1 month ago. Dec 15, 2020, 2:45 AM
Today I made a decision, I have been ready honestly but much like last time the day I am just ready to walk away something life-changing happens. When he told me his cancer came back, I was planning to move away from this place, from him and the toxic people he surrounds himself with. He asked me to give him 3 months, he was concerned about covid but also needed time to get his shit in order. Up until this point, I was asking for a divorce, to do what we had agreed to when we made this arrangement. I just needed my own life I have given up more than he prob deserved but I kept my word to him. His actions do not make mine mean any less.
Honestly, while I have always kept to this agreement he has not today was my breaking point. After sitting down to write out everything I wanted to say, changed some of it, added to it you get the picture I send him a message. The message was brutally honest, quite clear in how I saw his choices, what I wanted from him but finally especially that I have no problem walking away with nothing just to end this shit show. Starting over with nothing is not new to me, I have rebuilt before I can do it again. I've never needed him not in the ways he thinks, yeah I needed help fighting for my son, without his help, I would have lost bc I could have never paid the amount it took to win. Other than that he has never met a single need I had. Which is fine I have been taking care of myself for a long time, I don't know what it is to depend on anyone but myself.
Between his behavior, the revolving door of poor choices he calls g/f, and the messes I have to clean up from those chicks I am just done. Maybe if he didn't treat me like he can't live without me one second, then as soon as someone is around like I am the hired help things would be different. I don't hate, I thought I didn't have that in me but this man I really think might just make me rethink that. At the start of us 17yrs ago, he was honestly the only person I had ever loved, and I loved him so much it physically hurt. 10 years in I cared maybe loved him in some way but wasn't in love with him anymore, he destroyed anything between us, but I cared if he lived or died which is why I fought so hard for him to live. 7 years later I can not stand to hear his voice, every time I have to deal with him just the sight of him, the sound of his voice makes me mad. I become someone else around him, something I don't like.
He thinks he loves this girl, he asked my opinion and I gave it. No neither one of them love each other, you don't let someone you love fight for their life in ICU while you rob them, or rob them every time you're at their house, you don't let your g/f you love to get away with sleeping with your (not bio) kid in your house. They are toxic and broken, the sad part he should know better bc he has had real love. He had someone who would fight for him, take care of him, not leave his side he knows better. This was not in any way appreciated, but hey don't ask if you don't want the answer.
Anyone who has ever seen me around him tells me the same thing, they can see this change come over me as soon as I pull up to his house. I shut down, my entire demeanor changes, I brace for war almost like for whatever bullshit is going to happen, just become someone so different it confuses them. I've actually had someone fight with me about even getting out of the car, said my light just went out but I guess I don't see it. Am I absolutely aware I have a different attitude when I am around him yeah to this degree no? It is very apparent that he is an asshole but is he an asshole who deserves to die alone? I can not answer that question but I know I can't do it anymore.