Just my thoughts, random shit, rants, and just about anything that comes to mind.

If you have been following me you know that I have struggled with being there for my husband and letting go.  Always felt like I needed to be there no matter what he did and that I somehow was still supposed to be there for him when he got sick.  Even though our marriage was basically on paper only except when he needed care.  Yes, I knew he was using being sick to get out of trouble with me sometimes.  Like he does some shit that I would try to distance then somehow he'd get sick and I would have to focus on that. Was I aware of this? Yes, but I honestly can't explain why I would let him suck me back in with it.  

Letting go is not easy for me, when I care for someone it takes alot to be absolutely done with them.  Guessing that I just hadn't gotten to that point yet. Now I have, I don't want to go into what happened but needless to say, it crossed that line for me.  The only time I talk to him is when I need the shared vehicle, he has tried to "need" me with a broken foot (wonder how that happened at the same time huh).  He doesn't know what to do now he's tried the greatest hits that would have brought me around before but outside of dying, I am done.  Sticking to that is easy I don't feel the need to take care of him at all.

What a weight lifted off me, I am free and it feels great!

It has been a while since I have been on this site, I took a break from the lifestyle as well as all social media.

So are you wondering what happened? Let me list them in no real order:

1. My play partner and I parted ways after a scene in which I had to safeword after trying to communicate an issue that was being ignored repeatedly.  It was an honest mistake, we spoke at length about it and still talk but this part of our lives together is over after years.

2. I got robbed by my date, it was a very traumatic experience.

3. My daughter who is bipolar got married and separated.  She quit taking her medication and tried to take her life.

4. My dad had a heart attack and required surgery.

5. My step-grandmother died the same day my dad had a heart attack.

6. My husband (we are together for medical purposes only) almost died in front of me, had to call 911 while waiting 15 mins with him not being able to breathe or move his body. 

7. Moved

I honestly just shut down, had to decide if I even wanted to be in the lifestyle anymore.  The things I enjoyed a year ago or even 6 months ago just aren't something I can see myself doing right now.  After some soul searching I have decided to dip my toe back into this lifestyle.  Start slowly seeing how I feel about things, being burnt out I don't know what that looks like for me in the lifestyle anymore.  

So hi I am back, hope to reconnect with some friends and go from there.

A lot has happened in the last few months, I had to step back from the lifestyle to focus on my family.  Something also happened to make me rethink my lifestyle choice. It has taken me some time to decide if I want to continue this lifestyle, if so what changes did I need to make.  

Someone who I played with for over a year who I had given my trust to broke that trust during a scene.  I don't think he did it on purpose he was just in his head with his issues.  The entire session was off, he wasn't listening to me, actually wouldn't let me talk even when it was a matter of safety at which time I called an end to the entire scene.  It shook me, he had never been like that we had always been in sync with each other.  During that session, I also kinda figured out that my reaction to pain was not the same as it had been in the past I wasn't enjoying it.  So we both took time to talk but also to try and figure things out on our separate sides.  What I figured out was 1st I didn't respond to the same things I use to, 2nd the type of Dom he is just wasn't what I needed anymore my needs had changed.

Another issue was I couldn't get into a submissive headspace, I had told him that prior that bc of what I was having to deal with this was something I was struggling with.  Not something I can just turn on and off. In my day-to-day life, I am very dominant but not by choice! 

We sat down and had a conversation in which we both decided to go our own way, that we would stay friends but I would be taking a break from the lifestyle, to figure out what I want to do going forward.

As far as my family, my stepmom is paralyzed now for life.  I had to find her someone where to go that can help her, took care of everything, getting her SSI, wheelchair ect. My father got into 2 wrecks, my ex got into 3 wrecks, I broke my foot again and spent a couple of weeks in and out of the hospital.  My daughter moved home suddenly so I had to get her furniture, moved and settled in while he was in the hospital.  

Needless to say, I have not stopped, having to take care of everything I am just mentally burnt out.

So a week ago I got a phone call,  my stepmom is paralyzed from the waist down and we don't know why.  Nothing happened that we know about,  she was walking one min then her legs went numb and she was paralyzed. The doctors are still trying to figure out what happened or how to help her.

I swear I feel like I can't come up for air, it is one thing after another.

How do you walk away from someone when they are having mental issues?  I thought I had finally gotten free then I got the call that he isn't mentally stable, to the point he is a danger to himself and possibly others.  Once again I had to step in, spent weeks with him in the hospital trying to get him better.  Then played babysitter bc he almost blinded himself seeing bugs in his eyes that simply aren't there.

I am working on getting him a live-in nurse, in the meantime, I am once again having to be the sole caretaker.  In the last month, I think I have been home maybe 3-4 nights to sleep in my bed and that is the last couple of days.  How do I disengage but at the same time make sure he is okay?  Is it selfish to want my own life as someone is dying?  Even when that time is extended bc some of the treatments I talked him into worked. 

He asked me to come home, that he loved me but like I told him he wants a caretaker, he doesn't actually want me.  He doesn't want to fix this dead relationship he wants not to be alone.  Someone who is there bc he is lonely, he is wanting someone to sleep next to him, to cook for him, clean for him.  What he doesn't want is me, doesn't want to put any effort into making me happy.  Honestly, I don't want to go back, I have zero need to go back.  I told him that I don't trust him, giving up the independence I fought hard for, his promises mean nothing, giving up my home away from him is not an option.  

It isn't me as a person he wants he just wants the security that I am to him.  He wants a caretaker, to not be alone.  That I can understand but he has gotten enough of my life, enough of me for several lifetimes.  

An hour after we got home from the hospital, after I told him I needed sleep at my house for a few hours, he had one of his junkie g/f at the house, guess what she did?  She stole all his pain medication, broke into his phone, and transferred money to herself then took his keys and $500.  After going through the shit she left there I found my clothes, makeup, lingerie from before I left just all kinds of shit.  She actually broke into the house a week later thinking no one was there, I was waiting for her, she got physically removed from the house her stuff she had left thrown in the streets.  Guess who had to deal with that?  I finally just filed charges on both of them for all the stealing, cc fraud, bank fraud, getting multiple phones under his name, and on it goes.  

I got rid of both of them, filed charges, told him if he talked to either of them I was done helping I am tired of dealing with them.  

Finally, I am home hopefully soon we can have someone taking care of him full time.  Right now it is taking everything I have mentally to deal with this.  Why do I always take care of others but not myself apparently.

Someone who actually cares, who listens, is supportive, and wants the best for me.  What the hell do I do with that?  That is the thoughts going through my head.  How sad for me that I know how to survive, how to become whatever is needed to.  I don't know what to do with someone who is actually what I need them to be.  Don't get me wrong I am very happy to find someone who can be everything I have needed and wanted I just don't know what to do with it. Still kinda waiting for it to be yanked from me, everytime I find something good it gets taken from me.  

I am not going to focus on possibly losing this new thing, I am going to focus on moving forward and being happy. Being happy is something new, I am excited, nervous, but so grateful these people have entered my life. Planning for the future!

For the first time, I spent New Year's alone and I am perfectly okay with that.

This year I have already decided that changes are going to be put into effect. I just feel like a weight has been lifted, I quit being there for both my ex but everyone else but my kids.  It is time for me to focus on myself, I have been doing this since Christmas.  

I am giving myself 3 months to get out of this place and start my life.  Living for myself, taking some time to decompress bc I am burnt out.

So Happy New Year to everyone!

I feel like this song sums it up for me when it comes to my ex. 

Today I made a decision, I have been ready honestly but much like last time the day I am just ready to walk away something life-changing happens.  When he told me his cancer came back, I was planning to move away from this place, from him and the toxic people he surrounds himself with.  He asked me to give him 3 months, he was concerned about covid but also needed time to get his shit in order. Up until this point, I was asking for a divorce, to do what we had agreed to when we made this arrangement. I just needed my own life I have given up more than he prob deserved but I kept my word to him.  His actions do not make mine mean any less. 

Honestly, while I have always kept to this agreement he has not today was my breaking point.  After sitting down to write out everything I wanted to say, changed some of it, added to it you get the picture I send him a message.  The message was brutally honest, quite clear in how I saw his choices, what I wanted from him but finally especially that I have no problem walking away with nothing just to end this shit show.  Starting over with nothing is not new to me, I have rebuilt before I can do it again.  I've never needed him not in the ways he thinks, yeah I needed help fighting for my son, without his help, I would have lost bc I could have never paid the amount it took to win.  Other than that he has never met a single need I had.  Which is fine I have been taking care of myself for a long time, I don't know what it is to depend on anyone but myself.  

Between his behavior, the revolving door of poor choices he calls g/f, and the messes I have to clean up from those chicks I am just done.  Maybe if he didn't treat me like he can't live without me one second, then as soon as someone is around like I am the hired help things would be different.  I don't hate, I thought I didn't have that in me but this man I really think might just make me rethink that.  At the start of us 17yrs ago, he was honestly the only person I had ever loved, and I loved him so much it physically hurt.  10 years in I cared maybe loved him in some way but wasn't in love with him anymore, he destroyed anything between us, but I cared if he lived or died which is why I fought so hard for him to live. 7 years later I can not stand to hear his voice, every time I have to deal with him just the sight of him, the sound of his voice makes me mad.  I become someone else around him, something I don't like.

He thinks he loves this girl, he asked my opinion and I gave it.  No neither one of them love each other, you don't let someone you love fight for their life in ICU while you rob them, or rob them every time you're at their house, you don't let your g/f you love to get away with sleeping with your (not bio) kid in your house. They are toxic and broken, the sad part he should know better bc he has had real love.  He had someone who would fight for him, take care of him, not leave his side he knows better.  This was not in any way appreciated, but hey don't ask if you don't want the answer. 

Anyone who has ever seen me around him tells me the same thing, they can see this change come over me as soon as I pull up to his house.  I shut down, my entire demeanor changes, I brace for war almost like for whatever bullshit is going to happen, just become someone so different it confuses them.  I've actually had someone fight with me about even getting out of the car, said my light just went out but I guess I don't see it.  Am I absolutely aware I have a different attitude when I am around him yeah to this degree no?  It is very apparent that he is an asshole but is he an asshole who deserves to die alone?  I can not answer that question but I know I can't do it anymore.