Thank you all for being amazing! I have decided this is not the lifestyle that I want. It has been a very hard debate for me. I am not denying myself, I am making a choice of which lifestyle that is right for me. I am so thankful for the friends that I have made, the lessons that I have learned and it has been so rewarding. Thank you all. Blessings on all.
I have heard some Doms say that only your Dom should be the one to train you. Others say if you want a good Dom you should have a trainer so that you can be ready for when a good Dom comes your way? I would love to hear your thoughts!
I met a Dom, he was an amazing Dom!! He knew how to calm me down and picked appropriate punishments as we had just met and he had just started his training. You see I am flighty. If something scares me or I feel I have disappointed I run and hide. A reaction I have had since I was a child and never outgrew. For this reason I need a daddy who can calm me down and let me know I did wrong and why. I can then accept the punishment easier. But it didn't work out between us. He was the Dom I was looking for but not the man I was looking for. I want both a Dom and a Man. He wanted a sugar mama. One who would buy him a house and land. He wanted me to buy him cars. He wanted to be able to lay on the couch and watch shows all day while I worked, took care of my kids and did his to do list. I am not a slave I am a sub. I was a slave already and refuse to go back to that. My money is my money. I have a very strict diet that I have to maintain in order to be healthy. I can't eat any animal products or my moods change too drastically. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted. But in order to focus, listen and obey I must eat the vegan way. This particular Dom wanted me to buy his food and fix it for him while I ate the food I need to which would have been fine had he given me money to buy his food. When I told him he had to buy his own food and keep it separate so not to contaminate mine he was shocked that he had to buy his own food. I am sorry but I am not rich by any means. I can afford me and my kids. If you are my Dom and we live with you or you with us, you must be able to care for yourself. For if you cannot take care of yourself how do you expect to take care of us. I learned recently that in order to show I can care for a Dom I must first take care of myself. The same goes for a Dom. Doms lead by example as well as words. If you want a clean house you must first be able to have a clean organized house! Otherwise when you task me at cleaning and you don't even know where to put things how would I know where things go! So where this Dom was great at being a Dom he was not the man I was looking for.
I am sharing this in hopes a new sub or one who is looking knows that there is a difference between the Dom side and the personal side of a man and make sure they both match up to what you are looking for.
Trying to find a Dom worth while is a lot harder than I thought. Much of who I have met reminds me of the same issues in the vanilla world. They get what they want, well in my case they don't get what they want and move on or they lose interest because they asked for a picture and didn't like what they saw. Shallowness really sucks. The mind is powerful yet no one wants the body it comes with. Who will give me their time so that I can prove I am worthwhile!! Who will give me their promise that my body won't chase them away!! That if they make me eat a certain way, there is a diamond just needing to be chiseled and formed. I am not self disciplined when it comes to my own needs. I wasn't brought up taking care of myself. My mind was always forced to think of other's needs before my own. So teach me to take care of myself. Nurture the side of me that was neglected. I need a Daddy Dom!! I am great with everything else in my life. I organize, clean, cook, take care of finances,
But as far as my personal self. I don't dress up because I have no style. I don't wear make up because my ex was against it. I was allowed to on Halloween so my stage make up skills are phenomenal! Make me eat vegan and I can be a size 6 by next year! Make me work out and I can be that sooner!! I am in school right now so all my time is going to that. Once I graduate if I am working my ass off to get in better shape so that I can keep up with all the playing that my Dom needs. I just need someone to take the time to train me and mold me. But not so much to where I lose who I am. I want to be enhanced and upgraded. Not torn down and be completely rebuilt. I do have two kids and they come with me!
Trying to find a Dom worth while is a lot harder than I thought. Much of who I have met reminds me of the same issues in the vanilla world. They get what they want, well in my case they don't get what they want and move on or they lose interest because they asked for a picture and didn't like what they saw. Shallowness really sucks. The mind is powerful yet no one wants the body it comes with. Who will give me their time so that I can prove I am worthwhile!! Who will give me their promise that my body won't chase them away!! That if they make me eat a certain way, there is a diamond just needing to be chiseled and formed. I am not self disciplined when it comes to my own needs. I wasn't brought up taking care of myself. My mind was always forced to think of other's needs before my own. So teach me to take care of myself. Nurture the side of me that was neglected. I need a Daddy Dom!! I am great with everything else in my life. I organize, clean, cook, take care of finances,
But as far as my personal self. I don't dress up because I have no style. I don't wear make up because my ex was against it. I was allowed to on Halloween so my stage make up skills are phenomenal! Make me eat vegan and I can be a size 6 by next year! Make me work out and I can be that sooner!! I am in school right now so all my time is going to that. Once I graduate if I am working my ass off to get in better shape so that I can keep up with all the playing that my Dom needs. I just need someone to take the time to train me and mold me. But not so much to where I lose who I am. I want to be enhanced and upgraded. Not torn down and be completely rebuilt. I do have two kids and they come with me!
So a member asked me if I had heard about TIH (Take in Hand). It is male led relationship 1950's style relationship. I had not so I looked it up. Aha!! This is the kind of marriage I had without the communication part of it. He wanted full control no questions asked but never told me that. The roles were not clearly defined. My ex is an introverted thinker. I am an extroverted thinker. So as I am thinking I say everything that I am thinking. So he was constantly asking me to be quiet so that he could think. I was constantly asking him to say anything!!!
Next aha moment!! I need an extroverted thinker!! One who likes to talk out their issues so that we are both on the same page. So where I like the male dominant type relationship and the 1950's style I also need kink, communication along with mutual respect, honesty, adorations.
I am a die-hard Christian woman first and foremost. But I also love kink. My question is, is it fair of me to be looking for a Dom who wants full control if I want the Lord to lead me first? Any other Christian kinksters out there with this same dilemma? I know I need a leader in my life. One who will keep order, as I know I am inadequate for that. Or should I be looking for a vanilla Christian who just happens to like kink also? I just don't want to be unfair to anyone. If someone claims me and I find myself with this same battle it was not fair of me to give him control and then take it away. No matter how much I trust him, if I find myself uncomfortable with what I am doing I will ask for that control back. I am one who shies away when nervous or unsure of myself. That is the little girl in me. She will never go away as she is part of who I am. But she can gain confidence and have reassurance with the right man. I am just still figuring out what kind of man that is. I know that I refuse to live without kink again though. I didn't feel whole without it. I felt like my sex life was missing something. And it was, the bondage and the play. But at the same time, can I have a Dom and God. Is there any Dom that would put Christ before himself and then is his needs. A Dom not asking a sub to worship any part of him and help guide her and himself closer to God first and then the kink comes second. I am not sure if that exists or not. A few Doms have said they are Christians but don't go to church or have the same beliefs as I do. Am I looking for the impossible? Or am I looking in the wrong place? I know what I need, just trying to find it and in the mean time keep learning.
When growing up I found myself always serving. It didn't matter if it was at family events or at home. Men were put to lesser standards than the women. My brother would tell me that if I did his chores I would get the money for it. So I would do his chores and he would still get the money. I told him that he needed to pay me the money but said he had forgotten and spent it. I knew my brother though. I knew that he honestly had forgotten. But my emotions told me otherwise. I would always be less than him. I took care of him. He was my little brother. Whatever he needed I did it. You see serving people is part of my personality. That does not mean that I think low of myself. I actually have a high self esteem. But that only came recently when I accepted who I was. People took advantage of me because they know I like to serve. When growing up that made me feel less of myself. But you see without people who love to serve life would be full of only dominant people who like to take charge. Two very alpha dominant people can only be with each other for so long. That is why it is important to have subs. Subs live to serve it is who you are at your very soul. You are admired for that. You are cared for, valued, honored, the standards you have for yourself should be high. Very high standards. Standards ensure you will be used by those who truly respect you, care for you, honor you. When you think highly of yourself you are put on a higher pedal stool because the Dom had to work that much harder to earn your trust. And if your Dom worked hard they will value you more. They know you chose them as much as they chose you. You will know you have more in common. The relationship will go deeper, be more intimate, be exactly who you need to be with. Take your time to find the perfect Dom. The patience will pay off. I recently got this advice from another member and I wanted to pass it off to all of you. It was an honor to receive this advice and feel everyone should have it. Including the Doms out there. Don't just pick any sub, subs and Doms are a dime a dozen. But that special one is priceless!! So be patient and have higher standards for yourself and the one you are looking for.
on Father's day husband wanted to go fishing. I brought my oldest with me to get his daddy a fishing license for the day. it was $25 which was a lot of money but that is what he wanted. I had pictured all of us at the river enjoying the day together. I had asked if my oldest needed a license also and they had said no because of his age. only those strong enough to bring in a fish needed a license. I was happy about that. so my fantasy continued of how the day would go. husband would get off work and I would have everything ready for him. the tackle box stocked, bait ready to go and a fishing pole that we could rent for an extra $10. well husband came home and I had everything ready as planned. I had bought the wrong bait so he snapped at that. I didn't have drinks or snacks packed so he snapped at that. this day was not going well at all. again I had failed to fulfill is silent requests. how silly of me to not know what he wanted without him saying a word. we got the right bait and I had grabbed a chair for myself as I was about to have our second child in a few months. husband drove us through several turns trying to find a good fishing hole. the ground was very bumpy and making me very uncomfortable as my belly was quite large. I braced myself he snapped at that. I kept quiet though as I knew that would bring on more grief for him and me. he finally found a spot to park and fish. he set himself up and my oldest tried to sit on my lap. I went and grabbed a blanket from the car and laid it down for him to sit on. husband didn't like that I did that but didn't say anything. our oldest walked up and started throwing rocks in the water. husband scolded him saying he'd scare all the fish away. what was supposed to be a wonderful family day was not turning out so well after all. I suggested to husband to involve our oldest. husband huffed at that and started to show our oldest how to hold the pole. however the pole was too heavy to be held without help so husband gave up. he told our oldest to just stand back and watch. our oldest started to cry and came to me for comfort. husband took off through the high reeds and left us there alone. he finally came back about 30 minutes later. yelling at me that his bait was now in the sun. I apologized and tried to find a shady spot for it. husband huffed and looked at his watch yelling at us to get in the car. our oldest needed a nap. so we got everything in the car and we remained silent on the drive home. when we got home I started unpacking the car. husband yelled saying to leave everything in there cause he would be heading back out to fish. he told me to lay our oldest down and we would go eat after he got back. he was gone until 5. leaving us alone for 5 hours on a day that was meant to celebrate him. when he got home with no fish he told me to make dinner that he was not in the mood to go out to eat. so I started on dinner while trying to preoccupy our oldest. an hour later we ate dinner in silence together. I didn't know what to say to husband. these days I learned to keep my mouth shut unless I wanted either an argument or the silent treatment. I used to be a happy joyful person. which I was while he was at work and it was just me and our oldest. but when husband came home it was silence or yelling. if he asked a question I would take my time to answer hoping he would forget he asked one. sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't. either way when I said anything it was wrong.
Entry 2:
as a present to husband my mother gave him money for interview clothes. he was so excited!! I wanted to help him pick them out and see how good he would look!! our 10th wedding anniversary was also coming up! I was excited for this one. We never really lived with each other as he was military. I looking forward to serving him food in bed and having fun like we have never had before!! I wanted to please him and him to please me!! I got a sitter and had everything planned. I told him my plans and told me that they were boring and he wanted out of the house. the weather was going to be really bad which is why I wanted to stay in. storm back to back the whole day. driving in heavy rains did not sound fun for me at all. I was also breast feeding our youngest and wanted to be in a place wear I could easily feed him lay him back down and get back to being with husband. it was on this day that husband decided to pick out his interview clothes. he chose the biggest mall who did not allow public feeding due to it having a feeding room. even though I had a cover it wasn't allowed. each time I tried I was told I couldn't. at the mall for hours and having to walk with a screaming baby back to the feeding room. I was exhausted. I had to keep leaving husband to feed the baby and each time had to track him down afterwards. I wanted so badly to just stay in the feeding room and relax while he did his thing. but would get texts asking where I was. he would get frustrated at me "disappearing" on him. I told him my issue but he would dismiss me. he would ask other women how he looked and took their advice about what looked good. after all I had no fashion sense so what would I know. after being at the mall for 4 hours he took me out to eat. I had to feed the baby and of course there isn't much room in the booths. I accidentally exposed myself and was so embarrassed. husband laughed at the whole ordeal. I wasn't able to eat cause I had to change diapers and the baby was so hungry from not being decently fed the whole day and unable to sleep well. so I took my food home. husband finished but refused to hold his child so I could eat. just enjoyed watching me struggle. I was so tired, wet and hungry. but my night wasn't over. I went to pick up my oldest from the sitter and had to feed him and get him his bath and put him to bed. I was too tired for any fun, but now husband wanted it. I cried while he took himself into me. I laid there not doing anything 5 minutes later he was done. I cleaned myself up and went to bed. happy anniversary!!!
My darkest, deepest desires are known only to me. I live in a world where my true self must be hidden, it must not come out. Forbidden fruit is what it is. To taste it would open up a world I am not sure I am prepared for. Once I taste this fruit will I be able to turn back time. Will I try to run if it is not what I want? Will the one who claims me come and find me to ensure I am okay? Will the one who claims me be who I thought they were or would they change into someone I do not recognize? Will I be able to trust anyone enough to help me fulfill my darkest desires? Trust and honesty is the foundation I want to find. Openness is another foundational key! So many things need to be talked about. Will I find someone intelligent enough to have the needed communication to fulfill these dreams? Fragmented sentences are not gonna fly. Dialogue is what I crave most!! Not just commands to follow but glorious deep conversations. Oh to have adult conversations is my first dream!! Talking to people who are grown and only getting fragments is so frustrating!! Who taught you? No offense but adults should be able to use full sentences. Pause for effects, talk slow and sure, think before speaking. No one is perfect and we all have our flaws. There are days where my words just do not work and some of the things I say are hilarious and become inside jokes. But I digress.
My deepest desires are to only be shared with the one I call "Sir"! The one I trust to not abuse it. Knowledge is power and power can be amazing but needs to be treated with respect.
Honor, trust, honest and openness are all I ask for and I will be yours. But age is a factor for me. Please don't be older than 45 or younger that 35.
I will talk to anyone but please don't get offended if I don't send you pictures of any kind. That I don't tell you personal information. That will come in time as trust is built.