A Struggling Dom

A Struggling Dom

Dom Con​(dom male) • Jan 7, 2019

Good Evening All,

Firstly Thank you for taking the time to read this Post, it is greatly appreciated.

So the reason for this post is, I am at a loss as a Dom, and have been for a while...

I have a been a Dom for roughly 8 years, during this time I have had the immense pleasure of having 5 previous subs and D/s relationships, each sub and relationship holds a special place with me, and fond memories, I will treasure forever...

And that brings me back to the now, I have been without a sub for almost 2 years due to family and life in general (new baby and career for anyone's interest) now I am currently struggling to find a sub and not only a sub in that but a muse, and have been for a while...

I am at a loss as I feel, rightly or wrongly depending on your personal view that my age is a contributing factor with this, I feel I am given less respect and acknowledgement from not only subs but also fellow Doms...

To all the subs out their of all types, ages, walks of life, colors and creeds does age matter too you...do you value a maturer Dom over a younger one ?
Does a younger Dom fill you with anxiety and suspense that they are only interested in 'getting their leg over' ?
These are questions that haunt me constantly and are effecting my confidence and general processing.

To my fellow Doms, well does that statement even ring true with older Doms, do you judge me from my age and perceived 'lack of experience' ?
Am I a lesser Dom in your eyes ?
Do you see me or others like me as children playing dress-up in their father's clothes, pretending to be something we are not ?

I have known and acknowledged who I am as a person in this community and it is a Dom, I have experienced such moments of bliss and release in being a Dom, I simply cannot fathom other ways of being.
Being a Dom is who I am, yet I feel I constantly have to 'prove' myself in the eyes of others...
So tell me if we spoke, would you respect me as a equal, fellow Doms or look down your nose at me with contempt ?
Would you the potential Sub, see me as a true and proper Dom or a clown performing an act ?

I love this community, with a passion equal to a relationship, I cannot hide what I am, and refuse to be held in contempt due to my age, Judge me on my knowledge, my passion, my intentions, my drive and my lust but do not judge me by my age...
In my most beloved community, I am without a sub and a muse, such as a painter is without his brush or a composer without his instrument...
My conviction will drive me forward but with a community I have spent so much time with and energy on, in and with, I have come to a loss...

I do not expect this forum to grant me release or clarity rather, I want to hear your voices, my community's voice, voices from the Subs, the Doms, the Switches and everyone in-between, agree with me, argue with me, hate me, love me I do not care which but do not ignore me...I want to hear everything and all you have to say...

On that final note I once again thank you for taking your most precious of commodity, your time and giving it to me by reading this post,
I wish you all the very best and the best kinky fun you can have ...

Sincerely,
Dom Con

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 7, 2019

The only person you need to prove how "dom~ly" you are to, is your submissive. No one else really matters (in the general plan of life) as long as what you are doing is SSC (or at least RACK) and more importantly consensual.
As for age, its a number to me. I've met 70 year olds that behave like children and 20 somethings that have told me to grow up! Again your age is only reliant to those that it matters to.

if being the popular, well known Dom is important to you...then make yourself so! The community is open to those who want teach others or campaign for us to seen in a good light.

if your looking for subs, look in the right places, with realistic expectations and be open and honest with those around you. Enjoy the process of looking/dating/playing/trying. Sometimes Dom/mes or subs that are desperate for ownership, tend to focus to much on being alone and all another sees in them is "desperate" ..Desperate isn't an attractive or good trait. Just enjoy the company of others and be comfortable in your skin, the rest will follow if its meant to.

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Jan 7, 2019

Honestly, you would be a no to me because of your age. Many submissive women my age look for a man who would also fit into their vanilla life, which usually precludes an age gap. Maybe if I were 18, but not at 37.

Belladonna Dreams​(sub female){Phage'Hada} • Jan 8, 2019

Personally, i know i like someone older then me and because im newer i need someone with some experience. Seeing as how you have 8 years experience, i dont believe with be a problem for most. Beyond that im unsure.

Bunnie • Jan 8, 2019

Hi @ Dom Con, in all honesty... what stood out to me the most here, is 5 subs in 6 years. Something in that suggests to me that there is an instability within whatever you have happening in your dynamic. Before I get jumped on for judging... this is not a personal attack, as I don’t know you... I’m merely going by what I’ve read above. I point this out because sometimes we can be looking at one thing... and that’s entirely not the problem at all. I don’t think age matters tbh... you’ll always find someone with a preference that matches that of yours in regards to things like that. I’d be looking more at things like stability, consistency, availability... sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Are you being realistic about what you can have and offer at the moment? These are the areas I would suggest looking at. Hopefully that might help

Shannon Lee​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 8, 2019

Age is not a factor for me. Maturity, respect, emotional and financial stability, honesty, communication, knowledge, and consistency, ect is more important to me.
Being a Dom is a lot of responsibility.

sweet november​(sub female) • Jan 8, 2019

One of the best Doms i've met and most fun, was very young. But he was so natural at it and humble and eager to learn, yet strong and knew what he wanted and went from there.

I would never have given someone his age the time of day, but there was something about his presence his confidence, his ability to bring the good out that won me over at the time.

This was awhile ago. And you know what? We remained friends because respect was always there on both ends.

So I learned a lesson, age can certainly be just a number.

I've learned this with older Doms too.

Isn't it about who we are and how we connect and being true to oneself?

At least that is what i'm striving for.

However im much better at giving advice than taking it.
When you find your submissive, don't worry about what others think.
Surround yourself with those that support.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 8, 2019

I judge all the time.
What I let come out my mouth is a different matter.

I tend not to care about the age unless they say they are 22 with 10 years experience. Then I just move on.


I always go back to the eternally wise Leslie Jordan:

REPEAT AFTER ME

"What they think about me is none of my business".



Do you feel like a D type?
Do you feel like you are playing dress up?

If so work on those things.

But if not dont let others try and convince you that you are.




"WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS"

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Jan 8, 2019

I agree with MasterBear! This is your personal journey and it doesn’t matter what others think, as long as what you’re doing is consensual and done safely.

Everyone has a personal preference with age, just like with all physical traits. Some prefer older (which could still be you for those <26) and some prefer younger. Some love curves and some want athletic builds. Some prefer short and some tall etc etc.
Then there are those who care less about the physical traits and prefer to know the person, putting higher preferences on mental connections. You can’t please everyone, so try not to worry about those who think your age is a negative thing. That’s their intake and not the opinion of everyone.

I know you’re a great and genuine guy from the conversations we’ve had, and I know you take this lifestyle very seriously. In my view, I think the only reason you may be struggling to find a sub on cage is because:

1) There isn’t many from the UK on here, so unless you want an online or long distance relationship, it kinda limits your options.
2) From conversations I’ve had with subs on here, many want to combine a romantic relationship with D/s. If this isn’t something you are after, it again limits your appeal to those who do.
3) There seems to be a high number of subs who have no/little experience of BDSM and want to learn from someone with years and years of experience. This can only come from those older than yourself and so in this situation, they may exclude you based on age.

My advice would be to broaden your horizons and be patient. Like I said, you’re a great guy and I know the perfect sub/muse is out there for you! Good luck x

Domokie​(dom male) • Jan 8, 2019

I normally don't reply to posts but this has caught my attention.
I'm 28 I've been active for 10 years now and studying and learning far before that. So in a way I'm in your shoes dom con.
You can find subs the question is are they what your after? Are your expectations to high? Are you not looking in the right areas?
I can tell you from personal experince profiles play a big part. If your looking for a sub and say your in a committed relationship most will look you by as they assume your either after poly or or cheating. So my advice go change your profile about relationships to reflect the truth. If your in a committed relationship then you need to be clear on the profile if it's a open or if your cheating.
If your cheating it will be hard to find a sub due to most not being ok with it. If that's the case you need to sit down and decide what your next path is.
Now in my case age means little what matters to me is skill and ability. I ignore those who don't have the ability or skill they claim.
So take what I say with a grain of salt but take it to heart as well.