My Journey in a New World

When it comes to submission, I am a mere novice at best. I'll admit that. It takes a great amount of strength to give every ounce of power to another person. I've done it before. Let someone in so deep. I felt safe and secure. I also experienced pain and trauma at the hands of the person I let in. 

It changed me. I have walls up now, fear. I'm scared to let someone that close just to be hurt again. But I wake up every day and I try. A little here and a little there. When it feels natural to try. Safe to try. I desire to submit. It's a part of me. As much as my brown eyes are a part of me. I crave it with every bone in my body. 

But I will not be pressured, guilted, or manipulated into submitting to someone before I'm ready. Before I know that person has earned my submission. If that doesn't work for you....well. 

When I sit down at a new restaurant, I always look at the menu. And I take my time doing it too. Trying new things is both an excitement and a challenge for me. I'm very picky about the things I eat. I have a lot of ingredients that I enjoy and, if I see options with those ingredients transformed in a way I have never tried then I am more likely to pick that dish. If that dish happens to have an ingredient I've never tried, I'm more likely to try it over a dish with more ingredients I haven't tried. I like to carefully think about my meal choices before I commit to one. 

If I have recently tried a new restaurant, and the experience didn't go well, I am increasingly cautious at the next one. A dish really has to catch my attention and make me feel adventurous. The wait staff can give me their opinions on the best dish, the house favorites, and the specials for the day but at the end, I decide. 

Some dishes sound fabulous as a concept but then I start asking questions. How is the steak prepared? Do you steam the broccoli? What herbs are in the herb butter? A buffet is a bit more challenging. So many variables. So many questions. 

I believe the best meal has everything you're comfortable with and enjoy eating with a side of something new or unexpected. The preparation and ingredients are crucial. Not enough salt, too much spice, not cooked long enough. All of it can change how you see that dish. It can change your expectations should you decide to come back to the table. 

I have been away from the table for a while and I'm ready to try a new restaurant. However, I'm still reading the menu and I'm waiting for something to catch my eye. 

Wow. It has been a long time since I was on here last. A lot has changed. 

Um, first? I'm not in my dynamic anymore. My Dom broke my trust. In him. In us. 

I feel lost, in a sense. He was the first person I ever gave my body to and now it's like I'm driving blind on a foggy night. Like my sense of direction is gone. I keep asking myself what to do but I've never experienced such an absence before. 

Maybe with time it will get better? 

I'm taking some time to slowly get back out there. I'm in a new state, don't really know anyone. Just trying to find a way to live my life for me for once. 

I'll try and update more frequently. 

Wow, it has been a little over ten months since I last wrote something on here! A lot has changed since then.

I just finished my junior year of college and have gained experience in my field of study. I have spent the past ten months wrapped so wrapped up in school that I haven't had much time to reconnect with myself. I'll be honest, during that time, I have noticed something was missing. 

My partner and I originally started of in a D/s dynamic but with work and school, those roles have been completely relaxed and only interacted with occasionally. We are currently separated by location and have been for quite a while. It is incredibly hard for me. I am a anxious person when I am alone for long periods of time and, of course, Covid doesn't help in the least. 

I'll be honest, I have very little physical experience in my Submissive role but the experience I do have has taught me one thing. I crave it. I have been putting it aside for a while now but I want it. I want the peace, the silence, that comes from kneeling before my Dom. Focusing on his needs and doing my best to please him. 

I have ADHD and it is not easy to quiet all the thoughts in my head or my constant need to control myself and my surroundings. I live my life with rigorous scheduling. My activities, thoughts, and behaviors are planned and monitored every second of every day. I have tried medication to help with it but each medication caused serious medical scares, so I have to regulate it in other ways. With scheduling and monitoring. It is hard to explain but having someone I trust step in and take the control from me, to put me in the position to really let go? It is bliss. That loss of control quiets my mind in ways that I can't. I miss that peace and I want it back. 

07/04/2020 *

Today has been non-stop since my feet hit the ground! It is Saturday and that is when I usually have the time to clean. So what did I do all day? Clean! My bathroom, bedroom, living room, kitchen. Did laundry, folded AND put it away, and did all the dishes. I even made dinner! Homemade hamburger helper. 

Sir was with me throughout the whole day (as much as one can be over the phone). We did a lot of new things today. We took a shower together and we both pleasured each other. However, it was more than that. It was intimate and made me feel pampered. He had me recite the poem I made for him and we both came by the end of it. We almost did penetration for the first time but I wasn’t quite ready. My body wanted him inside me but my mind didn’t. I want our first time...my true first time… to be special. Symbolic. He respected that decision and I couldn’t feel more cherished. 

I found out that he likes to help me fold the laundry. It is a bonding moment for him. It was very sweet. Throughout my cleaning, Sir wanted me to make a list of rewards and punishments to give him an idea of what I liked and didn’t like. Then during dinner, he gave me some suggestions to improve the meal next time. Shredded cheddar cheese. My grandmother agreed and I have decided to use that next time. 

Today also had some deep moments. Today is the 4th of July. When I was younger, this used to be one of my favorite holidays because my whole family would get together. My grandfather would spend hundreds on fireworks and put on a grand show for us. He and I were very close back then. He would always be home for the holidays. However, as the years went on he started missing them. Then when I moved up north, he stopped showing up entirely. This holiday doesn’t mean what it used to anymore. Now I prefer to spend it alone, at home, in silence. Don’t get me wrong, the fireworks are pretty but now I just hate the sounds. So, tonight, Sir offered to cuddle with me while listening to music instead of celebrating. My dog doesn’t like them either and stayed by my side for two hours while I was cleaning. When I told Sir, oh my, he did the sweetest thing! He said, to my dog, that he knew I didn’t like the fireworks either and both of them would protect me! I practically melted!

Sir bought me not one, but TWO gifts today!! He bought me the prettiest collar. He said he thought it was made just for me. It is black leather with a wolf pendant on the front and a belt buckle on the back to adjust for size. I love it! He also bought me my first ever set of lingerie. Black lace is my favorite. They should be here next week along with my first ever toy. I’m quite excited. He left me an allowance of ten dollars to buy something else with. I was thinking of either a new book or a new stuffed animal. Not sure yet. 

Tomorrow, I get a break day. For us, break days will allow us to be us and not Dom/sub. I believe break days are very important. Especially for me. I have ADHD and sometimes can get in what I call “crash moods”. I spend every hour of every day going and going and going and then, usually on the weekends, I crash and want silence, space, and food. That’s about it. We established that on break days, I could ask for companionship if I wanted it, and if I did not then he would check in every few hours. Tomorrow, I am going to go to church. I don’t usually get the urge to go but something in me says I need to be there tomorrow. In all honesty? I am having a rough time coping with the loss of my best friend. We had a sermon at church a few weeks back about letting people go. There was a passage where the son told his father that he wanted his inheritance and his land and wanted to leave. Instead of challenging his son, the father let him go. Every day, he watched the road and prayed for his son’s health but he never went after him. Then, one day, the prodigal son returned and the father welcomed him with open arms. What about the ones that don’t return? What do we do then? How do we go on? Perhaps my pastor can enlighten me. Perhaps there is something I am meant to hear tomorrow. We shall see. 

I also found the gift I had made for the friend I lost. Of course, I find it after we are no longer friends. I have decided to send it out on Monday with a letter. I had it made for him so I am not going to keep it but it will be a small bit of peace for me. To know that I gave it to him and that he might wear it even though we didn’t work out. I will miss him but this is for the best now. 

She hunts for her pride, shouldering the responsibility of so many mouths to feed. 

She never stops. Not when it rains and not when it is sunny. Day and night. 

Only when the pride is gone, does she rest. Does she breathe. But a lioness alone is dangerous.

When she is under attack, outnumbered and scared. Her scars show that she has fought before. 

She will fight. She will win. She has to. 

Then her enemies cower in fear. For she is no longer alone. He is there. 

Behind her, he remains her shelter. Her solace. Her protector. She no longer has to fight.

His roar is mighty and scares away her enemies but he only purrs for her. 

He would never hurt her. 

In Him, she finds peace and can lay among the stars without fear. He is watching over her. 

Always.

The past three days have had ups and downs that I never would have expected. Friday, I found my first true Dom. We have been friends for a while and during our conversations, I thought the roles would be reversed. However, he is a switch and decided to be Dom just for me. It completely changed our dynamic and I wasn't expecting it at all...but what a pleasant surprise it was. 

He is currently out of the country because of the virus going on but he should be back in a month! The things we have talked about so far make me all the more curious and excited about his return. While I am horribly new and uneducated about a lot of things sexually, I trust that he will teach me and not judge me based on my inexperience. He has decided that I will keep an online journal for him to view and figured I could use it in my blog here as well, in case anyone else would like to read it. :) 

07/02/2020 *

Today started off as a really bad day. I lost a friend today, there are just some things I can’t condone. Sir was with me through it all. He let me cry, held me, distracted me, and comforted me. It was nice to be held for once. 

We added safe words today. Red is stop and Yellow is slow down. In the heat of the moment, they can be simple yet effective. 

Sir instructed me to pick three activities that I would like to research and practice based on my interest level. Out of the level 5 category, I would like to research animal/pet roles. A leash and collar seem really interesting for me and a major turn on. My level 4 category would be lingerie. I would love to find out what different kinds there are and what my Sir would prefer to see me in. My level 3 category would be asphyxiation. I love the thought of his hand on my neck and it would be wise to know the safe way to do breath play and what to look out for as warning signs.

We researched and practiced the proper way to do breath play and established the difference between sexual and abusive breath play. We also included a safe action if it gets to be too much in playtime, tapping his leg twice. We practiced the action for short intervals, getting me acclimated to the sensation. Then we researched different kinds of lingerie, figuring out what I liked and why I liked them. 

Now, for my readers:

I had a small hiccup last night. We discussed orgasm control and I used "Yellow". I was super nervous that I would fail at it. Are there any ways to practice on my own to get better at it? I would love to be able to surprise him with the progress. 

You know that feeling when you see something that just makes your stomach drop? When you are excited about something and then see that it isn't going to happen? I hate that feeling. 

I was starting to really look forward to talking to him. I was hoping to start off on a new path with him. My first "true" experience that I've been looking for since joining this community. I went to message him good morning only to find...his account no longer exists. 

That shit kinda hurt. I don't know if something happened, if it was an accident, or if it was intentional but...I miss him. I liked how inviting he was and how he would answer all my questions. How he would give me advice or tips. Most of all, I liked how he would ask about me too. It wasn't just about what BDSM was to us or what we enjoyed when it came to kinks. True, it is nice to discuss those things but I am looking for more than just playtime. I am looking for a potential partner that I can spend the rest of my life with. With everything being so new, I don't want to be jumping from one to the next. 

I get emotionally attached very quickly and when I do, it gets intense. Waking up one morning to find they are suddenly gone...I've been there before way too many times in my life. 

It hurts every time. 

I wanted to start my first blog off on a better note. However, as a new member of the community, I want to assure I am being treated with respect.

If you message me, I will respond. I don't like to leave people hanging. If you wish to talk about potential D/s relationships, that is fine.

HOWEVER.

If I tell you I can't do a play session, don't try to push the issue with me. If I want to play, I will. I have things going on in my life currently that don't give me the freedom to play on a whim. Respect that.

I understand that some who message me need to see what potential I bring to a D/s relationship but if I say no, I mean no.

Maybe my next blog will be better.