Differences between kink and lifestyle

Differences between kink and lifestyle

CSI • Mar 10, 2021

How does one differentiate between kinksters and lifestylers? There are those that just want sex and "surface BDSM" and there are those that want/need/desire the deep, uniting connection that is at the core (that most people say they want). So how do you tell the difference?

nuli​(sub female)​{Unkolared} • Mar 10, 2021

by talking to them and learning what they seek. Ask questions. After a time you will learn how to tell the difference in what one seeks.

K y i v​{Walking} • Mar 10, 2021

This is easy! if the word SEX comes up before you feel it appropriate it's a horndog.

MrFulmen • Mar 10, 2021

There's no quick and foolproof way to determine whether someone is really going to follow through on the things they say they want.

Often people don't really know themselves! They've got big fantasies and they *think* they want to make those fantasies real, but reality isn't really like fantasy. If they haven't done it yet they might find that they don't want it the way they thought they did. And when it comes to kink, more than a few folks are so powerfully attached to their fantasies that even after they have tried it, and it hasn't worked the way they thought it would, they keep convincing themselves that *next time* being kept leashed in the basement all day long will be as hot in reality as it is in their head.

Three things that I find useful (though not perfect) for helping to filter:

1. Ask people about the differences between their fantasies and what they want in reality. If they don't admit that there are any, you can be pretty sure they're in fantasy mode.

2. Ask people what they've already done and how it worked for them. If they have some actual experience that's a great sign.

3. Connect as a person. People looking for fantasy want you to embody their fantasy ideal of a D-type or s-type right away. If you strive to present yourself as an idealized kinky archetype, show yourself always wearing kinky outfits, start using titles quickly--shit like that--you'll attract a lot of fantasists. Portray yourself as a friendly, polite, well-rounded human being in causal clothes, and a lot of the fantasists will pass you by, and you'll be left talking to more folks with a deeper interest.

Zedland​(dom male) • Mar 10, 2021

I suppose the easiest way is to see if they are using you to act out their desires or if they are interested in how your desires intertwine with theirs.

Not that it is a simple thing to tell. Some will view sex as the ultimate merging of your beings, when you literally become one. Others will find delving into your psyche and learning each and everything that makes you tick as nothing more than a pleasing distraction. My only advice? Assume everyone you meet is an asshole until proven otherwise.

House Talion​(dom male) • Mar 10, 2021

It's like asking the difference between a ball player and a major league player. One of them likes it while the other lives it. For one it's part of their life and for the other it is their life.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Mar 10, 2021

Answering under the pretense that the ‘just ask’ option is off the table (sneaky ‘doms’), there is no way to tell right off the bat. There are certainly red flags, but like all things, red flags are suggested considerations as opposed to rules; and as such they become clearer with observation and verification (time). When you engage in a new connection, if you ask (and get an answer) but are still concerned with the intentions of other party, be patient both in what you give and in how you judge. If someone is not in it for the lifestyle, they probably won’t stick around for long and you can smother their pursuit in getting to know one another in the vanilla sense.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 10, 2021

It requires trust and understanding and balancing each others wants/needs effectively. Those that "just play" and seek only fleeting instant gratification yet never having experienced (or only having experiences that didn't pan out) what it can be like with close company don't yet know what it's like. Even if you been with someone in a lifestyle sense, fact is, people do it wrong too. Maybe someone avoided/evaded certain areas and communication was lacking. Or didn't have an open mind. etc.

Having a kinky lifestyle simply means combing it into your life. Doesn't necessarily make it's the sole focus. Kinky people have to do other things after all. Game. Read. Laze by fires.

As for libido itself, this comes with making others happy while making sure it doesn't come at your expense. And resolving the issues in your life that you might prefer not to think about. It's important to counter and prevent depressing events. Has a way of botching up not just the libido but also happiness in general.

After that it's a matter of how a living environment can be relaxing/comfortable. I find it's better to have things "added in" without one or the other "taking over altogether". That said, if exploring on one area or the other (depending on which you're already used too or not) makes people happier, then there's no harm in leaning more towards that area.

That along won't be enough to raise libido though (if it's lacking). What's important are the activities. You quite literary have to do more to enjoy doing more. Sex is no exception. While it may be tempting to try and "warm up" the direct approach tends to work better. But being direct doesn't mean not being playful/affectionate. It's about the attention you're giving each other. It actually has to be about a mix of things. "Plenty of everything". Which might sound a bit overwhelming, but actually makes things easier/more laid back because there's a kind of pattern that shifts between things. Example: Fuck. Game. Lewdly lazing about. Fucking. Cuddling. Gaming. etc, etc.

Altering sex habits is like altering any other habit. Sex talks go a long way, and is NOT something to be avoided due to some silly sense of shame. If you don't do the things that make each other happy, you won't be happy. If you don't TALK about how to do things, you won't have an idea about how to make each other happy. And that goes for ALL topics. Not just sex.

The sticking point is that some people can assume it's JUST about sex. But I could as easily say someone wants JUST plot/story in a roleplay. I want things. You want things. Let's find a way to get what we both want. Talk about it enough and you get there. Could as easily be about anything else. Want me to do X? Ok, I want to do Y. Is it easy at the start when you're not used to it yet? Nope. But does it get easier the more we do things and talk about how to improve on what we're doing with constructive criticism? Yep.

The sticking point with criticism is that some people fear it. Especially concerning if you have history with someone that you have arguments with. In cases like that try to address you're not understood until they want to be understanding I suppose.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Mar 10, 2021

One is role playing like Larping the other lives it, its not a fantasy for them.

Bunnie • Mar 10, 2021

There are a few things that stand out to me. As soon as someone mentions “stepping in and out of”... (insert whatever), that suggests to me that they see it as a role (“playing a role”), rather than an element of who they are.
Some things I seek to understand is how someone responds in life... not how they hope things will be if all of the stars align. I ask what a day with them as my Master would look like. This isn’t just to get a gauge of compatibility, it’s also to understand what they consider important to mention.
People active in their community aren’t necessarily an easy way to identify this distinction, because play parties are centrally focused around kink. That’s why I tend to not focus so much on those aspects anymore. Events can be a bit more “neutral.”

It really depends what you want and how much of a distinction you want. If you’re seeking less kink and more dynamic, there can be other areas to look. Places that focus more on dynamic can be MAsT or Leather Communities or HOH focused communities or even TIH if you’re seeking something a little more mild.

Most of the work in finding what you want, is in first determining what that is. Once you’ve got that, you’ll be surprised at how easily it seems to happen that you can spot people who are aligned with what you value.