on Father's day husband wanted to go fishing. I brought my oldest with me to get his daddy a fishing license for the day. it was $25 which was a lot of money but that is what he wanted. I had pictured all of us at the river enjoying the day together. I had asked if my oldest needed a license also and they had said no because of his age. only those strong enough to bring in a fish needed a license. I was happy about that. so my fantasy continued of how the day would go. husband would get off work and I would have everything ready for him. the tackle box stocked, bait ready to go and a fishing pole that we could rent for an extra $10. well husband came home and I had everything ready as planned. I had bought the wrong bait so he snapped at that. I didn't have drinks or snacks packed so he snapped at that. this day was not going well at all. again I had failed to fulfill is silent requests. how silly of me to not know what he wanted without him saying a word. we got the right bait and I had grabbed a chair for myself as I was about to have our second child in a few months. husband drove us through several turns trying to find a good fishing hole. the ground was very bumpy and making me very uncomfortable as my belly was quite large. I braced myself he snapped at that. I kept quiet though as I knew that would bring on more grief for him and me. he finally found a spot to park and fish. he set himself up and my oldest tried to sit on my lap. I went and grabbed a blanket from the car and laid it down for him to sit on. husband didn't like that I did that but didn't say anything. our oldest walked up and started throwing rocks in the water. husband scolded him saying he'd scare all the fish away. what was supposed to be a wonderful family day was not turning out so well after all. I suggested to husband to involve our oldest. husband huffed at that and started to show our oldest how to hold the pole. however the pole was too heavy to be held without help so husband gave up. he told our oldest to just stand back and watch. our oldest started to cry and came to me for comfort. husband took off through the high reeds and left us there alone. he finally came back about 30 minutes later. yelling at me that his bait was now in the sun. I apologized and tried to find a shady spot for it. husband huffed and looked at his watch yelling at us to get in the car. our oldest needed a nap. so we got everything in the car and we remained silent on the drive home. when we got home I started unpacking the car. husband yelled saying to leave everything in there cause he would be heading back out to fish. he told me to lay our oldest down and we would go eat after he got back. he was gone until 5. leaving us alone for 5 hours on a day that was meant to celebrate him. when he got home with no fish he told me to make dinner that he was not in the mood to go out to eat. so I started on dinner while trying to preoccupy our oldest. an hour later we ate dinner in silence together. I didn't know what to say to husband. these days I learned to keep my mouth shut unless I wanted either an argument or the silent treatment. I used to be a happy joyful person. which I was while he was at work and it was just me and our oldest. but when husband came home it was silence or yelling. if he asked a question I would take my time to answer hoping he would forget he asked one. sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't. either way when I said anything it was wrong.
Entry 2:
as a present to husband my mother gave him money for interview clothes. he was so excited!! I wanted to help him pick them out and see how good he would look!! our 10th wedding anniversary was also coming up! I was excited for this one. We never really lived with each other as he was military. I looking forward to serving him food in bed and having fun like we have never had before!! I wanted to please him and him to please me!! I got a sitter and had everything planned. I told him my plans and told me that they were boring and he wanted out of the house. the weather was going to be really bad which is why I wanted to stay in. storm back to back the whole day. driving in heavy rains did not sound fun for me at all. I was also breast feeding our youngest and wanted to be in a place wear I could easily feed him lay him back down and get back to being with husband. it was on this day that husband decided to pick out his interview clothes. he chose the biggest mall who did not allow public feeding due to it having a feeding room. even though I had a cover it wasn't allowed. each time I tried I was told I couldn't. at the mall for hours and having to walk with a screaming baby back to the feeding room. I was exhausted. I had to keep leaving husband to feed the baby and each time had to track him down afterwards. I wanted so badly to just stay in the feeding room and relax while he did his thing. but would get texts asking where I was. he would get frustrated at me "disappearing" on him. I told him my issue but he would dismiss me. he would ask other women how he looked and took their advice about what looked good. after all I had no fashion sense so what would I know. after being at the mall for 4 hours he took me out to eat. I had to feed the baby and of course there isn't much room in the booths. I accidentally exposed myself and was so embarrassed. husband laughed at the whole ordeal. I wasn't able to eat cause I had to change diapers and the baby was so hungry from not being decently fed the whole day and unable to sleep well. so I took my food home. husband finished but refused to hold his child so I could eat. just enjoyed watching me struggle. I was so tired, wet and hungry. but my night wasn't over. I went to pick up my oldest from the sitter and had to feed him and get him his bath and put him to bed. I was too tired for any fun, but now husband wanted it. I cried while he took himself into me. I laid there not doing anything 5 minutes later he was done. I cleaned myself up and went to bed. happy anniversary!!!
