Highway to hell

There’s one excuse that truly annoys me to no end. This excuse is the so called “I’m busy”. I call bs on that. I’ve used this excuse and let me tell you, I did have time just don’t feel like talking to the person and didn’t want to hurt their fragile feelings or sometimes I simply forget to reply. I have in the past worked up to two jobs while also studying and had maybe about 4 hours every day to sleep and would still have time to talk to the people I care about. I have found that if you truly like someone and truly want to talk to them you will find time even if you have to take time from your sleep. You will find an excuse to go the bathroom at work and shoot a quick “hey how are you?” Text message. Or during lunch time you will call the person and talk for a while. If you happen to be close enough in location you can go to the person’s house when you have a few hours of free time or even asked them to come over and maybe spend the night at your place. So really don’t come to me with the being too busy bs. I can see bs from a mile away since I already probably used that excuse at some point. 

Now for some peaceful music after a rant 😊 because music makes life so much better.

The other day I was reading something and it got me thinking. The post I read said how we have two fears when we are born and while I completely forgot one I remember the other was the fear of falling. I find that completely interesting. Why would we fear falling? Shouldn’t we fear heights then? You can’t really fall if you aren’t in a high place. Then I started thinking of those moments when you are falling asleep and feel as if you are falling and you wake up immediately, scared and covered with a cold sweat. You look around and you are still in your room and in your bed and you aren’t truly falling. But it feels so damn real as if you really fell but to where? So it makes me think... some people have theories that we are angels and when we are born we fall to earth and it makes me wonder if there’s truth to it. What if we are truly all angels? What if the reason we fear falling is because we did fall and it hurt? But what if we were angels and we did something that kicked us out of heaven and earth is really hell? I know I’m not the only one who thinks this as I’ve asked people and they wonder the same but we won’t ever be able to truly know an answer to this. Maybe we will only know once we die and forget once we are born. I truly believe the world is a very mysterious world and I wish I could find the answers to those what ifs

this is the angel I would be ;)

I’ve been listening to a lot of old songs lately so here’s a few. 

I truly do enjoy sappy songs 😂

but then I hear this... 

and remember I like rock even more 😏

A few years back a movie called The fault in our stars came out. I wanted to see it but based on the trailer I knew it would be sad and I’m known to cry with sad movies. Instead I read the book and cried... the story is very beautiful but also sad. I won’t give spoilers but i want to say that’s it’s a very lovely story with love and hope but also loss. There’s a song for the movie I’ve been listening to a lot lately and honestly listening to the song while knowing what happens in the story makes you want to cry but also smile because the love they both shared was beautiful. So if anyone needs a sappy romantic movie that is also extremely realistic I’d recommend watching it and if anyone does.. tell me how hard you cried ;)

The other day I was listening to music and usually when I listen to music or watch musicals or I’m feeling about something very strongly I come up with songs. This is exactly what happened the other day. Since I didn’t feel like writing it down I simply sang it and recorded it. The song as of right now is unfinished. Just a jumble of thoughts and different lyrics and I mumbled a few times which might be hard to figure out what the hell I said. Now I have to put it into paper or in my case the phone notes. I recorded it with no chorus or anything like that. It’s just the lyrics of an idea. I’ve always felt writing lyrics isn’t easy as you have to sing it out loud and figure out if it sounds good or not and then come up with a good chorus! The chorus always stumps me. How are you supposed to find a good chorus that matches an entire song?! It’s very complicated but at the same time rather fun. I enjoy wracking my brains to put into words the idea or story that’s in my head and it’s also quite relaxing I should say ☺️

Some time ago I took the Briggs Myers personality test and honestly was not surprised by the result. I’m INTP. What this means is that I’m more prone to thinking instead of feeling. It doesn’t mean I don’t have emotions, I do and I have taught myself through the years to try and empathize more but it’s not always easy. My mind always tries to think rationally and analyze everything from different points of views. While this is perfect in a work environment it’s not always good for relationships. I always have to stress the fact that I will sometimes appear cold and maybe dense when it comes to a more emotional side. Its also not always easy for me to form a connection with someone. Since I like thinking more than feeling I always try to look for someone who is smart and keeps my mind engaged and I can have lengthy conversations with but I also look for someone I can fall deeply and madly in love with. The problem with love and me is that my emotions are extremely strong and aren’t always shared. When I truly care about someone I will do everything I can to make them happy, I’ll be willing to wait for them for as long as I have to if they need time, I’ll be there through the good and bad and guide them through it, I’ll protect them from anything and everything(even from themselves). This though can make me a bit intense and sometimes scary for many subs as I will be on them constantly to turn them into someone they are proud of and won’t bow to anyone except me of course. 

Now then, talking bout INTP. Although I’m an introvert it doesn’t mean I can’t be an extrovert. I do rather be home than outside but I do go out clubbing and will dance and have fun and be loud and wild. I also absolutely LOVE public speaking. Throughout my life I’ve gotten myself over the fear of performing or talking in public by join my school dance in 8th grade and chorus throughout my high school years. In all those occasion I looked at the audience straight in the eye and I had no fear or anxiousness. In college I offer myself up to be the speaker for any project there ever is and if it turns into an argument I will enjoy it even more. I love debating points across and seeing every subject and situation from different sides.

The N is for intuition and I probably lean more towards it than sensing. I like seeing the bigger picture and analyzing everything rationally. Every time someone tells me about a career they want to pursue I start thinking of every path they can take and how they can go about it and try and find what’s the highest that can be reached. Although I lean towards intuition I can also to an extent understand the sensing. I’m a realist and like looking at concrete facts and evidence. But I can take those facts and lead them to ideas and dreams depending on what the facts are. 

The T as I’ve mention is for thinking. As with everything I can also be a feeler but not much. I like analyzing things and seeing what’s fair or not which can be very white and black. My feeling side let’s me see what would be better but it’s not always as prominent in my mind. 

The last letter is P for perceiving. I don’t like the opposite of this. As a perceiver I strongly dislike deadlines and work better by winging things. I’ve probably spent my whole life improvising on the spot every single thing. I will always try to talk people out of a deadline as they can stress me out. I will sometimes follow deadlines and work in a structured setting but that makes me miserable. 

In general as INTP I spend most of my time in my head analyzing different situations and thoughts. A new thought that plagues me is.. if scientist get the go ahead to clone humans and people decide to clone themselves and marry themselves would it be considered a same sex marriage or simply being narcissistic? While it’s another person they are still you and have your same thoughts and emotions so in a way it’s being a narcissist but the clone could still be considered as an entity in itself and therefore same sex marriage. Truly a puzzling question for me that I’ve decided to categorize as both! And yes, I know it might seem weird that I think of this but that’s who I am and I essentially consider no topic taboo but as something to analyze and look at from different sides. 

1. Intelligence. I love talking about different subjects and I have a lot of random knowledge I enjoy talking about. I love it when the person I talk to talk about random knowledge specially history. I like knowing how certain civilizations worked and things of the sort. I also find intelligent people can see through my bs very fast and they keep me very challenged and mentally stimulated. 
2. Open mind. I believe I’m very open minded and I like seeing things from different points of view which can be unusual for some people. For instance, the pros and cons of abortion or some other controversial topics. I like discussing it in a way that it’s just logical speaking and no emotions involved in it. 
3. Tattoos. I think tattoos are extremely sexy and I personally have 3 and would love getting more. 
4. piercings. Like tattoos I find them sexy as hell and I also have a few mostly in my ears since my job won’t permit many others. 
5. Nice smile. I love a guy with a nice smile that lights up their face. I admit to sometimes be completely mesmerized by a pretty smile. 
6. Deep voice. I’ve mentioned before in my blogs that I have a bit of a voice fetish and my favorite voice is very deep and manly sounding. The type of voice that kind of rumbles. Sadly I’ve never met too many people with this type of voice. 
7. Accents. I love accents. Specially British and southern American accent. 
8. Languages. I enjoy talking to people that speak other languages and hearing what they sound like. 
9. Humor. I like people who are funny and crack jokes and like making others smile. I also greatly appreciate a dark sense of humor. 
10. Gamers. As someone who loves playing video games I like it when others play video games too and will spend a lot of time talking about video games. 
11. kpop. I might have a bit of an obsession with kpop and will spend a lot of time gushing over how well they dance and sing and how hot the guys are and how talented they are. 
12. Anime/manga. I enjoy anime and manga a lot. I spend a lot of time reading manga and watching the anime for them. I also enjoy speaking to other people about my anime and manga likes. 

13. Asian culture. Since a few years back I’ve started becoming very invested in asian culture and I find it completely fascinating. I love how they had ninjas and samurais and the way they would dress up in scientific times was so amazing. I also like how polite they can be and how much they value family. 
14. Greek mythology. I’m obsessed with this. I have so many books on my kindle about it. I spend a lot of time researching more about it and even want to go to Greece just to see the Greek Gods temples. I’m specially obsessed with Hades, Lord of the Underworld. 

Recently I’ve been thinking of what BDSM means and I’ve found everyone has a different notion of it. I don’t think anyone has a bad notion of it since I’m a firm believer that everyone is allowed to have their own opinion and outlook in life. As for me.. BDSM means control. I enjoy controlling situations a lot. I do know that in some parts my desire from BDSM started from very negative things. I started being interested in it from anger. I was angry at the world and men specifically. I was angry at how they only saw how I looked like and never cared about who I was inside. Even when they would think of me as a shallow bitch(I was very shallow in my teenager years) they wanted me because of my looks. So I got it in my mind to make the suffer. To whip them and tie them up and toy with them. They would be under my complete control without a means to escape. As I grew older and analyzed these emotions more I realized it was wrong. Why should I take my own issues out on someone completely innocent? At this point my outlook changed a bit. I wanted BDSM for the control. Something about having someone so much stronger than me physically bow down to me is a huge turn on. To only see me and look at me and think of me is amazing for my jealous and possessive side which I know is also an issue but I swear I can control it. Now my view is that a submissive is someone to love and cherish. I find them so completely soothing. I like fighting a lot so being around people that think like me (usually doms) it turns into a battlefield that I end winning but it ruins the relationship. Submissive on the other hand are more peaceful. They don’t want to really fight me and just want to talk and create a bond which I greatly appreciate. I enjoy talking to my subs and asking about their day and make them laugh and smile. As I’m currently very new to bdsm I tend to take a vanilla approach. I want my sub to be nice and comfortable with me before jumping to anything too advanced. I try to go at their pace and get feedback on what they want. I will push them on things that would be good for them and I won’t take no for an answer. But if it’s something they really don’t want to do I will never push. For me bdsm is about caring for each other and making the other person feel secure. I like showering my subs with compliments and make them feel secure in who they are as a person. I’m also not a fan of humiliation since I’m very about loving yourself and I feel by calling your sub a worthless slave it defeats this purpose?

i feel there’s no true way to describe BDSM. I take a more gentle approach that most people I’ve seen. I act more like a friend to my subs than their domme. When we are in a sexual scenario is when I will go domme but otherwise I’m not here to control their life. I will give them pointers like what looks better on them and that they should grow a backbone at times. For instance, yesterday my sissy mentioned buying panties and not knowing where to hide them so I told him he should hide them with his regular underwear. He proceeded to tell me that his roommate sometimes borrows his sock and shorts which are also with his underwear and that his roommate might see the panties. I was like “excuse me???” This is a behavior I wouldn’t permit. I’d tell my roommate to get his own damn things instead of grabbing mine. I don’t like people looking through my stuff and I sure as hell will never hide anything. If you look through my stuff and find something you don’t like you better not come crying to me about it cuz I’ll tell you to mind your own damn business. So I told him to either lock his bedroom door at all times or tell his roommate to get his own things. On situations like this I will control my sub since I think this is a stupid situation. Grow a backbone, fight back, you pay for your things and are allowed to do what YOU want and should have to hide your things. Part of me wishes he doesn’t follow my commands so I can punish him but I like to ignore the sadist in me and believe he will follow what I say. 
I also don’t restrict my subs from doing what they love. If they like video games I encourage them to play them with me. If they like music I’ll ask them to share them with me. If they like fishing I’ll encourage them to do it and have fun at it. If they want to spend the whole day hanging out with their friends I’ll encourage them too. Even when they like doing things I don’t enjoy I’ll try them out and see if it can become a bonding moment for us. I’m a firm believer in having a happy sub so I can be a happy domme 😊 I know I should maybe at times be stronger on my subs but I don’t see a point to. So far I like the approach I take and as I keep exploring bdsm and all it offers my way might change but not my core belief of treating my subs as a friend and being caring towards them like an older sister or a mom. 

This is something that keeps bothering me! I keep getting messages of subs looking for a domme but I clearly put on my profile that I’m not looking for a sub! And I’m only looking for friendship now!!! Even after I tell them this they proceed to tell me their kinks, dick size and how they would be as a sub. Excuse me? Is my profile information a joke to you? And even when I tell them to read the damn profile and get it through their thick skull that I’m ONLY looking for friendship they still keep insisting. So I end up ghosting them. If they can’t listen to something so simple how would they be a good sub? They would just spend all their time questioning every single thing I do or say.