My Musings

Tonight was absolutely perfect. It was 36 days since we were together. He spent 4 hours with me.

I was already feeling my submissive place before he got to my place. He walked in and he always tells me a little about his day while he undresses.

He came to me and kissed me. He always needs to taste me, well most times he does...so he gave me oral and when I sat up he put my collar on me...and the play began.

I'm exhausted, we played hard and long. So I'm not up to typing out a long description of our play but will tomorrow sometime.

The one thing I want to say is that our play was different this time. Something has changed in him. His touch, the way he paid attention to me seemed to have more emotion behind it. More feeling. Maybe it was because of the length of time we were apart, but still it was different, more intimate.

I am off to bed now. Will be back tomorrow to read and respond. I'm in heaven, will sleep hard with a sore pussy and a smile on my face.

I just stopped in to post a quick message and update. Plus I want to apologize to those who are avid readers and to my friends as well.

Dealing with life, holidays coming, Master was gone for over a month and is finally coming home. Got stuck because of weather and permits.

I promise I will sign back on tonight after Master goes home. I'll post and answer messages.

I am well. I did deal with some frustrations and anger but I expressed it all to him. He hasn't been in our lifestyle for long so he's still trying to understand what a sub/slave feels and goes through but he is doing very well. So my expressing to him in "my" way is not what he is used to. But, we got through it.

He will be here in a few hours. I've missed him so much. I just hope the emotional side of me behaves and the tears don't interfere in our time together. But, he knows that tears are a part of my emotional expression.

I said quick...hahaha. Can never be quick with me...hmmm, pun intended. Later my friends.

My OCD is messing with me big time today! I have been good since I was doing the purging of my closets last week. I was able to throw things away without a second thought.

I've been trying to fill my days with keeping busy because my King is away. I didn't have any problems with my OCD since he left.

My little human has been sick. Came home early yesterday with a stomach issue. The Principal said the stomach flu started last week and sent 10 kids home since.

So I set her up in her room because she wanted to lay down and rest. Now we all know what a stomach flu is like. She kept getting up to use the bathroom. Every time she came out I sprayed the areas she could reach with a bleach cleaner. That was the start of my OCD flaring up big time.

This morning when I woke, as I normally do before anything else, I fixed my bed. It doesn't usually bother me to have one side of the blanket overlapping more than the other, or that my pillows aren't laying properly...well this morning I fought with the blanket and pillows until they were perfect for me.

We got ready to go to the doctor because my little human was becoming dehydrated and I was concerned, AND my King told me to as well...I must obey my King. She was prescribed pedialyte and gravol. My King told me to put her in the tub when we got home to help with the dehydration. Which I did.

Then I started my chores.

Loading the dishwasher is normally an easy quick task. But, as I was placing the utensils in the basket I kept repositioning them so they weren't touching or they won't get as clean as I need them to be.

I started the laundry, came back upstairs and decided to look through my clothes to see if there was anything I could donate. I picked out 8 pieces, folded them, and put 2 of the pieces in a bag. Looked at the 3rd piece and put it back in the keep pile. The 4th went into the bag. The 5th and 6th went into the keep pile. The 7th reluctantly went into the bag and the 8th went quickly into the keep pile. These are parts of my office wardrobe but are now too big. My thought was...what if I gain weight again and don't have anything to wear. So I'm wondering if the bag of donations will be donated after all.

Went down stairs and switched out the laundry.

I went to use the bathroom and noticed my little human had put toothpaste prints on the mirror which was kind of hard to see, but I could. Got the windex and started wiping, and wiping, spraying again, and wiping, wiping and wiped until there wasn't a streak to be seen.

I sat at the table to start my usual list of things that I need to buy from the grocery store. I don't have an eidetic memory but there are times that I think I do. I began the list...finished...put it aside and was going to get up but something made me look at it again. It looked a mess. So I grabbed another paper and I alphabetized the freakin' grocery list. Looked at it and felt satisfied.

I always try to have a good healthy meal for my little human. Defrosted a small chuck roast for an oven stew. Cut the meat in cubes but...I cut slow and had to cut them in the perfect sizes. Same with the potatoes, carrots, and onions. I set the veggies on the side. Braised the beef. Put them all together in my roaster. Measured out the perfect amounts of spices, and perfect amount of beef broth...I rolled my eyes at my own silliness.

I could feel the stress starting to build in my shoulders. That always happens when my OCD is in high gear.

I heard the dryer buzz just as I was going to sit with the little human and chill for a bit.

I knew if I let it buzz again I would get stressed so I got the clothes and sat on my bed to start folding and hanging clothes.

I had to have the shirts hung with the front of each shirt facing the same way. Hanging them exactly the same distance from each other.

Sat and watched a show with my little human until the other load bussed that it was dry.

Laying my leggings and jeans out perfectly so there isn't any possibility of them being wrinkled, folding them perfectly. Then as I piled them to put them in my drawer they weren't piling like I wanted them to. They weren't piling level. So I had to re-fold a couple pair just so they would pile level.

There are times that I like having OCD because there are things that need to be done perfectly. But then there are days like this when everything that I did didn't need to be done perfectly.

My mind is going to be exhausted by the end of the night.

I haven't been psychologically diagnosed, or general physician diagnosed, but many people in my life and myself have diagnosed me with several symptoms that can become an issue at times. I'm not at the point where it disrupts my life in extreme ways but it can become stressful.

When some people hear OCD they think, perfection, extreme cleanliness, repetition, fears of diseases, arranging, hoarding...etc.

I am a perfectionist at times but not always, I'm a very clean person but not to the point of constantly cleaning or that every inch of my home is free of dust, I do double check certain things and maybe even check more than twice, I have issues with germs or diseases but not to where I won't go out in public...but I rarely use public washrooms, I do arrange things in a certain way but I have a little human so I've learned not to get upset when she makes a mess of my arrangements, and my children will say I am a little bit of a hoarder but if I do hoard it is in an arranged and unnoticeable way...in other words what I hoard is hidden in boxes and closets.

I wish at times that the Dom or Master who has been or is in my life could order, demand, or command me to stop the flare ups of this disorder. But, I would go bonkers I think if one did try.

This song has a deep significant meaning for me. I believe it came out in 92’ or 93’. I had the privilege of seeing them in Kansas City, Missouri in 2008. When they played this song, I wept like a baby. Amazing performers.

My Dom back then was not into heavy metal. In fact, none of my Dom’s have been into heavy metal but they had no issues with my enjoying the music in my own free time or with headphones on...lol

When I lived in Missouri, I was gifted with 2 tickets by a close friend of mine who had planned on going but due to a family issue and having to be away at the time she had decided to give them to me knowing that I love Metallica.

My Dom wouldn’t allow me to go to a concert like this without a protector. A Dom friend of ours enjoyed heavy metal as well and had been to many concerts over the years, so my Dom insisted I take him with me. He was a retired 55-year-old, Gunnery Sergeant of the Marine Corp, 6’6” huge bugger. A massive man who dwarfed most men. I wore my black leather cuffs with a 4’, 100 lb. resistance lanyard attached to his leather biker bracelet. I thought my Dom and my protector were being dramatic but if any of you have ever been to a heavy metal concert, you’ll understand about the possibilities of being pushed into a mosh pit if close enough. We weren’t close but no one would have even tried to push my protector into a pit. He stood at least a head taller than most of the men that were there, and probably out weighted them by at least 100 lbs. So, I was protected very well.  When this song came on, the beginning instrumental did it, I got very emotional. My knees went weak and I staggered a little. My protector grabbed for me and he thought I was feeling faint from the heat and said that we were leaving but I explained to him it was just the song that had affected me and that I would be fine. He pulled me up against his side with his arm wrapped around me tightly, his humongous hand almost crushing my ribs.

I’d like to first explain why this song affected me in this way at the concert. I was with a Dom for 6 years who was a Major in the Armed Forces. He was retired from active duty but was contracted as a civilian in risk management, or something to that effect. He used to have to do a lot of traveling. Normally he’d be gone for 2 or 3 days at a time, but there were times when he would be gone for a week. We had been living together for about 2 months when he had to leave for the first time but only for 3 days. On our way to the closest international airport, which was a little over an hour's drive, he was drilling me on rules...procedures in the case of an emergency...and I could feel a little fear setting in even though I already knew all of what he was telling me. I was afraid of disappointing him is what it was. As we walked into the airport, I could feel tears threatening to expose themselves. He could see the distress in my face, and his words to me were; “I trust you baby girl, I will always be close here (putting his hand on my heart) and here (putting his hand on my head near my temple), no matter how far away I am”. This made the tears fall and he kissed each of my eyes and said, “Make me proud!”. He turned and walked away towards the secure area. I didn’t want to see him leave my sight so I turned and went to the lady's room. Fixed my makeup. Walked to the car with this little bit of fear still plaguing me. I sat and did my breathing exercises that I was taught when I would get anxious. Turned on the car, switched the station on the radio and this song was playing. It was almost like an epiphany, one of those moments that will stick with you for the rest of your life, the words he had said to me in the airport were so close to the words of this song that they would keep me going until he returns...but I never realized just how those words would affect my life in many ways throughout my life, including this very day. Another aspect of this song is the word “they” which I view as “vanilla” people. My Dom was 22 years my senior and the first time someone commented on our age difference he told me, “Keep an open mind and be understanding of what they think but remember, it doesn’t matter. Nothing else matters but our need and love for one another.” Although my Dom was a very militant Dominant man, he showed a soft side of himself with me. He had a bit of a romantic side but not in the sense some would imagine, but to me it was romantic.

So back to the monster of a protector almost crushing my rib cage...lol...I could feel the emotions starting to emerge. I think it was the body contact and the comfort he made me feel that caused the emotions to run freely. I started feeling the pain, the hurt, the loneliness I felt for my Major. It was already 3 years that he had released me into the care of my then Dom but I had loved my Major so deeply that no matter how long it had been I still missed him deeply. The agony that I had felt, the last few months that I was with my Major seeing the strong Dominant mind change, was awful. Ad the song played on I cried harder, my protector held me closer and eventually was wrapped in both his arms and my sobs were so intense that he thought I was going into a mental break down...lol...but I assured him, through the hick ups that I would be fine. About a year before I parted from my Major, he started having issues with repeating himself or forgetting. One of the superiors had noticed and suggested he see a Psychiatrist. This led to many doctor appointment and tests. A month prior to his 59th birthday he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I was willing to stay with him and take care of him but he said he didn’t want me to see him in the condition that they told him he would eventually be in. He wanted me to remember him as the Dominant I grew to love. The only parts that I had seen of the disease were the memory issues. There were the occasions where I’d get an email from him asking how I was but it wasn’t often. Last I heard he was still recognizing family members and would occasionally ask where I was, forgetting that he had released me over 10 years before that. But I haven’t heard anything in the past 3 years. He would be 74 now. Might be a little morbid but I do check the obituaries where he lives now, with family. But he was a very big part of my submissive growth and I loved him deeply.

This afternoon I decided to put on some music while I went and ran a few errands. I was going through my various play lists and decided on the softer side of heavy metal because I was feeling a bit dreary so needed something to fit my mood. I need to work through my feelings without just pushing them down, otherwise they will just resurface and I’d rather deal with them than have them trouble me later. This might not be the proper word for what I do but it’s almost like I savor those feelings for those moments that I have them. I think I do this so that they won’t stick and linger. So, if I savor those moments and chew on them for a time, the taste of them will become less flavorful and I swallow them which in turn ends up being expelled. (Sorry I love metaphors or idioms.) I did so today, and I then moved on to the tastier side of life, so to speak. I found this song to be an epiphany once again. My King is with me in heart and mind. He trusts me to be at my best behavior and to make him proud to own me. The significance between my Major and my King is similar, but yet different. My Major was much older, my King is much younger. People looked differently at me and my Major because he was 22 years my senior. People will look differently at me and my King, but not just because he is 11 years my junior but because of his marital status. Hence the meanings I’ve taken from this song, which are just as significant with my King as they were when I was with my Major.

I trust you, I will always be close no matter how far away I am. They equal vanilla people. Keep an open mind and be understanding of what they think but remember, it doesn’t matter. Nothing else matters but our need and love for one another.

Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

So close no matter how far 
Couldn't be much more from the heart 
Forever trusting who we are 
And nothing else matters 
 
Never opened myself this way 
Life is ours, we live it our way 
All these words I don't just say 
And nothing else matters 
 
Trust I seek and I find in you 
Every day for us something new 
Open mind for a different view 
And nothing else matters 
 
Never cared for what they do 
Never cared for what they know 
But I know 
 
So close no matter how far 
Couldn't be much more from the heart 
Forever trusting who we are 
And nothing else matters 
 
Never cared for what they do 
Never cared for what they know 
But I know 
 
I never opened myself this way 
Life is ours, we live it our way 
All these words I don't just say 
And nothing else matters 
 
Trust I seek and I find in you 
Every day for us something new 
Open mind for a different view 
And nothing else matters 
 
Never cared for what they say 
Never cared for games they play 
Never cared for what they do 
Never cared for what they know 
And I know 
 
So close no matter how far 
Couldn't be much more from the heart 
Forever trusting who we are 
No nothing else matters 

Something that I feel compelled to share. While with my Domina she worked with some Military men and women. During that time she became friends with my Major and had been friends for many years, therefore I knew him very well before she handed me over to his care and I gave him my submission. Being that my Major had been in the military for many years he had made friends all over the world. My Missouri Dom would come to Canada to hunt in the fall and I got to know him a little before my Major decided to release me into his care. My Missouri Dom had been in the Army but didn't make it a career. He still had a lot of Military friends that we socialized with. He was also in the police force for many years which kept him in that military mindset. My protector the Gunnery Sergeant, was a good friend of his, and was into BDSM as well. There were times that my Dom couldn't come to lifestyle gatherings with me, or to a special dungeon night but I wanted to go, he would send my protector with me. I became good friends with him but it was purely platonic. He was my protector and made sure no one tried to Dominate me or harm me. There was always a military presence in my BDSM life, in some way or another. I was used to very strong mentalities, assertive to almost being aggressive. It's been close to 10 years that I haven't had that type of relationship and I don't require it any more. In fact I enjoy the sensual and slow progression of how my King moves my mind and body. My needs have changed, my desires have turned more toward the sensual, and it is my King who has shown me that the military Dominant is no longer what I want in my life. Perhaps it is my age as well. I have become more sensual and sexual. Not only that but over those 10 years I've become more independent and strong...moving me away from those strong almost aggressive Dominants. But yet I still have the need to be owned, to serve, but not to the point of not having a choice in certain areas of my life. Perhaps I'm not a slave in the true meaning of a slave, but I still have the desire to be controlled and I would submit to anything my King desired, within my limits.

I'm already feeling lonesome even though he hasn't left the country yet. 

I'll worry because our communication will be lessened again. His job will need more of his attention this time. The type of very large transport he is part of can be dangerous with all the vehicles involved. But he is a professional so I give him credit for that, but will still worry.

I wish he would find a safer, closer job. He's trying, he has so much experience, knowledge, and drive...but the job market in his line of work is so congested right now.

I miss my King already!

So I will either be here ranting, raving, or just rambling a great deal, OR I will disappear for a few days at a time where I will either concentrate on cleaning, purging more, and rearranging....or focus on family and vanilla friends.

But I need to get used to his being gone for long periods because I don't see any change happening for some time.

Know this though. I am a strong woman.

I've weathered worse.

I love him with all my being and I shall not waiver from his side.

I've  never wanted or needed a Dominant/Master/Man as much as I want or need him.

I'm blessed with such a loving sensual Master, a gorgeous Man, attentive lover, and amazing friend. 

I'm high on him all the time...no matter how far he is from me.

Master is headed towards Indianapolis. Approximately 2,145.8 kilometers/1333.34 miles away from me. He is part of a transport so it will take them twice the time, not adding in the winter weather. If driving a normal vehicle it would take 20 driving hours. Then take into account the wait times for permits, inspections...etc.

Neither of us have been there before. I asked him to bring me back a baseball cap. I love caps!

So I'm guessing he'll be gone for anywhere between 10 - 14 days. If weather or mechanical issues intervene, then even longer.

My house is going to be disinfected from top to bottom by the time he gets home...lol

My King didn't have the time to stop in after all. I'm ok with that though. It would have been wonderful but I know he needs his vanilla time.

I did my own thing. Checked other sites I'm a member of. Enjoyed having my space and quiet time. Watched TV, did some maintenance on my laptop, read a little but my mind was all over.

Being a single woman living alone comes with certain worries and issues. So those were on my mind. I made a choice after my contract was up that I was going to take some time off of work to focus on family and slow down from all the traveling I was doing. I have a business degree and have worked in finance and marketing over a 20 year period so I should know how to budget right? Well it is always different when doing it for one's self.

There are always unpredictable costs and circumstances that we don't expect or budget for.

So this evening I revised my budget and it stressed me out a little. But I figured it out finally.

I can still take that year off that I wanted to. I just have to be a little careful with my christmas shopping this year.

When you're used to having money, being comfortable and not worrying, it's hard to deal with not having that any more.

I won't struggle but I can't enjoy the little things I used to enjoy. Going out to dinner and a movie. Making huge meals at my expense for family or friends. Taking a weekend trip just to get away. Now all these things will be forgotten until I decide it's time to go back to work.

I need this time off. Not just for family, but to readjust my life and my mind. To give my mind and body a break from all the stress that I had put myself through the last nearly 10 years.

There were health issues, deaths, the end of my 10 year D/s relationship. All the traveling for many reasons including work. With all that my mind and body took a good beating...and not the pleasurable kind...lol

So I'm wound up after all those figures. My mind is not going to rest for awhile so I started cleaning...again.

I'm taking a bit of a break from the smell of Mr. Clean and bleach.

My bathroom is sparkling. A few loads of laundry folded and ready to be put away.

Next I'm going to tackle the kitchen cupboards that need reorganizing and probably a little purging.

So I think it will be an all nighter for me. But all of that will give me satisfaction and my home will feel a little lighter as well as my shoulders...figuratively speaking.

Well my King got turned around and came home last night. But...he may be heading out right away today. Worries me because I got an alert on my phone to expect freezing rain in the area.

Not sure if I get to see him before he leaves. My morning is busy with my little human's appointments so no morning visit. Hopefully he'll have time to stop in later today.

As long as he is safe, and the weather holds off then I'm happy!

I've been reading about how the little things matter. When you don't get to see your partner often then those little things are truly important.

My King and I don't get to see each other often, but I knew from the beginning this was not a conventional relationship and I accepted it.

But, we communicate a lot. He is not just my Master but someone who I confide in, I tell my deepest darkest secrets to, who I tell my daily problems to, he is my friend. And I know I am that for him.

When we are physically together my whole being moves into that sweet space that I only find with him. Even though I wish to have more time with him I am happy the way things are working out. I have a life that would be hard to live if I was in a 24/7 dynamic. So those moments that we find to spend together are more meaningful even if they aren't lengthy moments.

When my King stopped in on Tuesday I was happy even though it was a quick visit. I love the hugs and kisses he gives me after we play. I feel the respect and appreciation for what I give him in those simple things. The dress I threw on quickly to go answer the door has cutouts on the shoulders, exposing skin, and he kissed my shoulder. A simple little thing like a kiss on the shoulder sticks in my mind. A feeling attached to it which keeps it coming back.

When I undress and brush my shoulder I feel his lips. When I pull his t-shirt over my head I feel his hugs. And when we communicate like we do it's like those kisses he gives me before he leaves, the comfort and trust he feels for me.

Doesn't it all sound romantic?

It fills me with the desires and fulfillment that I need from a partner right now.

I am living a naughty, sex filled story. A secret life that makes the physical times more exciting in a way. This might sound selfish but I'm giving him something he doesn't get anywhere else right now and I feel proud that he wants me for that side of him.

The little things keep the story going, keeps us wanting and needing to continue onto the next passionate and lustfilled chapter.

Is that romantic?

I serve him, I'm owned by him, he takes his pleasure from me and I from him. We don't have candle lit dinners or movies and walks under the stars. We don't have the time to be domestically romantic like cooking together. We don't have the ability to be naughty out in public.

So no it's not romantic, it's an exciting raw, passionate, lifestyle story, where I serve him, please him, fulfill him, and he takes me to another place where the power exchange and passion fulfills my fantasies.

There's always an end to a story like this but I hope and we both want this to have many chapters and maybe even a sequel...but I'll be happy with many chapters...😁

When I first met my King he had a different job. He was near every day. There was more freedom to be together. Then he quit because of his boss abusing his power. He was unemployed for a couple weeks then found work in logistics/transport.

In the beginning the hauls were fairly close. He'd be gone, longest a week. The last month they are getting longer. With winter setting in and the weather unpredictable in our Great White North...lol...(Bob and Doug McKenzie), his hauls will be dangerous and long.

So with that, it's going to be hard. A long, worrisome, and lonesome winter. But I will cherish every moment he has for me.