Just my thoughts, random shit, rants, and just about anything that comes to mind.

Laughs and Orgasms You Can't Beat That!  One of the best weekends in long while.

Today I laughed, cut up, listen to music, ate chocolate it was wonderful.  Counting today as a win!

Last night was one of the roughest nights in a long time.  My husband is in the 3rd stage of kidney disease. He needs dialysis but refuses, so it hit a critical level last night. Last night his kidneys started to actually shut down, when your kidneys stop working toxins build up in your body.  You go crazy, nothing makes sense, you think things are happening that are not.  Most importantly you don't think anything is wrong. He is not able to get a kidney transplant, so it means dialysis for the rest of his life. 

So back to the nightmare of last night, I had been trying to call him, make sure he was okay but he wasn't answering.  Due to his health, I still have a key to the house, so I went over to check on him.  To my surprise one of his ex-junkie g/f was at his house, now she was supposed to be clean but I could clearly see she had been taking his pain medication. The first thing she said "why are you here", my response "this is my house, he is my husband you have no business in this conversation".  Which all of his little 25yr old g/f have an issue with but I don't give a fuck...They all leave him sick sometimes in need of medical attention without telling anyone.  I can name several times I checked on him that they left him needing medical attention.  So sorry little girls, that is the house I lived in for 10yrs and I need to make sure he is okay.  

Clearly, he was not in his right mind, he was tearing up the house "looking for a letter".  This is a common thing when his levels are off, so right away I started to try to get him to seek medical treatment.  At which time this little girl starts yelling, I have had enough of this shit, the last time she was there she robed him.  That was the wrong thing to do, I  let her know if she didn't shut up I would be forcibly removing her from the property.  After a lot of screaming from her, me to him, him to her I realized he wasn't going to let me help him. He didn't understand something was wrong.

I had to leave, knowing he was going to get worse, that she wouldn't help him.  I came home and cried my eyes out til I went to bed.  When it hit a critical level I did get a phone call and was able to get him help.  Having to watch that without being able to do anything god that was hard. 

I used the resources available to us to prevent this in the future bc it will happen again bc he's refusing treatment.

After having a rough night not being able to sleep I was woken up with a text from my daughter. "Mom can I come lay in bed with you I can't sleep".  We spent the day in bed sleeping, watching TV, talking. Not only does know she has this safe place she can come to anytime but actually comes just makes everything worth it. This child has never had that. I make damn sure when she needs me I move heaven and earth for her. She's never going to feel like she's alone again. Every time she leaves I remind her this is always her home, if she needs to come home. Can I just say I still get teary eyed every time she calls mom!  I can't erase 17 years of pain but I can make sure she knows everyday she's loved, she's got me and I will go to war for that little girl. 

Today was a good day, spent some time with my daughter.  I got my daughter a year in a half ago, her parents signed her over to me the mom sight unseen or even talked to me.  I am filing to adopt her even though she is 18.  To me, she is my daughter, who I am very protective of.  This child was given drugs by her mother at 12, she had a hard damn life, never could depend on anyone her dad having to much pride to admit he let this beautiful child down.  I dated her dad for a few months, I choose her when the time came to leave she has been my daughter since.

She sent me a text at like 6 am just to tell me her jeans aren't fitting bc of her weight gain from birth control.  Just to vent, I got up and got dressed while I called her told her to get ready I was coming to get her to buy some pants.  She cried, she still isn't used to having someone be there for her and take care of her.  It pisses me off so much that something so small means so much to her bc that is our jobs as parents.  I had to fight her to let me do it, she knows I am struggling with losing my job, car, and house.  She didn't want me to spend my money, she does that every time she needs something.  If she just mentions it I will go do what I can, that is what you do for your kids period. 

This little girl works two jobs, she was out of work for a week when she fell and hurt her back.  I brought her to the hospital then back to my house and put her in my bed with me.  I kept her there until she was okay to go home.  She lost pay from both jobs, she's struggling but will not ask me for anything.  When I noticed she didn't have food I got it for her.  These things are something she doesn't expect nor does she ask for.  She will go without it before she asks for help, but lately, we have been making progress on that front.  She let me buy her some clothes today, gave her money to get her ID, brought her to eat.  She will accept things somewhat without a fight but won't ask, at least she's telling me she is having issues now. 

See I am the mom to the unwanted kids, while I have helped a lot of them I have taken in two as my own. I wanted a house full but that decision was taken from me, this was my way of filling that emptyness.  So I spent the day with my daughter, talked to my son and it was a very happy day for me!

Today has been hard, someone I care very much about is dying.

I was running around trying to get things done in a hurry.  Everyone in my family has immune issues so I try to do the running around so nobody gets sick.  My daughter and her b/f already had covid so we are being extra diligent in how we approach this virus so they don't get sick.  

Not many people know that I am legally married, for medical purposes only.  We do not have a romantic relationship, it has never been apart of during our marriage.  He found out he had six month to live 6 years ago without a stem cell transplant.  We had previously dated for 10 yrs, this wasn't something I was going to let him face on his own.  During the next five year, I stayed by his side, took care of him, took care of his business, and made medical decisions for him.  He had problems afterwards so I had to go to court and declare him not able to make his own decisions.  See people were trying to get money from him in this state.  It was really sad no one wanted to help him just his bank account.  

Even now I help out still but he has his life and I have mine.  Today, was rough he let me know that it has come back as well as he is refusing treatment.  I don't know how to process that or how to even comfort him with my emotions so raw.  Absolutely is his decision, but why am I am relieved that I don't have to make that decision to drop my life to save his again.  I honestly do not think I could do it again.  My feelings on this is all over the place, I find myself just staring into space tonight.  

I am starting to get fed up with this issue.  When you reach out to someone just bc it says they are online does not mean you automatically deserve a response immediately!

I was out running errands today, my account showed I was still logged in.  However, I was not answering any new messages.  Not having the time to really pay attention to what is being written nor the time to form a proper response I just simply left them for when I could give each message the proper time and attention.  Well, that apparently is a big deal to some people, I received messages full of these people letting me know apparently my own thoughts before I did.  Not to mention telling me how disrespectful I was towards the sender simply bc I did not answer.   Not only that but how it was rude not to have responded within an hour, bc it showed me online.  

Let me be clear, I do not owe anyone anything.  Just bc you send someone a message does not entitle you to a response.    It is also up to them when or if they respond at all.  You do not know what is going on with that person.  It is my choice to communicate or not, that message does not require me to do a damn thing.  Do not come at me bc you did not get a response in whatever timeframe you decided was acceptable.  I have had about enough of this honestly.  

This was such a recurring theme today.  

Since I wrote my last post I have received a lot of messages saying to be strong, to pick my head up etc.  While I appreciate those messages along with the encouragement, I  still needed to get those feelings out so that  I can process them. 

I spent too many years being numb,  I have been working hard to make sure I never go back to that state.  Already in the process of making changes, pushing through to come out on the other end of this hot mess.  I know what needs to be done, taking those steps every day to change the outcome to something positive.

Every situation is a learning experience, if you didn't have pain you would never grow as a person.  God knows I have had enough of pain, growth, and strength.  So I am just taking it one day at a time, processing those feelings, accepting that it is okay to feel like that but not okay to stay wallowing in them.  You have to move on, that is what I am doing.

Every day it is a little better, every day I smile a little more, move forward always moving forward!

Since around August, I have had nothing but lows, quite frankly I am just tired of it all.  My faith in people has taken a huge hit lately.  I am just ready to be done with all of the hits that just keep on coming.  Due to a bunch of things hitting back to back I had to take a break from the lifestyle.  My old play partner told me today I needed to seriously start looking for a Dom bc I needed one.  I happen to agree, what I am unsure of is if I can have faith in people anymore.