I’ve recently been reading this series by one of my favorite authors that is about BDSM. The series is called The Connaghers by Joely Sue Burkhart. The first book is called Letters to an English Professor. By now I’m in the 5th book and there’s 6 in total 🥰 I’ve loved all the books so far. If anyone reads them and likes the writing style she also writes a reverse harem series I’d recommend.
And some music cuz why not
Have you ever had someone leave you and come back later? I’ve had so many guys do that. They decide to breakup because of whatever reason or I break up with them and the majority of them come back after some time! It’s so weird that you are minding your own business and suddenly get a message from your ex saying “hey can we get back?” so for a while you wonder if you want to but at least for me I decide against it. You usually breakup over the same damn thing. Recently a sub I was considering finally read the messages I sent him over two months ago! I shuddered when I saw it since that usually means that they thought of me and might be contemplating coming back. And honestly with me that’s not always good. I normally take the high road and say no but I have wanted to take revenge sometimes and take them back. I’d be very excited if that sub decided to come back. I want to make him run in circles and beg for my time. It would bring me so much pleasure to crush him. I’ve never said I’m a nice person. I’m truly not. I try to be but I have a lot of darkness in me I struggle to contain.
At first I feel like
I accept the situation and tell it goodbye
but at the same time I feel like this
and wish for things to go back to how they used to be.
and I bet some people will be telling me this
So I’ll then start feeling melancholic and will cry along to this song
and eventually with time this will be me
I recently had to say goodbye to a sub who meant a lot to me and I envisioned a future with. I keep wanting to message him and talk like I normally did. But part of moving on is cutting contact with him completely. I’ve erased everything that reminds me of him. Messages and pictures. I found a small amount of solace by writing. I’ve been keeping a bit of a diary on the notes on my phone. Everything I felt unsure about or ever questioned has been written there. Every time I miss him and would like to talk I also write it there. Having other subs has also helped and I’ve been spending more time with them in order to forget. But as someone who has so many thoughts in my head and gets easily lost in the worlds in my head, writing has been a balm to my heart. I’m still able to say what I want but not to him. Never again. He made decisions in life that wouldn’t let him pursue something with me and he will not let those things go. I have to face and accept it like I should have since the start. So until the day I forget, until the day I stop missing him, until the day it doesn’t hurt I’ll keep writing in my little “diary”.
Sometimes it’s hard to say goodbye to the people you cared for. And there’s times it feels like you are making the worst decision ever. I pushed my resistance to say goodbye and while it hurts i found some solace in writing. I wrote my true feelings somewhere no one will ever read. I expressed my sadness and my dreams of what I had hoped for. And how it all fell through. Writing my feelings down allowed me to move on and keep going. While part of me wants to show this person what he meant to me I won’t. There’s no point. Only I will ever see these words. And every time I want to go back to chase I will read these words and remember it’s over. Goodbye illusion, goodbye dream. This chapter is now over.
For some time now I’ve embarked on this journey of self loving and also dealing with depression. I got a physiologist and started discussing my issues. During this time I refrained from relationships and was only with my friends. I took this time to think of what was good and bad about myself.
I started first with that plagued me for years. My looks. For years I had people just telling me “you are so hot and I want to be with you” and I enjoyed that attention but after a while I started noticing they only really cared about my looks and not about me as a person which caused me in a way to feel quite insecure. Even when constantly hearing how attractive I am i wouldn’t believe it since I found myself to be normal. After all, I look at myself every day and you get used to what you see everyday and I took my looks for granted. They were just there and it wasn’t a big deal. I would only look at the bad, how I wished my lips were thicker, my breasts bigger, my waist smaller and my hips wider. During this time someone told me “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” which I didn’t understand at the time since I was only 17 then. But it got me thinking and every day I’d look in the mirror at what people saw in me. By doing this I started seeing everything that was good and I must say that all the “bad” I saw is now perfect. I love my small lips, my regular sized breasts, my waist that keeps getting bigger because of all the desserts I eat and also makes my hips wider. I now spend hours and hours just staring at myself on the mirror and I love what I see 🥰🥰 yes, I could afford going to the gym and getting more toned but I hate the gym with a passion so I tell myself to stop bitching about it. I’ve found that if there’s something you don’t like but won’t change at all then you should embrace it and love it because a part of you actually enjoys it deep inside.
the next thing I worked on was my attitude towards myself and life. Having depression for so many years wasn’t good for my school and work life. I would tell myself bad grades were fine and to not sweat it out but it’s not good. I should strive for better. I should strive for A’s and not a “C’s get degrees”. I want to push myself for more because I know I can do it and I’m smart enough to get A’s. I’ve started to get better grades and focus more on my life and what I want from it. I try not to over analyze and take life a step at a time. I refuse to think of where I’m going to be in 2 years but where I’m going to be now, in the moment. Because life happens and things can change and I have no clue what will even happen in the next 5 hours. I’ve also changed my attitude on how I felt when people called my hobbies stupid. As an introvert I love being home and home is very much my happy place. I love spending hours just reading on my phone or grabbing a book off my bookshelves. Or just spend the whole day playing video games with my friends while we talk through discord. I also just love to take naps in the middle of the day with my cat. I’m doing what I love and being home doesn’t depress me as it does most people. I honestly despise being out because it’s too bright and sunny and hot, really hot. If the weather was more gloomy as if it was going to rain and I could smell the rain in the air then I’d love to go out in the balcony and smell the rain. There’s nothing like the smell of rain in the air or taking a nap during a thunderstorm 🥰. Although I am an introvert I can be an extrovert and I love to go to the club from time to time and dance and laugh. But I do find my preferences to be in quiet and peaceful places.
I feel I still have a lot more to work on to be the person that I want to be but I know I’m going in the right path as it is. And I recently learned of an area I was lacking in. Because of my love towards... well love, I can sometimes get very lost in the words my partner says and won’t always realize they are slipping away. My desire to hunt can sometimes also get in the middle and it takes a while to realize that the closer I get to my prey the farther they slip from me. In a way acting like this is a way of not loving myself as I’m not considering I deserve better. I deserve someone who keeps their words, someone that runs from me but comes back so I can play for a while until I want to hunt them again and satisfy my more primal urges.
So for anyone reading this, love yourself because of you don’t no one will. You need to respect and love yourself in order to have someone genuinely love and respect you. And if you are in a relationship where your partner keeps running and making excuses... leave. They don’t care and there’s plenty of other people out there who will value you for who you are and will be more than happy to provide the happiness you deserve.
I had so many plans to go on vacation this year but covid cancelled them all. Since the start of the year I was thinking of getting time off during my birthday and see how things were by then. They still suck so I was going to stay home. But I have decided to say “screw it” and I’m not celebrating my birthday vacation! It’s honestly going amazing. The ocean is great and the days have been very sunny. Writing this blog as I go off to find a hammock to relax in for a few hours while smelling and feeling the ocean breeze. This vacation is starting to look like what I needed. So for anyone out there panicking about going on vacation because of this covid, I strongly advise to go off on vacation as it might be what you all just need. 
Recently I’ve had three songs in repeat in my head... and on my Spotify. I’ve listened to them so many times and I’m still loving them.
I can’t get over how beautiful and wholesome this video is and I love seeing BTS so happy in it 🥰
I simply love the lyrics to this song. And her vocals are simply breathtaking. I’ve also felt for a while now that there’s a song in me inspired by this one but I can’t seem to find the right words... I’ll keep listening till the words come to me.
I can’t get over how beautiful this song sounds. I just like closing my eyes and listen to the song. The lyrics are simply amazing nd the message in them is lovely. I feel another song inside me when I listen to this song but I’m so obsessed with the vocals here that it’s taking very long to focus on the words in my head 😬
I wake up with a start. A screamer stuck in my throat. A scream I’m trying to swallow right back. Because something is here. Something woke me up and I’m not sure what. But I can feel it. My arms are covered in goosebumps. I looked around my slightly light room thanks to a nightlight I keep on at night. I don’t see anything. There’s nothing here. But I can feel it. I know I’m not crazy. I frantically keep looking around and there’s still nothing for me to see. I decide to stand up and turn the light on in order to look better.
As I put both of my feet in the ground and stand up I feel a hand grab my ankle and that is when I scream. The hand starts pulling me under my bed while I try to kick and fight, frantically clawing at my bed and the ground.
“I’m not going back!” I scream back at the creature.
I refuse to go back to hell. I crawled out from it and forced myself to don on a human skin. I won’t go back to that boring place.
But I can’t break free. This creature is stronger than I am. Being human has made me weak. I’m not the demon I used to be. I’m filled with despair as I keep sinking to hell. Where I will remain for an eternity.
Sometimes life throws you curveballs you never excepted. Sometimes they end up being a good thing but normally they aren’t. You may at times find that someone or something that meant a lot to you stops meaning anything. There’s times where that makes you feel a bit empty but you stand back up and say “I AM the master of my own fate and I will NOT be brought down”. Sometimes you see the curveballs approaching yet you ignore them. I saw a curveball coming but when I asked about it, there was a lie behind it or, shall we say, an evasion of the truth. Every time life throws a curveball I go back to the one place that always helps. And that place is music. Music has always been everything for me. When I’ve been happy, sad, angry, in love, and any other emotion I can think of.
For those curveballs I’ve found this perfect song
Song also works amazing for working out. It gets your blood pumping. Ready to take on anyone and anything.