Help please

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Dec 12, 2020

You have to build things on communication and trust. I understand how he felt you were out of line. As dM said, references and background checks are pretty standard but I would never deign to do so without letting ty know first.

If things were so great then you should have been able to tell him of your plans. Since he obviously had nothing to hide I’m sure he would have been fine with it.

Re: Help please

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Dec 12, 2020

I would like to add some clarification to my earlier post. Timing is everything. And what kind of "background" check also makes a difference.

In my vanilla days I checked on someone, maybe 50% of the time, after the first "meet and greet over coffee" if there was chemistry and I would like to take it further. Sometimes all you need to do is google their name and a lot of information will pop up. Does that constitute a background check or just curious to learn more about that person?

No, you don't ask, "Are you a serial killer"? At some point, just normal conversation, what they do for a living, what they do for fun, if they are close to their family, what is their favorite book, etc., etc. should give you a pretty good picture of who they are. And obviously you need to trust your gut feel as well.

I said they same thing myself ("I love this man, I don't know where to find me".) when I was 15 and heart broken. Life goes on, there will be others. Be gentle with yourself.

DrKrall • Dec 13, 2020

I don't know what kind of background check you did, but I think you would be crazy to meet him without doing what you can to be safe.
I'm not always doing things the way one are supposed to in this "culture". I've had sex and BDSSM sessions on the first date with more or less every partner, I've met new people in my home or in theirs without bothering about public chemistry dates and things like that. BUT I have always done what I could to check the person up before I met them and most of the time I have given them the same opportunity to check me up. I have told them from the start what I have looked into and what I have found out. People worried about privacy when they are about to meet someone for possible bondage, whipping and such sounds very unrealistic to me.

I for one don't think you did anything wrong, and his reaction is way out of proportion.

MsDove​(sub female){Eternal Pi} • Dec 13, 2020

I did the check when I realized I was interested beyond the casual, I thought he might be too. Nothing had been stated yet. Way before any trust, certainly before any agreements. It allowed me not to wonder if he was real. I had one before that wasn't. Had I not gone in blindly on the first one, it would have never happened

I know now I should state this up front. Never occurred to me in this day and age it was a big deal. I had never even completed my profile when we met. If I continue, I will add it. I expect the same for me. I have nothing to hide.

MOslaveMaster​(dom male) • Dec 13, 2020

I really feel for you, it's a very tough thing for a sub to be cut off this way. When a sub gives herself over to a Dom, she has to trust in him completely. We don't live in a world that is safe. There are many predators out there. All subs should be completely aware of who they are with, you life is truly in their hands. Doms should understand and encourage a new sub to understand the depth that her submission means. I don't think a Dom should be offended by a sub checking on him, but there is trust to be earned from both sides. You should have talked to him about it first, if he had an issue with you doing it then, you would know that there is something to hide. We all have to learn from our experiences. You'll get through this and you will be stronger. A truly good Dom would understand your need to be sure of what you're getting into before you make the leap. Grow from your experience and don't let it keep you from being true to yourself.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Dec 13, 2020

You did nothing wrong in my opinion. You looked out for your own safety and your own curiosity. Good on you for having the forethought to do so. Your submissive not stupid. Your not a drone

I find it interesting he had nothing to hide, yet was worried enough to end things, about the fact you checked him out. To me that speaks volumes that isn't being said. If hes given you his full name or details, then what did he expect you to do with them? Go off blind trust?

To me it sounds like he panicked and used the situation to run! maybe he would of done the same thing on the next small thing. What didn't your check show? A partner maybe defacto often don't show unless married? cold feet? an over exaggerated interest the lifestyle that reality would of shone a VERY bright light on? did things get to real with closer to meeting?

You'll never know his reasons...but I think it was a massive over reaction that might just be a good thing and saved you a lot of FUTURE heartache. Ask yourself do you honestly want to be with some one that cannot talk things out? or that cannot accept that you care about yourself do those checks! If that is his REAL reason to let you go, then its not a very reasonable one. What would of been next?

j prince​(sadist male){J.Prince} • Dec 13, 2020

Truth be told it would've been proper to give him a heads up that you were looking in to him for posterity. However, that's in the past so no need to quivel over semantics (talking ab me not u jsyk). What you did was by no means wrong. The world us big, complex, and easily manipulated. There e dangerous and unsavory characters out there and it's important, downright vital, to prioritize one's safety. I struggle with a lot of mental illness. Things like PTSD and bipolar depression. So while I can't relate to your specific situation I know what freefall feels like. Plus the angst and panic conflicting with the "I know I'll be ok" mentality is a real bitch. For me personally when things like this happen it's the finality of it all that gets me. When you grow attached to something or someone, it becomes a part of your routine. And we humans are creatures built on routine. So when a piece is removed, in this case a vital piece, were left in a state. Suddenly a part of what made real life real us gone leaving a gaping hole into a seeming abyss in its place. We're lost without it. Some part of our mind may try to continue to believe it's still there, placate itself, and then conflict starts between that state of mind and reality.

Fact if the matter is, if he's so willing to give up so easily, after a single perceived offense, he has issues of his own to deal with. Being unwilling to try and fix any damaged trust he may have sustained shows a distinct lack of maturity. Real men don't do such things. Real men will do what they must to fix the situation, not run and hide at the first signs of discomfort like some kraven fool. You deserve better than that, truly you do. Good men are in shorter supply, but they in fact still exist.

If your not on the mood for an explanation as to his behaviour is suggest you skip this paragraph. As an emotional person i know that sometimes you just want to feel things and not necessarily logistically analyze them. So if your not ready for that yet that's ok just go to the next paragraph. Now, here we go. Way I see it, there are two distinct possibilities as to why he may have ended things. First and most likely, he overreacted to what is objectively a rather minor offense. He does have his right to privacy, and should have been notified before hand about your background check. However, being notified later on, especially when he has nothing to hide, should not call for such drastic measures. What he should have done was just inform you of how he felt about the matter, discuss it like rational adults, and be done with it. Simple. In this case it's a lack of maturity on his part. Second possibility, he was getting bored or dissatisfied with the relationship, and, rather than putting in time and effort like an adult, he simply waited for you to "screw up" so he could have an excuse to run away. I've had this done to me before. It's a complete and total dick move.

If you opted to skip the previous paragraph, start from here. So finally I just wanted to say that I do believe that you'll cone out of this, stronger and smarter. It's a journey you have to take yourself but you are anything but without support. This is a community of openness, and not in some cultish way or a stupid marketing gimmick to make you sign up for a year subscription for some stupid magazine. Being one of us is a hard thing to do and as such we all have each others backs. We support one another, through the good times and the bad. Come hell or high water were a community of freaks united against the world. Just know that there are a great deal of people here who care and believe in you. DM's open if you wanna conversate. Just promise this to yourself: dont become jaded, and don't lose hope. One opinion does not a fact make. Same goes for a flaky dom. There's someone out there. It's all about the journey.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 13, 2020

I'm so sorry. You are hurting so much right now- I know how it feels to be suddenly dropped by a dom you loved and trusted.

That he freaked out over a background check is... not a good look for him. A rad flag, in my mind, for sure. Honestly, this is the internet era, and I don't think I'd ever be surprised by somebody running a background check on me. That was not an unreasonable thing on your part.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 13, 2020

MsDove​(sub female){NotLooking}
Help please

"We have been building our relationship, unfortunately via distance due to covid, for two months. We have clicked on every level and had scheduled to meet just as lock down occurred."

(Two months of online does not make a relationship. It can feel like one but until you are in the day to day it's all fantasy and filler. What you think you know. What you hope to do. etc.)

"I told him last night that early on I ran a background check on him. Every woman I know says to do what you can to find out if the guy is who he says. It came up with nothing and I relaxed into what has been a delicious experience." (but you know no women in the life. Your vanilla friends weren't wrong but they aren't faced with activities that leave you tied up and helpless. Or the recipient of impact implements. They don't know that you are engaging in activities that can do more harm than a bad date.)

(I would have dumped you too. You didn't have to rush to any of this. More time and discussion and a distance meeting in a public place like a mall would have been good.)

(I run background checks on apartment applicants and it is a huge deal. You cannot do it without their written application including a signature and then the service asks them for permission. I am not sure what type of background check you ran but if you did it in a professional way, you may have broken the law and compromised your job.)

"I knew that this would feel a bit invasive, but I expected him to also be glad I was taking care of my safety. For him, I broke trust with him. IIrreparable. I should have asked him (Hey stranger I met on the internet, are you a serial killer?)."

(I'd suspect it felt like more than a bit invasive. And the reason serial killers are so hard to catch is because they tend to stay within the law publicly and don't have backgrounds to check.)

"I am split open. I am a new submissive. Here's the thing, when you pull the rug out from your submissive, she has nothing. You hold her heart and soul in your hands. This is a free fall. There is nothing to catch me, I gave it all to him. I thought I was safe and protected. I thought there was nothing I needed to hid from him. I took my commitment seriously. And now nothing. No conversation. Nothing. I am more alone than I have ever been."

(You are new. You lack experience. This is why you ran the check. Keeping yourself safe is good but honestly you don't know how to do that yet so of course you overstepped. To navigate the Internet you must have a safety protocol. And you must be strict with it. I have one I've taught many, I will put it at the end, so anyone can ignore it who doesn't wish to read more. The odds of finding the right match ten minutes in is slim. Mainly it's because you don't know enough about yourself or who you speak with. Rushing to this is always a mistake. And many newbies get hurt because they rush to something they don't know how to handle. So they let the other person set parameters. You need your own and then you see if both your sets of parameters match. AND you can discuss that once meeting comes up. And if he walks away you will hurt but differently because you will be confident in yourself and your rules.)

"I don't know what to do. I love this man. The dynamic is so different when you give yourself to someone. I don't know where to find me. My place is with him. The things I need, I associate with him and only him."

(I know you feel this way but the bottom line is you didn't know him. You knew some of him and if you felt that was enough you would not have done the check. Right? Let's pretend you meet him and he smells foul. Or is crude. Or is abusive to everyone at the restaurant. Or is 100 lbs heavier than his photo. Admits he knows nothing about Ds.) (go ahead and ask me how I know these things happen

(Would you love him then? Don't answer me. Think hard on that. I've had probably 100 first dates rushing only to find myself across the table from someone who had zero to do with my mental impression. I don't do that any longer. I trust my instincts, we talk on the phone, I ask the hard questions. I don't do the quasi Ds phone and online cyber game. It gets into your head. It confuses you. What you don't know you fill in the banks for. In your head he is powerful, smart, like john Wayne in all those movies where he spanks the girl. (ok i'm old) He has a deep voice and all the qualities I want. Then I find myself sitting across from Elmer Fudd. That isn't his fault. Its mine for creating attributes in my head that weren't real.)

" I know I'll be ok, but I am in a free fall."

(Free fall is real and painful. You pin so much of yourself on this person that when they step off you literally are lost. Which is why you slow down and use better judgement. Fetlife has sub support discussion groups. I suggest you make a profile and go there to ask other real time submissives for their ideas on this. I don't work for them but they do have some useful resources and many previous discussions you can read through from others who went through it.)

(As far as the rug being pulled out, lets not forget you pulled it out from under him as well. There is no good way to say, "Hey I checked you out without your consent." Wayne Dyer said "There are just as many people trying to get over what you did as you are trying to get over what they did." Boy I hated hearing that one. LOL)

(You have work to do. You have to learn more about this world and yourself. And then if you still wish to check out a potential Dom, tell him in the disclosure part of chat. Such as, "here is how I prepare for meeting someone." I used to tell them I'd need their full name and at least the town they lived in. Yes They all applauded me taking care of myself. And then usually a day or two before meeting when I asked for the info there was a fanciful explanation that would rival Spielberg as to why they couldn't share. So we didn't meet. I was upset by that point, but that is why I don't let them get too much into my head and push all those buttons. You just need to get yours more under control and start making lifestyle friends. This will pass. But it will repeat if you don't work on you.)

I wish you well with it.
H*

SAFETY PROTOCOL

Talk as people. Like you're in line at the deli in the grocery store. You can learn more about a person in vanilla conversation than a pretend Ds chat. After all, the vanilla person is the foundation. A weak foundation makes a weak person.

You are not pet, bunny, good girl, my slut or any other name he starts using before you are mutually agreed that its ok. It's a trick some use to hit buttons in you. Eventually you may want to be called something like that but now is not the time. Keep your head about you.

Filter that talk through your deal breakers. Don't have any? Get some. What can't you live with. Some of mine are smokers/drug users. Men with rage issues. Men who learned nothing from previous failed relationships etc.

Study, read learn. Not websites by others so much as real books, from real authors. Then look at journal entries. Many of us have posts dedicated to helping newbies. Mine are on the other site. Avoid, I repeat avoid the fantasy crap. It is not helping.

You talk on the phone. Again, vanilla. Not yes sir, no sir three bags full. just talk and you listen hard to the answers. Listen to your gut in response to them.

Time to meet? You need a recent photo, a name, a town if not an address. You need some idea of where he works. Some get a copy of a driver's license but I haven't. But no recent photo is a deal breaker.

You need a safe call. This is a person who will check on you. They get all that info you gathered. You choose a location easy for you to navigate. My fav is the mall. I can park anywhere unseen and meet at a restaurant. If its a bust I shop and go home. Do not meet at a hotel.

No drinking. No drugs. Still two equals at dinner or coffee. How does he treat the workers? A girlfriend of mine met a guy who brought his laptop and worked through the whole meal. People have funny ideas about this, so make sure you are clear on yours.

I have my safecall call me. I usually forget to call them in my nervousness. My phone is always fully charged and right next to me, volume on high. She calls me when she wants and as often as she feels she should. Asks how I am. If I am good I say, "good" if it feels bad or I am uneasy I use a code. Mine used to be, "I'm good thanks but I was almost late. There was an accident down the road." That tells her I am uncomfortable.

I was the safe call for a friend who said ask me about my dog- if I ask you to feed him you know it's not going ok. I called and asked "how's your dog?" She forgot and said, "What dog??" I said, "The dog you asked me to ask about." She said, "I don't have a dog."

So it helps if you remember what you planed LOL

Now I am a very good judge of character and would go to the ladies room but stop at the manager station and say, "blind date gone bad please help me."

I've dated many who weren't what they said or what I thought. but never been in danger.

I would call when I got there.
I would call when I leave and I know he is not near to say, "On my way home and all is well."
Then I call when home. "home safe, all is well."

I do that because if I got carjacked and he had nothing to do with it, that helps him. And also places me at where I was to narrow down where I vanished.

If you ask someone to be your safecall person and they think your choices are unsafe they can decline. I had a woman who confided in me that she slept with every guy she ever met. Right off the bat. Although I warned her about what we do she still continued. She called me one night on her way to meet a guy in a hotel. She swore they would not get a room, but admitted she didn't know him at all. I declined to be her safecall.

She never spoke to me again. Which is good. I don't want a front row seat for your catastrophe.

Lastly a safe call is ideally someone near you. If you need help getting away they can come. When I met men in NYC I had friends there. They could get to me faster than I could navigate the streets. that is also why you choose where. You want to know the area.

Some will complain that the man has needs too. Yes, but men are typically stronger than women and if you are the sub, you are at more risk.

This is a lot I know. But I've been in this since 96. You will have to come up with your own rules and protocols.

There is a safecall service on fetlife. I declined my invite to join because they had no safety protocol and I believe that a phone call after you've made all the mistakes is useless.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Dec 13, 2020

'Two months of online does not make a relationship. It can feel like one but until you are in the day to day it's all fantasy and filler.'

For you that may be so, but for many two months online actually translates to more emotional intimacy, deep communication, and connection than many who live together will have in six months, even longer. Just because you don't understand, or it would not work for you does not mean you should use such disrespectful language, and for those of us who are in successful, fulfilling online relationships, what you said was very disrespectful to us and the OP.