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Just my thoughts, random shit, rants, and just about anything that comes to mind.

Random thoughts, some insight into my crazy thoughts, how I see life that kind of shit. I am that girl that everyone tells "your so great" who wants to stay friends with but doesn't actually want to put the effort in for. Story of my life.
3 days ago. Jan 13, 2021, 7:29 AM

Someone who actually cares, who listens, is supportive, and wants the best for me.  What the hell do I do with that?  That is the thoughts going through my head.  How sad for me that I know how to survive, how to become whatever is needed to.  I don't know what to do with someone who is actually what I need them to be.  Don't get me wrong I am very happy to find someone who can be everything I have needed and wanted I just don't know what to do with it. Still kinda waiting for it to be yanked from me, everytime I find something good it gets taken from me.  

 

I am not going to focus on possibly losing this new thing, I am going to focus on moving forward and being happy. Being happy is something new, I am excited, nervous, but so grateful these people have entered my life. Planning for the future!

 

 

2 weeks ago. Jan 2, 2021, 2:16 AM

 

For the first time, I spent New Year's alone and I am perfectly okay with that.

This year I have already decided that changes are going to be put into effect. I just feel like a weight has been lifted, I quit being there for both my ex but everyone else but my kids.  It is time for me to focus on myself, I have been doing this since Christmas.  

I am giving myself 3 months to get out of this place and start my life.  Living for myself, taking some time to decompress bc I am burnt out.

So Happy New Year to everyone!

 

 

I feel like this song sums it up for me when it comes to my ex. 

2 weeks ago. Jan 2, 2021, 1:53 AM

4 weeks ago. Dec 17, 2020, 2:26 AM

1 month ago. Dec 15, 2020, 2:45 AM

Today I made a decision, I have been ready honestly but much like last time the day I am just ready to walk away something life-changing happens.  When he told me his cancer came back, I was planning to move away from this place, from him and the toxic people he surrounds himself with.  He asked me to give him 3 months, he was concerned about covid but also needed time to get his shit in order. Up until this point, I was asking for a divorce, to do what we had agreed to when we made this arrangement. I just needed my own life I have given up more than he prob deserved but I kept my word to him.  His actions do not make mine mean any less. 

 

Honestly, while I have always kept to this agreement he has not today was my breaking point.  After sitting down to write out everything I wanted to say, changed some of it, added to it you get the picture I send him a message.  The message was brutally honest, quite clear in how I saw his choices, what I wanted from him but finally especially that I have no problem walking away with nothing just to end this shit show.  Starting over with nothing is not new to me, I have rebuilt before I can do it again.  I've never needed him not in the ways he thinks, yeah I needed help fighting for my son, without his help, I would have lost bc I could have never paid the amount it took to win.  Other than that he has never met a single need I had.  Which is fine I have been taking care of myself for a long time, I don't know what it is to depend on anyone but myself.  

 

Between his behavior, the revolving door of poor choices he calls g/f, and the messes I have to clean up from those chicks I am just done.  Maybe if he didn't treat me like he can't live without me one second, then as soon as someone is around like I am the hired help things would be different.  I don't hate, I thought I didn't have that in me but this man I really think might just make me rethink that.  At the start of us 17yrs ago, he was honestly the only person I had ever loved, and I loved him so much it physically hurt.  10 years in I cared maybe loved him in some way but wasn't in love with him anymore, he destroyed anything between us, but I cared if he lived or died which is why I fought so hard for him to live. 7 years later I can not stand to hear his voice, every time I have to deal with him just the sight of him, the sound of his voice makes me mad.  I become someone else around him, something I don't like.

 

He thinks he loves this girl, he asked my opinion and I gave it.  No neither one of them love each other, you don't let someone you love fight for their life in ICU while you rob them, or rob them every time you're at their house, you don't let your g/f you love to get away with sleeping with your (not bio) kid in your house. They are toxic and broken, the sad part he should know better bc he has had real love.  He had someone who would fight for him, take care of him, not leave his side he knows better.  This was not in any way appreciated, but hey don't ask if you don't want the answer. 

Anyone who has ever seen me around him tells me the same thing, they can see this change come over me as soon as I pull up to his house.  I shut down, my entire demeanor changes, I brace for war almost like for whatever bullshit is going to happen, just become someone so different it confuses them.  I've actually had someone fight with me about even getting out of the car, said my light just went out but I guess I don't see it.  Am I absolutely aware I have a different attitude when I am around him yeah to this degree no?  It is very apparent that he is an asshole but is he an asshole who deserves to die alone?  I can not answer that question but I know I can't do it anymore.

1 month ago. Dec 14, 2020, 9:05 PM

Laughs and Orgasms You Can't Beat That!  One of the best weekends in long while.

1 month ago. Dec 11, 2020, 6:18 AM

Today I laughed, cut up, listen to music, ate chocolate it was wonderful.  Counting today as a win!

1 month ago. Dec 10, 2020, 2:53 AM

Last night was one of the roughest nights in a long time.  My husband is in the 3rd stage of kidney disease. He needs dialysis but refuses, so it hit a critical level last night. Last night his kidneys started to actually shut down, when your kidneys stop working toxins build up in your body.  You go crazy, nothing makes sense, you think things are happening that are not.  Most importantly you don't think anything is wrong. He is not able to get a kidney transplant, so it means dialysis for the rest of his life. 

 

So back to the nightmare of last night, I had been trying to call him, make sure he was okay but he wasn't answering.  Due to his health, I still have a key to the house, so I went over to check on him.  To my surprise one of his ex-junkie g/f was at his house, now she was supposed to be clean but I could clearly see she had been taking his pain medication. The first thing she said "why are you here", my response "this is my house, he is my husband you have no business in this conversation".  Which all of his little 25yr old g/f have an issue with but I don't give a fuck...They all leave him sick sometimes in need of medical attention without telling anyone.  I can name several times I checked on him that they left him needing medical attention.  So sorry little girls, that is the house I lived in for 10yrs and I need to make sure he is okay.  

 

Clearly, he was not in his right mind, he was tearing up the house "looking for a letter".  This is a common thing when his levels are off, so right away I started to try to get him to seek medical treatment.  At which time this little girl starts yelling, I have had enough of this shit, the last time she was there she robed him.  That was the wrong thing to do, I  let her know if she didn't shut up I would be forcibly removing her from the property.  After a lot of screaming from her, me to him, him to her I realized he wasn't going to let me help him. He didn't understand something was wrong.

 

I had to leave, knowing he was going to get worse, that she wouldn't help him.  I came home and cried my eyes out til I went to bed.  When it hit a critical level I did get a phone call and was able to get him help.  Having to watch that without being able to do anything god that was hard. 

 

I used the resources available to us to prevent this in the future bc it will happen again bc he's refusing treatment.

1 month ago. Dec 8, 2020, 6:42 AM

After having a rough night not being able to sleep I was woken up with a text from my daughter. "Mom can I come lay in bed with you I can't sleep".  We spent the day in bed sleeping, watching TV, talking. Not only does know she has this safe place she can come to anytime but actually comes just makes everything worth it. This child has never had that. I make damn sure when she needs me I move heaven and earth for her. She's never going to feel like she's alone again. Every time she leaves I remind her this is always her home, if she needs to come home. Can I just say I still get teary eyed every time she calls mom!  I can't erase 17 years of pain but I can make sure she knows everyday she's loved, she's got me and I will go to war for that little girl. 

1 month ago. Dec 7, 2020, 2:27 AM

Today was a good day, spent some time with my daughter.  I got my daughter a year in a half ago, her parents signed her over to me the mom sight unseen or even talked to me.  I am filing to adopt her even though she is 18.  To me, she is my daughter, who I am very protective of.  This child was given drugs by her mother at 12, she had a hard damn life, never could depend on anyone her dad having to much pride to admit he let this beautiful child down.  I dated her dad for a few months, I choose her when the time came to leave she has been my daughter since.

 

She sent me a text at like 6 am just to tell me her jeans aren't fitting bc of her weight gain from birth control.  Just to vent, I got up and got dressed while I called her told her to get ready I was coming to get her to buy some pants.  She cried, she still isn't used to having someone be there for her and take care of her.  It pisses me off so much that something so small means so much to her bc that is our jobs as parents.  I had to fight her to let me do it, she knows I am struggling with losing my job, car, and house.  She didn't want me to spend my money, she does that every time she needs something.  If she just mentions it I will go do what I can, that is what you do for your kids period. 

 

This little girl works two jobs, she was out of work for a week when she fell and hurt her back.  I brought her to the hospital then back to my house and put her in my bed with me.  I kept her there until she was okay to go home.  She lost pay from both jobs, she's struggling but will not ask me for anything.  When I noticed she didn't have food I got it for her.  These things are something she doesn't expect nor does she ask for.  She will go without it before she asks for help, but lately, we have been making progress on that front.  She let me buy her some clothes today, gave her money to get her ID, brought her to eat.  She will accept things somewhat without a fight but won't ask, at least she's telling me she is having issues now. 

 

 

See I am the mom to the unwanted kids, while I have helped a lot of them I have taken in two as my own. I wanted a house full but that decision was taken from me, this was my way of filling that emptyness.  So I spent the day with my daughter, talked to my son and it was a very happy day for me!