to time, but that's the irony, after that "incident" I've been the one holding the reins and now I wish for more....

But I'm trying to change that again! Slowly... Annoyingly slowly... That's just one of the hard things about long distance relationships/dynamics...

Just wish me luck I guess ...