A lot has happened in the last few months, I had to step back from the lifestyle to focus on my family. Something also happened to make me rethink my lifestyle choice. It has taken me some time to decide if I want to continue this lifestyle, if so what changes did I need to make.
Someone who I played with for over a year who I had given my trust to broke that trust during a scene. I don't think he did it on purpose he was just in his head with his issues. The entire session was off, he wasn't listening to me, actually wouldn't let me talk even when it was a matter of safety at which time I called an end to the entire scene. It shook me, he had never been like that we had always been in sync with each other. During that session, I also kinda figured out that my reaction to pain was not the same as it had been in the past I wasn't enjoying it. So we both took time to talk but also to try and figure things out on our separate sides. What I figured out was 1st I didn't respond to the same things I use to, 2nd the type of Dom he is just wasn't what I needed anymore my needs had changed.
Another issue was I couldn't get into a submissive headspace, I had told him that prior that bc of what I was having to deal with this was something I was struggling with. Not something I can just turn on and off. In my day-to-day life, I am very dominant but not by choice!
We sat down and had a conversation in which we both decided to go our own way, that we would stay friends but I would be taking a break from the lifestyle, to figure out what I want to do going forward.
As far as my family, my stepmom is paralyzed now for life. I had to find her someone where to go that can help her, took care of everything, getting her SSI, wheelchair ect. My father got into 2 wrecks, my ex got into 3 wrecks, I broke my foot again and spent a couple of weeks in and out of the hospital. My daughter moved home suddenly so I had to get her furniture, moved and settled in while he was in the hospital.
Needless to say, I have not stopped, having to take care of everything I am just mentally burnt out.
