Who’s here seeking dom/sub relations (online) that they’re hiding/can’t have at home?

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Dec 14, 2018

I would argue that telling someone to stop hurting themselves or others /is/ helpful. I don't feel like you have to be an enabler to be helpful.

So you know, i wasn't going to edit anything out, i realized what i had done /after/ i made my latest post and wanted to avoid double posting.

The thing is, i don't believe Canadian is an underdog anymore than the subject of an intervention is the underdog. He is hurting a victim. He is wrong. To be told he is doing something wrong is /healthy/. He was not being ganged up on as everyone was (as far as i could tell) being very self-controlled and adult.

If you /do/ want to discuss "abuser" i stand by that. He is being emotionally abusive. His actions are non-consentual and creating a victim. His actions will accumulate damage over time until it all hits at once and causes who knows how much damage and to how many people? It is willful and knowingly victimising everyone involved. That is what an abuser is, that is what an abuser does.

So yes, i still think you are 100% wrong for defending someone who is being /told/ they are wrong for victimising their family. If he was being called names back and forth and belittled with no constructive purpose, i would have been on your side. However, that wasn't happening.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Dec 14, 2018

@Wolfy... I see your point, but those facts just aren't in evidence yet, and from what Canadian has said, his motivation is out of concern for his wife and he has tried to communicate.

By escalating the terminology and judgement to absolutes and abuse/victim stuff, then arguing with CSC, you've derailed what was an adult and nuanced discussion about the overall effects of this behavior and turned it into black and white judgement.

That's not helpful and seems to come from a place of emotion and anger, not calm debate.

Bunnie • Dec 14, 2018

Sorry for the slow response, I wanted to give these questions some thought...
I agree, good questions @ Fud...

“I'd like to touch on the idea that online communication is a safer substitute for a physical affair..

Is it?”

I agree with dd... safer in the sense of physically contracting sti’s or pregnancy, yes.
Safer in the sense of not getting caught? No. My first experience here was with a married man. I was no victim... I knew he was married... I asked him to teach me... we thought we had it under control, as friends... we didn’t. See, many assume that my “judgements” come from being judgey... actually... all of my opinions and advice comes from experience... otherwise I don’t speak on a subject if I’ve nothing to contribute. So... his wife found out. It was heartbreaking. She was so amazing. She deserved none of what we had done to her. Three people walked away damaged (if their kids didn’t know). I learned from my mistakes, and promised I would never do that to someone again. I didn’t withhold this to portray myself as “holier than thou”... I withheld it to not make this op about me. However, I guess if you’re sharing an opinion, then it becomes about you too.

So... in my opinion... it may be slightly physically safe in some ways... it’s certainly not bulletproof... and it’s certainly not emotionally or mentally safer.


“Is emotional infidelity worse, same or better than a physical hookup?”

I think they’re the same, but in different ways...
For me, it takes time to build an emotional connection with someone. And it’s an ongoing choice each moment to keep chatting with them. I can pinpoint the exact moment I’ve (consciously/subconsciously) taken an interest in them by the questions I have a desire to ask them. It’s a process, which is a choice to walk away from at any time.
Physically... even though it’s just a hookup... likely without as much emotion attached... there’s still the obvious act of physical betrayal.

I think what is often overlooked is the time and effort that is put into cheating on a partner. That in my opinion, is what makes it a betrayal. It’s very very pre-meditated... even if it’s purely a physical hookup... a time and place needs to be communicated etc etc. Someone finding themselves on this site has thought about this a lot before they’ve come to the point of joining. Once they’ve joined... the decision has been made. It is a conscious choice... an active decision.


“What do folks consider "cheating" and what is ok?”

It’s pretty simple for me... it’s always about consent. If everyone knows and agrees... anything goes.

As @ nawazakana said in her post previously... “cheating is anything done with another person that would hurt your significant other if they found out about it.” I agree.

Canadian​(dom male) • Dec 14, 2018

Well now, certainly a lot of input on this topic.

For those that agree or somewhat thank you! For those that think I’m wrong thank you for your input!

I don’t less of anyone here for which ever direction they see.

I simply posted a question and have no issue with being upfront about it.

I’ve tried to be up front and my wife knows I want more but has no interest. We’ve had many conversations about it which has gone nowhere.

As for cheating out right with someone IRL, NO won’t happen.

Thank you again for everyone that cares to voice their opinion!

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Dec 15, 2018

Cheating is absolutely abuse. Not physical, but emotional. And Wolfy was not arguing, but simply trying to discuss. He had not derailed anything.

The problem with cheating, which is what is being done here in trying to find someone other than his wife without her permission to care for his needs, is, as Wolfy has said, it is not victimless.

It doesn't matter if the other partner was a piece of crap, didnt listen, was mean beforehand, any excuse I can be given. There is no reason to cheat.

Cheating does nothing but destroy lives.

I'm currently trying to help keep my best friend's mental sanity together because her fiancee cheated on her. Just once, but he ended up tearing himself apart about it and then was so unwilling to listen to her when she said she forgave him that they are now separated and she is blaming herself for EVERYTHING when she did NOTHING wrong. All she did was love him. And out of selfishness he /planned/ to meet up and sleep with someone, for practically no reason as he admitted later on. And on top of it instead of coming to her to tell her about it, try to fix it, he tried to hide it. She had to find out through other means. He was going to marry her with this lie.

My family was destroyed when I was 9 years old because instead of talking to my father who had nothing but love in his heart for my mother and trying to work on their problems, she decided to cheat and then start an affair on my father. It destroyed him and gave him such trouble with trusting that the poor man is still alone even after trying to date a few times but being unable to properly believe that he wouldn't be hurt again. She mentally fucked me over by including me in her lies (which in turn tried to take me away from my father, despite nothing she said being true) to try and cover up her infidelity. She was so desperate to prove she was innocent that she dragged her child into it. Faked mental illness and gave me nightmares over these made-up episodes she performed to try and plead that she wasn't all there when everything came out. Because of how deep her lies went, when I started dating Wolfy, I was constantly mistrusting of him, especially because we started off as long-distance and interactions were purely through Skype and texting, and /I/ had not ever been cheated on - I simply was another victim of the lies and abuse and had my own trust issues develop from it from the age of 9. I constantly worried he would do things like the original post here explains, especially as this was my first relationship so I had no experience. Luckily my husband is incredibly sweet and supportive and has helped me grow and mature and understand how love actually works. Because of him I dont have to fear infidelity. But that doesn't mean its okay.

What the OP is saying he is doing in his post, is cheating. What we are trying to tell him is that it is NOT worth it, because of our experiences, and because of logic. And these arent my only experiences with cheating, either. Just the ones that ended up having a serious effect on me and therefore are the best examples to help show that we're not just making stuff up.

Cheating doesn't help. It only creates pain.

Talking is the solution for him and if his wife refuses to compromise then they need to decide if their current life is truly right for them. Finding someone outside of his marriage without her concent will not do anyone any good. Online cheating is still cheating. There is no difference in the severity of the situation.

Bianca15​(switch female) • Dec 15, 2018

Honestly, I don't know why I'm bothering, because you won't even attempt to see things from any other point of view but your own. But you seem to have this idea that the people who don't necessarily agree with you have never experienced this, and just don't understand.

YOU don't get to decide what other people consider cheating, or for that matter abuse, within THEIR relationship. For the record, this actually happened to me. While I didn't love it, I didn't consider it to be cheating either at the time, or now. I certainly didn't and don't consider it to be abuse. If you do, for YOUR relationship, that's fine, as long as you and your husband have discussed it (and it seems you have). But not everyone has to see things exactly the way you do. And you have no right to tell ME how to feel about something that happened to ME.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Dec 15, 2018

I think that this is a very controversial topic and a lot of the points made here are biased due to personal experience. Not every experience is the same as yours and so your opinion is just that .. Therefore, I think we should try not to judge others based on their own morals, values and opinions - as these have probably been formed from very different experiences.

I am single and have never been in the position where I have been tempted to cheat on a partner. For that reason, it’s hard for me to say what I would do in that situation. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t cheat and that communication is key in discussing needs/desires with someone you’re involved with. I also wouldn’t intentionally get involved with someone who is hiding it from their spouse, because I wouldn’t want to be the cause for anyone’s emotional suffering. I personally don’t believe in cheating or going behind your partners back but I try not to judge others, as I know that there are a million different scenarios and situations that can influence or tempt a person into contemplating that step. For example, I think its completely different if someone is unhappy in a partnership but remaining for the sake of young kids, than it is for someone cheating just because they feel they can get away with having their cake and eating it. There are also other factors to take into consideration like abuse, personality (eg are they strong enough to walk away from unhealthy relationships) etc etc.

As mentioned earlier, maybe ask yourself how much you need this addition and whether you are happy with your current partner. IF you are willing to risk losing your relationship for the sake of cheating, which may happen if you’re caught, then go for it. If you’re not than maybe discussing these wants with your current partner will give you the best chance at keeping that relationship happy and healthy. It’s not the easiest option, but certainly the best one. A person is less likely to leave you for being honest than they are for cheating. But that’s just my opinion.

Oh! I also think cheating can be both emotional and psychical! Both of these can jeorodise your current relationship. I think if you are confused as to what is and isn’t cheating then spin it around and ask yourself whether you would consider it as such if your partner was doing it behind your back.

Hisproclivity​(sub female) • Dec 15, 2018

Wow amazing topic and amazing feedback!

I had a similar situation as the beautiful DD. Women and men are different. I feel like women in/having emotional affairs are more serious than physical. When you are emotionally checked out... Game over.

Canadian just ask yourself this--- What you want to do "online only," would you consider your wife cheating if she did the same?

Great topic.. MANY of us are separated /divorced. Good luck... What you are about to embark on is a slippery slope---an amazing, fun one but still ?

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Dec 15, 2018

This:


“Sometimes who we are has to take precedence over who we are with.”

[/quote]

? ?

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Dec 15, 2018

This:


“Sometimes who we are has to take precedence over who we are with.”

[/quote]

? ?