My Musings

My King is in perfect form!

If He was a mess He'd be my mess.

He is my King, therefore I am his queen, and I shall do everything in my power to protect Him!

I updated my "About Me"...and thought I'd share in my blog as well.

I'm a very intelligent, highly educated, mature woman, who has OCD, serious issues with crowds, and at times I prefer solitude...not a loner because I have a lot of friends. It's just that my vanilla friends are always trying to set me up with one of their single buddies, so I make excuses often and hole up in my little home.

My vanilla friends call me a gypsy but it's because I always moved to live with my Domina/Dominant. I lived in 3 different Canadian provinces and in the midwest USA.

I've been home in Saskatchewan, Canada for almost 4 years, close to family and very happy I'm here. I am a caregiver during the week, of a little human that has ADHD. My little human's parents have 2 other young children and being that my little human is family I've taken it upon myself to relieve the mother of all the stress of the school week. So my weekdays are full of my little human and my Master when he's not away for work.

I was contracted by a European company for a year and now that my contract is up and almost finished I've decided to take at least a year off work to enjoy life a little and to actually settle into a somewhat normal existence. One more trip to Belgium than I'm free to relax and be at my Master's beck and call.

I love to travel. I've been to at least 18 US States, 5 Canadian Provinces, and 4 Countries in Europe. No I'm not bilingual, only perfect English...?...learned a little Dutch while working in Belgium but far from fluent. But, I do believe I'm all traveled out...for now anyway...until the Irish Traveler/Gypsy in me beckons.

I LOVE the written English language and always wanted to work as an editor but life doesn't always work the way we want it to. Soooooo...I hope to one day write a book of all my adventures both in and out of the lifestyle, an autobiography or memoirs perhaps.

I love football, my son played in high school...have seen KC Chiefs play and practice in person many times. Have seen Saskatchewan Roughriders play in person a few times. Watch both teams on tv when I can. Hockey is another love of mine and played as a young adult. Get me on skates today and I'd never stay upright...?...baseball was a high school sport for me, pitched for a local adult team when I was a teenager when they seen me pitch at a school tournament. Skiing ruined me for any type of physical sport when I was in my 20s, serious accident caused by a novice, that kept me off my feet for a couple weeks.

As a mature adult now, I've experienced, because of the skiing accident and then a serious car accident, that life can throw you off guard and slow you down. It caused me to nearly be wheelchair bound but thanks to titanium I won't see a wheelchair, ever, I hope.

I love horror, science fiction, romantic dramas, and porn...?...I'm considered, mostly, a metal head but enjoy all genres of music except the lonely c & w songs.

And I am happy with where my life has set me down after so many changes over the past 10 years. I'm grateful for all that I have and what I see my future to be.

So now I know why my Master laughed so hard at/with me.

When I'm tortured in any way my mouth gets very...ummm, let's just say I can make a sailor blush.

He had the wand directly on my clit for awhile, trying to make me squirt (which I don't do often but he has made me once so far) and it was almost too many orgasms for me. I can usually handle a lot, I'm multi-orgasmic...?...but it's been awhile since I've been forced, with him it's usually a passionate almost primal build up then allowances are granted.

I should have warned him that my mouth gets very filthy when I'm forced. But I didn't think that the wand would affect me like that. Guess it's all in the hands of the user...?

I called him a "fucker". I don't remember, I usually don't remember everything that comes from my mouth when in that mindset.

I begged forgiveness and he said he understood, that it was all in the moment.

Calling him a "fucker" was funny to him. I did explain that I've called my Doms worse names when being tortured/tormented. So now he knows...?

What a perfect way to spend the afternoon. I waited in the bedroom with my black and purple babydoll on. He comes inside, locks the front door. I feel so silly how young he makes me feel when I am with him. I almost felt like bouncing on the bed how much adrenaline was pumping through me. He undresses and comes to my side of the bed so I can touch him. He attaches my collar and leans his body into my back so I can feel his hardness, as his hands find my breast.

We were both so excited that we just enjoyed each others bodies. He allowed me to cum once...then!

Master pulled out the wand.

While he was inside of me he pressed it up against my clit. Both of us getting the feel of the vibrations.

I had at least 4 orgasms, one right after another. He was enjoying it and it made him cum hard too. But he wouldn't take the darn thing off my clit, I was sweating and squealing, grunting.

I'm sure my foul mouth and the sounds that came from me weren't very lady like...?...I realized how I must have sounded and I started laughing, which started him laughing. He removed the wand and I asked him, "I bet you never heard those sounds come out of me before." Laughing he said, "Nope!" I was still cumming when he pulled out of me. I could feel my face heat up and told him I felt almost embarrassed, he laid on top of me...still laughing and said not to be embarrassed. My goodness how wonderful the weight of him felt on me and comforted me even though he was still laughing. It was funny though, and I laughed along with him. I told him I was going to hide the wand next time...?

I cleaned him with my ever so eager mouth. I so love the taste of our juices mingled like that. And I know it pleases him very much to watch me take care of him like that.

Then we laid in each other's arms enjoying the glow of pleasure. We are very touchy people and we run our hands and fingers over each other in light touches all while we cuddle. Talked about life in general, told each other things no normal M/s play partners would. Very personal and important things. This Master of mine trusts me so deeply that he makes me love him even more.

It was that time...time to get dressed because my little human would be home from school soon. I would love for him to meet her, and I've told him as much. He has met my daughter already so meeting my little one would be just as meaningful.

I went into his warm hug, kissed him, I had to put my hands on his beard...such a handsome man my Master is! Watched him walk to his vehicle and did my little squeal and happy wiggle...and watched for the little human whom resides with me during the week.

Although he is married, our vanilla lives don't coincide, so meeting my daughter and the little human I care for has no bearing on our separate lives. We live completely different vanilla lives. He lives an hour away. Even if for some reason we end up in the same place at the same time we know how to adjust ourselves. But it would be a very rare occurrence if that did happen.

As he was about to walk out I told him to please come see me when he has the time. He said maybe tomorrow...the bugger is going to spoil me again! I love it!

My Master will be here in a couple hours.

I'm so excited...happy...adrenaline is kicking in. Smiling, giggling, and my body is on fire!

I have to run an errand and he ordered nipple clamps to be put on lightly while I'm out. ?

I have a vanilla friend who knows about my lifestyle. She tries to understand but there are some things that I know she can't or won't accept and today I came clean with her about my Master.

She called me to have our usual end of the weekend chat. Talked about our families and the huge meals we helped make and eat. Then she asked how my new relationship is working out.

I told her a little about my Master when I started serving him. I didn't go into his vanilla details because I didn't think she had the right to know that part of him.

Today she grilled me. Or tried to. Asked me many questions which I skirted around. Then she must have realized why. Asked me...or more like demanded to know..."Is he married!?!"

I've always been totally honest with her. She knew who my past play partner was from his full name, where he lived, place of work, and had showed her a picture of him.

I've shared none of this, about my new Master, with her. Not even after her pestering and grilling me. I did not break down except to say, "Yes he's married!"

She went quiet. I called her name twice. I said, "if you don't answer I am going to hang up". I heard her clear her voice and these are the things she said and asked, without waiting for me to answer right away.

"How can you do that to another woman after how your ex treated you?"

"What if it was my husband, would you let him beat your ass and fuck you?"

"How can you be with him and then watch him leave to go home to his wife, doesn't that hurt you?"

"How can you deal with only seeing him when he can get away from her?"

"How do you get past the thoughts of him being intimate with her?"

"What will you do when he's done getting his jolly's from you?"

Then she was quiet again. So I asked, "can I tell you my thoughts and answers now that you got it all out?" She said, "fine!"

I may have said a lot more to her but this is the gist of what I said to her. I know I didn't have to justify myself and life choices to her but I wanted her to at least think about what my answers were and maybe understand a little.

If it's not me he would find another to spend his time with. At least with me he is safe from any drama, disease, or jealousy. My ex had it all with me, kink, vanilla, poly, family...he lost his desire for kink and when he seen me it was a reminder that his desire has changed and could no longer please me. So he found someone who didn't remind him of his failure with me.

Your husband is totally in love with you and he would never hurt you like that. I'd never be with a friend's husband or wife even if they were in the lifestyle, unless they were both involved.

It is very easy to be with him because he was totally honest with me right from the first time we started chatting. I knew even before meeting him that he was married. Some men may claim that their wives don't fuck them anymore, or that they aren't satisfied, this I believe from him, and with her there is no passion...which I feel when he's with me, the pent up passion and needs that need to be fulfilled. It doesn't hurt me because I know that I have a separate part of who he is. He doesn't get from her what he gets from me and I'm proud that he wants me like that. I accepted right from the start that I wouldn't have him in my life as often as I'd like, but he makes time for me and that's what matters to me.

The intimacy between him and his wife is of no concern of mine. BUT, with the way my mind works and being that I'm a polyamorous woman, I'm happy that he has her to please his vanilla sexual side. I'm not just sexual to him. I'm his slave, his submissive, I do things for him that she doesn't nor will she ever submit to.

When he is done with my servitude I will accept it. I will be hurt yes, there's no doubt about it. But I went into this relationship with the knowledge that he won't ever be in my bed every night, nor will I have the pleasure of serving him every day. I have already accepted the end and all I can do is enjoy the middle.

Then she thought, or so I could tell, that she almost wanted to hurt me. "Do you feel any guilt at all?"

I am very proud that he choose me to be his slave. No I have no guilt at all. I give him what she won't, so why should I feel guilty. I'm not taking anything away from her, in fact maybe I'm giving her a happier husband.

Then something I wasn't expecting. "What happens if he leaves her for you? Would you have a real relationship with him? That would mean you broke up a family!"

With all that I know, he won't be leaving her any time soon. I have no unrealistic thoughts of his doing that. But if he did that would be his choice and not from my pushing him to do so. Our relationship is real, just not vanilla, the depth of what we have is different but it is still meaningful. And if he did separate from her of course I would accept more of him, as much as he wants, because I love him.

Then she said, "I need to go, I don't get you. How can you love a man that wants you like this. Bye." And click. So next time we talk, she'll either avoid talking about him or try make me feel bad or guilty. Which, if she tries to, it will be the end of our conversation and maybe our friendship. She is very negative about the lifestyle but she never has tried to make me hurt over it before. Sure I understand her views but doesn't mean I have to put up with them or deal with any abuse from her.

On a different but similar note: This is something that Master and I had discussed when he brought up an issue with his wife, which he apologized for telling me about. I had told Master that no matter how we look at it his wife is part of my life too...although unbeknownst to her...she is part of him therefore she is part of me as well. I have no interest in causing problems between them, in fact if Master ever asked my opinion about her, or asked me to give him advice I would. He loves her and his children very much. He may be having an "affair" with me but what my friend doesn't understand is that I may just be saving his marriage by giving him what he NEEDS then he goes home happy and fulfilled. He doesn't just come to me to fuck me, or beat me. We have intelligent long talks, we tell each other about our daily vanilla life, talk about our children and other important things in life. So I am included in his life in a different way but yet still included. He trusts me just as much as I trust him. I've accepted all and everything there is about him. I've made the choice to serve a married man, I just wish my most dearest and closest friend could understand how happy I am. Missing him but still happy I belong to him.

It's been 9 days since I seen my Master. We are always messaging or texting but that doesn't fulfill the touch I crave from him, the look in his eyes when he sees me, or the sound of his voice..

When I seen him last I gave him a massage. Which I enjoyed very much. I fed him, which is part of a need I have as a slave. To fulfill every part of my Masters needs...not just the sexual needs.

My desire to serve his every need and want sets a fire deep inside of me. I'm not the overly needy type but he had kind of spoiled me by seeing me often.

Being that it's Thanksgiving long weekend I understand that he has to be with his children and family. I envy them very much so but I am also grateful that he has others whom are part of his life. I have had a busy weekend as well with my own children. 

But now that everything is winding down. I don't look forward to going home to an empty house, where if I sit on the couch I remember how he bent me over, spanked me and took his pleasure. Or looking at my queen size bed and imagining the way he is almost primal with me. Or my bathroom where he showers off my scent. Then the kitchen where I prepared the food that I fed him.

I miss my Master! I hope to see him tomorrow if he's not called away for a last minute job.

The time we spent with the possible playmate, the thoughts of possibilities, were all good and great.

But then you step out of that lustful excited feeling for a bit to get down to the serious stuff...like negotiation and respect. 

I'll admit that things looked good for the first few days after we played with her and I was looking forward to having a young female play mate. 

But serious negotiations started, she didn't believe she could handle an important rather simple rule, then we learned something about her that turned us completely off of her. 

We knew certain things about her from the beginning but she was eager to be part of our lives. We thought we could help her deal with her issues, mentor, and train her. 

Very sexy young girl, very intelligent, bonded well with us when we were all together, but she has issues that we can't emotionally and physically deal with. Our lives are just too full with other concerns that what she brought into our lives could have interfered.

I'll admit that I do have concerns for her. She's not to the point of self destruction or mental break...nothing to that severity. Her issues are things that she will eventually figure out and mend. She'll find the one(s) who can/will help her deal with them. She's just too much for us. 

So we will take a wee bit of a break and start our search over. It's been such a long time that I've vetted anyone that my vetting skills are getting rusty. I should have seen or felt more, but my rustiness had been cleansed and I'm back in my form!

I'm so afraid of drama. I despise that emotional side of people. I'm not dramatic in any way. I can be a brat but only to spice things up a bit.

Including an extra in our lives can open up the scene to drama if proper protocol isn't followed and respected between all those involved.

We still haven't made any concrete plans to keep her as our play partner. As much as we would enjoy having her with us now and again, there is that certain rule she needs to comply with before a decision is made.

Once she has done as we ask I will be sitting down with her, set rules, exchange ideas, talk expectations, and then a decision will be made. I'm his primary therefore if I'm not happy he won't be either. And the main thing that is needed, TRUST. If trust is not there, or if it is given, then broken, it can affect my dynamic with my Master.

If I was the open relationship type, or wasn't a true poly minded person it wouldn't matter. But for me to be in even a play relationship there are certain protocols that need to be taken into consideration. If it is too much for anyone who joins us in any way then they are welcome to say as much but we need those rules followed.

I don't think it is too much to ask for or expect.

Things are so different with my Master.

We've only been an M/s couple for a few months.

The "play" relationship that lasted almost a year didn't have the depth I have with my Master already.

The communication is incredible. He is always in contact and when he isn't I know why or for how long. My trust and comfort in him is like I would give to a 24/7 Master.

My submission and servitude was given so easy. My bond to him was immediate, even before we decided on a dynamic.

Now 3 months in and I'm having those deeper feelings that I always tried to reserve for the one whom I would be 24/7 with. I knew I would eventually love him but this soon is kind of surprising for me. I cared for him immediately, no doubt about that.

I just realized last night how deep my feelings really go.

We experienced playing with our new friend, he had a fantasy fulfilled, he allowed me the pleasure to play with a woman, and I got to watch him fuck her. I loved every moment of it and so did he. So with all that, the bond I felt with him just grew deeper, causing the deeper emotions to show. No jealousy, far from it, in fact I'm anxious to play with her again but there is an issue we have to work out with her first.

As the day went on, after we played with her, later in the evening, while at the meeting I went to, I started feeling this empty sad feeling. Cried when I got home. The high I was feeling from the play was crashing. My endorphins and hormones lowered a little too fast because of the reality I had to deal with.

When Master plays with me we always cuddle and talk. And I have had the pleasure of him spending the night. Yesterday there was no time for cuddling and talking. We talked a bit after she left, kissed and hugged. Then we went our separate ways.

I found myself dealing with a different type of subdrop. One that I've never experienced before. I'm an experienced older submissive and yet I didn't see it right away. It hit me suddenly and when I realized what it was I knew how to deal with it.

Master said that he had wanted the cuddling and talking too. So it didn't just affect me, he missed the bond we share after play as well.

But this hasn't deterred us. When she has done as we asked we will continue playing with her. She will join us now and again, she will be with just me when Master is away for work. So we will continue with our plans, it's just now we know that I need, we need, the aftercare.

This just goes to show that we continue learning about ourselves, and that we grow with each relationship we form.